I have no idea where this is going...
Chapter 2
( the president's office. Moebius has his feet up on the desk, watching TV.)
Moebius: I love this job. Every day they're on strike is a day not spent trying to kill me.
Secretary(over intercom): Sir, Lara Croft is here to see you.
Moebius: That's odd. I don't have a secretary-or an intercom. Oh, what the hell, send her in.
Lara: Prepare to die.
Moebius: How?
Lara: What?
Moebius: How am I supposed to prepare to die? If you gave me a few days, I could go borrow money from all my friends, take out a massive life insurance policy, walk up to Kain and punch him in the face, the works. But you intend to kill me right now, so how do I prepare to die?
Lara: Hmmm...Interesting point.
Moebius: In the meantime, fight demons from your past...
(he waves a hand, Lara's butler appears and tries to brain her with a tea tray She shoots him.)
Moebius: Your present...
(Another Lara Croft appears, draws her guns, and opens fire-on Moebius. He ducks behind his desk)
Moebius: Agh! And ages yet to come!
(Kain appears, glances at Moebius and draws his sword, grinning)
Moebius: Oh...
(A dumahim vampire, the only surviving member of Kain's sandwich crew, crashes through the window. He lands on top of one of the Laras and drains her dry before the other Lara riddles him with bullets. By this time Moebius has fled the room. Kain pursues. Lara sits down in the President's chair and puts her feet up)
Lara: Hmmm...Now, how to get them back to work...Better call in some associates...
Meanwhile, in front of Eidos HQ...
(Kain and Raziel are still fighting. Kain finally gets a grip on his son and throws him through the Ward Gate. Security guards scatter, except for one, who picks up Lara's discarded rocket launcher and fires. Raziel explodes.)
Kain: Hey! Nobody kills my sons but me! (pauses) And possibly each other! (telekinetically snaps guard's neck. Raziel possesses corpse and re appears. The Kain that Moebius created runs out from behind him)
Clone Kain: Where did he go?
(Raziel attacks Clone Kain. They fight. Real Kain looks up, sees Moebius watching and fires a telekinetic projectile. Moebius dodges. Akuji the Heartless appears, attacks Kain from behind and manages to pin him to the wall.)
Kain: Why...are you doing this?
Akuji: Lara said if I kill you she'll make another Akuji game. I've been out of work since I escaped Hades.
Kain: But...We've so much in common!
Akuji: Yeah? Like what?
Kain: Um...we both had our hearts ripped out by a jealous family member
Akuji: And?
Kain: Uhh...We've both been on suicidal vengeance quests?
Akuji: ...Yeah...you're right...You're right!(he releases Kain) From now on, you will always be my kindred spi-(he looks down. The Soul Reaver is nailing him to the wall. He dies and his soul is devoured.)
Kain: Now, where was I?
Moebius(from behind him):About to kill me again.
Kain: Ah.(Swings sword. Moebius teleports away)
Moebius: Missed me. (Kain swings again. Moebius teleports again) Oooh, so close.(bullet sparks off ground next to Moe's foot. He teleports and this time does not reappear.)
Balcony, Eidos Building
Lara: Missed. How're we doing with contacting allies?
Exec: Well, apart from the late Akuji, nobody is stupid enough to come.
Lara: Hmph. What's Kain doing now that Moebius is gone?
Exec: Umm...looking at this balcony. He is not happy you scared away Moebi-look out!(they both get back inside the building just as Kain Jumps onto the balcony. The Exec activates the ward Gate between the balcony and the inside and they run further inside.
Kain: Hahaha...you think that toy can stop me getting anywhere I want to go?
Lobby, Eidos Building
(Raziel and Clone Kain are still beating each other to bloody pulps, using all the flaming torches, steam jets, meat grinders, and all the other stuff that inexplicably seems to appear whenever Raziel needs to kill a powerful enemy. Raziel gets a grip on Kain and holds him up to the Ward Gate, which burns him)
Clone Kain: You almost had me, Raziel. (Raziel gets telekinetically thrown across the ruined lobby. He hits and smashes the glyph battery sealing off the lobby from the protesters outside. They stampede in) But this is not where, or how, it ends-
(Raziel casts the Fire Glyph. Clone Kain gets burned to ash.)
Raziel(satisfied): Yes it is.
Roof, Eidos Building
Moebius: Hahaha...with the chaos resulting from the strike, Eidos will need to double my master's wages so he will re-establish the Wheel of Fate and force the cast back to work. And according to our contract, I get 20 percent!
Elder God: Assuming you still live. You are no longer required, my loyal servant, and your existence costs me money. Eidos no longer need you, so now you can be safely exterminated.
(About twenty tentacles appear. Moebius is unfazed)
Moebius: Well, if I were you, I'd be more worried about what's happening downstairs. If Lara kills Kain, then there is no legacy of Kain, and Eidos will no longer need YOU! I can fall back on foreseeing the future for the inhabitants of Nosgoth, which gets a decent wage anyway. But you need Eidos to settle your gambling debts with Baron Samedi.
Elder god: Oh –bleep!-
(tentacles vanish. Moebius climbs into helicopter and flies away)
Moebius: Usurp me, will you? So long, Lara. Mwahahaha!
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