A/n: Since it's been so long I feel I should start by apologizing, but what the hell. I made no promises. And the long wait just means you get everything at once. This one is longer but unfinished for now. Disclaimer in the first chapter. Thanks to everyone who favourited or even just took the time to read, I love you all equally. Don't think too hard about that.
Omake: Harry and Luna's Big Summer Adventure
Let it be known that Harry was British. And he would take driving winds and heavy rains over this sunshine crap any day. The weather stations claimed this had been the hottest summer in Ohio for nearly twenty years: just day after day of baking heat.
The sun really seemed to be mocking him as he stood on the sweltering pavement waiting for Luna. He gazed fixedly at their bicycles, completely unable to move his eyeballs. Probably because they had melted into wax by now.
Some day, someone was going to find his skull, stick wicks in the gaping eye sockets, and use it as a cheerful holiday ornament.
At least then he wouldn't be forced to endure this utter boredom. Their bicycles – his very stylish and economical, hers a larger version of a little girl's, complete with sparkles and coloured streamers on the handlebars – were leaning low against someone's whitewashed fence. If he didn't know better he would say they were drooping in this bloody heat.
With monumental effort, he finally managed to turn his head to the right – and yup, Luna was still bent double, dithering around in the grass.
"Haven't you got what you're looking for yet?" he griped, blinking sweat out of his eyes.
"No, not yet," she said serenely, glancing up with a smile. Her hair fell around her face in curly waves that almost touched the ground. "Just a little longer."
"Oh go on, take your time," Harry said. "No hass. I'll just be over here, sinking into a bored stupor."
Luna giggled, turning back to rummaging in the stark brown grass. Harry sighed, and leaned against the fence with arms crossed.
Just then a little girl on roller skates passed by, eyeing them (i.e., eyeing Harry, and then Luna's bum waving in the air) curiously. She was probably on her way to a cool, shady park, or maybe an inflatable pool somewhere. And here he was, forced to stand in the sun and burn.
She caught him staring longingly at her ice lolly and, with childish smugness, smirked at him and began slobbering all over it.
Harry glared resentfully. How dare she mock him with her heavenly-looking treat?
The little brat scowled right back, sticking her tongue out as she glided away.
"Insolent little monster," he muttered. "I hope your tongue falls out next time you use it. I hope someone pokes a hole in your pool. I hope…"
Oh, bah. It was way too hot to bother. What had he been thinking of, coming out here today?
Ah, right. Luna ran out of ice-cream.
It was a little known fact that Luna Lovegood loved to eat good. Worse – at least in Hermione's mind – even though her weekly food intake could feed a small third-world country for a month, she never seemed to gain any weight. Some might even say that her stomach was a black hole to rival Ron Weasley's.
Simply put, you do not take Luna Lovegood out to eat if your pockets are shallow, and you sure as hell never touch her Ben & Jerry's.
Of course, there were the dark days. Those horror-filled days when Luna ran out of ice-cream spelled doom and disaster for any living thing in a five mile radius. On those days, there was nothing in the world that would stand in her way of getting more ice-cream.
Not rabid dogs or burglar alarms. Not 'We're Closed' signs on bulletproof glass. Not even locked doors, ice-cold water and a human barricade (months later, that was still a painful memory).
So to her, blistering, record-breaking heat was inconsequential. And since they'd all banned her from wandering off by herself after the incident with the petting zoo, she'd 'insisted' that he come along with her this time. His opinion in the matter meant less than the sum total of negative zero.
"Pleaaaaaseeeeee?"
"No…"
Luna's eyes got bigger and sadder and began swimming with tears. Harry looked on in horrified awe.
"P-pretty p-p-please?" She whimpered.
"But I don't want to do anything!" he broke down, whining. "I just want to sit here and melt into a pool of misery!"
She sniffled. "Contradiction. Melting is a verb so you'll still be doing something…something very boring."
"Exactly! I'd rather be wrong and boring than move from this very spot," he said, glaring defiantly at her.
Considering that he was lying crumpled up on the floor – in the exact position he'd landed when she violently pushed him off the porch swing – that was actually saying something. It seemed...slightly uncomfortable. But then, after the thing with the circus, Luna would never doubt Harry's stamina and flexibility again. Or his ability to pull off designer Lycra.
"Fine," she sighed. Her tears dried up miraculously. "I didn't want to do this, but you leave me no choice. Either you help me or I tell Hermione exactly what you and Ron did with Crookshanks."
Harry sat up in a hurry.
"What? You can't – we just – no one is supposed to know about that!"
She looked down at him pityingly.
"Harry, that's the point of blackmail. Will you please bow to my wishes now?"
There was a long, tense silence where they stared each other down, sparks flying between their eyes. Harry blinked first, eyes stinging. Luna had a stare like a bloody owl. No fair.
"Fine," he said, pouting. "But I won't forget this. It's a sad day when your partner in crime double-crosses you."
Ok, so he'd been overruled. But then, any sort of relationship with a female – friendly, romantic or otherwise – was full of compromise. Namely, the male compromised to keep the female happy, on the premise that her happiness was enough to cancel out his misery. So he had conceded.
Manfully.
Besides, Luna had been born with a...unique...face. She wasn't beautiful in the classic sense, but her face had a certain piquant charm. And it was that charm which she used to scam everyone.
Over half of her tactics wouldn't work on him otherwise, he was sure. He'd like to see any man resist her ruthless 'cute little girl' act, complete with puppy eyes. He'd have to be a soulless, heartless bastard. Or a lawyer.
So, there he was. Standing like a dolt on the pavement and seriously considering whether, in a few minutes, he would taste like charcoal or a well-done steak. And then...the luck gods deigned to smile on him.
He could hear it; the pure, sweet sound of salvation...if salvation sounded like an annoying instrumental recording of 'Mary Had A Little Lamb'. The end to his troubles was just around the corner...literally, as an ice-cream van rounded the bend in a slow-motion haze of heavenly white light.
Awestruck, Harry watched with parted lips as the van glided to a stop right in front of them, and his knight on a white horse (figuratively speaking) stuck his head out the window. The man glanced left and right over his suspicious moustache, then waved him closer.
Like a ghost, Harry drifted over to him.
"Hey kid, you look like you could use a good cooling down. I've got the ice-cream if you've got the money. How 'bout it?" Moustache Man's furry caterpillar eyebrows waggled suggestively.
Luna suddenly popped up between them, scaring them both half to death (which, in her logic, equalled one whole death, and if Harry had been any less of a man he'd be a corpse). The blonde's pupils were wide and diluted...well, more than usual.
"Hey, you're not my regular dealer," she said, brows furrowed.
"Uh, yeah. Rico, he had an accident," the man shrugged, looking shifty.
Harry's eyes narrowed. "What kind of accident?"
"The kind that...really looked like an accident. Hey, what is this, the Spanish Inquisition? You want the goods or not?"
Harry nodded dumbly, eyes glazing over as he envisioned frolicking in the snow with a huge cone in each hand.
"You've got Death by Chocolate, right?" Luna breathed out, swatting idly at the area around Harry's head to dispel the sudden invasion of silly thoughts before they infected her.
Her eyes never left the ice-cream man's blotchy face. She never even blinked.
The dealer squinted at her suspiciously. "That depends...who's asking?"
He jerked back with a yelp as she suddenly lunged forward. Her hands clawed at the side of the door, finding purchase so she could climb up until they were face-to-face. The glare she gave him could've melted glaciers.
His moustache quivered.
"I know you have it," she said harshly. "It's the only one I ever take. You've got to give it to me. I need it to live."
"A regular huh?" he smiled shakily. "Just gotta check – there's lots of idiots out there who don't know what they're getting into. They want a thrill; they end up with all kinds of complications: brain freeze, chipped teeth, explosive diarrhoea, death...and then they try to sue our company. Amateurs."
Luna's heavy, laboured breathing turned deep and guttural as the withdrawal really kicked in.
"Hey, hey, relax. Don't worry," the dealer squeaked, sweat beading on his brow. "We've got a special deal on DBC today – buy two tubs for the whopping low price of two."
"Hey wait," said Harry, snapping out of his daydream of cold chocolaty goodness. "That's the same old thing Rico always offers –"
"Deal!" Luna interjected loudly. "Just give me my fix! I can't –"
"Alright, alright," Moustache Man held up his hands in surrender. "Just tell me how much you want –"
"Two tubs –" Harry began.
"Four!"
"Four tubs each," he amended, not missing a beat.
Luna began calming down as soon as the dealer turned to dig out the eight tubs of ice-cream. She finally let go of her death grip on the van. Back on solid ground, she smiled and stretched her hands out to take the first tub.
"Hold up," Moustache Man said suddenly, holding it out of reach. "Where's my money?"
Luna blinked, puzzled. And that's when Harry's stomach took a dive. His instincts started firing off like crazy; warning bells loudly pealing in his mind as the luck gods stopped smiling and burst out in sardonic laughter.
"Money?" she repeated, like it was a foreign concept.
Moustache Man was back to squinting suspiciously.
"Yeah, cold hard cash. If you don't have the paper you're not getting any."
From the look on her face, you'd think someone had stolen Luna's Chopard diamonds.
"But..." she said, lips trembling. "It's Free Ice-Cream Day, isn't it?"
Moustache Man's caterpillars migrated to his hairline. "Free what-now?"
Luna's eyes watered as she looked at him pleadingly. Unfortunately, Moustache Man was either a soulless low-wage worker or a reincarnated lawyer, because he remained unmoved.
In fact, he gave her a nasty smirk, snorted in amusement, and then dissolved into loud peals of laughter.
"Free Ice-Cream Day? Oh, ha-ha," he hooted, revving up the engine. "Nice try kid, but you can forget about it. I don't mess with brokes."
He drove off laughing, the van's wheels screeching loudly and kicking up dust.
Coughing, Harry and Luna stumbled out of the thick dust cloud, wheeling their bicycles into the middle of the road.
"So," Harry gasped out. "Your ice-cream scam was a bust. What now?"
Staring off into the distance, Luna began to smile.
"Now, on to plan B."
She hopped onto her bicycle and took off like a shot, following the trail of burnt rubber. Soon all Harry could see of her was a blur of blond hair and furiously pumping legs.
"Well...crap," he sighed, straddling his bike and, against all reason, taking off after her. "So much for quitting while you're ahead, Potter."
From behind a strategically placed tree, Harry and Luna watched Mustache Man serve ice-cream to a noisy crowd of hyperactive kids, and were consumed by envy.
"This is ridiculous," Harry said, completely exhausted from heat-apathy. "I'd rather die of boredom at home than out here in the Sahara."
"Patience," the blonde beside him stressed. "All good things come to those who lie in wait."
"I'm almost positive that's not how the saying goes."
"'Almost positive' still leaves room for reinterpretation."
Harry lethargically rolled his eyes.
"Whatever happened to the intense signs of withdrawal you were displaying back there?" he abruptly asked.
"Hmm?" she blinked, slightly confused. "Oh, you mean from before? That was all part of the plan, though it didn't work as well as I'd hoped. I have a few hours until it sets in for real."
Harry just grinned wryly, shaking his head.
"I still don't see why we can't get your ice-cream at the supermarket."
Luna made an impatient noise. "It's not the same and you know it. Now shush, we have to wait for the perfect moment…"
Harry stared blankly at the side of her head.
"The perfect moment for what?"
Luna clamped a hand over his mouth, miming slitting his throat. Only then did Harry notice that the ice cream van was deserted, engine still running. Mustache Man had wandered over to some bushes near them and was squinting around suspiciously.
"Who's there?" he gruffly demanded.
The two of them kept silent, hardly daring to breathe, as the dealer took a few steps closer to their hiding spot. Before he came any closer, Harry pried Luna's hand off his mouth and gave a loud 'Meow!'
Luna looked at him as though he were a rare breed of octopus. He raised an eyebrow unrepentantly when the dealer's heavy footfalls stopped.
"Damn mangy cat," they heard him mutter as he strode back to the bushes and unzipped his pants.
Harry grimaced, but before he could do anything else Luna was shooting out of her crouch and tugging him along. They darted from tree to tree, then crept across the open pavement.
"Hey you!"
At the sound of Moustache Man's voice, they abandoned all pretence of stealth and ran like the dickens.
"To the ice-cream van!" Luna panted.
"What!" Harry was convinced he heard wrong. She couldn't really mean to –
"Just get in, there's no time for questions!"
Harry would have argued some more, but Moustache Man was gaining on them fast, bellowing like a rabid bull. By chance Harry spotted a hose lying abandoned on someone's lawn, water still gushing out. He snatched it up and aimed it at the dealer. Moustache Man was knocked right off his feet by the sheer force, yelling in shock and rage.
Harry dropped the hose and legged it.
Luna reached the van first, wrenching the passenger side door open and climbing in. A few seconds later Harry clambered in after her, forcing her to slide into the driver's seat.
"Hit the gas!" Harry screamed, slamming the door shut.
Her eyes glued on Moustache Man, who was getting to his feet and looking more pissed off by the minute, Luna gripped the wheel and stomped down. With a screech of burning rubber they were off.
Harry was beginning to regret this already.
Anxiously his eyes darted from the road, to the steadily climbing speed gauge, to the rear view mirror. In contrast, Luna was Zen as ever, with her Mona Lisa smile in place and her blond hair streaming in the wind. Unbidden, Harry's foot started tapping a fast staccato beat.
"Luna," he finally croaked. "There's an angry mob after us."
"If you ignore them they will eventually go away," she said in her mystical-hippie voice.
"Uh, yeah, I don't think so."
Luna shook her head, reaching out to turn up the cold air on the AC unit.
"Don't stress yourself out, Harry. Relax, enjoy the ride. If you look to the left you'll see the road to a popular make-out spot near the Whomping Willow," she said, looking unbearably cool and unruffled. "And over there is the infamous Forbidden Forest."
Harry just had to ask. "Why exactly is it forbidden?"
"Well..." Luna looked thoughtful. "It's a private forest reserve, not open to the public. Daddy says there's Heliopaths in there, like the Ghostrider, but really I think it's on account of the carnivorous spiders."
Harry's eyebrow shot up. "And just how would you know that?"
Luna scoffed derisively.
"I refuse to conform to society's rules when it won't even accept me."
"So you deliberately walked into a dangerous area all alone and unprotected?"
"I wasn't alone," she stubbornly refuted. "I took Ronald and his twin brothers with me."
"Hang on," Harry said slowly, beginning to connect the dots. "Don't tell me you're responsible for Ron's crippling fear of spiders..."
"All right, I won't."
"Good grief," Harry groaned.
"And there's the Great Hippogriff," she continued, blasé. She pointed in the direction of a knobbly rock.
Harry admitted that it looked like one if he squinted a little and tilted his head. But as far as distractions went, it wasn't all that successful. To tell the truth, Harry was close to panicking as Luna pressed down on the gas pedal and the needle shot to 60 mph.
"Luna, love, please remember that you don't have a driver's licence. And that we're squishy humans, easily susceptible to death and disfigurement."
The blonde sighed. "Fine. I'll get rid of the mob some other way. Here, hold this."
She crawled out of her seat. Harry yelled as the van made a wide arc, grabbing for the wheel.
"Woman, what the hell!"
"Just hold it while I take care of these guys!" she shot back impatiently.
Harry cursed under his breath as he eased into the driver's seat. Satisfied, Luna climbed precariously over into the back, stumbling a little from the rocking of the van. Bracing herself mentally, she spread her legs wide for balance and shoved the back doors open, fully expecting pandemonium.
She was not disappointed.
A veritable army of angry, red-faced people were chasing them on bicycles, scooters, skateboards, roller-skates and tired feet, clamouring to get their treats – or at least their money back.
As the chase went on the army got bigger; people waiting on the pavement for their ice-cream joined its ranks as they sped merrily past them. Everyone was angry and confused, shouting for the van to come back.
Luna made out a couple of foul curses mixed with threats of suing, more than a few complaints about cruddy customer service, and at least one "Just wait until I get my hands on you!" – which sounded an awful lot like Moustache Man.
The crowd just kept growing and growing... Dozens of thirsty, dissatisfied children, teens, parents, nannies and dogs shouted and screamed and barked and generally disrupted the peace of the quiet suburban neighbourhood as they kept up the pursuit.
They were getting close – too close.
Luna reached behind her, grabbed the first thing she touched, and flung it at the pimply-faced boy bearing down on their tailgate. It whacked him solidly in the head.
As he fell to the ground unconscious, the ones closest to him gave cries of victory and descended on his fallen form – or rather, on the huge tub of ice-cream that had knocked him out.
Thinking fast, Luna began throwing ice lollies, popsicles and ice-cream cartons at the horde with deadly accuracy. People started dropping like flies, partly because of heatstroke and exhaustion, but mostly because of her killer arm. Those medieval-style javelin throwing lessons were really paying off. Luna hadn't had this much fun since that time she and Harry broke into a secret government facility.
Cries of happiness and satisfaction became more and more frequent as people figured out how to catch the delicious missiles. They were promptly followed by cries of shock and pain as they were punched and tackled by those who didn't catch anything.
Suddenly, there was mass confusion of a different kind as the people turned on each other, trampling their fallen comrades as they chased the sweet delicious treats. In the space of five minutes, the seeds of dissent and discord sowed with every treat that fell into their midst had taken root, causing the army to violently turn on itself and self-destruct.
When the dust cleared, all you could see were dozens of unconscious bodies, young and...relatively young, lying prone on the road, while a few injured people hobbled away, clutching battered tubs of ice-cream. Luna commended herself on a job well done.
"Mischief Managed," she said cheerfully, shutting the doors.
Incredulous, Harry watched all this happen from the rear view mirrors, but just shook his head and kept driving…on the wrong side of the road. In his defence, Luna started out that way. He just took the wheel when she said to. He planned to switch lanes once he got out of suburbia and actual traffic appeared.
As for the lunacy that just transpired…he was blaming it all on the heat. It must be making people do crazy things. His hands were still shaking from the adrenaline rush. As she retook her seat Harry burst out,
"I can't believe we just hijacked an ice-cream van! In broad daylight!"
"Minor details."
"Luna, there were like fifty people there! What if we're arrested and they testify against us in court? We'll go straight to a detention centre, that's what. If Snape finds out about this he'll strangle me and throw me in a lake!"
She scoffed. "I gave them free ice-cream, Harry. Trust me; there is not one single Blubbering Humdinger in that crowd. We're their heroes. And as their heroes, we will render them incommunicado if they even think of squealing."
She paused, considering. "And I predict three-quarters of them will suffer concussions and severe memory loss due to the blunt trauma they just experienced."
Harry opened his mouth to uselessly protest some more, but Luna steamrolled right over him.
"Besides, this is all for the Greater Good. You told me that if you ever began sinking into depression over your break-up I was to snap you out of it ASAP," she said innocently.
She turned her devastating 'Love-Me' version of the puppy eyes on him. Her bottom lip wobbled just a little.
"What am I doing wrong?"
Harry winced, peeling his eyes away from those wide, wet, impossibly blue eyes just in time to avoid running off the road. Just like that, his anger was deflated and replaced by a sick feeling of guilt.
He was horrible at handling weepy females. Even Luna's crocodile tears sent him into a tizzy.
"Er, no, you are – I mean, you're not wrong, it's just…damn, you're really good at that," he trailed off, catching another glimpse of her face from the corner of his eye. He exhaled noisily. "Fine, I give up."
Like magic, Luna's heart-wrenching face dissolved into a sunny smile. Harry snorted.
She leaned over to kiss him on the cheek as she climbed into the back of the van again.
"That's what I like to hear – the sound of surrender," she sang out.
"Just tell me this: is whatever you're up to going to end in property and/or bodily damage that can be traced back to us? I really don't want another lawsuit."
Luna's muffled voice drifted back to him, "Don't worry about it or you'll get wrinkles again."
"They weren't wrinkles! Just…lines of wisdom and happiness."
"Do you have faulty memory or is it just selective today?"
"You're one to talk. Your interpretation of my orders is very strange and disturbing. How the hell did you connect 'snap me out of my funk' with 'let's take a shot at Grand Theft Auto'?"
"I just take my missions very seriously."
Harry snorted, veering into the right lane as they came to the interchange, expertly ignoring the loud curses and blaring horns.
"Yeah right. If you don't have an ulterior motive, I'll run naked through the greatly revered halls of Dalton Academy."
"Mm hmm. All those poor repressed gay boys would personally thank me for it, too," she said, sighing wistfully. "So many ambitious young souls, so little time…I'd be drafting up contracts left and right.
Anyway, stop complaining. You know you're enjoying this. We're like escape artists! Looking back in the years to come, we will call this: Harry and Luna's Big Summer Adventure."
Harry shook his head, smiling despite himself when Luna climbed back to her seat and handed him an ice-cream cone. Double scoop, chocolate and rocky road, topped off with warm chocolate sauce and candies. In other words, a total sugar overload. She was manipulating him and they both knew it.
"Thanks," Harry said softly. They both knew he meant for more than the ice-cream.
"What would you be doing right now if you didn't have me?"
"Leading a sad, lonely and rather deprived existence, probably."
Her laughter was high and sweet and made Harry's lips quirk.
"Probably."
They settled into a comfortable silence, licking at their treats before they melted completely. Somehow, eating stolen ice-cream while cruising along the highway in a stolen van made it taste even better. As did the generous helping of chocolate sauce, gummy bears and, of course, sprinkles...
"No, think about it. They really do taste like splinters of rainbow."
Harry scoffed disbelievingly.
"Skittles are the only snack that can claim that privilege. It's in their advertising spiel. Think of all the epic commercials!"
"Sprinkles are legitimate rainbow pieces," Luna insisted, "because all ice-cream flavours and toppings are made by leprechauns. Well, short grumpy Irish people in green uniforms were working there the last time I broke into Florean Fortescue's Ice-Cream Parlour, anyway. One even spit into the mixers for luck."
It took a moment for that to sink in.
Harry's tongue froze mid-lick, while Luna's lips parted in mute horror.
They looked at each other, then down at their ice-creams, then back at each other with blank expressions. Luna stuck her head out the window and spat out everything in her mouth.
Then she stuck her finger down her throat, attempting to induce vomiting.
"Maybe I should just eat crayons instead," Harry said over the retching sounds, flinging his cone out the window with a grimace.
Luna gave it up for a bad job and settled back in her seat, yanking out tissues from a box on the dashboard.
"Don't be silly, Harry Potter," she said matter-of-factly, dabbing at her mouth. "They clog your arteries and attract Flutterbees. Trust me when I say you don't want that to happen. The eggs they lay under your skin hatch into flobberworms…whose diet consists of amino acid, gamma globulin and fresh human entrails."
Harry choked.
"Ok, I agree that I don't want that to happen. Let's all just ignore the sarcasm dripping from what I said before."
The radio intercom device thingy suddenly buzzed to life, startling them. It was the loutish ice-cream dealer, only he sounded hoarse like he'd been crying. Or standing on the sidewalk screaming in outrage.
"This is...van has…compromised."
If anything was compromised, Harry though derisively, it was the device thingy. The sound quality was truly horrible – when it actually picked up transmission. Harry fiddled with the dials one-handed as Luna carefully reapplied her lip gloss.
"Do… a repair van? Give us…and we'll…"
"I can't…the location of my van…don't know where the hell it is! Those...blasted kids!"
"Sir, please refrain from…you were saying?"
"I'm saying…stolen by a kid…stupid accent…and that girl the company blacklisted! You…what the hell…supposed to do now?!"
Harry groaned again, throwing an accusing glance Luna's way. How the blazes had she gotten onto the company's black list? No, scratch that, why did she drag him into it? He'd never be able to buy ice-cream from Florean Fortescue's ever again! Harry fumed, clutching the steering wheel as he waited for the red light to change.
Luna, however, just calmly pulled out her Blackberry. The one Harry had bought her in a moment of thoughtless ignorance, back before he realized he shouldn't enable her…back before he realized that her heart was a swinging lump of coal.
"What are you doing now?" he questioned warily.
"I'm googling directions to the closest library," she said without a hint of sarcasm. Harry's eyebrow rose all by itself. "Oh, here's a branch of my usual library. My fake library card should get me into the Restricted Section without difficulties…"
This was making no sense to him but hey, she had a reason for everything she did, didn't she?
"Oooh, they're advertising their air conditioning..."
Well then, that settled it. What could it hurt? They needed to lay low anyway. Hopefully, his faith in Luna would not lead to his untimely doom…this time. He had a feeling that, ultimately, all the weird, secretive things she did would culminate in an Armageddon that would spread across the multiverse.
He was really glad she was on his side. Most of the time.
They pulled up in a random car park. It was close to the library, an apartment complex on a main boulevard, a highway overpass and a strip mall with a supermarket. If they were lucky, the noise and condensation from the constant traffic would hide their presence for a while.
He cut the engine when his covert glances didn't reveal anyone staring at them in a menacing or perverted manner. Luna was busy pulling her hair into order.
"What are you gonna do after the library anyway?"
He eyed the strip mall apprehensively as he waited for her usual answer – retail therapy, with a quick fix of terrifying sales attendants. But instead she looked at him and shrugged, her glittery dress falling off one creamy shoulder, even as her eyes twinkled devilishly.
"Uh oh. Luna..." Harry began with a warning tone in his voice.
"Just trust me," she insisted, fixing her spiral earrings so they caught the light perfectly. Harry gave her a long look tinged with silent suffering. He really couldn't afford to underestimate this girl.
"Luna, what are you planning?"
She just patted him on the arm as she shoved her door open, hopping out moments after. The intense sunlight made her squint as she looked back at him. Or maybe it was the reflection of the light off her…everything. Her jewellery glittered fiercely, her dress sparkled like a human-sized disco ball, and above all the sun created an innocent halo around her blonde hair.
She looked eccentric – especially with lollies and coloured pencils in her hair – but harmless. Like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth.
Everything was a lie.
"There's a gas station over there. Please fill up the tank and don't ask annoying questions. I'd hate to hide your body all by myself," she said brightly, then lazily pirouetted on her heels and flounced off.
"Luna!"
She waved without turning back.
Harry rolled his eyes and sighed.
"Guess I'm on my own then."
Dealing with Luna in one of her moods was so taxing. As he started up the engine to do as she said, he admitted that it wasn't all bad. She never let him feel sorry for himself for too long. And at least there was never a dull moment with her.
What was the saying? 'Blonds have more fun'...?
Blonds would be awesome…if they weren't so cute and manipulative and evil.
When he got back he headed straight into the library. As the doors closed soundlessly behind him, he stood stock still, eyes slipping closed. Oh, lovely AC. Sweet, divine AC. At this moment he could even fool himself into thinking Luna had angelic qualities for leading him here.
After a brief, confusing detour he finally found her in the reference section. All five foot four of her was hidden by a stack of ancient books. Only the slight shimmer radiating from her outfit clued him in to where she was sitting, reading a rag-mag and sucking on one of the lollies she'd stuck in her messy bun. He sat down opposite her, undetected.
After a moment he casually remarked, "So what's dirty secret number seven?"
She jumped, flailing and almost falling off her chair. He smirked as her wide blue eyes flickered to his face.
Luna's guilty look turned into a frown once the jibe she registered.
"It's impolite to ask, you know. These are ancient secrets women use for devious man-eating purposes. As long as you're batting for our team – even just part time – you're not supposed to see it coming."
"I find that a tad hypocritical coming from you."
"That has nothing to do with anything," she said, and sniffed haughtily. "Besides, I haven't gotten that far. I was researching for you."
"Thanks, but I'm not quite to the dirty secret stage with anyone at the moment."
Luna huffed.
"That's not what I meant," she said, primly closing her magazine and setting it on the table. She leaned her elbows on the plastic surface and craned her neck forward so they could whisper.
Because ensconcing them in this dusty, deserted corner in the far back of the library just wasn't private enough.
"You seemed worried about us liberating the ice-cream van," she ignored his muttered comment about stolen property and criminal records, "so I decided, just this once, to adhere to an organized religion that does not promote regular human sacrifices."
He cocked an eyebrow.
"The twelfth commandment," she elaborated. "Thou shalt not get caught."
"Disregarding the fact that you skipped over the non-existent eleventh commandment, what's that got to do with this 'research' of yours?"
"When I came in I politely asked the reference librarian to get me the phone numbers of all the copies-and-signs-made-while-you-wait shops in the area. After that it was simply a matter of deduction by price and quality."
Harry blinked at the non-sequitur. Luna blinked back, her eyes wide and luminous, as she reached under the table for her tote bag. Like Hermione's, it always somehow seemed to have more space on the inside than the outside suggested (another ancient womanly secret?). Harry had learned not to question it.
From the bag she plucked out a neatly-folded piece of paper and slid it over to him. With trepidation, Harry opened it to read: 'Flourish and Blotts' in pretty cursive; an address, a list of prices, and precise directions from the library complete with arrows and squiggly lines. His eyebrows went up as she went on to summarize her kooky plan.
"I am reluctantly impressed," he admitted.
"So it passes your inspection?"
"Hell, it's better than anything I've thought of, short of pushing the van into a lake. And it's a five minute drive at most. Let's go."
Harry did not miss how she tore the library barcode off the magazine before she slipped it into a thick, mouldy book she'd borrowed. He casually turned his head the other way, whistling. They had an arrangement after all: as long as he didn't nag, she wouldn't try turning him into a living Ken doll.
He intended to hold to his end. At least until a better offer came up, or until he found a loophole that would help him counter-blackmail her. Her betrayal was still fresh in his mind. Probably because it happened just this morning.
As they passed the reference librarian's desk, the woman on duty glanced at them, paled, then disappeared below the counter in a hurry. Harry turned to Luna in exasperation.
"'Politely asked', you said? You've traumatized her.'
Luna only smiled. "It was almost as good as terrorizing sales attendants."
"This will never work, you know," Harry said glumly, for the fifth time since they'd left the library, then the copy/sign shop, then pulled onto the highway, crossing intersections at random.
He wasn't too worried about getting lost – Luna wouldn't let that happen unless she'd planned it.
"Of course it will," she answered, chipper as ever. "Just look at this!"
She shoved her phone under his nose and he automatically glanced down. Apparently she'd snapped a picture of the 'renovated' van before they'd left. He brought his eyes back on the road when someone honked rudely behind them.
He didn't actually need to see it. The bright green and silver logo now fixed to the side of the van nearly gave him retina burn the first time he laid eyes on it. You don't forget something like that in a hurry.
Where there was once the airbrushed name and logo of a perfectly reputable ice-cream company was now a large magnet boldly proclaiming: "The Quibbler Magazine". Above was a picture of a hand with fire engine red talon-like nails holding a bright green quill, which was basically attacking an open roll of parchment.
She'd even somehow had the number plate changed to a vanity plate saying 'KUNTS2U'. He felt rather sorry for anyone driving behind them who happened to read that.
"Your dad would have a cow if he sees his magazine's name on some random vehicle."
"He won't see anything. There were no paparazzi hidden in the bushes. You parked out of sight of any security cameras, plus you paid in cash so no-one will be able to follow our trail. And I used my new alias and made-up numbers too, so quit tormenting yourself."
To complete the ruse, Luna'd had business cards made to match, with a fake address and fake telephone and fax numbers. She'd also put the fake name 'Rita Skeeter' on every card, followed by the title 'Reporter and President of Marketing/Advertising'.
"That's the height of false advertising."
"Oh shush. It serves its purpose."
"Which is…what? To make us look guiltier?"
"No, darling. And is it really too much to ask for a little faith? We'll be fine."
Harry sighed and barely managed to resist bashing his head against the steering wheel. Why didn't he listen to his basic self-preservation instinct today? It was incredibly straightforward: Little blond girl bad. Bring plenty trouble. Abort, ABORT!
But it was much too late now.
"What if the ice-cream company sends out a patrol and they recognize the van?"
She stared at him blankly. "Harry. It's a white mini-van. There are literally thousands of them."
"Yeah?" he asked sceptically. "And how many of them have loudspeakers?"
It's not like they'd taken the damn thing off the roof. It was bolted down and today of all days they didn't have any crowbars handy. And there were still ice-cream song tapes in the glove compartment. Not to mention the huge cartons and mini-freezers filled with ice-cream sitting innocently in the back.
Luna heaved a put-upon sigh. Catering to Harry's conscience was annoying. It was surprisingly active today...must be the oppressive heat. Maybe, since the heat sapped all his willpower and basic ability to function, he was unable to keep it trampled and stuffed down in the deepest, darkest corner of his subconscious?
It was a pity he hadn't figured out how to get rid of it completely yet. Maybe she could give him a few pointers?
"What if we end up on the local news? There could be a high-speed police chase, and then we'll be arrested for underage driving. And thievery. And your dad will flay you alive."
"No he won't. He likes it when I'm free-spirited and adventurous. If mom hadn't intervened back in my formative years I'd be a wild child," she lightly quipped.
Harry glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. She seemed okay talking about her mum…but he knew that it couldn't be easy for her. It wasn't easy for him even though he couldn't remember much about his parents. It was like an empty space existed inside him that was carved out just for them, and they weren't there to fill it. He could ignore the constant ache, but not completely.
On the other hand, Luna had known her mum. She was the most important person to her in the world for years; not just as a mother, but as a confidant, teacher, and friend. If Harry's loss was like a hole in his heart, Luna'd probably had hers cleaved in two. It was enough to drive anyone barmy.
Sometimes he wondered which was worse: knowing someone and then losing them, or never having the chance to know them at all. In weaker moments he mourned for the missed opportunity. Luna just mourned.
It all made sense, if he thought about it: the way she would get lost in her mind, isolating herself from others and drifting through life; the way she clung to things that reminded her of her mum, like bogus horoscopes and chocolate ice-cream; the way she tried to get control over her life and gather happiness for herself...usually by taking those things away from others.
He wondered if she even noticed what she was doing. He wondered if being her friend was enough to keep her from self-destructing and taking a good chunk of the world with her.
After a couple minutes had passed in strained silence, Luna rolled her eyes and poked him in the cheek. Harry jerked. The car swerved dangerously.
"Bloody hell, woman, I'm driving here! Wherever we're going, I'd like to get there alive, so have a little more care for your safety!"
"In the long run we are all dead. John Maynard Keynes said that."
"Well, John Maynard Keynes can take that and stuff it. I intend to live forever, and so far so good. You're raving mad if you think I'll throw my life away now."
"Why thank you. I already knew I was insane but it's always nice to be complimented."
Harry snorted, grinning. "Quite all right. Word of advice: don't say that outside of private company. Regular sane people don't like to be reminded of our superiority."
Luna smiled. "I can just imagine their faces now when we pull up in this sweet ride."
Harry's tentative good mood evaporated so fast you'd think a Dementor had popped up right next to him.
"No-one is going to find out," she promptly assured him. "We blend in completely."
He shot her an incredulous look. "But –"
"I'm hungry. Let's have Chinese."
Harry sighed, shoulders slumping in defeat.
"How do you even know there's a Chinese place around here?" he grumbled. "And you can't say anything about your 'Inner Eye'. It's insensitive after what you did to Trelawney."
The Psychic Fair had brought along all sorts of 'seers', 'soothsayers' and mystics. There had been a funfair, a theatre and even a fireworks display. Unfortunately, it never did recover from what the twins and Luna did. And neither did that fraud, Sibyl Trelawney. The poor soused coot.
Luna shook her head. "No, I've got directions for that too. Libraries are really helpful!"
Harry snorted. Leave it to Luna to abuse a building full of books, of all things.
Somehow, despite knowing that Luna had ulterior motives, Harry was still caught off guard when they reached their destination.
"...Luna?"
"Hmm?"
"What is this madness?"
She looked at him as if he was the odd one. "It's the annual Lord of the Rings Convention, Harry. Don't you read signs at all?"
They both glanced to the massive, unnecessarily colourful banner above their heads before their gazes were drawn back to the riot all around them. Disregarding the strange sounds coming from inside the building and the befuddling conversations filled with weird double-meaning, just the costumes alone were creepy enough. It was like stepping into another dimension.
It was almost like that one Valentine's eve at Hogwarts in second year. Everyone went to sleep as normal and woke up to find that the pretty-boy idiot, Professor Lockhart, had turned the place into a fucked-up love nest.
Harry shuddered and looked around warily. No, there was a distinct lack of pink confetti and hairy cupids. Thank Merlin. He shook his head to dispel the memories and cleared his throat.
"As a matter of fact, yes I do read signs. Most of the time. Sometimes I just choose to ignore them – I mean, come on, why would you tell me the floor's been waxed or the paint's wet if you didn't want me to test it out? But what I really mean is: why did you bring me here?"
Luna sighed. "I should think that was obvious. You're rather slow on the uptake today, aren't you?"
Harry's lips parted in abject terror as realization hit. He glanced at the door, at Luna, at a group of people squealing over a life-size golem attempting to attack them, then squeaked and made a mad dash for the exit.
Unfortunately for him, Luna was always two steps ahead.
He was three feet away from the door when two redheads simultaneously stepped in front of it from either side, blocking his escape.
"You shall not pass!" they said together eerily.
In a blink, they'd grabbed him by both arms and marched him into a side room that held chairs, cardboard boxes, a floor-to-ceiling mirror and a massive costume rack. He stumbled as he was pushed into the middle of the room.
He flinched as the door shut with a final-sounding click. He spun around to face the Weasley twins, crossing his arms.
"This coup will not go unpunished," he growled, glaring heatedly at them.
"Harry, you wound me," the closest one declared, slinging an arm around his neck. "We only want what's best for you."
"Yes Harry, I am deeply hurt," the other said, wiping away fake tears. "Don't you know our actions stem from the deep, convoluted love we have for pranking you?"
Harry hung his head. "Why am I friends with you again?"
The twins looked at each other and shrugged.
"Well, we do bring excitement into your life."
"But it's all right if you just use us for target practice."
While Harry was processing that, Luna's voice floated out from the bowels of the clothing rack, smug in a way that set Harry on edge.
"Did you really think I'd let you go now, Harry Potter? I already anticipated your escape and made preparations for it."
Harry's teeth gnashed. "So this is what we've come to? What happened to your 'unwavering loyalty'?"
"Aw, lighten up Harry," twin one said, clapping him hard on the back.
"You really haven't been yourself lately," his brother added. "We're just helping Luna on her mission to cheer you up."
"You should be grateful," Luna called out. "I was going to take you on a three-day shopping marathon, but they bribed me out of it."
All three boys shuddered.
"Ok, I guess it could be worse," Harry admitted.
"Yeah, we really couldn't let you become Imperio'd by her evil shopaholic powers."
"Especially as it means you owe us a Life Debt now."
Harry's protest was cut off by the loud flapping and rustling sounds of clothes being pulled aside. They turned to the rack just in time to see Luna emerge dramatically from deep in its confines and into the sunlight.
The twins gave loud cries and shrunk back.
"Oh, the horror!"
"I'm melting! Meeeeltiiiiing!"
"It's the attack of the Twilight!"
"Shield your eyes, brother! This too shall pass!"
Harry snickered. Luna rolled her eyes and huffed, arms akimbo.
"It's just a dress, you nitwits."
"My scorched retinas beg to differ," twin one griped.
Twin two – probably Fred – peeked out from between his fingers.
"Can you turn it off?"
"Don't be silly, George."
"I'm not George, I'm Fred."
"You're never Fred after eleven on weekends," she pointed out.
He paused and tugged his twin's hand from his eyes, pulling it over to inspect his empty wrist.
"Hey Harry, what time is it? Fred's watch is broken."
"It's not! Obviously the time is skin past bone!"
Harry snorted. "It's twenty minutes to twelve."
"Well, what do you know, she's right," Fred – now George – said admiringly.
"Of course I'm right. I'm always right except for the rare times I'm wrong," Luna said, absently tucking away loose strands of blonde hair.
George – now Fred – frowned. "But how did you find out? Our system is supposed to be incomprehensible to everyone else."
"Did Harry teach you how to read our body language?"
"I did no such thing," Harry staunchly defended. "But if I did I wouldn't tell you either."
"You're beginning to contradict yourself. It's really too confusing. I think you need saner friends."
"Of course, sanity is just a myth that the world has bought into –"
"– so you'll probably be better off sticking with the people you know."
"And you call me confusing," Harry muttered sullenly. "Anyway, I didn't teach her how to crack your madman code. It's just that her twisted logic allows her to understand yours."
"Oh damn," said George – or Fred if he wanted to get technical. "We forgot that Luna doesn't follow the set rules of the universe."
His twin slapped a hand to his forehead. "I knew there was something we didn't account for."
"Well, it's not like I'm about to tell everyone about it, is it?" Luna said.
The twins eyed her guardedly.
"I don't know; is it?" Fred-or-George asked.
Luna smiled slowly. "That all depends on how far you're willing to go to keep your secrets."
As the twins' faces paled, Harry began to smirk. Misery loves company, after all.
Despite his protests, Luna and the twins had manhandled him into an itchy forest-themed costume. The only thing he liked about it was the fact that it showed off his spectacular legs.
Currently, he was leaning against the wall outside their improvised dressing room, waiting for Luna to be finished with Fred and George. Harry scowled, crossing his arms. Honestly, did a pair of healthy teenagers really need help getting dressed? Or were the three of them secreted away in some hidden alcove, taping him as he stood uncomfortably in the open being leered at?
It wouldn't be the first time.
Harry's dark thoughts were interrupted by a loud squeal of adoration. Looking down, Harry raised an eyebrow at the two blushing girls standing before him, dressed in robes of a light, floating material.
"May I help you?" he questioned. The one with the curly blonde hair actually swooned at the sound of his voice. Harry blinked, startled.
"Oh, my – uh – you – accent mmm…" her friend, who was of some sort of Indian descent, slapped a hand over her mouth, even as she stared at Harry admiringly.
"What my linguistically-challenged friend means, is that you wear that costume well," she explained. "Much better than Elijah Wood. And, uh, your accent is really sexy."
A smirk pulled at the edges of Harry's lips.
"You do realize that to me, you're the ones with the accent?"
"Yeah, but I might as well be tone-deaf," she said, lips twitching. "What's your name?"
"Isn't it more polite to state your own name first?" he quipped lightly.
"Fine then. I'm Parvati Patil, and this is my best friend –"
"Lavender," the blonde said breathily, shaking the other girl's hand off and extending her own to shake. "Lavender Brown."
Harry took her hand and brushed his lips against her knuckles. She squeaked faintly. Harry's smirk broadened to a grin.
"Potter, Harry Potter. It's a pleasure to meet you, Lavender, Parvati…may I call you by your first names?"
"You may," the brunette said with affected gravity. "But only if you buy us lunch."
"You American women are so forward," he teased.
Parvati smiled impishly, her eyes twinkling. "If I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?"
Lavender gasped. "Pav!"
"What? He was daring me with his eyes!"
"So that means you'll practically throw yourself at a stranger?"
Harry laughed. "Ladies, ladies, calm down. It's fine. Let me take you to lunch. You'll get to know me so I won't be a stranger anymore, and I'll have the company of two lovely women. Everyone wins."
"Well, I don't know…" Parvati tapped her lips, pretending to consider it. "Lav does have a point."
"I swear I won't do anything you don't want me to."
"I think we'll need more incentive than the promise of a good lay."
Lavender moaned, mortified on behalf of her friend. Harry chuckled.
"Fine. I'll buy you lunch, and then you can walk around showing me off to all the other girls. That's acceptable, right Lavender?"
The blonde flushed prettily. "Well, all right. How can we refuse an offer like that?"
Harry smiled at her warmly. "Exactly. You know, you're really good for my ego. You may not be the Ring, but can I still call you my precious?"
Lavender dimpled at him, biting her lip coyly. "You can call me whatever you like as long as you treat me right."
Parvati pursed her lips. "And you call me slutty?"
Lavender swatted at her blindly, refusing to break contact with Harry's dreamy green eyes.
"Then we'll start with lunch, and take it from there," his sexy molten voice flowed over her. She blinked and frowned.
"Slowly, very slowly," he quickly amended.
"No, that's just heartbreaking," the blonde disagreed. "I have very detailed plans involving you. But let's just go to lunch and let them unfold naturally."
At her words Harry felt a strange mixture of admiration, fear and excitement. Parvati rubbed her hands together, grinning widely.
"Awesome," she chirped, looping an arm through Lavender's. "We'll be setting up our merchandise in the tent outside all morning. Meet us at the Leaky Cauldron for lunch. And don't let the atmosphere scare you off – their curry is to die for. Now, if you'll excuse us..."
"Bye-bye!" Lavender parroted, waggling her fingers in that cute little wave girls had as her friend carted her off.
"If you make us wait we're ordering the most expensive things on the menu!" Parvati threw over her shoulder. Harry laughed.
"I'll be there," he called back.
He watched them until they were out of sight, grinning as they put their heads close together and gossiped – obviously about him. Oh yeah, he still had it. Getting over his slump would be a breeze. Luna's devious plan might not be so bad after all.
Speak of the devil and she shall appear.
"Hello again, Harry," she smiled in that vague way that meant she was really cackling inside. She'd changed into thigh-high leather boots, breaches, an elaborately embroidered tunic, and a long platinum-blond wig. With a beard.
"Luna. Traitors," he added as Fred and George sidled up on either side of him from behind.
"Hello, Fearless Leader!" the first one said, beaming at him. "I see you've taken our advice to heart."
His twin nodded, snaking an arm around Harry's shoulders and dragging him closer like they were buddies. "Who're your new friends?"
Harry scowled, turning to them. "None of your business…and what the hell are you wearing?"
"Oh, this old thing?" the twin to his left said faux-modestly, lifting the hem of his thick robe. "It's part of our role as Gandalf impersonators."
Twin two stroked his long white beard thoughtfully. "Very authentic, isn't it?"
Harry snickered. "You look like demented versions of Headmaster Dumbledore."
The twins were absolutely delighted. "Why thank you!"
"All right, enough chit-chat," Luna interjected sternly. "You have a job to do."
The redheads sighed gustily. Harry was released as twin two went to stand next to his brother.
"Well, Harry? Aren't you coming?" Luna tapped her foot impatiently.
Harry sighed, pushing himself off the wall.
"After you," he said, bowing mockingly and sweeping his arm out.
Luna smiled, satisfied. "Very good. I have trained you well."
Harry rolled his eyes and matched her fast pace, the twins trailing after them.
End...for now.