I'm really glad you're all finding this amusing – and thank you for the reviews. Oh, and there's another cameo from George the Turtle, who belongs to Tazmy. Rules 72 and 79 were inspired by Shadows-of-Realm – thank you, tiger!
The Rulebook was proving to be a smash success on the base – so much so that Elizabeth asked Carson to carry on with it. The Scotsman agreed, on condition that the incriminating video of him was to be destroyed.
John and Rodney, meanwhile, were less than thrilled to find that the Infirmary's handbook was proving to be more popular with the expedition members than their Off-World Survival Guide. In truth, the thing that they were really annoyed about was the fact that they seemed to be the cause of more rules than either thought was humanly possible. Realising that they'd never be able to pull one over on Beckett, Rodney suggested that they make the physician's life a little bit more difficult. John wasn't convinced to begin with, but was soon swayed to the dark side – especially when the Canadian outlined a couple of his ideas...
Rule 40: Stop smuggling alcohol into the wards.
SGA-11 had convinced SGA-10 to smuggle in some alcohol when they were stuck in the Infirmary on New Year's Eve. Unfortunately, the only booze SGA-10 could find was some of Radek's more potent hooch. A series of stomach pumps and several near-fatal hangovers later, and Carson decided to ban alcohol in any shape or form to avoid repeats.
Rule 41: 'I just wanted some fresh air' is not a valid excuse for discharging yourself without the medical staff's say so.
A. Neither is: 'But my CO said I could go'.
Carson was beginning to wonder about the mental state of the Marines.
Rule 42: Flash-bangs are banned.
The Marines were in trouble yet again. Their military manoeuvres training had spilled over into the Infirmary one day and some bright spark had decided to throw in a couple of flash-bangs. Once Carson could see and hear again, he took his revenge by medically grounding those responsible in order to carry out psych evaluations.
Heightmeyer had a field day with her new 'therapy group'.
Rule 43: So are home-made Cherry Bombs.
Geniuses plus explosive materials equalled one very angry Scotsman and a very sheepish Radek and Rodney. In their defence, they had been planning a spot of revenge on the Marines at the time, but had used inferior quality ammunition. Whilst their Cherry Bombs had been very impressive (and oddly colourful), the fact that they went off in the Infirmary put the Science Department at the very top of the Medical Department's official shit list. The Marines were delighted, seeing as it took the heat off of them, while Heightmeyer had a boatload of new recruits for her therapy group.
John, on the other hand, thought the bombs were cool and promptly ordered two dozen crates worth. He had a somewhat worrying love of both explosions and pretty colours.
Rule 44: Do not refer to Dr Beckett as a 'sheep-bothering, Highland Voodoo Priest'.
A. Only Dr McKay is allowed to call him that.
Some of the new intake of scientists had heard Rodney in mid-rant at Carson while the Scotsman was attempting to patch up a rather nasty burn, courtesy of one of their Cherry Bombs. Unfortunately, they got it into their heads that if their boss could call Carson names then so could they. Beckett wasn't impressed and Rodney went nuclear.
Most of the newbies were talking again, but tended to jump if anyone so much as breathed too loudly.
Rule 45: Stop saying the Athosian Prayer for the Dead every time someone goes into surgery with Dr Cole.
For some reason, SGA-3, 5, 6 and 9 didn't like Dr Cole and had started to mutter the rite whenever she was about to take someone into surgery. The poor woman had a minor breakdown over it and had to spend two months on the mainland recuperating with Halling and company.
Rule 46: Do not test out newly discovered Ancient devices in the Infirmary.
Rodney and John had found a very cool looking device whilst traipsing around in the depths of Atlantis. Neither of them had had a chance to test it because John had tripped over a box and broken his wrist while they were exploring, meaning that they had come straight to the Infirmary to get it fixed. While Carson was applying the plaster cast, John had gotten bored and whipped the device out of Rodney's hands, thinking 'on' as he did so.
When the alarms finally stopped, the smoke cleared and Atlantis decided that there was no need for a medical lockdown, John had tried to sneak off. Unfortunately for him, Carson was three parts Terrier and the Air Force man was in big trouble.
Strangely enough, Rodney managed to escape the incident free of blame – probably because he had stood on the spot, pointing at John and screaming 'It's all HIS fault!' at the top of his voice.
Rule 47: Stop calling Nurse Bella names.
Nurse Bella and Ronon's unlikely alliance was the talk of Atlantis, with many suspecting that there may be something more to it than her not killing him. When the name calling started, the ex-runner became very angry and scarily protective, forcing Carson to enforce this rule to prevent any more 'little accidents'.
Rule 48: The Field Medic course is not an 'optional extra'.
SGA-14 thought they could skip the course to go surfing on the mainland. They had forgotten that Carson had spies everywhere, and were now in the middle of extra first aid courses to teach them a lesson.
The real icing on the proverbial cake was that all the sessions were scheduled for their recreational times.
Rule 49: Rubber gloves are not novelty water balloons.
John and Rodney really should have known better. And they should have been more careful when aiming their water filled rubber gloves. They quickly discovered that a soaking wet Carson could be just as terrifying when angry as the dry version – although he seemed to use more heated Gaelic curses when he was soaked through.
Rule 50: Do not steal Dr Beckett's laptop.
Radek was now officially a dead man. Not only had he 'borrowed without asking', but he'd somehow managed to accidentally wipe Carson's illegal copy of Pacman. The engineer decided that for the foreseeable future, it would be safer to avoid getting sick or injured.
Failing that, he'd already bribed Dr Petrovich to patch him up.
Rule 51: The Wraith retrovirus is not a toy.
SGA-13 had decided to steal a couple of canisters of the retrovirus and taken out a hive ship. While they were successful, Carson was furious and Elizabeth was on the warpath. After all, they now had thirty brand new humans to feed and look after.
SGA-1, meanwhile, were secretly impressed and a little bit jealous that they hadn't come up with the plan first. Still, they called dibs on the new Wraith ship they'd gotten their hands on – and were already planning their first space race with the Daedalus.
Rule 52: Stop hiding the restraints.
The Science Department were starting to really scare Beckett now. When he found the missing equipment hidden in three packing crates in the middle of the labs, he simply stared incredulously at those present and promptly took them back to the Infirmary.
No one dared to ask why the scientists had wanted the restraints in the first place, but John's curiosity got the better of him and he confronted Rodney one evening. After various threats of bodily harm, the Canadian explained that it was part of a payback operation his teams were mounting on the Marines. John wasn't amused but agreed that if they were going to have a fight, he'd side with the geeks.
After all, they were the ones who controlled the hot water.
Rule 53: Paper cuts do not get infected.
Rodney had been rushed into the Infirmary screaming and writhing in agony by a panic-stricken and semi-hysterical John. As Carson began his examination, he discovered that the physicist had simply cut his finger on a sheet of paper. Although in fairness the cut was a particularly nasty one, it was not 'infected' or 'gangrenous' as the boys had insisted. After assuring Rodney that he wasn't about to lose his finger (and snapping John out of headless chicken mode), Carson gave him a band aid and sent them packing.
Rule 54: LSDs are not allowed in the Infirmary.
A. That's cheating, people.
SGA-11 had tried this one afternoon after being cooped up in the ward for too long. Although it was impressively successful for a break-out, Carson and his minions soon found out, resulting in the ban. Now everyone else was wondering how to conceal the small gizmos during their Infirmary stays.
Rule 55: No more wheelchair races.
A. Not unless you ask Dr Beckett if he'd like to participate.
The things that the expedition did to amuse themselves were getting out of hand. Carson wouldn't have minded so much if he'd been invited to join in.
Rule 56: The portable defibrillators are not to be used as 'motivational tools'.
John had been at fault for this. After he'd lost his patience with Rodney during a particularly stressful mission, he'd threatened the scientist with a shock from the life-saving equipment. Rodney had screamed like a girl and fainted, whacking his head on the seats in Jumper One. He was now stuck in the Infirmary with the mother of all concussions, and John was in big trouble.
Rule 57: All Scottish jokes are banned.
After SGA-8 had spent an entire week mocking Carson's accent and making terrible jokes about his nationality, the Scotsman had flipped out. The command staff made sure to enforce this rule whenever any of the newbies got it into their heads that taking the piss out of Beckett was an acceptable past-time.
After all, they still hadn't managed to clean up all the blood from his rampage against SGA-8.
Rule 58: SGA-1 are forbidden from helping the other SGA teams to stage breakouts.
The gang were busted once again, this time in cahoots with Major Lorne's team. Although the idea had been inspired – SGA-3 had decided to disguise themselves in drag, pretending to be nurses – it was a brave man (or a total bampot) that thought he could pull one over on the ever-observant Scotsman. Now all of them were trying hard to keep a low profile – and stay out of range of Carson's radar.
Rule 59: All animals are banned.
A. Except for George and Fred.
The Medics had a mascot – a very big, possibly carnivorous mascot. Fred (as he had been lovingly named) was a wolf the size of a Great Dane that had taken a liking to Carson whilst the doctor was on one of his rare Gate trips. Needless to say, the animal refused to be separated from his new best friend and had followed Beckett back to the city.
Elizabeth banged her head against the desk in her office and added this rule to the list – mainly so that people wouldn't get ideas about bringing any more pets home with them.
They still weren't sure what Fred actually ate.
Rule 60: Do not refer to bed 5F as 'Sheppard's Lucky Cot'.
A. You're giving him ideas.
John had pouted non-stop when this rule went up. He was quite taken with having a bed named after him.
Rule 61: Stop putting bets on SGA-1's injuries.
A. They're getting upset.
B. If you ARE going to set up a secret betting pool, ask Dr Beckett if he wants in.
Radek had been the mastermind behind this scam – and was raking in an absolute fortune. SGA-1 weren't so happy about the arrangement, seeing as how they weren't allowed to bet on each other, while Carson was furious because he hadn't even known about it.
When asked, Beckett would firmly deny that he had placed two crates of medicinal alcohol on the 'Rodney getting electrocuted by a piece of Ancient tech' category. He also turned up for work two weeks later looking incredibly smug as the scientist was rushed into the Infirmary with a burnt hand.
Rule 62: Peanuts are banned.
A. So is Tapioca Pudding.
B. And Green Jello.
C. And Custard.
D. And pea soup.
The expedition members really were children disguised as adults. It had all started when John had come in to visit Rodney bearing gifts to keep him occupied while his hand healed. He'd gotten bored playing chess with his friend and decided to pass time by throwing peanuts at whoever walked past. Things got really interesting when Rodney suggested that different food stuffs could achieve different scores – and that different personnel could have bonus points.
After nailing Carson right between the eyes with a spoonful of pea soup (and gaining a five hundred point bonus), the physician got very angry and posted this ruling. No one ever found out where the boys had gotten the pea soup from though.
Rule 63: No more food fights in the Infirmary.
This rule went hand in hand with the previous one. In retaliation to Carson's perceived 'tyranny' in banning their new favourite game, the boys had started a food fight with Lieutenant Cadman, Sergeant Stackhouse and Dr Carew. The ensuing carnage made feeding time at the zoo look downright civil. Carson wasn't amused at the state of his beloved Infirmary and put everyone responsible on housekeeping.
Rule 64: IV poles are NOT to be used as light sabres.
The Marines really needed to get out more. In their defence, John had started it by twirling a spare stand around and making the noises while he was on KP duty. Things had just progressed from there. Once casualties started appearing, Carson put his foot down.
Rule 65: Tylenol is not candy.
Ronon spent the next week looking very sheepish and avoiding Bella. In his defence, he'd been a bit drunk at the time, and the pills did look a bit like white Smarties...
Rule 66: Contrary to popular belief, Nurse Bella is actually a woman.
Ronon and Bella kissed and made up when the rumour mill started up. Having a six foot Satedan with a sword and unending supply of knives made everyone in the Medical Department very, very nervous. Luckily, there were no fatalities and the next day, Bella found a chocolate cake outside her quarters.
Rule 67: Dr Beckett is not one of the Science Department's lab rats.
A. Go and pick on Colonel Sheppard.
Carson was fed up with being pestered by the Scientists. To back this rule up, he purposely made one of the drones explode near Radek's head. His plan would've been brilliant if it weren't for the fact that the Czech was now shell-shocked and not speaking, while Rodney was on the warpath.
After all, with Radek in La-La land, he didn't have anyone to do his paperwork anymore.
Rule 68: Stop complaining about the Infirmary chairs.
It was a well known fact amongst the expedition that the chairs in the Infirmary were the most uncomfortable in the galaxy. Most of them had the common sense to either bring a pillow to sit on or suffer in silence, but then most of them weren't Rodney McKay.
Rule 69: Do not use band aids as decorations.
Lt Cadman had made a rather fetching necklace and earrings combo using band aids. Although they were very creative and showed the young woman's artistic side, the Medical Department were now running short of supplies. It hadn't helped matters when Major Lorne's team had gotten drunk and kitted out the rec room with band aid streamers.
Rule 70: Paper cuts are not life threatening.
A. They're not fatal injuries either.
B. You're all adults, for God's sake.
Rodney and John were back – only this time, it was John who had the paper cut. Carson banged his head against the nearest wall and left Dr Cole to deal with the troublesome twosome.
Rule 71: Do not replace the saline drips with Dr Zelenka's illegal hooch.
SGA-15 had thought that this would be a great idea for a practical joke. When three members of SGA-9 had nearly died of alcohol poisoning Carson was apoplectic, Elizabeth was ready to decapitate the next person to mention the word 'hooch' and SGA-15 had to spend the next two weeks avoiding Fred like the plague.
Rule 72: Iratus Bugs are not to be mentioned in the presence of either Dr Beckett or Colonel Sheppard.
Rodney had insisted on this rule when he found the men sobbing in a corner. The resulting rant aimed at those responsible was impressive – he managed to call them all morons in twelve different languages before making six grown men cry.
Ronon and Teyla were suitably impressed – the Canadian had broken his personal best.
Rule 73: Do not dress the CPR doll up as a Wraith.
SGA-7 had done this, and Carson had nearly died of fright. Once he was walking and talking (without screaming hysterically), he banned all the off-world teams from going anywhere near the doll unless they were on their field medics refresher course.
Rule 74: Skateboarding anywhere but the north pier is banned.
All of the soldiers and some of the geeks were still sulking over this rule – and John hadn't stopped wailing ever since Beckett confiscated his skateboard. It was only after a very stressed Rodney had literally thrown himself to his knees and begged for it to be returned that Carson relented.
Rule 75: Heavy contact sports are also only to be played on the piers.
A. So is Frisbee.
The Marines were not happy campers. In all fairness to the Medics, however, when twelve people were admitted after a supposedly 'friendly' tag rugby game and another six after the Frisbee championships, Carson decided enough was enough.
He didn't have much more space in the ward for anyone else, and figured that if the games were to be played outside, then falling in the ocean was probably a much less painful place to land than the floor.
He regretted that decision when Lorne nearly drowned.
Rule 76: Do not call Nurse Bella 'the human Pit-bull'.
The rumour mill had struck again, and now everyone was hiding from Ronon. Not even Teyla dared to go near him.
Rule 77: Gurneys are not battering rams.
SGA-5 had been trying to get into a sealed lab in one of the abandoned parts of the city with no luck. Captain Murdoch had suggested using something to bash the door in, so the team had absconded with a gurney. Although it proved to be a very successful battering ram, the rebound on it was a bitch – as the Captain found out the hard way. He'd had a very interesting time trying to explain why his left arm was broken in three places – and how the gurney was now buckled beyond repair.
Rule 78: Leave the medicinal alcohol alone.
A. That includes you, Radek.
Some people never learned their lessons. Radek got caught red-handed sneaking out a crate of medicinal alcohol and had been made to scrub the Infirmary floors for a week.
Rule 79: Iratus Bugs are never EVER to be brought into the City.
A. We're serious people.
B. THOSE THINGS CAN KILL YOU!!!
C. We like Colonel Sheppard capable of walking and talking.
Some bright spark thought it'd be a good idea to bring a live bug back to study. That would have been fine if it wasn't for the fact that said bug was of the Iratus variety and John happened to catch a glimpse of it. When Teyla and Rodney finally managed to persuade him to come out from underneath his bed, the Air Force man wouldn't say a word for nearly a week – and that was only once he'd stopped twitching and whimpering under his breath.
And the Iratus bug? Ronon took care of that and nobody asked any questions.
Bwa-ha-haah! Oh, I love being twisted. It's so much FUN! Remember, let me know if you want to see something in particular.