So here's Ch.2. I was sick when I finished it so I apologize for any typos etc. :)
Realizations
"How do you know?" I say to him with my voice full of trepidation.
"I just do. Have some faith."Peeta says winking at me as he dresses himself.
"Surprisingly, that doesn't make me feel any better." I respond under my breath and begin gnawing on my fingernails. I have no idea how he always stays so calm when there's a possible catastrophe on the horizon.
Peeta shakes his head and kneels next to the bed where I'm sitting wrapped in my towel from the shower we just took. He grabs my chin, forcing me to look into his eyes.
" Everything is planned out, we've been over it a hundred times. Plutarch and his vultures won't be here until day after tomorrow. Everyone we love will be here to day. Plutarch knows if he comes early with the cameras his "exclusive" rights to our toasting will be null &void. He'll never know we did the real toasting early and will do the fake meaningless toasting for the cameras once Plutarch arrives. The plan's fool proof so stop worrying."
"It just doesn't make sense to me. He never has been respectful of privacy before why now."
"I made it worth his while. You know what a glory hog Plutarch is. He wanted to be the only one to cover the toasting .Why is that so hard to believe?"
"I don't know it just…" I look over at Peeta and I can see he isn't telling me something. "Peeta? What else did you promise him?" His guilty expression has me even more nervous than before .Oh God ! What did he say we'd do? I envision cameras in my house, the bakery, even following me into the woods interrupting my peace.
"Alright, I might have promised him hmhmhmhm." The last part of his sentence comes out as a soft mumble.
"What ? Peeta what the hell did you promise him?" I rise from the bed in a panic practically knocking him over.
"I promised he could have exclusive rights to … the first photos of our baby… when we have one that is." He squeezes his eyes shut bracing himself for my reaction.
"You WHAT!?" I yell in shock.
"Katniss calm down. You've made it very clear you don't want kids. I promised him photos of a fictional child we're never having. What's the big deal?"
I stomp around the room grabbing the nearest shirt and pants I can reach. Once I throw my clothes on I storm down the stairs and head out the door.
"You're overreacting." He yells to me as I stomp off toward the woods with my bow in hand.
Once in the woods I easily take down four rabbits and trap a covey of quail. I'm still fuming with anger and decide to retreat to the solitude of the meadow. As I gather wild blackberries and mint I begin to relax and ask myself what it is I'm actually angry about. He should have told me I think to myself .That must be why I'm so angry. I hate it when people keep things from always has brilliant plans that he never feels the need to let me in But deep down I know that's not the reason.
I soon lay down under the shade of a nearby willow tree to rest and I'm reminded of the dream I had this morning. We were so happy , our little family. There was laughter and love. Why wouldn't I want that? What's wrong with me? I lye there for a while asking myself question upon question that all lead to a terrifying realization. I do want a family. I would love to watch Peeta raise children and have someone we created that is a piece of him & I together. I would think that this new found feeling would fill me with warmth like the light in my dream , however instead I feel a tightness in my chest. I sit up and find myself gasping for air.I can't breathe or stop my heart from racing. No! I can't have kids. What if the government decides to use them in some way , like they have Peeta & I? Not to mention the terrors of everyday life, accidents, starvation, matter what my heart wants this panic I'm feeling reminds me the world is full of cruelty, greed, and horrors that I could never subject those carefree children to, that I saw in my dream.I leave the woods today even more resolved to never bring children into this world.
As I enter the house I can here Peeta counting in a sweet voice that's unlike his usual tone.
"8…9…10 ready or not here I come. Hmmmm I have no idea where Finn could he behind this pillow?" I walk in to see two stubby legs peeking out from behind a curtain and I hear little Finn's uncontrollable laughter .Apparently the three year old hasn't quite mastered the hiding part of hide and go seek. Peeta keeps up the charade looking everywhere but the obvious spot where Finn is hiding. " Oh well .I give up I just think I'll open the curtains so I can see better… A ha !"
Finn screams and takes off running but Peeta scoops him up and starts tickling him saying " I found you! I win!". They both look so happy and I can't help but wonder what he'd be like with a son or daughter of his own. I take in a deep sigh as I watch them . This makes my presence know to the wild pair of boys.
"Hey when did you come in?" Peeta asks a little out of breath.
"Just a few seconds ago…" This is the first time I've ever met Finnick and Annie's son in person. Peeta lived with Annie for the months when we were apart, and apparently bonded well with little Finn. His eyes and golden hair are identical to Finnick's . "Hi Finn.I'm Katniss , it's nice to finally meet you." I say kneeling so I can get down level. The toddler walks up to Peeta , tugs on his pant leg, and whispers something to him.
"You have good taste." Peeta says while rustling Finn's golden hair " Why don't you go in the back yard and tell your mommy that Katniss is here." With that Little Finn runs off leaving Peeta and I alone.
"What did he say?" I ask as Peeta approaches me wrapping his arms around my waist.
"He said you were pretty. He 's already a ladies man just like his dad." We both give a sad laugh remembering our friend. I rest my head on Peeta's chest listening to his heat beat."Hey, are we okay? Do you still hate me?"he asks.
"I could never hate you.I love you too much. " I mumble into his shirt." I'm sorry I overreacted."
"Look at me. Are you crying?" he says raising my face from his chest.
I wasn't even aware but as I raise my head I see Peeta's shirt is speckled with water marks. Watching him with Finn just made me realize all the more that he was meant to be a father.I feel guilt and sadness because I know I'm not strong enough to give him what he deserves or brave enough to put aside my fears and embrace what I know would probably make me happy.
"Katniss, talk to me what's wrong?"he looks concerned and I know I can't tell him what's really wrong, for the same reason I couldn't tell him about my dream.I can't admit to him that I fantasized about having a family with him .I can't say that out loud.
" I'm fine.I just have a lot of emotions running around my head right now... the toasting , missing Finnick…I'll be fine really, I already feel better." My words are soon interrupted by the slight shove of Peeta being pushed into me and a loud…
"You're it!" as Finn yells and pushes on Peeta's legs.
"Ooh you better run because I'm gonna get you." Finn takes off screaming. Peeta kisses my lips and says " I love you but I'm it.I have a job to do." Then he smiles and chases after Finn.
He is a natural with kids and I love seeing him like this. Burying these feelings I'm having is going to be a lot harder to avoid than I thought.
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