I forgot a few things in the explanation that I should make clear to better understand the story 1) Natalia never dated Frank so no Fancy, though I love writing her 2) this is a lot LOT darker than what I've written before but I'm not a fan of angst so don't get too scared 3) I have a feeling its going to get kinda long and finally 4) I don't know jack about premmies so with that being said enjoy.
Whenever she'd imagined a modern psych ward she knew it didn't look anything like One Who Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest but she had no idea it would be like a high rise Paris or London Hilton suite. If Ava could scrounge up the interest she might be halfway impressed but as it was she barely took notice. She had been in therapy for the past couple of days and still didn't have a clue as to whether her doctor was a male or female. It wasn't really therapy she supposed if she just sat there barely listening to whomever it was saying things that bore more of a resemblance to the teacher on the Charlie Brown cartoons than to therapeutic engagement. With a bit more energy she might have been concerned that she'd spent the last week in a room that she still couldn't locate without assistance and it was only the absence of stomach pains that she understood she'd been eating regularly. The fog of Max's cries and her mothers disapproval were so thick that Ava could barely register anything at all other than shame and fear.
Sitting at her desk going over figures and forms Olivia tried her best to tease out more a few more hours from the day. Emma, Max, Ava and the Beacon were all demanding her attention and it could be easily argued that any one of the four required constant monitoring but at the moment it seemed impossible to be of any use to anything or anyone. Emma was being an absolute angle understanding that her mommy was stretched thin but Olivia knew she shouldn't depend on that consideration for long. At any moment the antics of a put upon nine year old were liable to surface. Jeffrey and Olivia were taking turns holding vigil over Max, and Olivia would probably die before she'd admit this to a soul but, even Reva was a Godsend taking an occasional hour here or there. Although it was still hard to face the other woman knowing she'd been instrumental in sending Ava hundreds of miles away from her family. There were moments that it took every ounce of her formidable self control not to throttle the loud mouth on sight and if Ava stayed away much longer she just might but for now Reva Shane was safe. The Beacon wasn't a major concern because Natalia was a better assistant at the moment than she was owner and it amazed her how much she trusted the younger woman. Natalia made it possible that Olivia could actually devote her complete attention to the one person that desperately needed it but every time her mind turned towards Ava she found herself working on another report or calling up the nurses station for another update. Thinking of Ava? No. "Natalia did you see the rest of the report that Adam was supposed to fax over? Somehow a page got lost and he was supposed to send it over just as soon as he" Olivia trailed off as she listened to the ringing phone before it was gently taken from her ear. "What the hell?"
"He sent them over an hour ago and I've already gotten them off to legal" Natalia said softly smiling. "You should"
"Thanks I guess then I can go talk to Greg about that meeting with"
"Olivia everything's taken care of. The meeting was rescheduled and the"
"What? Why the hell was the meeting rescheduled. Do you know how long it took me to get them to"
"Yes I know because I was right there beside you when you were talking to them for the past month but unfortunately you aren't superwoman. Right now your family needs you more than" She didn't need to hear this and she didn't need to see Natalia looking at her with pious humility. The last thing she needed was to look into those liquid brown eyes and see pity there. Looking into those pools of sienna Olivia felt herself starting to give and all the walls she'd spent a lifetime reinforcing threatening to crumble. Oh no. How was it possible that her mind was constantly picturing burrowing into Natalia's arms and wailing there from life's aches. But she was Olivia Spencer and she sure as hell couldn't give up or give in just because everything was going tits up. Her entire life had been one gigantic fuck up and there was absolutely too much riding on her holding it in and pulling it all together. "No."
"Excuse me?" Olivia asked looking back up towards the Latina since she'd turned away when tears were threatening to fall.
"Don't do that. Don't shut me out. Olivia if you could just let me in and let me help you I could"
"Let you in so you can help me? Help me destroy my fucking business! I Needed that Meeting. The Beacon Needed that exposure but just because you can't separate your feelings from business doesn't mean I can't. This is my fucking life and you don't get to make unilateral decisions that affect"
"No this is a business Olivia. Your life was just tucked into bed by Jane again. Your life is crying for his grandmother at Cedars. Your life is in a hospital room in Chicago fighting to get better. The Beacon is a business not your life and if you don't know that then you have more problems than I thought" and with that Natalia was out the door without a backward glance. A slamming door signaled the start of the tears that had been building since this nightmare began.
No one could ever accuse Olivia of being an overindulgent mother. Not because she didn't want to lay a hard won world at her daughters' feet because she did. Every moment she thought of a slight or discomfort she'd faced as a child all she wanted to do was ensure her children never faced such an ache but she knew first hand what became of those children. Alan was perfect warning label. However there wasn't a night since Ava's hospitalization that she hadn't held Emma at night promising that this was the little girl's last in mommy's bed. Looking at Emma Olivia could almost imagine how Ava might have looked at the same age tired from a long day of play. Olivia sat beside the bed stroking hair that looked so much like another's and begged "She doesn't deserve this. I can take the hit if you're looking for someone to punish but leave her alone. You can't take him from her. Please don't"
A sound almost as familiar as her daughters' cries of laughter or pain woke her and she reached out in blind instinct still too asleep to even worry what such a late call might mean. "Spencer" she growled turning as far away as Emma's hold would allow. Silence greeted her and she almost disconnected the phone but then recognized that sigh. "Natalia? Is something wrong?"
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I shouldn't have called. I just. I'm sorry I didn't think that you would be asleep yet. I'm"
"Natalia. Just tell me what the hell ever it was you need to say so I can get back to sleep Jesus"
"I'm. You were right I shouldn't have canceled your meeting without talking to you and I should have never said all those things. I have no idea what your going through and I shouldn't have" No one spoke to her like Natalia did and no one stood up to her like Natalia did. There were thousands of corpses strewn all the way from San Cristobal and back of people who made that mistake. Hell not only did she not destroy the woman but she was on her fucking payroll. "There had to be a reason why" Olivia kept repeating to herself each time she let Natalia stroll over her every boundary and navigate her every minefield. "There has to be a reason why"
"It's okay, Natalia, I'll see you in the morning" It was too much. Everything about it was too much and right now it was all she could do to put one foot in front of the other and trying to figure out this thing with Natalia was just too much.
"But mommy when can Max come home with us?" Emma ask again as they watched the boy being fed by a nurse. She must have some sort of quota Olivia thought as her eyes rolled because an hour long visit just wasn't complete until Emma begged at least four times and the nine year old was only on number two, lucky me. The first time she brought Emma to see him she was wondered what the girl might think about her nephew's skin. Not that Emma would have a problem with it but it certainly wasn't what anyone was expecting. In fact it amazed her that no one said anything at all about it. People said he was beautiful and everyone made comments about his wild head of hair but on his hue everyone was mum. After learning of his birth Olivia had been more concerned about keeping Remy or Bill from snatching the boy to be too concerned about what color his skin was. Then he was too sick and every moment was possibly his last so she concentrated on memorizing everything. Taking in absolutely everything just in case because Ava deserved to know. Someday she would be well and would want to know and Olivia owed her at least that. As the days passed and he grew stronger she was amazed at how beautiful he was. Amazed that she could see Ava and even parts of herself in his exotic dusky form.
"He'll be coming home with us as soon as he gets better baby" Olivia smiled waving at his incubator trying to catch his eye. "That's right you will be coming home with us little man so you need to get better" In the two weeks since his birth he'd gained two pounds and was only attached to one machine when he'd started with three. He was still in the incubator but in a few days she and Jeffery would finally be able to hold him. It didn't seem right to hold and touch him before Ava but she refused to deny the need. Not only his for her but her own for him which was completely unexpected. She knew she loved him. He was her family of course she loved him but the depth and the expanse of it amazed her still. He was of her but not from her but still so connected. "Forever" she whispered on a held breath in vow to him and their family always.
"If I knew having a baby was all it took to mellow you out I would have suggested one a long time ago" Natalia said as she handed out coffee, hot chocolate and muffins. Last night her assistant was insubordinate and completely disregarded her job description of doing whatever was needed to get the Beacon's bottom line accomplished. But here Natalia was helping her with the one thing that really mattered. Time and time again the woman had proved to be not only a conscience but also a guardian angel. If there was time or if she had the energy Olivia might try and figure it all out but right now? Right now she instinctively knew that what they had was too fragile and nebulous to ponder. For once she wasn't going to rush into things with the consequences be damned because it was too important. It was too much.
"As long as I'm not the one doing the midnight feedings and the diaper changing I'm cool" Olivia said with a hint of a laugh as he twisted his head as if to follow her hands.
"Mommy he know you. He knows you're his grandma"
Bumping her hip against Olivia's "Yes grandmother Spencer. Has a nice ring to it" Natalia said with a laugh. She threw them both a scowl but truthfully Olivia would submit to being called granny if it would guarantee his life and health. Moving one then the other hand in different directions she realized that he was actually following her and knew she was there. But he couldn't know that she was his. Umm he couldn't she thought to herself but every time she moved so did his head. Jeffery saw him first be Max always reacted when she was near. Maybe? "It's not maybe, he knows" Natalia said as Olivia looked at her with confusion. "He knows you. He knows that you're going to take care of him until his mommy comes back. He knows that Olivia. He was meant to be with you"
Ava knew that Olivia and Jeffery stayed in touch because her sitters or jailers annotated it in their daily logs but even her parents were just more of the same. More pills, more questions, and more needs that she didn't think she would ever be able to fulfill. She hadn't been enough for either of them so why should she matter now. Abandoned by both her mothers and cast away like trash by her father so of course she couldn't be what anyone else needed. How could she be? They were better off without her. Max was better off without her. Pushing down the brown crying face each time it floated up in her mind she even tried to disconnect his name from her vocabulary when his burnt eyes would not dim and go away. "I'm no good for you. You're better off without me" were the words she picked to lull his crying. But each night it was his face that she saw and his eyes that she left watching and waiting even when Crystal's, Olivia's and Jeffery's eyes had long gone black. He called to her in her dreams and she felt herself rising to meet him despite her best intentions.