2: Open Your Present

He's walking down the hallway, holding hands with Rachel. She's smiling, and leaning against his shoulder.

"Do you think we can ask to do another duet for this week's assignment?" she asks. "Because I know the rest of the group have been complaining, but I really do think we..."

"Well, Schue'll probably do it even if everyone else hates us for it," Finn says. "You know, someone really ought to talk to him about that."

Rachel shrugs it off. This conversation is soon interrupted as two menacing jocks start walking down the hall, side by side. Not again, Finn thinks.

"Finn." Rachel tightens her hand in his as Karofsky and Azimio get close.

"Hey homo," says Karofsky. "What's this? Taking your beard to get a trim?"

Finn groans. "Okay, seriously, what is your problem? Can't you leave me alone?" he asks. "And what does that even mean? I mean, I know what 'the beard' is, but how would you trim..."

"Shut up, Hudson," says Azimio. "Still, it's a pity. She's not bad, for a loser with animal sweaters or whatever. If only she'd shut up for like three seconds. Who knows, think someone could find a better use for that mouth?"

He's just about to step up and go all caveman about her, before Rachel does it herself and slaps Azimio in the face. "Don't you fucking dare," she says (Rachel can swear?). "My boyfriend is ten times the man either of you will ever be – put together. And, to be shallow for a second, he's a lot more attractive as well. Now, back off, and if either of you makes that sort of intrusive comment to me again, I will report you for sexual harassment."

Reasons Rachel Berry is Awesome, No. #2649225, thinks Finn.

Karofsky and Azimio look taken aback as they stare at each other. "Jeez, way to take it personally, Berry," says Azimio. "She is just a crazy bitch, huh Hudson?"

"Leave her alone," says Finn. "You're meant to be constantly being my pain in the ass."

"You wish," says Azimio.

That is not what he meant.

"Eh, who knows," says Karofsky. "Maybe she's just freaking at the idea of some real men getting their hands on her. What's the deal, Rach? You play beard, he does the guy version of it for you? You did always seem to like it too much when Fabray ripped you a new one."

Rachel scowls at them. "Why is it that whenever you dislike anyone, for any reason, your first route of attack is their sexuality? Not only is it offensive, it's really unoriginal. It makes you look like idiots – which you are, but you'd think you'd at least try to pretend you're not."

"Fuck you," says Azimio. "Whatever, this is boring. You can have your dumbass two-person GSA, we're out of here. Don't spread the homo germs or anything."

They laugh and walk off, while Finn sighs. He wraps an arm around Rachel.

"Sorry," he says. "Those guys are assholes."

"I don't see how it's your fault."

He shrugs. "They've kind of been after me for a while. Since the underwear incident, they've been even worse than usual. You just got kind of..."

"...Caught in the crossfire?" she says. "It's okay. That's not your responsibility. Besides, being the daughter of two gay dads, I feel a responsibility to fight any sort of homophobic attack I encounter, so it's probably a good thing if they focus their abuse on me."

"Rach, please don't say that," he says, mock-pouting. "I mean, yeah you can be all civil rights-y. But then they are douches to you, and that makes you sad, and that makes me cry."

She smiles. "I promise to buy you magical tear-stopping things."

"Wait, those exist?"

She frowns. "No; I was making a joke. Or at least, I don't think they exist... wouldn't onion sellers be using them otherwise?"

"Wait, wait," says Finn, walking down the hall again. "No way. I know we made it back onto the team and everything, but I'd really rather not take that risk again. No offense, dude."

"Come on, Finn," says Artie as he wheels by Finn's side. "I know it sounds absurd, but I'm not only doing this for selfish reasons – admittedly, my bravery and slightly compromising position would most likely impress Tina, but I think it would actually help the game, so if you'd just talk to Coach Bieste – the answer is no, dude."

"Come on, Finn." Finn just shakes his head – almost feeling sorry for the guy – and sets to work opening his locker. He quickly forgets about the conversation as he enters his combination, twists the lock, pulls back the door, and what falls out falls out.

Dildos.

Lots of them.

The entire crowd of people in the hallway crack up laughing, but Finn just stares. And, well, blushes. What the fuck? he thinks.

Artie is pretty obviously trying really hard to keep a straight face. He's failing. "So, uh, Finn," he says. "You have anything you need to tell us?"

Finn blushes even deeper. "Fuck you," he says, but despite himself he's fighting a grin too. "Puck? Where are you, you asshole? What are you doing now?"

This is so like him.

Unfortunately, Finn doesn't have the good luck to find out this is just his sort-of best friend doing one of the stupid things Puck does. There is a sudden burst of really evil laughter coming from two people – Karofsky and Azimio step forward, like they're accepting an award or something.

"Sorry Hudson, but your boyfriend's not here right now. Is he the one you're used to having cram this sort of thing in you?" Azimio asks.

"Please. Like there's anyone he's not used to it from," Karofsky scoffs. Finn blushes even deeper.

"Okay, seriously, what is your problem? Why can't you just back off? And how the hell did you get into my locker anyway?" asks Finn, all possibility of taking this with humor gone – this isn't someone he knows, likes and trusts pulling a weird prank on him. This is two guys who have been creeping him out for ages now doing something even more creepy.

However, no-one else seems to have noticed that – they're still laughing at the situation, though if it's a bit awkward. Even Artie seems a bit amused – Dude, some help here? Thinks Finn. Karofsky and Azimio, of course, seem to find the whole thing hilarious.

"Seriously? You think those five-dollar combination locks are secure?" asks Karofsky. "Seriously. I could get one of those with the same amount of money it'd take to get you to blow me."

The crows titters. Which is, y'know, not encouraging.

"And yeah, we get this was kind of douchey," says Azimio. "I mean, we shouldn't tease you when this isn't like a fifth of your personal collection."

It's probably dumb, but Finn steps forward, getting up in their personal space. "Okay, what the hell? You guys have always been assholes, but now you're freaking me out. I don't know if you didn't like me walking naked through the halls, but whatever, it's none of your business, and we're on the freaking football team together – get over it!"

The guys just laugh. "You've really gotta learn how to not protest way too much," says Azimio.

One of the dildos lying on the floor starts rolling, and manages to crash into Karofsky's foot. He smirks down at it, and picks it up. Fuck, thinks Finn.

"Here," says Karofsky, stepping forward and aiming the thing at Finn's mouth like a spear or something. "Open up, baby boy."

He's way too into Finn's personal space now, and Finn smacks his hand away. "Fuck off!" he yells. "This isn't funny."

Karofsky rolls his eyes. "Come on, Hudson. What's the point of being a fag if you're gonna play hard to get?"

He starts aiming the fake-penis for Finn's mouth again, and Finn punches him in the face. Unfortunately, that's the signal for a fight – Azimio gets behind him while Karofsky recovers, and soon Finn has to fight them both off. Yeah, he's tall, but two against one is still fucking unfair. Azimio manages to very solidly slam him into the lockers, and from that point on Finn's definitely on the back foot.

After a bit too long fighting, Artie wheels between Finn and the two. "Okay, stop," he says – he doesn't look like he thinks it's funny anymore.

"Get the fuck out of the way, cripple, you have nothing to do with this," says Azimio. "And my moral code only goes so far."

"Okay, yeah, and if you hit me I will get Rachel to do that legal crap she's always threatening. And if you have to hit Finn, I'm kinda gonna get caught in the crossfire. Back. Off."

Finn breathes a sigh of relief – yeah, he'll probably get mocked for having the guy in a wheelchair stick up for him, but he'll get mocked for having all the... stuff in his locker. At least this way, he'll be mocked and alive.

Karofsky and Azimio share a look, before smirking.

"So, what's in this for you, Wheels?" asks Azimio.

"Yeah. He give you a discount for playing knight in shining armor or something?"

"Or maybe you just want his ass unbruised or whatever, I don't know."

Artie just rolls his eyes at their accusations. "And again, your first reaction to anyone picking Finn Hudson's side over yours is that there must be some kind of dirty homoerotic desire involved. Really, I'm starting to wonder – what sort of repressed lust is telling you it's completely impossible for a guy not to want him?"

Finn only really understood half of what Artie just said, but whatever it is, it seems to get under Karofsky and Azimio's skin. That's a good sign. There's a long, awkward moment where everyone just stares at each other.

"Fucking hell," mutters Karofsky.

"Fuck you, cripple," says Azimio. "Think we don't see right through you? You're the exact kind of fag-lover who gets–"

"FOOTBALL PLAYERS!" A voice belows from down the hall, and all turn to see Sue Sylvester standing. They quiver in fear. "No, not you Wheels. You don't count. Boys – I heard your fight. I wouldn't care, but my girls were trying to figure out how to best psychically sabotage Gregith High School's cheerleading squad's vocals division – you interrupted. ALL THREE OF YOU, FIGGINS' OFFICE, NOW."

Karofsky, Finn and Azimio all share looks, before reluctantly starting to walk off – Finn tries his best to keep far behind them. Artie catches him by the wrist, and holds him back.

"Sorry," he says. "I should have stepped in sooner. I mean, I admit I found it a little funny to start – a straight guy getting ambushed with plastic penises pretty much always is, on some level, just for the sheer awkward – but you were clearly freaking out and I shouldn't have let it go on like that."

"HUDSON!"

Finn jumps at Sylvester's voice. He shrugs at Artie. "It's cool," he says. "I gotta go. What's the worst that could happen?"

"You're suspending me?"

Principal Figgins just blinks, and Finn wildly flails around.

"But... what, why? It wasn't even a big fight! I just–"

"Mr. Hudson, you were already on probation from your inappropriate incident due to that musical," says Figgins. "You knew doing another thing like this would earn a suspension."

"Please, Principal Figgins," Finn pleads, "I mean, they filled my locker full of sex toys. Who does that? How is that okay?"

Figgins visibly represses the urge to roll his eyes – again, not encouraging. "Mr. Hudson, from what I've heard of the situation, it was a juvenile and crude prank. You're on sports teams together! Surely this sort of thing must have happened. Mr. Karofsky and Mr. Azimio have been given detention, but you overreacted! That is not their problem."

Finn leans back and pouts. "This isn't fair," he says.

"It's perfectly fair, you just refuse to acknowledge it," says Figgins. "Now, your mother will be arriving to pick you up in about ten minutes. I'll be watching you."