Chapter Two – Days Two-Four
Well, she's persuasive, I'll give her that. She convinced the doctor to let her go home. He finally relented because he knew that we would be there keeping an eye on her. We'd be there to comfort her. What he didn't know was that Linka never had any intentions of letting us help her.
I don't know what to do. I want to help Linka, but she's pushing me away. I know this has to be tough for her…losing Boris and going through withdrawal, I just wish she'd let me help. I know I can. She's determined to do this on her own though. She insisted on leaving the detox camp that they had set up in DC on the condition that we would be there to get her though this…but as soon as we got back to Hope Island, she's even more of a zombie off the Bliss than she was on it.
The only time she comes out of her room is to eat, and even then, we have to force her to join us. Then she just picks at her food. She's lost a lot of weight too. She says it's because she's nauseous. That's the withdrawal. She won't come outside because she says it's too cold…another symptom of the withdrawal. Is crying a symptom? Not officially, but it happens…usually though, it's the person going through the withdrawal that cries…I'm talking about me. I just sit in my room and cry. I feel so helpless, like I used to when I was a kid and my dad was wailing on my Ma and me.
I wish she'd stop being so selfish…no, that's harsh. She doesn't know that she's not the only one suffering. I'm going through this with her…we all are. It just hurts me more, for reasons I don't wanna talk about…but at the same time, I do. The problem is, the only person I feel comfortable enough to talk to about it with is Linka…and she's currently refusing visitors. I don't wanna force her to let me help her. She's feeling helpless. We need to let her feel like she's in control, not that we are controlling her. Although I'm sure she's noticed that all medications have been removed from the medicine cabinets. On one hand, I didn't want to do that because I knew she would take the implications the wrong way, that we didn't trust her. But on the other hand, I know it needed to be done. All temptations needed to be removed…even the minor things like allergy pills and headache/muscle ache medication. I know that sometimes that stuff can make me feel pretty spacey…and while most of us don't like feeling like we're not in control of our motor functions, to an addict, that's a good feeling…so they'll take more…just for the little 'buzz' that they get. But eventually, it won't be enough, so they take more…and too much of anything, even an over the counter drug, isn't good. Do I sound like a pamphlet? I should…I have them all memorized.
Bliss is…was controlling her. In a way, it probably will for the rest of her life. She'll never truly be free of it. She'll always crave it…crave the feeling it gave her. From what I understand, the kids that were on it were pretty damn happy…they didn't look it, they looked miserable, but it took away their pain, whatever was bothering them, it made them forget…or not care. And now Linka is in a bad place. She's hurting over Boris' death, she's embarrassed about how she acted when she was on Bliss, and angry at herself for allowing herself to get hooked. Bliss would make her feel better. She's gotta be thinking about that.
She also blames herself for Boris' death. She needs something to take her mind off things…something to replace her need for Bliss. Why can't that be me? Why won't she let me in? She needs a friend. She needs all of her friends, but I KNOW I can get her through this…if she'd just listen to me. I can't stand seeing her this way.
I've made up my mind! I'm going to make her talk to me. I need to know what she's thinking…what's going on in her head. But I guess it's kinda late and hopefully she's sleeping, so this will have to wait until tomorrow. Besides, I'm hungry and I can't sleep on an empty stomach so I head for the kitchen to make myself a midnight snack.
I get to the kitchen and see that the light is on. Someone else also had the munchies apparently. Good. I could use some company. Then I see who it is and I freeze in the doorway. It's Linka. She's sitting on the floor in front of the oven, hugging her legs to her body, the oven door slightly ajar. I assume she's cooking something and watching it so she doesn't need to set the timer and risk waking anyone. So this is when she comes out? When she thinks the rest of us are asleep.
Well, I guess if that's what works for her, if that's when she feels comfortable enough to come out and eat, then that's better than nothing. At least now I know that she's eating. I wonder what she's making? I wasn't planning on cooking anything, just grabbing a bowl of cereal or some crackers. But as long as she's cooking, I hope she's making enough for two! I don't wanna scare her away though. I have to laugh…it's kinda like sneaking up on an animal in the wild. You wanna watch it, admire it, see how close you can get to it before it notices you…but you don't want to scare it because you know it'll run away and then you won't be able to watch it at all.
So I stand there in the shadows and watch her. She's wearing one of my old basketball hoodies. It's from my high school, back when I played on the junior varsity team. It's blue with white writing, my name and number on the back, the school's logo and "Lion's Pride" written on the front. I'd forgotten that I'd loaned it to her months ago, when the weather had been unseasonably cold on Hope Island. Part of me is happy to see her wearing it. No, I take that back, ALL of me is happy to see her wearing it. Maybe it doesn't mean anything to her…maybe she put it on without a second thought, but for me, I'm holding onto the hope that maybe she's finding comfort in it. That a part if me is with her, even if she won't let me be close to her physically.
Did she just sob? Oh my God, has she been crying this whole time? I thought her head was buried in her arms because she was tired. God I'm so stupid! She reaches up and turns one of the knobs, increasing the temperature. And then she does the unthinkable…she opens the door all the way, and moves to sit closer in front of it. Is she suicidal?!
"LINKA! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" I can't help yelling.
To Be Continued...
And don't forget, to get the full affect of the story, you HAVE TO read Linka's side of the story in Chapter 2 of LouiseX's Co-dependence! Let us know what you think!