Break a Broken Heart

by populette

It's been five years and they're both two very different people. But a chance meeting leads them down a road neither of them intended to go down. Sequel to Can't Take This Back.

2. Beautiful

Chapter 2: Beautiful

-x-

Beauty over wisdom to fit in with their style
Your Cinderella story's for a price
Vanity's a business built to fleece the unique
Silicon and stars collide, the rest will fall in line

-x-

I guess when you wake up feeling like your head is a step away from splitting open, expecting to remember the night before is expecting too much. All I want is to take two vicodins and forget that anything ever happened. But I'm sadly disappointed when I reach into my side drawer and find that Sora has replaced my Vicodins with a bottle of Aspirin. Joy.

"Finally awake sleeping bitchy?" Sora saunters into the room, drawing the curtains to let the sun in.

I groan, "So-ra! The sun" I stuff my face into my pillow.

Sora shakes her head, "Mi-mi it's practically noon!" I can tell she's appalled, sleeping till noon in New York City should be a crime, according to Sora.

Slowly I open my eyes, "Where are they?" I ask her tiredly.

"Where are what?" She asks innocently, but she totally knows what I want.

I narrow my eyes at her, "Sor, c'mon" I hold the Aspirin bottle in my hand expectantly.

She rolls her eyes, "Mimi you don't need that crap" She sits on my bed, "I mean don't you see that?" She has a lot more faith in me then I do, clearly.

I'm extremely hung-over so can you really blame me if I'm not in the mood for a life lesson, "Okay Sora, next time I'll take Aspirin, but seriously right now just get me my Vicodin" I paid good money for it.

She stared at me, "Fine" She sighed, "It's in the bathroom cupboard, behind the band-aids"

I give her a grateful smile, "Last time, promise" I kiss her cheek and get out of my bed.

I honestly don't know why Sora puts up with me, I mean God knows she doesn't have and God knows I've given her every reason to leave. But for some reason she doesn't. She really seems to care about me when I don't even care about myself. She loves me like a sister and I have no idea why. I'm not lovable. I think I've proven that.

"You photo shoot's in two hours" She peeks her head into the room.

My mouth falls open, "What?!" I yank her back, "I thought it was tomorrow or something!"

Sora seems slightly annoyed by inattentiveness, "Yes, go take a shower you still smell like alcohol" She scrunches her nose in emphasis.

I ignore this, "How long was I out for?" I demand.

She runs a hand through her fiery hair, "I dunno, you were out cold when I got home" She sighs.

"I guess twenty four hours" She adds.

I'm a pathetic excuse for a human being, my habits are beginning to disgust even me yet I can't bring myself to stop. After all, this is life I've chosen for myself is it now? So why shouldn't I live it? "Tai brought me home?" I breathe out, the brunette who'd been staying with us for the past week is no where to be seen this morning.

Sora closed her eyes, "He did me a big favor" She answers. So I'm a favor now? Like some petulant four year old in need of a babysitter?

I narrow my eyes at her unfairly, I'm crabbier then usual this morning, "Well thanks so much for doing that Sor, I can't believe you would go so far out of you way" I say coldly, shutting the bathroom door in her face.

I hate myself yet as I undress I can't seem to look away from my reflection. Beautiful, even to my own eyes, yet it wasn't enough. It never was enough was it? Clearly, when no one in the world seems to love me.

I did as she asked me and got into the shower, turning the water to a warmer temperature then I deserved, letting it wash over me. My entire world crumbled the day I walked out of that apartment, vowing to leave him for ever. It hurt like hell and for so long it felt like I was doing all I could just to hold myself together. Nearly falling apart more times then I could count, losing myself in ways I couldn't have imagined. Yet a part of me feels as if it's worse now.

At least then I could remember what he felt like if I wanted to, how his arms would wrap around me in comfort. The way he smelled, that scent that was just his that lingered on every thing I owned. His lips against mine. His touch. How he felt. Now it was as if no memory I had was strong enough, I couldn't seem to remember the things that once made up my dreams or nightmares, depending on how you looked at it.

Then, just as I began to force myself to think of something else, his voice floated into the bathroom. Surrounding me with the most beautiful melody I'd ever heard, his voice had always been music to my ears. Now matter how cheesy it might sound. The second the thought registers, however, I feel the inevitable pain in my chest that only memories of him seem to bring about.

Just as beautiful as you are
It's so pitiful what you are
You should have seen this coming all along

The words struck a cord immediately, I wanted to yell at Sora for playing his music when she knew how badly it still hurt me. The way my insides would cringe at just the sound of his name, the way what was left of my heart would ache when I'd see his face. But I couldn't, in my misery I managed to be masochistic, listening even as I died a little.

Visually you're stimulating to my eyes
Your Cinderella syndrome's full of lies
Your insecurities are concealed by your pride
Pretty soon your ego will kill what's left insideIt's so pitiful what you are

Just as beautiful as you are
It's so pitiful what you are
You should have seen this coming all along

How foolish of me would it be to assume that this song was meant for me? As completely sadistic it is, his voice, his words piercing through me like a knife. The song held so contempt, so much anger yet the thought of him thinking about me at all, in any way, sent a small wave of joy (almost) coursing through my body. So in a way, I guess I'm as sadistic as his music.

You're everything that's so typical
Maybe you're alone for a reason, you're the reason

It's so pitiful what you are,
You should have seen this coming all—

Evidently, Sora chose this moment to change radio stations. I couldn't help but feel a mixture of sadness and relief flow through me. Sadness, because this was the closest I'd gotten to him in five long years and I didn't seem ready to lets go. Relief because the song was shattering what's left of me and it's taking all I have not to fall apart.

The second I'm out of the shower I feel myself getting better. The Vicodins seem to be working, my mood lifting out of the hole it had climbed in the second I heard his voice. I can feel the drugs pulsing through my veins and I welcomed them like an old friend. It's a nice feeling, no matter how detrimental it may be.

Sora stared at me, her eyes seemed apologetic. Why she should have anything to apologize for seems absurd, "What?" I ask, my tone seems a little harsh.

She stares at me, "I'm sorry, I uh left it on I didn't realize that it was—" She breaks off abruptly, his name's taboo around here. Even with my obsession of magazine clippings, we still never said it out loud.

I hold up a hand, "It's okay" I answer her, trying to fake a smile.

It didn't work, my mouth didn't want to work itself out of the frown, "Well, the car'll be here soon" She says hastily.

"What's this for again?"

"Ralph Lauren for men, it's nothing big—really you're just a prop" She ensures me. Usually I'd throw a fit because I like to be the center of attention, male models were usually my props yet today I didn't. I don't feel like working, the less I have to do the better I feel.

The smile twitches at the corners of my mouth naturally now, "Thank God" I sigh.

Sora laughs her carefree laugh and I immediately realize we're past all the ugliness that took place earlier, "So I'll just get ready" I say.

-x-

Hair and makeup is always my favorite part of any photo shoot. The way Javi delicately styles my hair inch by inch, creating the work of art he'd envisioned in his mind. The way Laura carefully powders my nose, glosses my lips, blushes my cheeks, brushes my lashes and lines my eyes. I always end up staring at myself afterwards (I always stare at myself, I have a severe case of narcissism it seems) touching my flawless face in admiration before I get ushered into wardrobe.

Which brings me to my second favorite thing about my job—the clothes, shoes, jewelry and sometimes bags. Oh it's like crack to an addict, honest. But there was none of that today, in front of me my stylist places a black bikini. Simple and completely run of the mill. What is going on? We aren't any where near the beach and in any case it's just too cold out.

I suppose my stylist (Jenny) caught my confused expression, "It's in a shower Mimi, you knew that, right?" She couldn't have caught me more off guard. I never really did bother to find out the details, figuring the didn't matter so much since I don't have to be doing all the work.

"I don't know, can you give me a brief run through Jen?" I ask.

She nods, "Well you'll see the set, it's basically a glass wall that's supposed to be the shower door and they're just going to turn on the fire sprinklers to make it…" She trails off, I get the gist. It's the same lazy set up every time.

I sigh loudly before shrugging out of the pajamas I'd come here wearing. I stopped dressing for work a long time ago, they always put me in something different any way so why discomfort myself?

They'd edit the bikini out later I suppose, to make it seem more sensual. Wonder who the breakthrough model is today, lately they've been putting young, inexperienced, fresh faced Abercrombie looking kids as my opposites. This one's probably in for the break of his life, hope he kissed his mom goodbye. Coz after this, his life's gonna change completely and totally.

I examine myself, my hair's in wet curls, to add to the effect I suppose. My make up is light and waterproof, a precaution. And I am as always, flawless. On the outside anyway, inside I'm marred, scarred, bruised, broken and battered in every way possible. But that doesn't count does it? Not here, not now. And no one would ever know.

I pull on my favorite silk robe, not bothering to fasten it and walk on to the set searching for the lead role. Amidst the chaos, I couldn't tell if he'd arrived or not. I'm not too curious though, it doesn't really matter to me. If he's extremely good looking (and over age) maybe I'd fuck him. But it never went deeper then that, I don't think I would ever let it. There isn't anything left.

"Hey Tony" I smile at my favorite director.

He seems happy to see me, "You're early" he says appreciatively.

It's a shock, I tend to pull the model-diva card a lot, showing up late, having an attitude and being difficult. But I've earned it "You're surprised" I shoot back.

He grins, "Go stand there and look sexy" He points at the sliding glass door.

I roll my hazel eyes, "I'm always sexy Tony, you know" I always get the last word.

I do as I'm told lifting my foot just slightly to step into the make shift bath tub, I really wondered how this is going to work. I mean how is this a fragrance commercial when we're in a freaking bathtub? I just can't wrap my mind around it, but if there's one thing I've learned, its this: people will buy anything as long as it looks sexy.

I stand here examining my nails silently starting to fume over the fact that this newcomer seems to think that he can get away with coming to work late. I never had the luxury to show up late until I'd been on a Victoria's Secret runway twice so where does he come off making me wait?

I could here Tony's voice behind me though and he's talking to someone. So I guess the ass finally decided to show up, I have half a mind to just leave and have him to the commercial himself.

"Okay, Mimi once Matt gets there—

I didn't hear anything else, I feel my body become rigid, my heart stops for a brief second. It couldn't be the same, its such a common name, so many Matts in this industry I could hardly keep count. On top of that, he doesn't model. No, I'm just crazy, it's just the after effects of hearing the mother fucker's song on the damn radio.

But then I feel his arm around my waist, "Hey, baby girl" My breath hitches, my throat closes, my body freezes.

Oh God "This isn't happening" I can't keep the desperation out of my voice, "This can't happen" I whisper as he gently turns me to face him. I push myself away from him though/

My chest's about to cave in, my breathing's shallow, I can't look at him so clench my eyes shut. "What the fuck is wrong here?!" I hear Tony's voice boom.

I try to catch my breath, my eyes still squeezed so tightly it hurts "Tell me this isn't happening, please?" I can hear myself begging now and I just want to kick my own ass. When the hell did I become so weak?!

He touches my elbow, "It isn't happening?" He offers weakly.

I shake my head, forcing my eyes open, "Did you know about this?" I seethe, my anger taking the place of my shock.

He shakes his head, "No" He answers me.

I hear Tony telling me to get my act together and I realize he's right. I need to be professional.

"Okay" I breathe out calmly, keeping my gaze on the floor.

He puts an arm around my waist again, pulling me to his body. I constantly feel the need to remind myself that this is all business and absolutely no pleasure. He's doing because he has to, not because he wants to.

I press myself against him, it feels so nostalgic I have to force myself not to run away. He's almost naked too, in just a pair of boxers (Ralph Lauren I'm sure) and I realize how close our barely clothes bodies are to each other. Had it been any other person in the world I'd be done with the shoot by now. Faking intimacy came naturally now, yet I haven't even had the courage to look at him yet.

"Finally, we're getting somewhere!" Keep your thoughts, eyes and ears on Tony. Ignore the fact that he smells amazing, that his body is better then it had been five years ago and your so close to him you can feel his heart beat. Ignore the proximity of his mouth to yours and the proximity of his…

"Just put your lips close to his chin and for god sakes act like you want him Mimi!" He yells through cupped hands, "He's an international rock star, look at him like you wanna jump him!" If only he knew that that's exactly what I wanted to do. Shameful and completely embarrassing but I want him so bad right now I'm trying not to rip off out clothes.

I take a steadying breath, "You don't have to, I can tell him that I don't wanna do this" He murmurs.

It would be so easy, wouldn't it? To just walk away, but for some reason I shake my head from side to side, "Let's get this over with" I mutter, parting my lips and finally looking up at him.

The second my eyes meet his my heart rate shoots up. I'm sure he can feel how it's hammering out of my chest yet he holds my gaze. His stare is so intense everything else seems to fade into the background. The world could be ending right now and I wouldn't be able to look away. I move closer, my hand carefully sliding up from his abdomen to rest on his chest.

"Give me a little more Meems, we're almost there!" It's irritating how I have to be told what to do in every aspect of my life.

I'll never admit this to anyone but right now all I want is for him to wrap his arms around me and take me away from it all. To save me from everything that I don't want.

I swallow the lump in my throat and place my lips against his neck, what kind of a cruel fate is this. For all the wrong I've done, this is the worst punishment God could've inflicted on me. The pain that was surging through my body was enough to rip me apart had he not been holding me together. But I know, the second his arm unwraps itself I'll break into a million pieces again. I just don't know how I'm going to put myself together this time, when more then half the pieces are going to be missing.

"I'm sorry" Could he know how much this is killing me? Did he feel an ounce of what I'm feeling right now? A one thousandth of the ache in my heart. His words sound sincere enough but there's no way he has any idea how badly I actually need him.

I stare up at him one last time, because I heard Tony say "last time" in that voice that could meant that he's contemplating on getting a new model. This time I put all the emotion into my gaze, not because I'm afraid I'll be replaced but because I feel like owe it to him.

My arm slinks its way around his neck, my fingers reaching up to touch his soft blonde hair. His free hand seems to find its way behind my head I see his gaze flicker to my lips for just a second. In one swift motion I feel his lips against mine and in this moment I feel better then I have in years. But as soon as it came, it's over. His arms aren't around me anymore and I'm left standing cold and alone. I snap out of my daze to see him walking away.

They never did turn on those sprinklers.

-x-

I held myself just long enough to get into my dressing room. I make sure to lock the door before collapsing against it. I feel my back sliding down as I fall to my knees. I hear myself sobbing but I can't do a thing about it. The pain searing through my body is all I can think about, it's the kind of pain that would kill you if it were physical. The kind of pain that drives even the sanest people crazy.

I wrap an arm around my torso and try feebly to collect myself but it's as if I'm barely holding myself together. Because he isn't here to do it for me. Seeing him has been more excruciating than I ever could have imagined. Even in my worst nightmares where I would see myself stepping through that door over and over again, I never realized how much it would hurt if I ever felt him again.

And I'd never admit this to anyone either but I never "got over" him. Though I hardly think it's a big secret from anyone who ever knew me.

But no one seems to know me anymore, I don't even know myself. I don't know anything really. The only thing I do know is that I've never felt so whole in my life then I did when I was in his arms today. For just a minute, everything we'd been through had been cast aside, and everything I was running from seemed to disappear. He was with me in that moment and I could finally feel again.

Then he left and I don't think I've ever felt more broken.

Just as beautiful as you are
So pitiful what you are
Should have seen this coming all along

It's so pitiful what you are
As beautiful as you are
Should have seen this coming all along

-x-

A/N: Jesus, I am depressed just writing this. I'm sorry it's sad but I just want to convey how screwed up she is because of what she is. Fame completely ruined her and above everything else, she still needs him. I just wanted to show how much she's still in love with him and how much she wants him to love her back.

Okay- So I want you guys to know that I have a new story coming out that I have co-written with one of my two best friends Christina (MimixIshidax) and I am completely devoted to it. I will try to update all my stories as often as I can but I'm completely committed to THIRTY ONE DAYS (the name of the story me and Chris are co-publishing) so make sure you read it once it's posted (which will be verry soon!)

Song: Beautiful by Ten Years, I was listening to it and I was so inspired. Song's amazing and the video is awesome. Listen to it! And I'll have you know that Christina (MimixIshida) had no hand in helping me find this one! :P

Kay, reviews please!

-Liya