Act 2
(The scene begins at the lovely Vatican, where VAN HELSING enters through the front door, kneels, and begins to pray. He is interrupted, however, by CARDINAL JINETTE.)
CARDINAL JINETTE: Do you have him?
VAN HELSING: Who?
CARDINAL JINETTE: Mr. Hyde, you noob! Where is he?
VAN HELSING: Dead.
CARDINAL JINETTE: You are hopeless, Van Helsing, completely hopeless. Oh, Carl said he wanted to see you. You two leave for Transylvania tomorrow to kill Dracula.
VAN HELSING: Gee, thanks for the warning. What does that silly friar want now?
CARDINAL JINETTE: How the heck should I know? He's in the lab.
VAN HELSING: Of course he is. Isn't he always?
(Without waiting for an answer, VAN HELSING exits the room via a stairway. He comes out at the bottom in a chaotic lab in the basement of the Vatican. A lone friar, CARL, is working at a lab table mixing various chemicals. VAN HELSING approaches him from behind and taps him on the shoulder, causing the friar to jump about a foot in the air.)
CARL: Good grief, Van Helsing! What was that for?!
VAN HELSING: Carl, did the Cardinal tell you you're coming with me to Transylvania?
CARL: Like hell I am! I'm not a field man, Van Helsing!
VAN HELSING: Carl, you're a monk, you shouldn't curse at all!
CARL: Actually, I'm just a friar, so I can curse all I want…dammit!
(VAN HELSING rolls his eyes as CARL starts methodically filling a bag with weapons to use against vampires.)
CARL: (to himself) garlic…silver stakes…
(VAN HELSING picks up a grenade-sized sphere that CARL placed on the table.)
VAN HELSING: Carl, what is this for?
CARL: I don't know, really.
VAN HELSING: What do you mean, you don't know? You invented it, didn't you?
CARL: Just because I invented it doesn't mean I know what it's for!
VAN HELSING: All right, no need to get touchy.
(Later, at the briefing…)
CARDINAL JINETTE: You're number one priority is to kill Dracula. You're number two priority is to protect Princess Anna, got it?
VAN HELSING: Got it.
CARL: Got it. But I'm still not a field man!
VAN HELSING: Carl, shut up and let's go. You know the most about vampires, so you'll have to come along.
(VAN HELSING leaves the room. CARL follows, grumbling loudly)
End act 2