Ok, my parents sent me to a shrink, and she's having me keep a journal thingy… this is the beginning…
-1-
Tuesday;
I figured I'd start with "dear journal," or simply "book," – mainly because I think it sounds better than "dear diary."
I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to write, but I guess I'm supposed to start in the beginning, ne, as goes with any story, yeah?
Getting Away With Murder. And I own my own deranged brain. Please, try to enjoy.
-x-
Friend I tell you, here in these pages, ye shall gain knowledge of the things I fear; some are understandably, but as for the others, ye may look at me queer.
-x-
My last visit to the beach had been…traumatizing. I had been to pools before, though had never went inside the deeper end of the waters. At the pool, there had at least been safety guards to ensure my safety from the other children's. Despite how morbid I am and appear I do not hold fancy over any thoughts of drowning. If anything, I assumed drowning to be the most tragic way to die. Burning alive seemed like a warm shower compared to the feeling one got when their lungs are about to wear out. The feeling of suffocation, the pain of immeasurable pressure, the sensation of your body being crushed to the point of combusting, from the inside out–– everything was painful.
At least, when one is impaled they hold the control of releasing their suffering. They could scream, they could cry. But under water, no such pleasantry consists. It's as if a blue, agonizing room is closing in on you. Each wall is covered with spikes meant to run you through, and the ceiling rains acidic fluids.
Yes, drowning was indeed painful, and despite the large abundance of sand at the beach, the experience of it is far too foreboding to be optimistic.
Right before we hit the water, I stopped shortly. Natalya looked back curiously, and I slowly shook my head twice. Perhaps she could see the panic in my eyes. The desperation to run away. The muscles on my face hadn't moved an inch, but she must have noticed, because she came closer to me and put a hand on my shoulder.
"What's wrong, Petra?"
I stared into her deep blue eyes stoically, and forced myself to speak the words. Somehow, I didn't mind so much that Natalya would know my greatest fear. Somehow, I didn't mind so much at all.
Swallowing the lump in my throat, one that hadn't manifested there in years, I said the two words that I had never before voiced aloud to anyone, let alone to myself.
I braced myself, and said the words.
"I'm…scared…"
Natalya didn't laugh. She didn't grab my hand and throw me in the water in cruelly. Her eyes didn't glitter mischievously, and she didn't smirk venomously.
Instead, she took my hand and squeezed, and I could almost feel her reassurance.
"I swear, I won't let anything happen to you, Petra…"
My eyes flashed distrustfully, and I knew it. Even if Natalya wouldn't hurt me, that didn't promise that I would not get hurt at all. That didn't mean that someone else wouldn't. That the waves wouldn't rise in anger, and sweep me away. That the creatures and plants lurking down below wouldn't capture my feet and drag me down. That the sea wouldn't drown me. That I wouldn't die a painful, cold and desolate death.
I didn't even notice that I was trembling until Natalya's body pressed tightly into mine. My head shot up, and I stiffened. When she moved away, she turned to me and looked at me with a smile that made my chest hurt.
What was I doing? Allowing someone else to see me so weak. To see me so low. I was Petra Costa; stoic, impassive, dangerous, cruel. I didn't talk, unless I wanted to. I didn't react, unless it was in my best interests. I didn't smile, and I didn't laugh. I didn't hold on to others, nor did I need anyone's support. I did what I wanted, when I wanted, and I did it alone.
I was all this, and yet… when Natalya held out her hand, with that dazzling smile of her that seemed to melt the glaciers in my chest, and walked slowly towards the ocean that I feared so much, I couldn't help but place my hands into hers.
Because I trust her.
As stupid, and idiotic, and dangerous as that may be….
I trusted her.
And so I knew I was in trouble.
-x-