A/N: I really should be working, instead of writing this...

What the Hell

Chapter 2 - Dibs

When he heard Rachel's voice through the intercom, Puck wasn't really sure what to expect of the visit from his old glee buddies. He was curious how it happened that he'd been in LA almost as long as they had and they'd never come looking for him before. Not that he published his address or anything, since he had some really psycho fans, but he sort of expected them to hear he was in town somehow.

And now they had.

Rachel had been her normal, obnoxious self and Kurt had been... Well, he'd been Kurt, but he actually looked more grown up. More like a man and less like an eleven year old milk maid. Puck definitely approved.

After Kurt and Rachel left, Puck finished off his beer, brushed his teeth, and went to go see if Ben was still awake. They had their own rooms of course, because Ben really was just a friend, with benefits, and they had both dated a bunch of other people since moving in together last year. Though his boss, Didi, told Puck he should be seen out publicly with Ben more often than not if he could help it, there was no way Puck was giving up chicks entirely. Even if he had realized that being with dudes was pretty awesome, too.

Just last week, Ben had gotten him into a club with a really awesome fake ID and a bouncer who had seen one of his films and was too much of a fan to look at it very closely. Sweet! It was a gay club, because Ben was pretty dude-friendly (or entirely dude friendly, depending on the day), which also meant that there were a few groups of single straight girls around. Drunk straight girls without their defenses up. Hell yeah!

He managed to talk this girl named Tammy into coming home with him, and she was a really good time, all soft curves and lickable tits and a heart-stoppingly pretty smile. But after she fell asleep, Ben came in, whispering in his ear, and before half an hour had passed, they were both banging this little Latin dude, Carlos, who reminded Puck a lot of Santana with a dick and an anti-boob job.

What could he say? When Ben got involved, Puck had a difficult time leaving his work at the studio and saying no. Since getting his job as an assistant to some big-shot corporate executive five months ago, Ben had retired from making films, but that didn't mean he'd forgotten everything he'd known as soon as his contract was up. He was an extremely good lay and a pretty good friend and damn, he could cook. And, he didn't mind Puck seeing girls. In fact, for Puck's birthday last year, Ben had convinced one of his lady porn star friends to come by and show Puck a good time. And what a good time it had been! Most porn chicks he'd met made it look good and that was about it, but Sunny? Damn fine woman.

So Ben was awesome, as long as Puck didn't think about it too hard.

Ben was still awake when Puck crawled into bed with him, saying, "Hey, babe."

"Did you have a good time with your friends, Noah?" he asked, turning over to face Puck and snuggling against him. Hey, snuggling was a benefit, too.

He had to think about his answer for a minute, but finally Puck said, "Yeah. I did. Never thought I'd miss those losers..."

Kissing Puck's neck, Ben made a little noise of acknowledgement before pulling back and asking, "What was with that Kurt guy? He's pretty cute."

"Nuh-uh, Ben," Puck growled, grabbing the guy and pinning him to the bed playfully. "I call dibs."

"What?" his friend complained with a hint of a smile in the dim light. "You can't call dibs on every cute guy we see. It's not fair."

"Dude," Puck insisted with a kiss. "I knew Kurt first, so I get dibs. At least until I figure him out."

Ben snorted in amusement. "You mean sleep with him, babe."

"That too," Puck nodded, adding a few more kisses to the guy's neck. "You can have dibs on Rachel if you want."

"Oh, no," he laughed, squirming under Puck. "That chick had too much boob and crazy eyes. I'm not going there. Even if the girl can sing."

"You think any boob is too much," Puck pointed out, going in for a breath-taking kiss and smiling when he saw that it had worked. "I invited them over for Saturday, if that's cool."

"So you can use my cooking talent to get into Kurt's pants? That's low, Noah," Ben insisted.

"After all this time, you really expect any more from me? Dude, I thought you were my best bud! If you haven't accepted who the Puckster is by now," he grinned, slipping away and getting up off the bed, "I don't think I can sleep with you."

"Ah, ha!" Ben cried, scrambling out of the bed to grab Puck and swing him back. "But I know you well enough to see that you're playing me right now. Fine. I'll cook for your friends." He kissed Puck full on the mouth, which was always one of Puck's favorite things ever, and pushed him back onto the mattress. "But no calling dibs. We do this fair and square."

"Whatever, dude," Puck agreed. "You know I'll win. Remember that one dude? Silas?"

"Don't remind me," Ben groaned, letting Puck flip them over.

"I won't, babe," he insisted with a laugh. "I won't."

By the time he woke up in the morning, Ben was gone and Puck had to take a moment to figure out where he was and what that ringing noise could be. He stumbled around a little before finding his phone in his pants on the floor and answering it, "What?"

"Noah, is that any way to greet your mother?" the woman's voice teased. Of course, Puck knew behind the teasing was a very real criticism. That's just how Ruth Puckerman worked.

"Hey, Ma," he said after clearing his throat, lumbering into Ben's bathroom for a drink of water. "What's up?"

"I got a call from Rachel Berry last night," she told him and suddenly Puck understood how Rachel and Kurt had found him. "She's arranging a glee club reunion after her semester ends and she needed your address. I hope it's okay that I gave it to her."

"Yeah, thanks, mom," Puck replied, remembering he was naked and he didn't really want to talk to his mom while naked. He did have some limits. So, he went and pulled on his pants before telling her, "I actually saw her last night. She and Finn's brother are going to school out here in LA. They came by for a few minutes."

Puck knew he'd made a mistake as soon as his mother squealed. "Oh, how is she? As pretty as ever? You know, you haven't dated anyone seriously since you broke up with Penny to move out there. I've heard from Carole Hudson that she's single…"

"Ma!" Puck complained with a sigh. "I don't want to date anyone seriously right now. And Rachel and I would never work out!"

"But she's Jewish!"

"And she's crazy," Puck insisted. "Look, I've got to get to work soon. Can I talk to you later?"

"Are they working you too hard at that gym, sweetie? I know you like it, and it helps you afford living in that awful city, but if you moved back here you'd have more time for your music."

Sighing at the lie she parroted back to him (because what self-respecting porn star told his mother what he really did?) and her not-so-subtle request for him to move back to Lima, Puck insisted, "Goodbye, Ma."

"Bye, Noah. I love you."

"Love you, too," Puck replied, hanging up so he couldn't get guilted into talking to her for any longer. He really did need to get to the gym. They weren't expecting him at the studio until tomorrow, and he hit the gym every day he had off, mostly because he needed to be buff and hot to keep his job, but also because there was this chick trainer, Samantha, he was totally after lately. If he could ever convince her he wasn't gay.

After getting caught with a dude in the shower room and having his membership suspended for two weeks that one time, it wasn't going to be easy.

Puck was just getting into a set of bench presses when a familiar face hopped into view and he almost dropped two hundred and eighty pounds on his chest. After his spotter helped him get the bar back onto the rack, Puck sat up and snarled, "What the hell, Hudson? What are you doing here?"

"This is where you said you worked," Finn replied, like it made any sort of sense. His spotter, Justin, who actually did work there gave Puck a look, which he returned with a shake of his head before waving the guy away. "And I need your help!"

"Aren't you supposed to be in Texas?"

"I took the first flight this morning. Look, can I talk to you? Can you take a break or lunch or something?"

Puck sighed, looking around and deciding he could be done for the day if he needed to. Finn was his friend again and there had to be something seriously wrong for him to fly out all of a sudden. "I'm done. I'll get my stuff and we can go to my place." His apartment might take a little explaining, but fuck, he was sick of lying to Hudson. And now that Kurt knew what he really did for a living, how much longer before Finn knew anyway? Last Finn had said, he and Kurt talked pretty often by text or email, and very rarely, by phone.

As he led Finn back toward the locker room, Puck saw the manager, Donnie, give him a wry look that said he'd better not be up to something. And that got him thinking all sorts of unwelcome thoughts about his friend, who was not a benefits sort of friend, but more like a brother, damn it.

Back at his place, Puck led the way into his apartment, stopping in the living room and asking, "Is this life and death, or can I take a quick shower?"

"Yeah, dude. Take a shower."

"Cool. Make yourself at home or whatever."

What could Finn possibly need from him? Money? An alibi? Someone to kick ass and take names with him back in Texas?

Puck couldn't leave town right now. He had set filming dates over the next three weeks that he couldn't miss barring actual doctor-approved illness without getting canned. Getting a shoot rescheduled was like rescheduling the Super Bowl or something. It just didn't happen unless somebody died. And there were dudes ready and willing to take Puck's place in the company without a second's hesitation. Sure, Puck got paid pretty well, but it was because he was reliable, and really fucking hot. If the reliable part went out the window because of Finn freaking Hudson, he might end up having to move back to Lima anyways. And who ever heard of a rock star starting out in Lima, Ohio? Hell, no. It just didn't happen.

Rinsed off and dressed in his straightest dude-clothes, Puck went back out to look for Finn. He found the guy on the couch, playing Xbox. "You'd better not be signed in as me, bro," he said as he sat down beside Hudson. "You'll bring down my stats."

Finn paused the game, which meant this had to be even more serious than an impromptu cross-country flight suggested, and turned to Puck. "Dude, you have to help me get Rachel back!"

"That's what this is about?" Puck cried. "That's your big emergency? You want Rachel Berry back, and that couldn't wait for us to, I don't know, actually plan your trip out here?"

"I know!" Finn replied, throwing his hands into the air and almost dropping the controller in his hand. "I know, dude, and I'm sorry. I just… After talking to you last night and knowing she was here, I realized I really miss her and I need her back. I don't care anymore that long distance is really difficult, because no one else is her!"

Sighing, Puck muttered, "You really do belong in one of those chick-flicks, don't you, Hudson?"

"What?" he asked, all confused. Then, he started looking around and said, "What's with your place, dude? Have you got a girlfriend or something?"

"Or something," Puck replied, wanting to steer the conversation away from his love life, because that was a bomb Finn was not ready to handle at the moment. "Look. I don't know what to do about getting you back with Rachel. I mean, she seemed pretty desperate last night but-"

"Oh god!" Finn cried. "You didn't, did you?"

"Didn't what?"

"Sleep with Rachel?" he demanded, this dark look of rage mixed with puppy-dog love flashing over his face.

Shaking his head and holding up his hands so Finn wouldn't think of him as a threat, Puck insisted, "No! I didn't sleep with Rachel! What is wrong with you?"

"Oh, right," Finn nodded, taking a deep breath as he looked around, "the girlfriend."

Looking at his watch and realizing that Ben (who was definitely not his girlfriend) was going to be home in about two hours, Puck said, "Listen, bro. I'm going to call in reinforcements and then I've got to tell you some stuff. Okay?"

"Oh, okay?" Finn agreed warily, settling back on the couch again. "Who are you gonna call?"

"The ghostbusters," Puck deadpanned. "Who do you think?" Then, he retreated into the kitchen for a drink, because God knew he needed one, and found Kurt's number in his phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's Puck. Is Rachel with you?"

There was a long pause before Kurt replied, "No. No, I'm just walking to my car after class. Do you want her number or something?"

"No, dude," Puck insisted, wondering how to phrase this. "Look, are you busy right now?"

Another, shorter pause later, Kurt asked, "Is this a booty call?"

The question was so unexpected and straightforward that Puck couldn't help but laugh. "No, man." Of course he also couldn't help but add a quiet, "Not yet," that he wasn't sure Kurt even heard. Yeah, that was probably better if he didn't.

"So, what then?"

"Hummel, your brother is at my house. Like, he got on a plane this morning and now he's here saying I have to help him get Rachel back. I need your help, Kurt. You're her roommate and his brother. Come talk to him."

"God, not again," Kurt complained with a sigh. "Fine. I'll be there in a bit. Remind me of your address again? Rachel drove last night."

Puck did, saying, "Thanks, Kurt. I owe you one."

"You certainly do," he agreed. "But don't worry, Finn owes me about a thousand. See you soon."

"Yeah," Puck agreed, hanging up. That was pretty cool of Kurt, coming over right away. Puck wondered if the guy was still madly in love with Finn or something. He hadn't seemed to be after sophomore year, but then again, Puck hadn't really been paying attention to anyone but Quinn at that point. It felt like such a long time ago.

Well, it was time to go face the music with Finn. Again.

Puck grabbed two beers from the fridge, popped them open, and brought them into the living room. He gave one to Finn and kept the other, taking a few sips before setting it down and turning to face his friend. "Look, dude. There's some things I've got to tell you."

"Are you dying?" Finn asked, his eyes all wide with concern and fear.

"What?" Puck asked. "No, dude. I'm not dying. I," he sighed, "I don't work at the gym. That's just what I tell people."

Finn got suspicious then, doing that tilting thing with his eyebrows and frowning. "Where do you work?"

"I'm sort of a porn star," Puck said, with a little bit of a grin, because hey, it was a dream come true, almost. "But you can't tell my mom."

"Really?" Finn asked. "Naw, you're messing with me, dude. C'mon. I haven't slept more than a few hours and I can't really tell whether or not you're joking."

"I'm not," Puck insisted. "I'd show you the proof, but for one, I don't think you'd want to see my junk, and two, I don't think you'd like to see the people I'm with in them."

"Why?" Finn asked. "Are they fat chicks or something? That's really weird, dude."

Puck wanted to just let it be, but Finn could never really figure things out on his own and he'd get all freaked out if something was just sprung on him. So, he said, "No, they're all guys. I make gay porn for a living. But it pays well. See?" he said, motioning around the room. "I can live here, I can work on my music, and I get paid to do what I do best. It works. Just don't tell my mom."

Finn gaped for about a minute, his mouth opening and closing like a fish. Then, he took a few swallows of his beer and set it down, asking, "So, is this something you just do for the money. Or do you … like it?"

"Both," Puck answered truthfully. "And you know Ben?"

"Your roommate?" Finn guessed. "The guy who plays games with us sometimes?"

"Yeah. He's sorta… Look, he's not my boyfriend or anything. I still date girls, like, all the time. But we … sleep together sometimes. Just so you know." Puck felt like all those words came out at once, but it was difficult telling this guy, the guy he'd known almost his whole life, how much he'd changed since high school. It was easy telling new people. Hell, it was easy telling Kurt and Rachel. But Finn? Puck knew the guy didn't mind that Kurt was gay, so he shouldn't have a problem with Puck's … situation. But shouldn't and didn't were more often than not two different things in Puck's experience. "Just don't-"

"Tell your mom," Finn nodded. "Yeah, I got it." He took another drink and another big breath before saying, "Wow. Okay. Um...thanks for telling me?"

"Whatever," Puck sighed. "How's Texas?"

"Well," Finn shrugged, looking around the room again. "Football season is over, so that's good. We did okay this year."

"Yeah, I saw," Puck smiled. "We get, like, all the sports channels on demand, so Ben and I watched all your games. I think he's got a little man-crush on you, dude. So, watch your ass. But in that one game..." Puck went on, falling into the familiar pattern of talking sports with his best friend. It was nice and it killed the time until Hummel got there to talk some sense into Finn.

"So when are you gonna graduate and come out here to be my drummer?" Puck asked as the conversation wound down.

Finn shrugged. "I sorta wish I had been drafted out here, you know? All my best people are here and being all alone in Austin sucks ass. If I'd been out here this whole time, Rachel and I probably wouldn't have broken up."

"If only..." Puck agreed. When the hell would Kurt get here?

Finally the buzzer rang and Puck answered it, Kurt replying with a tense, "Sorry. Traffic blows."

Puck buzzed the guy in and opened the door a crack before heading back to Finn. "Your brother will know what to do, man. I'm sure of it."

Finn nodded before asking one more time, "Gay porn? Does Kurt know?"

"Yeah," Puck grinned. "He came across one of my films yesterday. That's why he and Rachel came over. They were convinced I only did it because I was a 'meth whore' or some shit."

"I'm reasonably certain," Kurt broke in to the conversation from the hallway, closing the door with a thud, "meth isn't involved." He came into view with that superior smirk on his lips and continued, "But I'm not so sure about the whore part of the theory just yet."

Puck smiled, but he still snarled, "Watch your mouth, Hummel. You're in this whore's house at the moment." Something flicked across Kurt's face that Puck found intriguing. Hope? Desire? Fear? Disgust?

"Pardon my manners," Kurt apologized, turning his attention to his brother and crying out, "It's so good to see you, Finn!" The two of them hugged briefly, Frankenteen still way taller, though Kurt had caught up by an inch or three since they all started in glee club. "I thought we said adieu until spring break."

"Yeah, I'm kind of doing something stupid here," Finn acknowledged. "I'm trying to get Rachel back. Oh, god. She isn't seeing anyone, is she?"

Kurt rolled his eyes and said, "Settle down, Cowboy. She's single. But I don't know if she would take you back. There was a lot of Finn cursing in our place that month."

"I am so screwed. I promised I would never break up with her and then I did and I feel so bad about it!" Finn collapsed back onto the couch, resting his head in his hands.

Puck rolled his eyes and swt in the easy chair while Kurt sat beside Finn, patting his back lightly and asking, "What happened? You broke up with Rachel a year ago, Finn. What changed and made you want her again?"

"We were just so ... far apart!" Finn insisted. "And I got anxious that she might be cheating on me and there was this girl and ..."

"Did the mystery girl dump you?" Kurt asked, his voice all harsh and no-nonsense. Puck decided he liked it that way. "Is that what brought this on?"

"No!" Finn insisted, but there was a guilty inflection in his wail.

"Seriously, dude," Puck spoke up. "What happened?"

"I found out she was just being nice to me because she thought I could introduce her to this one other football player. But that was six months ago and I know I don't deserve Rachel, but I still love her and she wouldn't do something like that to me and I really, really need to get laid."

"Dude, are you crying?"

"I'm so tired!"

Kurt looked up at Puck with a concerned expression and a sigh. "Can he take a nap in your room? He's too out of it to plan any sort of grand gesture at the moment."

"Sure," Puck agreed, getting Finn up on his feet and steering him into Puck's bedroom. Kurt didn't follow them, which surprised Puck, but maybe the guy was afraid to see this "whore's" private space. His what-you-call-it. Bouduoir.

Puck snorted to himself when he thought of that word because he'd only learned it the week before from the script of a film. It was probably one of those French words that Puck remembered Kurt was fond of. "Okay, here we go, big guy," Puck said, leaving Finn standing in the center of the room. "Bathroom, bed, TV," he pointed to all three in succession and then left, thinking if Hudson couldn't figure it out from there, he was too mentally defective to even think of getting a girl like Rachel back, even if she had major self-esteem issues.

"This is not how I had my day planned out," Kurt complained when Puck came back into the living room. "Stupid...Finn."

"Chill," Puck insisted, sitting down and watching Kurt pace back and forth. "You're making me dizzy, dude. Sit."

"Can I..." Kurt started, before looking up, shaking his head, and going back to pacing.

"Can you what?"

"Just..." Kurt sighed again, but he actually looked at Puck this time. "I'm gonna grab my books from my car, because I have this huge paper to write for Friday and as soon as Rip Van Winkle comes to, it's going to be non-stop drama. Would you buzz me back in?"

Puck felt his brow crunch up in confusion. Why would Kurt even ask him? Wouldn't he just demand to be let back in? Then, Puck's stomach rumbled and he said, "I have a better idea," and grabbed his keys.

Waiting for their take out to be ready, Puck and Kurt sat across the table from one another at the Japanese restaurant down the block from Puck's apartment building. Deciding he needed to talk to Kurt about something besides the jolly pale giant currently sleeping in his bed, Puck asked, "What classes did you have today?"

Kurt sighed and his head fell down, his hands between his forehead and the table. "Uggh!"

"That bad?" Puck asked with a smile, tilting his head to try to catch a tiny glimpse of what might be written on the other guy's face.

Head still down on the table and voice muffled, Kurt asked, "What do you care, Puckerman?"

"Dunno," Puck shrugged, looking around the restaurant at all the people. Some of them looked happy, others indifferent. But Kurt just looked, defeated, somehow.

Finally the guy pulled his head up, face flushed a little red among the freckles and eyes blazing blue as he asked, "Have you ever heard of the phrase big fish in a little pond?"

"Feeling small today, Kurt?" Puck laughed, but caught the dude's eyes to make sure he knew Puck was kidding.

"At least I don't feel so short out here," he sneered, looking around the room. "Compared to Lima, land of the giants. But I just ... haven't made as many friends as I thought I would and Nick took all the ones I did have when we broke up and everyone expects so much of me and Rachel is batshit crazy most of the time and now Finn and... I'm totally dumping all over you aren't I?" Kurt smiled and apologized, "Sorry, Puck."

"It's cool," he replied with an amused smile. "It's funny watching you come apart."

Kurt stared at him for just a moment before snapping coldly, "Why, thank you. I'm glad one of us is happy!"

"Don't be a bitch, dude," Puck shot back, catching Kurt's eyes again. "Look, I've only made one real friend since I moved here and sometimes I think the only reason he likes me is because I'm sleeping with him."

"Oh," Kurt replied.

"Yeah," Puck nodded. "Oh."

"Is that why you and Finn play online all the time?" Kurt asked, suddenly all insightful and shit.

"Yeah," Puck nodded. "Is that why you live with Rachel?"

"Yeah."

There was a long pause in which Puck contemplated what a loser he really was, and then he decided he was Noah Puckerman, sex god. He could do anything. So, he stuck out his hand at Kurt and asked, "Friends?"

Kurt contemplated the gesture for way too long, his lips pressed together in a tight line and his eyes fixed on Puck's outstretched hand, brows furrowed. Finally he nodded and slipped his hand into Puck's, shaking it twice before letting go.

Then the food was ready and they split the bill, each carrying one of the plastic bags loaded with good things to eat. "Oh," Puck remembered as they stopped by Kurt's car to get his school things, "Ben's getting home soon and you should know he totally wants to nail you."

"He does?" Kurt asked, completely nonchalant. "Interesting."

"Yeah, but I don't think you should do it."

"Why not?" Kurt asked, getting his school bag onto his shoulder and locking his car again.

"Because when he dumps you, he gets me in the break up," Puck pointed out. "And neither of us can afford to lose another friend, can we, dude?"

"How do you know he'd dump me?"

"That's his M.O.," Puck insisted. "Not that I'm any different, really. See someone a few times and then move on. You're not like that."

"How do you know what I'm like?" Kurt asked as Puck unlocked the front door to the building.

"Dude, I saw you pining over Finn for, like, a year and a half. I gave him shit about it all the time."

"I was sixteen," Kurt dismissed as they waited for the elevators. "I can do casual."

"Rachel said you were with your last boyfriend for a year," Puck pointed out. "And you had that one boyfriend all of Senior year. You're one of those dudes."

"What dudes?"

Puck sighed as they got on the elevator and he pressed the button to go up. "Dudes like Finn. Romantic dudes. Trust me, Ben is an awesome guy, but he's not for you."

"But he's so pretty," Kurt pouted and Puck was caught off guard completely, a surprised laugh escaping his lips as he led the way back to his apartment. He'd forgotten how much he liked the guy's sense of humor and had hidden it during high school because it wasn't cool to do anything but bully or ignore the weird, singing fag.

As soon as Puck opened the door and stepped inside, he heard Ben call from the back hallway, "Noah? Did you know there's a strange boy in your bed? Shouldn't he be naked?"

"Fuck you," Puck called back teasingly. "I brought food."

"Than I shall worship you as-" Ben stopped short when he saw Kurt helping Puck carry the food to the kitchen. "A god. Hey, Kurt."

"Ben," Puck's friend replied politely with a nod. "Sorry about the boy. He's mine."

Puck laughed again, but he didn't contradict Kurt.

"I met him after Rachel and I left last night and totally fucked his brains out all night and most of today. He came with for dinner, but I'm afraid we lost him. Tragic, really."

"You sexed him to death!" Puck crowed, joining in when Kurt started giggling uncontrollably.

"What's so funny?" Ben asked, an indulgent smile on his face.

Kurt finally fessed up after taking a bite of his salad. "That's my step-brother, Finn. He's ... going a little crazy at the moment."

"The Finn Hudson?" Ben asked Puck, like he was asking about Justin Timberlake or something. "Can I...?"

"Don't even think about it, babe. He needs friends right now," Puck insisted. "Not douchebags like you fawning over him."

"Fine," Ben pouted, grabbing a carton of food and a pair of chopsticks and sitting down at the table with them. Puck didn't miss the flash of a look that Kurt and Ben shared and he really wished his claim of dibs would have worked.

I need reviews! Also, if you would be kind enough to leave a review for my older puckurt, "Texts and Insanity", I only need one more to reach 300, which would be a personal best. Thanks!