HELP ME

Maybe I wished too much. Maybe I wished too hard. Because right now…right now… He's pointing a gun to my head. I couldn't see his face still but I know it's him. I have memorized those lips.

I try to say something, to speak and tell him to spare me some mercy. I want to convince him that I do not want my wish anymore, that if they detest me that much they should just let me go and forget about me and that I promise I will never go back. But when I open my mouth, no words will come out. And I curse mentally at my own cowardice.

My heart is beating abnormally. My breathing comes out in a ragged, desperate, whimpering sound. I'm already on my knees, my hands tied around my back. I should just sink some more and start begging. I should lower my head and not look at him. I should. I should I should I should.

But I cannot stop staring at him. I cannot help but wish again that I could see his entire face. Everything is so so so bright except for his face. It's hidden under a huge light; the only darkness among this bright place.

His jaw works, hardens, and it's unfair that I find him so beautiful. So dangerous and beautiful in his hard-pressed pink lips and black suit. Everything about him is black. I want to drown in his darkness.

I want to see his face so bad. Don't I deserve this simple knowledge of seeing the face of my saviour and my defiler?

"What are you waiting for?"

A girl shouts. He turns away from me and looks at her. But the gun is still pointed at my head. I wonder if it's loaded. Perhaps it's not. Perhaps this is all a ruse.

"Shoot her! Shoot her now!" Another one urged. A male voice this time.

And this time, I turn away and look down. I can feel the cold barrel gun shaking against my forehead. I can feel his hesitation because if he really would have wanted to shoot me, he would have done so seconds ago, and these people wouldn't have to force him.

Of course. I have the answer to the question now. I don't deserve to know anything. I don't deserve anything. I have to die. There's nowhere I could go without ending up dead. I have no one. I'm alone. This certainty of death is the only thing that's keeping me alive.

I look back up at him only to realize that he had returned his attention to me. It's a shame I still couldn't see his face but there's no use in regretting about that now because whether or not I'm able to, he's still going to kill me. I'm still going to be dead, and I can't change that one simple fact.

So I stare at him, take in everything I can from this person who I barely know but I find so strangely amazing all the same. And then I close my eyes, surrendering myself wholly to his will.

He readies his gun. He presses it hardly onto my forehead and I hear myself whimper silently. I curse to myself. Pull yourself together. Don't be scared. This isn't going to hurt.

He locks his gun. I hear him take a sharp breath. And then he fires.

I wake up.

With a jolt.

That I had actually sat right up from where I lay.

I check myself. My hands, my legs, my whole body—my God, they're shaking.

I'm shaking so hard that I feel like I'm going to start an earthquake. No, I tell myself. Stop. Compose yourself. Take deep breaths, hold them in, let them out, then do it again.

I repeat the words in my head over and over again as I try and relax and find my inner core, my center. It's located somewhere in my body, and I will know if I'm able to hold it together when I start feeling warm. I can't get too cold. I can't. And at the rate that I am into, I'm having a mild attack.

My chest is beating wildly I feel like it's going to burst. But it won't. It never does. I have to get this together. I have to stop me before something happens. Because I cannot afford to lose my centre, my focus. I can't. I have to be focused or else…or else…

I forced my eyes shut and grit my teeth, ignoring the image that was forming inside my head. Shit. Of all the moments. I shouldn't be thinking about this right now. I need to calm down.

And then I feel the bed shake and I open my eyes.

Oh God. Oh God Oh God Oh God.

No. No No No.

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

There's a loud boom. I heard it. It's far away but it's there. It's already starting. I cover my ears and close my eyes back, trying and trying not to lose it, trying to control of what's left. The earth is quivering. I hear the clouds gathering outside. It's close now. It's above me and they are bombing thunders inside my ears. There's a storm outside, inside, and I need it to stop. I need someone to stop it before it's too late.

Oh God I don't want it to be too late. I want to go back to sleep and continue that dream. Why can't I just die? Why is it so hard to kill me?

My bed shakes hard. The room shakes hard. Everything around me shakes, falls, breaks, and if I can't hold it together I'm going to break too. I can't afford that. I can't break. I can't lose it.

Please.

Please make it stop.

Please.

Please.

Please.

Someone. Anyone.

Save me.