Title: Phantasm
Pairing: Yahiko/Konan [before 'Pein']
Rating: PG-16
Warnings: a more recent 'M' rated fiction, with darker/mature content to come later.
Summary: Konan knew she desired this closeness, shared between them like a hidden pact. Something reassuring to her. When Yahiko kissed her, one last time, too hard for her to breathe, it was confirmed.

Note: I can't believe the in-canon Yahiko/Konan scenes in chapter 511. *dies of happiness*. Thank you Kishimoto for supporting Yahiko/Konan. I always knew he committed suicide because he loved her. Thanks for reading. Review please? And BTW, you know I don't own, right?

Phantasm

"Loneliness is like starvation: you don't realize how hungry you are until you begin to eat."

- Joyce Carol Oates

Part 2:: 13 to 16 Years Old::

The Sannin. Tsunade, the strong, unyielding woman known for her great strength. Her comapnion, whom they did not trust - "Orochimaru" - with corpse like skin and dead eyes. And Jiraiya, the most powerful, the balance between them, who listened.

They came across them at last.

And they reached an almost fantastic salvation. A hallucination of hope.

The ramshackle house they stayed in on the outskirts of the village was small, but nice. A small stove was in the corner near an ice chest. A kotetsu was near the kitchen, a few chairs in the living room near a sofa. The fireplace in the corner was tiny, but amazingly it threw off heat and chased out the rain's chill. The window panes in the kitchen were cracked, but clean.

"Here's your beds," Jiraiya said, pointing to the sleeping bags on the tatami mats. "Sorry we don't have better accommodations." He didn't know about where they'd previously stayed. Not "lived". Stayed.

But this was living. Konan, as she took in the first place close to 'Home' in so long, in what felt like an infinite space of time, felt her chest grow impossibly heavy with a sort of sadness but also with gratitude.

She was unable to fathom why this stranger, a great shinobi no less, would be offering to take care of them. Konan was unsure of what his reasons were, why he wanted to help them. But soon, it became clear to her: it was Nagato. Jiraiya-sensei wanted to train Nagato.

"Why?" Nagato asked Konan one of the first nights. It was after Yahiko had been attacked, by a rogue ninja looking to kill them for food and supplies. Nagato had, somehow, killed the rogue, and saved Yahiko's life in the process.

Yahiko's brush with death did not shake his resolve to continue to live, to hold onto that almost childish dream Konan could never forget hearing him speak - "I want to rule this world." But he was silent that night, bandaged and bruised.

"Because. Nagato is special," Konan whispered back, as she listened to the steady, gravely breaths of their teacher on the far side of the room. In and out, again and again, like peaceful white noise.

::::::

Ninjutsu - Yahiko had talked about this before. It was what Jiraiya-sensei and his companions knew, what the rogue who'd tried to kill Yahiko knew. It was what Konan did not know well and it frustrated her.

"I want to teach you ninjutsu," Jiraiya-sensei announced after the attack. "I feel you three have natural talent we need to hone. It certainly isn't too late."

Konan looked up from her bento in surprise. She was, to her embarrassment, trying not to wolf this food down. It was delicious. Eel over rice. It was simple - but she had not had this in so long, it was like a delicacy.

"Really?" Yahiko asked, excitedly jumping up from his seat at their table, chopsticks clattering. His eyes shone with a sort of childish wonder, but a sort of maturity as well - a deep desire to learn. To be powerful.

"Yep!" Jiraiya laughed, ruffling Yahiko's hair. Nagato was silent. He'd been upset since...what had happened, a few nights ago. But now he looked up at their teacher, and Konan touched his arm, trying to assure him: it will be all right. You will learn. You'll get strong.

::::::

Out on their makeshift training field, Konan and Yahiko would practice.

Jiraiya-sensei would be helping Nagato. He had "different abilities" than they did, besides regular ninjutsu. Konan shivered when she thought about it. She'd seen what sensei called Nagato's Rinneagan, and she sensed something was deadly and mysterious about the many rings that encircled his eyes.

"Why do you think Nagato and Jiraiya went off?" Yahiko asked casually, as he sorted through the various weapons they'd acquired for training.

Konan picked up a kunai and tucked it in her weapons pouch. She felt almost like an experienced shinobi wearing such equipment, that their sensei had given them. But she still needed to focus less on her jutsu - which involved her talent for paper folding - and more on her chakra control as well as using weapons.

"I don't know," she said quietly, not wishing to discuss it: Nagato's special power. Powerful enough to kill a rogue. It was still an enigma to her. To them both.

Yahiko shrugged. He gathered his tools and stood. They faced each other standing there, the rain a thin veil between them that dampened their clothes, and Konan did her best to bite back a grin. It was still Yahiko, and she was still Konan, but she felt as if now they were living two others' lives, or playing actors parts.

"Quit smiling!" Yahiko demanded, but he sounded playful enough and grinned a bit himself.

"Quit stalling!" Konan said back, and ran forward to make the first move.

For nearly an hour they sparred, throwing shuriken and kunai, dodging some, fending off each others' jutsu and attacks.

But Konan could feel her strength quickly beginning to dwindle. She'd made the error of using too much chakra to try to attack Yahiko with her paper clone. Their jutsu was getting better after months of practice, but their technique - it was still rough around the edges.

"Come on, Konan!' Yahiko taunted, running towards her, coming in close for combat. He threw a swift punch, which Konan easily dodged -

But then, Yahiko kicked her feet out from beneath her, and Konan was suddenly on the ground in an instant, fallen from an attack too swift to avoid, pinned down.

Yahiko grinned. Konan breathed deeply, chest rising and falling wildly. She was completely out of breath. Yahiko was getting better - and faster now, too.

She sighed, trying to catch her breath. "It's not fair. I'm tired."

Yahiko teased, "Tired already?"

Konan rolled her eyes at him, laughing easily. "We're not all so energetic, like you, Yahiko."

Her breathing began to slow and suddenly, Konan was aware that she was still pinned down from their spar. Her stomach flipped, and her heart beat funnily in response. She pursed her lips at Yahiko, who was no longer really grinning, starting to say, "Um, Ya -"

"Remember when you said before - that you weren't mad at me for...?" Yahiko breathed quietly though loud enough to hear, still worn from fighting.

Konan felt her eyes widen. She caught herself and tried to remain calm, tried to keep heat from rising to her cheeks. She remembered. It was...it wasn't too long ago. Now it felt like it happened just last night. That strange incident in the cave, how he'd -

"I remember," she echoed her thoughts aloud against her better judgement, a tangle of nerves settling in her chest, Konan's stomach dancing with butterflies. Of nervousness. Of anticipation.

"Yeah?" Yahiko asked quietly. Konan did not mind this closeness, because she could see straight into Yahiko's eyes, and it gave her a kind of calm to see that it was still Yahiko, the leader/protector/fighter, talking, the boy who always had hope. A pillar of strength.

"You really weren't mad?" Yahiko said, and Konan realized she'd never heard him speak so evenly.

"No," she found herself say slowly, focusing on the flecks of yellow-green in his eyes. It was almost like this wasn't even real.

"Do you want to..." Yahiko trailed off, swallowing and closing his eyes briefly before opening them again. He no longer held her wrists, his palms now pressing into the muddy ground as he crouched over her.

It meant: you can go.

Konan felt stuck to the damp, rain-soaked earth as if she couldn't fight against him. She didn't want to. Why didn't she?

"I..." Konan muttered, looking up for a moment into the drizzling sky; the dark and ugly clouds, looming over this dark and ominous village. Something in her chest ached and felt hollow when she thought about this.

"Ok," Yahiko said, maybe for assurance, or for no reason at all, and leaned down to kiss her for the second time.

Konan felt lights exploded behind her eyes almost violently; like electric sparks were crackling beneath her lids. She shut her eyes because she knew he would close his. When his lips made contact with hers, Konan breathed in sharply, chest rising and her lungs still.

Then she breathed out again, into Yahiko's kiss. It wasn't forceful, which seemed almost ironic. Konan shakily wrapped her hands around his neck and brought him closer to her. She flinched when she felt a coarse hand touch the side of her face (and it was all so unlike him) but he was bringing her impossibly closer this way, closer to him still.

Konan could feel the heat radiating off of Yahiko's body, and remembered in this haze that he was always so warm, the nights they'd slept close in the cave in the rainy winters, when she'd thought she'd die from cold.

Yahiko kissed her over and over again, at first slowly and awkwardly; then with more pressure, because Konan could not push him away (but did she really want to?)

Konan knew she let him only because she desired this contact, this closeness, shared between them. Like a hidden pact, or bond. Like a secret only they knew. Something protected. Something private, and reassuring to her. When Yahiko kissed her, one last time, long and hard, too hard for her to breathe, that confirmed it.

::::::

They were 16 when Jiraiya-sensei knew that it was time for him to depart. Jiraiya stood watching them. The frog cards on the wall were all flipped over, except for his. "I have to leave, so you three can start your journey elsewhere. As capable shinobi."

Konan watched as Yahiko tried not to cry, and Nagato stared on suddenly appearing almost strong, presenting an air of confidence that Konan did not know he had.

The day of their teacher's departure, Konan overheard what he said before he left.

"Don't forget what I told you, Nagato," Jiraiya said; and Nagato nodded, almost grave.