how he met my mother (and the rest of the stockhart family, actually!)

part 1 of 2

I kept asking my self, mentally, why wasn't he as nervous as I was — but the answer never came. While we stood there inside the elevator of my parents building on the upper east side, I felt my hands all sweaty, which was unusual. Last time I had that feeling I was sixteen at a high school party where I meant to lose my virginity to Thomas Bradley — which I didn't, because I threw up in his private parts (yes). This time, if the worse thing that could happen at the dinner was someone vomiting, I would be forever grateful.

The door opened and there we were at the Stockhart's beautiful apartment — two floors of remarkable taste. My brother was the first person we saw. He had a big smile on his face and a bit of cocaine in his nose — that he cleaned when I gave him "the look".

— I'm Hugh. You must be the lucky guy! — Shook hands with Jesse, firmly. — Well not that lucky if you're gonna meet her parents, huh?

— Stop scaring him, would you? Where's mum? — He pointed out with his head to the kitchen after a thight hug. I gave Jesse a kiss on the cheek, told him to wait a second with Hugh, then on my away I crossed our old maid we had her since I was 8 and asked her to give a drink to Jesse just because I knew we wouldn't make it sober through the night.

I found the family reunion quite... acquainted. My mother was drinking vodka from the bottle and my father had a glass of whisky in one hand, a cigar in the other.

— My dear! — Evelyn started, leaving the bottle, and coming to my direction with opened arms. — Did the LC come?

— LC?

— Lower class. — They both laughed and I rolled eyes, not really amused.

— His name is Jesse... And yes, he came. Dad, could you not smoke that chimney?

— Oh, does it matter how we call him? I don't think he cares.

— Wouldn't you mind if called you spoiled aristrocrat? — She seemed confused, probably because she actually was those things. Not even a little upset, she continue talking ignoring my saying.

— But, lets talk about the good things around here... I have a surprise for you!

— I hate surprises, really.

— So you hate me, then? — Oh. My. Gosh. I would recognize that voice any place on Earth, speacilly in hell (where I felt I was). I turned back and saw him. Lorenzo Bastazini, my fiance, those huge green eyes staring at me like I was naked. Well, ex-fiance. I finished everything with him last summer for many reasons but summarizing: he really liked to bang other girls. Not to mention the drugs — which was quite common in wealthy families.

— To be honest, you're not my favorite person in the world. — I answered while my dad, someone I think actually liked to lick Lorenzo's balls — since I didn't — walked up to him and patted his back with this enormous smile on his face. Of course my parents loved the guy. He came from a affluent italian family, loved my fathers cigars and my mothers new tits. Plus had extra points with my brother because he could provide quality drugs (whatever that means).

Only Sophia and I had two things in common about Lorenzo: we were both ha sex with him. We both hated it — his penis was like a can of soda. And both thought he was disgusting.

He kissed my cheek a lot more close to my mouth that I would rather, stroking my back like we were intimate.

— Who invated you?

— I did! — Evelyn said with proud.

— Not that we don't like your presence, Lorenzo, but I thought this dinner was for you guys get to know Jesse better...

— Is this your new boyfriend? — Those were the words that came out from his mouth, yet all I could hear was: I'm much better than him with my three-piece Armani suit and white gold watch.

— Oh, please, this is just a fase she's going through... — My mum started but gladly the maid enter the kitchen with a plate full of drinks and I didn't even bother asking what was it, just took one and made my way to Jesse and Hugh, who were still talking. Since he had a smile on his face I like to believe he was having some kind of fun. Laced my arms in his and he toasted our glasses. Lorenzo came right behind me and joined the conversation as soon as possible.

— You must be the guy this dinner is all about, huh?

— Huuuh, yeah... I... think?

— Lorenzo Bastazini. Cecília's fiance.

— Ex-fiance. — I corrected him fast as I could, but he continued with that evil smile on his stupid face.

— How did you meet?

— Well, we kinda... bumped on a plane, you know? She was, like...

— I didn't know you travel in economic class, Ceci.

— I don't. We met at first class.

— So you're rich? — He seemed suprised having a sip of his drink.

— Yeah man, I mean, I... wait... what? Why do you wanna know?

— To begin with, you're dating a Stockhart... Let's just say it's not the same thing as dating, well... the kind of woman you used to date. I'm sure they didn't look nothing like Cecília. Am I wrong? Please tell me if I am.

I knew what he was doing, that bastard, trying to make Jesse feel like he didn't belong here with us. I actually wanted this — wanted that he didn't feel like "home". I wanted to be sure he didn't belong there because that was the kind of man I wanted: one who was nothing — at all — like my family. I think I saw Jesse moving his lips to answer but Jolene — the maid — appeared from nowhere, probably summoned by God to bring peace among us, with more drinks. We all accepted. Mum and Dad finally left the kitchen and suddenly all family was together — expect Sophia (always late).

There was an awkward silence for a moment. The smoke from my dads cigar made me cough.

— What about grandchildren?

— We can talk about that later, right? We're just gonna... just gonna see if Jolene needs help in the kitchen, ok? Hm, Jesse, would you come with me? — Rhetorical question, of course, I didn't want a answer and didn't give him time to say anything. Just took him by the arm and pulled him while we passed through the people directly to the kitchen. I closed the door behind me and took a second to breathe. If we survived the dinner, we were too damn lucky.

— Grandchildren? Really?

— Please, let's just... not talk about this? — I was blushing so much I think that's why he was laughing. Not that I didn't want any babies, but we never had the "baby talk" and... wasn't it too soon? Nevertheless, Jesse was really good with kids.

— I don't think this Enzo liked me.

— He probably didn't. — Said Jolene with a really strong accent not from America. I gave her a disapproval look for the comment.

— It's Lorenzo, Jesse. And since when do you care if someone likes you or not?

— I don't, actually. I mean, not at all. Especially that kind of someone. Fucking psycho... — I had to laugh leaving my glass on the counter and going next to the oven where Jolene mixed some spices to the food that smelled great.

— Mister Bastazini "don't" like mister Hombre-Rosa because he wanted to be under the vestido de la señorita Stockhart. — I didn't even pay attention since my spanish wasn't very good — I was better with german and french. — Don't let this personas get insine your mind, hombre-rosa.

— Jo, what are you talking about? — I put a finger inside one of the pots on the stove and she slapped my hand going back to stare Jesse while looking at him with a mother look. Scary.

— This one right here... — She pointed at me with a spoon — ...she is different from this family of freaks. And muy hermosa, no te parece? — They were both staring at me while I had one finger in my mouth, tasting her food.

— What? — I asked.

— Usted necesita aprender a cocinar, marmota, para poder casarse! Fuera de mi cocina! — She said while pushing me towards Jesse. I did try to get a little more of her spicy — though delicious — food on my finger, but instead of licking it I put it on the tip of his nose. I smiled before biting his lower lip and then kissing it very softly.

— You don't know how to cook? Seriously?

I didn't. And I must say this was something I only wanted him to know when we were at the altar saying "yes", so thank you, Jolene, for screwing that up. The kitchen door opened before I could say something and Sophia came in texting something on her cellular.

— So when are we going to e- — She stopped right on the second she looked at us. I blushed thinking the motive was because saw us too close, almost kissing — which didn't make much sense since she was a perverted nymphomaniac 24/7.

— Gosh, Sophie, we were not even kissing! No need to get embarrassed... — Took Jesse by the hand bringing him close to her and did the introdution very politely.

— Sophia, this is my boyfriend... Jesse Pinkman. Jesse, this is my sister, Sophia Stockhart.

— You're Jesse? Her Jesse? — She asked him and I was kind of confused.

— You're her... sister?

— Do you guys know eachother?

They both looked at me and said in unison:

— No.

[...] to be continued / part 1 of 2