Chapter 2: Cantabile
"You know, the words 'sad' and 'love story' should never be used in the same sentence."
Usami looked up from his manuscript, raising an eyebrow. The glasses perched on the tip of his nose slid forward slightly when he bent over Misaki who was lying down with his head in his lap. The brunett was smirking at him.
"Are you criticising my latest story?" Usami snorted.
Misaki fiddled with the frayed ends of the woolen blanket draped over him and muttered, "It's just really tragic and pathetic. I don't do both. Like, a love story shouldn't have to break people's hearts. You write these for women for god's sake!"
"I assure you women are made of sterner stuff than you think. I'm pretty sure they can handle this pathetic, tragic story of mine." Usami laughed and lightly swatted Misaki's face with the manuscript. His lover chuckled and Usami felt his heart skip a beat.
"You know what I mean. People read your work because…well, your love stories are real and honest. They want escapism, a fantasy. I'm sure reality is already harsh enough for them already."
Usami reached for the coffee mug on the table and took a thoughtful sip. Misaki rarely even complimented his works because after all, he was a reluctant muse for those…ummm…passionate scenes. He was pretty sure the sales of his latest novel had soared through the roof but that was the last one he had ever published before…
He didn't mind going on hiatus for Misaki. It was the least he could do, staying up till midnight to sort out the hospital bills and call the best chemotherapists the city had to offer. He didn't mind never picking up his pen to write ever again if he had to hold Misaki's hand through endless rounds of hospital visits. He missed it, of course. Not being able to write felt like someone had amputated his limbs.
Maybe this was the last novel he would ever publish. This shabby little manuscript clutched in his hands held a tale of tragedy and romance, joy and deep sorrow. It was written during the long hours waiting in the doctor's office, scrawled on bits of napkins or memopads as he paced the halls, thinking about Misaki. It wasn't much compared to his other epic works. Also, it was darker and full of themes he had never explored before: surrealism, grief and metamorphosis.
"Let me try to publish this at least. Maybe they'll like it." Usami shrugged. But something in him told him that he was lying. He didn't feel like anyone would read his works now and what's even stranger is that he did not even care if they did. Sometimes, he had to ask himself why he wrote in the first place. What was the reason he even put pen to paper, scrawling out illegible characters and bringing a shadowy world to life?
Misaki tugged the manuscript down to eye level and said softly, "Trust me, the way the story ends will not go down well with them."
"What's wrong with it? I thought it was pretty fine. The hero gets to return to the past and then his lover is reincarnated…"
"But then the hero dies at the end so their lover's soul can be reborn in their body. Come on."
Misaki made a face and frowned at Usami. "They've been through so much. At least let them both live."
"Life doesn't work out that way." Why was he being so pessimistic? His lips were set in a grim line as he gazed down at Misaki who stared quietly back. But then he sat up and cupped Usami's face firmly with both hands.
"Promise me you'll let them both live."
The elder man opened his mouth to protest but Misaki pressed a finger against his lips. "For me. Please. Think of this as my last request."
Usami wondered why he cared so much about the two characters in his novel. They weren't even likeable characters. The protagonist was too flawed and the other character was a murderer for heaven's sake! But something in Misaki's eyes made him keep his mouth shut as he solemnly nodded.
"You have my word. I'll give them a happy ending."
Misaki broke into a wide smile and he kissed Usami on the cheek tenderly. "Thank you."
But what about your happy ending, Misaki?
Usami put the novel away and gathered him into his arms, suddenly feeling all those uncontrollable emotions wash over him all over again. He buried his face in the hollow of Misaki's neck, feeling so helpless and weak. He hated himself for caring too much. He was supposed to be strong but right now, he couldn't bear it. The tears came faster than he could stop them and Misaki just stroked his hair gently as the choked words spilled from Usami's lips.
"You know I love you so much. Forever. I'm yours forever."
"I know, Usagi-san. I know."
Suddenly, Misaki whispered, "Can you sing me a lullaby?"
Usagi looked down at him, puzzled. Those emerald green eyes had never looked more serious. "My back hurts again."
His hand slid down to touch Misaki's spine gently and Misaki winced softly. "It's been like this since yesterday. Where they put the needles in."
Misaki gave a small sigh and he turned over, burying his face in Usagi's lap, muffling his words. "I'm so tired, Usagi-san. I just want to sleep for a long, long time."
There was a lump in the older man's throat as he recalled how sometimes he wondered if that was how he would lose Misaki. If he would just go to sleep one night next to him and he'd wake up to a stone cold body the next day with not even a chance to say goodbye.
But Misaki seemed to sense he was hesitating and he put on his best puppy dog look, widening his eyes and biting his lower lip. "Please?"
Usami chuckled and slowly took off his glasses, placing them next to his manuscript on the table. There they were surrounded by pieces of an imaginary world and yet Usami wanted more than anything to stay in this real world even if he had such little time left with the person he loved. "I'm not such a good singer though. And you ought to know that my father wasn't the type of man to sing lullabies to his son before bed."
"Well, what about your mother?"
Silence. And then Misaki felt a large warm hand stroking his hair tenderly, tucking strands behind his ears and fluttering over his eyelids. "Does the pain of missing someone ever go away?" came the cryptic question in place of an answer. Typical Usami. Always hiding his feelings and true meanings behind cleverly-worded metaphors or questions.
"I will always miss my parents, Usagi-san… but I think it's not about making the pain go away. It's learning to live with it. It's realising that it doesn't have to define you."
"You say some pretty deep stuff when you're ill."
"It must be all those chemicals in my treatment making me a genius. I bet I can pass my Heian era literature exam if they gave it to me right now."
Usami laughed but he thought about Misaki's request for a lullaby and how Misaki told him that the pain of missing would never go away. Did he ever realise that perhaps the heaviness of missing someone always lies on the shoulders of the ones left behind? Just like the way a lullaby is sung, the person left behind singing will have to watch the other person sleep without them. And there might be no telling If they'd ever wake up.
Still, an old tune came into Usami's head, as elusive as a spring breeze from a mountain. He vaguely remembered it being strangely more cheerful and upbeat (with a vague 80s retro feel) but when he opened his mouth, a bittersweet, slow tune came out, strangely roughened by his deep voice.
Tooku ni ite mo kimi ni todoku darou
Kono boku ga kokoro kome okuru messeeji
Kibou koso rashinban sa Ai wo yubisasu yo
Nemure Sotto nemure Asu wa yume tairiku
Kodoku ni obiete ita yuube no kimi
Boku no na wo yonde 'ta ne Mune ni terepashii
Kiseki nanka ja nai Towa ni ai wa enajii da kara
Nemure Sotto nemure Kanashimi wo wasurete
Jidai wa umi ni shizumu yuuhi no you sa
Hoshizora wo tobikoete kimi wo mukae ni yuku
Hoshizora wo tobikoete kimi wo mukae ni yuku
Misaki listened to it in silence the whole way until Usami finished. Usami grinned, feeling rather proud of himself to remember some remnant of his childhood that at least seemed like a comforting lullaby. To his surprise, Misaki gave a chuckle. "Usagi-san, was that song…from Kamen Rider?"
Usami seemed horrified. "It was?" he wished that he could have said it was some tune his butler Tanaka sang him to sleep with but truthfully, the song seemed like a random tune from a television show that got stuck in his childish brain when he was younger. He looked down at his lover and Misaki was wearing a mischeivous grin on his face.
"And you said you didn't watch a lot of action shows since you just wrote all the time."
"Hush. I tried my best."
Misaki gave a sleepy laugh and rolled over. "You have a nice voice."
The older man flushed and looked away. It wasn't like him to get embarassed by Misaki (it was more often the other way around). Still, the sound of his lover's slow, even breathing comforted his heart.
Huh, perhaps he could sing lullabies after all.
The house was quiet and cozy as Misaki finally sank into his deep sleep, forgetting the pain for a moment.
Usami took up his pen and silently scratched out the unhappy ending on his manuscript. He didn't want anymore people facing the pain of missing someone long gone, not even his characters.
...
Cantabile means in a singing style or manner
Like singing a forgotten song from your childhood
Like humming out of tune for someone you love to make them laugh
Like a melody from a romance show playing at low volume on your first date
Because with them, your heart is filled with music/ because they are the music in your heart.
Ps: here's the translation of that song. Hoshi no rarabai (star's lullaby. I didn't expect it to fit so well for this story on the first try, I swear.)
Perhaps I can reach you, even though you're far away
I send you this message with all my heart
Hope is certainly a compass that points to love
Sleep, sleep gently, for tomorrow is a continent of dreams
Last night you were scared of loneliness
The telepathy in your heart called my name
It's not even a miracle that in the future our hearts will be energy
Sleep, sleep gently, forget your sorrow
The years sink into the sea like the setting sun
I'll jump across the starry sky to collect you
I'll jump across the starry sky to collect you