Chapter 2: Making Scars
Raven stared up at the ceiling. It had been two hours since she had gone to bed, and she couldn't get to sleep.
"She...I was too hard on her. I should apologize in the morning."
Just as her eyes close, they shot right back open when the sound of soggy footsteps passed her door. She cautiously cracked her door open.
"Starfire?"
The source of the noise was Starfire, miserable looking and drenched to the bone.
"Where have you been? You're soaked."
"Out." Starfire muttered.
"The guys were really worried."
Starfire looked over her shoulder, staring at her fellow Titan with glassy emerald eyes.
"But you were not, correct?"
Starfire walked away before Raven could respond. Raven returned to her room for what was an uneasy night's sleep. In the morning, she forcefully ripped herself away from the comfort and security of her bed and shambled out to the kitchen table for breakfast. It probably wasn't a good idea seeing as Beast Boy was doing the cooking.
"Ahhh!" said Beast Boy, "Another gloomy Gus?"
Starfire didn't look like she had a good night either. She eyes were sunken and her hair, which was normally kept zealously well brushed, looked like it had only been brushed enough to pass as presentable to the public.
"Well, I know who'll turn those frowns upside downs. Mr. Toface!"
Beast Boy whipped out a couple of plates of tofu bacon and fried tofu eggs that were arranged into smiley faces.
"That is very creative." Starfire said with a weak but polite smile.
"Toface." Raven quipped, "Yeah, that sounds appetizing."
"Maybe it would be more to your liking if it was a grumpy face." Starface said under her breath.
"Beast Boy..." said Robin, "Are there really such things as tofu bacon and eggs? I mean...how do you make bacon and eggs out of bean curds?"
"He's got a point, BB." said Cyborg, "The bacon actually tastes like bacon."
Sensing that something was amiss, Beast Boy checked the bacon package.
"Made with...one hundred percent pork?!"
Beast Boy frantically scanned over the discarded egg carton.
"These eggs are eggs?! Oh no! The shells were a dead give away! How'd could I have miss that?! And the milk!"
Beast Boy snatched the milk carton from Robin's hand.
"No! It's real milk! From a real cow and everything!"
"What's wrong with that?" said Robin.
"I...don't really know. But everything else was an animal! Just like me, at one point or another! Dude, I am never shopping at that health food place again!"
After poking poor Mr. Toface in the eye a bit, Raven excused herself.
"Ah, c'mon!" said Cyborg, "You barely touched Toface. You want him to be sad that you didn't eat him?"
Starfire made another quiet little criticism.
"When has she ever cared about anyone's feelings?"
Her breakfast exploded in her face.
It was noon and there were still no signs of evil super beings plotting to take over or destroy anything, so Raven found herself with some free time. She really didn't find herself with much free time, inbetween meditation, and fighting crime, and whatnot. She really should have meditated, but on a whim, she decided to pick up where she left off in her diary. She was only digging up long buried issues, she knew that. Yet like a car wreck, she couldn't turn away.
"August 4th. I thought about going home, but changed my mind. I hate it there. Besides, I just met this cool high school guy named Vince. He works for his dad at the nearby garage and comes here sometimes to look for spare parts. He said if he came across any parts for this old van I'm camped out in, he can fix it up and give it to me. That's pretty nice of him. I can't remember anyone doing anything for me before without wanting to use me for something."
"August 16th. Went back home on the fifth, and no one had noticed I was gone. Missing a pair of underwear, though. That perv Bill probably took them. I've been pretty busy lately, which is why I haven't written as much. I've been hanging out a lot with Vince. He's turned me on to these books on Eastern mysticism. They're pretty interesting, and I think what I've learned has some link to my powers. I practiced some of what I learned when I was alone, and I was able to focus my energy. It's not easy, but it's better than letting it loose. I wonder if my powers would scare him."
"August 26th. School started today. Like usual, I heard people whisper behind my back. I don't really care anymore, though. I've got Vince now. Some boy pushed me to the ground, but Vince came along and scared him off. He acted all cool and stuff, like everything was in control. When I saw him like that, I felt this weird feeling. I felt a little lightheaded, but I kind of liked it. It felt like everything was alright."
Raven broke from her daze and looked at the clock.
"It's after two already? Huh..."
She stepped out to get herself a late lunch. On the way to the kitchen, she heard a thud come from the bathroom.
Starfire wondered if this was that "cold" thing she had heard so much about. Maybe not, she thought. Colds didn't involve vomiting, which she had done twice since 5 a.m. today. And now, leaned over the toilet, she felt she would soon make it three times. She gagged and heaved, but only saliva came out.
Physically drained, she stayed there for a few minutes. It gave her time to think.
"Raven...why are you always such a rude, cold, inconsiderate...meanie? Love is such a beautiful thing...and...and you do not care, do you? You willingly discard my love for you as if it were so valueless. If you truly do not desire love, then so be it. You will receive no more...no more anything from me! You are no longer my friend, Raven."
Her legs felt shaky as she tried to stand up. She tried to fly, as bad an idea as it was in her condition, and ended up collapsing on the floor, slamming her head on the door as she fell. As she pulled herself up, the door swung open.
"Starfire?"
If Starfire had been fully alert, she might have picked up on the concern in Raven's voice. Not that she would have cared at the time.
"You look terrible."
"Please reframe...from..."
Starfire stumbled back against a wall.
"Star!"
Raven tried to steady her, but Starfire shook of her hands.
"I do not...require your...assistance."
"You were out in the rain all night. You'll be lucky if you don't have pneumonia."
Before Starfire could protest, she found her body engulfed in black light.
"You're getting my assistance whether you want it or not."
They went off to Starfire's bedroom, Starfire struggling weakly all the way. When they reached their destination, Raven gently placed the sick girl on her bed.
"I'll get Cyborg," said Raven, "Wait here."
Minutes later, Cyborg had determined what was wrong with Starfire.
"A COLD?!" Beast Boy said in disbelief, "Dude, look at her!"
"She's not from Earth, BB. This is all new to her system. Didn't you ever see War of the Worlds?"
Robin suddenly looked grim.
"No..." Beast Boy said cautiously, taking notice of the Boy Wonder's darkened mood.
"Look, y'all, she's gonna be alright. Her immune system hasn't failed her yet, so I think she's been able to adapt to Earth's environment enough to fight this. She just needs to stay in bed, and we need to keep an eye on her."
And as if by the cruel sense of humor of a higher power, the alert beacons in their communicators beeped.
"Not now!" said Robin, "I'll stay-"
"I'll stay." Raven spoke up.
"But-"
"There's no time this. Just go."
Robin grudgingly agreed and they boys took off, leaving the girls to themselves.
"Hey, Star?"
Starfire turned on her side, away from Raven, and curled up.
"There was something I wanted to tell you."
"Something mean and cynical, no doubt."
"Enough of this!"
Even in her sickly, apathetic state, Starfire paid keen attention to Raven. As bitter and cold as she was, she had rarely- if ever- rose her voice.
"How did you want me to respond? Giggle like a cheerful airhead and skip with you through a goddamn field of wild flowers?!"
A small tremor passed through the tower. Raven took a moment to calm herself down.
"Starfire, you know me well enough. Just drop it, okay? Robin practically worships the ground you walk on. Go after him."
Starfire looked over her shoulder.
"I want you." she muttered.
"Fine." Raven said bitterly, "You want me so bad, you can finger me right here, right now. Sure, the tower will blow up, but you'll get what you want."
Starfire turned back and curled up tighter.
"Why do you say such hateful things?"
It barely came out as a whisper, but Raven still heard it.
"Because I don't know anything else!"
She hadn't meant to say that. She lost control again. It had slipped by her defenses somehow. Yet again.
She yanked her hood over her head and retreated to her room.
There were a number of reasons Starfire felt miserable. She was sick as a dog, she was too weak to retrieve her plush Altarian grub (which, for a stuffed alien worm, was pretty darned cute), and she just fought with someone who- despite her current mood- she cared about deeply.
She remembered back when to the Puppet King incident, when she and Raven had switched bodies. While she seemed a bit evasive about some parts, Raven had bared her soul to her. She thought that it brought them closer. True, Raven aliened her a slightly less than the others, but...
But she had let her closer. Not too close, but they did become closer. Maybe Raven did want to be closer. Maybe she wanted to be just like the others. But she didn't know anything else. She didn't know how to express anything positive. All she knew how to do is to defend herself indiscriminately. Starfire couldn't imagine a life so starved of love and affection. But that was Raven's life, wasn't it? Even now. She deprived herself of these vital elements, and now so was Starfire.
There was nothing she could do at the moment. She felt too weak to get up and seek her out. Her throat was too sore to scream out. She was helpless to do anything. For the first time in her life, Starfire's emotions just welled up inside, unable to escape. But maybe this wasn't a bad thing. This is what Raven did. She kept everything inside. If she was to truly understand Raven, then she had to do what she did.
She braced herself against the wall as she sluggishly stumbled to the bathroom, mustering all her strength to make the trip. She had once accidentally walked in on Raven. She had cut herself shaving her legs and she was staring at her wound, letting the blood run down her leg. It was something odd Starfire had noticed about her. She was always slow to tend to any wound of hers that drew blood. She would stare at it with such an intense focus. It was long thought that she might be a hemophobe or that healing herself took a great deal more concentration than healing others, but when Starfire had walked in on her, she told her to forget what she saw.
Starfire crashed down on the toilet and blindly reached around in the medicine cabinet until she found Raven's razors. After some fumbling, she managed to get a blade out. The sight of the clean, stainless steel edge was unnerving. She felt a small ping of sympathy for everyone that had to use such a dangerous looking instrument for personal grooming.
She was unsure what to do next. She really didn't want to hurt herself, but maybe if she just made a small scratch...
She slipped off one of her armlets and carefully pressed the razor against her skin. It would only be a small scratch. Just enough to draw a little blood, just enough to understand Raven. She slowly ran the blade down, trying to control her shaky hand.
"Starfire?!"
Raven's startled scream made her slip up. She ended up cutting far deeper than she intended to.
Raven slapped the blade from Starfire's hand.
"What's wrong with you?!" she yelled.
She grabbed Starfire's arm and concentrated on healing. It didn't work at first, but the large gash slowly closed up.
"What do you think you were doing?" Raven snapped.
Starfire didn't say anything. She simply collapsed into Raven's arms and cried.
"Honeys!" Beast Boy screamed down the hallways, "We're home!"
"Raven?"
When Robin walked into Starfire's room, he found Raven sitting next to Starfire's prone form. She didn't notice him come in.
"I'll take over."
She numbly shook her head.
"Raven, I-"
"This is all because of me." she said blankly, "If I hadn't just brushed her off, none of this would have happened."
Robin sat on the edge of the bed.
"What happened has happened, and it couldn't have happened any other way. I wanted to say something better, but...it's true. You're here for her now, though, even if it isn't easy for you."
"It's not easy for you, either, is it?" she muttered, "Everyone knows how much you were in love with her. This has got to be a pretty big slap in the face. Not only did you lose her, but you lost her to another girl."
Robin was silent for a moment.
"To be honest...yeah. It hurt a lot. But you two are my friends. I swore to myself if anyone ever cared about me at all, I'd always be there for them."
Where had Raven been when Starfire needed her? She had always shrugged her off, treating her like an unwanted pest. But that's what she was, wasn't she? Raven wanted to be left alone, and Starfire was always bugging her...
But if she really wanted to be alone, why did she bother joining the Titans at all? Could it be that she really did want companionship? She denied it, of course, but the question was eating away at her the moment Starfire confessed her love for her.
"Raven?"
She snapped to attention.
"How do you feel about her?"
When Starfire stirred from her sleep, she noticed the feeling of a soft velvet-like clothe in her hands. When she opened her eyes, she saw that her plump little Altarian grub nestled in her arms. She rolled over and saw Raven off in the corner, reading a copy of Ender's Game.
"Still say it looks like an overstuffed maggot." she commented when she saw Starfire was awake.
Starfire looked at her stuffed alien, then back at Raven.
"I...am sorry, friend Raven."
"You should be."
Raven slammed her book close and walked over to her.
"What were you thinking? You shouldn't kill yourself just because some loser rejects you."
"Kill myself?!"
Starfire clutched her grub tighter.
"No, no! I...I witnessed your accidental laceration when you were grooming your legs once, and you acted strangely, and-"
"Okay, I think I get it. I suppose it serves me right for not being honest with you."
She looked at her arm and sighed.
"Star...I'm going to tell you something I've never told anyone. You have to promise me you won't tell anyone about this."
Starfire nodded. Raven rubbed her wrists, seeming reluctant to talk. But slowly, carefully, she started speaking.
"Well...see...you know I didn't have any friends growing up. I just spent my time in my room, bored out of my mind. This one day, I was just wandering around the house and someone had left this pocket knife out. I've never had any of the usual childhood injuries like bruises and scraped knees, so...I was curious about what physical pain felt like. I gave myself this small scratch on my arm."
"Did it not hurt?"
"It did, but that's why I did it. I wasn't feeling anything. I was this kid that was just there. The pain reminded me I was...that I was more than just there. So I kept cutting, watching blood paint my skin. Sometimes, I wanted to just give up and cut as deep as I could."
Starfire set aside the Altarian grub and held Raven, slowly stroking her hair.
"Starfire...it was a long time ago. It's no big deal."
"You are wrong." she whispered.
When she let Raven go, she had a small smile. It was such a precious thing, that smile. She showed it so rarely, it was something to be valued when seen. And right now, she was showing it to Starfire.
author's notes: I just realized something. This is a fem-slash story. Wow. Not that this is entirely new to me. I wrote these two Miho-Kiyo stories at the Tenchi Muyo Fanfic Archive (tmffa.com, shameless plug!) called "Happiness" and "Heart of Glass", but when I wrote them, as well as I when I started on this, it never crossed my mind they were yuris. I just really like a good romantic story, and I'm a total sucker for lesbian romance. I'm a straight guy, obviously, but I honestly do think there's something beautiful about it. There's sort of this forbidden element in it, a bit like Romeo and Juliet. That, and cute lesbian couples are freakin' cool! Rock on, cute lesbians of the world!
to Heathen: Ah, the Dance Dance Revolution reference. I gotta talk about this. I've never played it myself, but when I was thinking about how the guys would cheer up Star, I thought of the part in Strikerflame's "Untitled" where Starfire and Raven go to the arcade, and I just thought to myself that Dance Dance Revolution is so Starfire (thanks for the idea, by the way, Strikerflame). And thus, a parody is born.
to neon rose: Wow! You have got to be my favorite reviewer so far. And your writing is none too shabby, either. I think you might have potential. (And, of course, I say that because your writing style reminds me so much of my own.)
Many thanks to everyone who's review this thus far, and in the future. I deeply value your feedback. Unless you give me a bad review, in which case, screw you, pal.
Raven stared up at the ceiling. It had been two hours since she had gone to bed, and she couldn't get to sleep.
"She...I was too hard on her. I should apologize in the morning."
Just as her eyes close, they shot right back open when the sound of soggy footsteps passed her door. She cautiously cracked her door open.
"Starfire?"
The source of the noise was Starfire, miserable looking and drenched to the bone.
"Where have you been? You're soaked."
"Out." Starfire muttered.
"The guys were really worried."
Starfire looked over her shoulder, staring at her fellow Titan with glassy emerald eyes.
"But you were not, correct?"
Starfire walked away before Raven could respond. Raven returned to her room for what was an uneasy night's sleep. In the morning, she forcefully ripped herself away from the comfort and security of her bed and shambled out to the kitchen table for breakfast. It probably wasn't a good idea seeing as Beast Boy was doing the cooking.
"Ahhh!" said Beast Boy, "Another gloomy Gus?"
Starfire didn't look like she had a good night either. She eyes were sunken and her hair, which was normally kept zealously well brushed, looked like it had only been brushed enough to pass as presentable to the public.
"Well, I know who'll turn those frowns upside downs. Mr. Toface!"
Beast Boy whipped out a couple of plates of tofu bacon and fried tofu eggs that were arranged into smiley faces.
"That is very creative." Starfire said with a weak but polite smile.
"Toface." Raven quipped, "Yeah, that sounds appetizing."
"Maybe it would be more to your liking if it was a grumpy face." Starface said under her breath.
"Beast Boy..." said Robin, "Are there really such things as tofu bacon and eggs? I mean...how do you make bacon and eggs out of bean curds?"
"He's got a point, BB." said Cyborg, "The bacon actually tastes like bacon."
Sensing that something was amiss, Beast Boy checked the bacon package.
"Made with...one hundred percent pork?!"
Beast Boy frantically scanned over the discarded egg carton.
"These eggs are eggs?! Oh no! The shells were a dead give away! How'd could I have miss that?! And the milk!"
Beast Boy snatched the milk carton from Robin's hand.
"No! It's real milk! From a real cow and everything!"
"What's wrong with that?" said Robin.
"I...don't really know. But everything else was an animal! Just like me, at one point or another! Dude, I am never shopping at that health food place again!"
After poking poor Mr. Toface in the eye a bit, Raven excused herself.
"Ah, c'mon!" said Cyborg, "You barely touched Toface. You want him to be sad that you didn't eat him?"
Starfire made another quiet little criticism.
"When has she ever cared about anyone's feelings?"
Her breakfast exploded in her face.
It was noon and there were still no signs of evil super beings plotting to take over or destroy anything, so Raven found herself with some free time. She really didn't find herself with much free time, inbetween meditation, and fighting crime, and whatnot. She really should have meditated, but on a whim, she decided to pick up where she left off in her diary. She was only digging up long buried issues, she knew that. Yet like a car wreck, she couldn't turn away.
"August 4th. I thought about going home, but changed my mind. I hate it there. Besides, I just met this cool high school guy named Vince. He works for his dad at the nearby garage and comes here sometimes to look for spare parts. He said if he came across any parts for this old van I'm camped out in, he can fix it up and give it to me. That's pretty nice of him. I can't remember anyone doing anything for me before without wanting to use me for something."
"August 16th. Went back home on the fifth, and no one had noticed I was gone. Missing a pair of underwear, though. That perv Bill probably took them. I've been pretty busy lately, which is why I haven't written as much. I've been hanging out a lot with Vince. He's turned me on to these books on Eastern mysticism. They're pretty interesting, and I think what I've learned has some link to my powers. I practiced some of what I learned when I was alone, and I was able to focus my energy. It's not easy, but it's better than letting it loose. I wonder if my powers would scare him."
"August 26th. School started today. Like usual, I heard people whisper behind my back. I don't really care anymore, though. I've got Vince now. Some boy pushed me to the ground, but Vince came along and scared him off. He acted all cool and stuff, like everything was in control. When I saw him like that, I felt this weird feeling. I felt a little lightheaded, but I kind of liked it. It felt like everything was alright."
Raven broke from her daze and looked at the clock.
"It's after two already? Huh..."
She stepped out to get herself a late lunch. On the way to the kitchen, she heard a thud come from the bathroom.
Starfire wondered if this was that "cold" thing she had heard so much about. Maybe not, she thought. Colds didn't involve vomiting, which she had done twice since 5 a.m. today. And now, leaned over the toilet, she felt she would soon make it three times. She gagged and heaved, but only saliva came out.
Physically drained, she stayed there for a few minutes. It gave her time to think.
"Raven...why are you always such a rude, cold, inconsiderate...meanie? Love is such a beautiful thing...and...and you do not care, do you? You willingly discard my love for you as if it were so valueless. If you truly do not desire love, then so be it. You will receive no more...no more anything from me! You are no longer my friend, Raven."
Her legs felt shaky as she tried to stand up. She tried to fly, as bad an idea as it was in her condition, and ended up collapsing on the floor, slamming her head on the door as she fell. As she pulled herself up, the door swung open.
"Starfire?"
If Starfire had been fully alert, she might have picked up on the concern in Raven's voice. Not that she would have cared at the time.
"You look terrible."
"Please reframe...from..."
Starfire stumbled back against a wall.
"Star!"
Raven tried to steady her, but Starfire shook of her hands.
"I do not...require your...assistance."
"You were out in the rain all night. You'll be lucky if you don't have pneumonia."
Before Starfire could protest, she found her body engulfed in black light.
"You're getting my assistance whether you want it or not."
They went off to Starfire's bedroom, Starfire struggling weakly all the way. When they reached their destination, Raven gently placed the sick girl on her bed.
"I'll get Cyborg," said Raven, "Wait here."
Minutes later, Cyborg had determined what was wrong with Starfire.
"A COLD?!" Beast Boy said in disbelief, "Dude, look at her!"
"She's not from Earth, BB. This is all new to her system. Didn't you ever see War of the Worlds?"
Robin suddenly looked grim.
"No..." Beast Boy said cautiously, taking notice of the Boy Wonder's darkened mood.
"Look, y'all, she's gonna be alright. Her immune system hasn't failed her yet, so I think she's been able to adapt to Earth's environment enough to fight this. She just needs to stay in bed, and we need to keep an eye on her."
And as if by the cruel sense of humor of a higher power, the alert beacons in their communicators beeped.
"Not now!" said Robin, "I'll stay-"
"I'll stay." Raven spoke up.
"But-"
"There's no time this. Just go."
Robin grudgingly agreed and they boys took off, leaving the girls to themselves.
"Hey, Star?"
Starfire turned on her side, away from Raven, and curled up.
"There was something I wanted to tell you."
"Something mean and cynical, no doubt."
"Enough of this!"
Even in her sickly, apathetic state, Starfire paid keen attention to Raven. As bitter and cold as she was, she had rarely- if ever- rose her voice.
"How did you want me to respond? Giggle like a cheerful airhead and skip with you through a goddamn field of wild flowers?!"
A small tremor passed through the tower. Raven took a moment to calm herself down.
"Starfire, you know me well enough. Just drop it, okay? Robin practically worships the ground you walk on. Go after him."
Starfire looked over her shoulder.
"I want you." she muttered.
"Fine." Raven said bitterly, "You want me so bad, you can finger me right here, right now. Sure, the tower will blow up, but you'll get what you want."
Starfire turned back and curled up tighter.
"Why do you say such hateful things?"
It barely came out as a whisper, but Raven still heard it.
"Because I don't know anything else!"
She hadn't meant to say that. She lost control again. It had slipped by her defenses somehow. Yet again.
She yanked her hood over her head and retreated to her room.
There were a number of reasons Starfire felt miserable. She was sick as a dog, she was too weak to retrieve her plush Altarian grub (which, for a stuffed alien worm, was pretty darned cute), and she just fought with someone who- despite her current mood- she cared about deeply.
She remembered back when to the Puppet King incident, when she and Raven had switched bodies. While she seemed a bit evasive about some parts, Raven had bared her soul to her. She thought that it brought them closer. True, Raven aliened her a slightly less than the others, but...
But she had let her closer. Not too close, but they did become closer. Maybe Raven did want to be closer. Maybe she wanted to be just like the others. But she didn't know anything else. She didn't know how to express anything positive. All she knew how to do is to defend herself indiscriminately. Starfire couldn't imagine a life so starved of love and affection. But that was Raven's life, wasn't it? Even now. She deprived herself of these vital elements, and now so was Starfire.
There was nothing she could do at the moment. She felt too weak to get up and seek her out. Her throat was too sore to scream out. She was helpless to do anything. For the first time in her life, Starfire's emotions just welled up inside, unable to escape. But maybe this wasn't a bad thing. This is what Raven did. She kept everything inside. If she was to truly understand Raven, then she had to do what she did.
She braced herself against the wall as she sluggishly stumbled to the bathroom, mustering all her strength to make the trip. She had once accidentally walked in on Raven. She had cut herself shaving her legs and she was staring at her wound, letting the blood run down her leg. It was something odd Starfire had noticed about her. She was always slow to tend to any wound of hers that drew blood. She would stare at it with such an intense focus. It was long thought that she might be a hemophobe or that healing herself took a great deal more concentration than healing others, but when Starfire had walked in on her, she told her to forget what she saw.
Starfire crashed down on the toilet and blindly reached around in the medicine cabinet until she found Raven's razors. After some fumbling, she managed to get a blade out. The sight of the clean, stainless steel edge was unnerving. She felt a small ping of sympathy for everyone that had to use such a dangerous looking instrument for personal grooming.
She was unsure what to do next. She really didn't want to hurt herself, but maybe if she just made a small scratch...
She slipped off one of her armlets and carefully pressed the razor against her skin. It would only be a small scratch. Just enough to draw a little blood, just enough to understand Raven. She slowly ran the blade down, trying to control her shaky hand.
"Starfire?!"
Raven's startled scream made her slip up. She ended up cutting far deeper than she intended to.
Raven slapped the blade from Starfire's hand.
"What's wrong with you?!" she yelled.
She grabbed Starfire's arm and concentrated on healing. It didn't work at first, but the large gash slowly closed up.
"What do you think you were doing?" Raven snapped.
Starfire didn't say anything. She simply collapsed into Raven's arms and cried.
"Honeys!" Beast Boy screamed down the hallways, "We're home!"
"Raven?"
When Robin walked into Starfire's room, he found Raven sitting next to Starfire's prone form. She didn't notice him come in.
"I'll take over."
She numbly shook her head.
"Raven, I-"
"This is all because of me." she said blankly, "If I hadn't just brushed her off, none of this would have happened."
Robin sat on the edge of the bed.
"What happened has happened, and it couldn't have happened any other way. I wanted to say something better, but...it's true. You're here for her now, though, even if it isn't easy for you."
"It's not easy for you, either, is it?" she muttered, "Everyone knows how much you were in love with her. This has got to be a pretty big slap in the face. Not only did you lose her, but you lost her to another girl."
Robin was silent for a moment.
"To be honest...yeah. It hurt a lot. But you two are my friends. I swore to myself if anyone ever cared about me at all, I'd always be there for them."
Where had Raven been when Starfire needed her? She had always shrugged her off, treating her like an unwanted pest. But that's what she was, wasn't she? Raven wanted to be left alone, and Starfire was always bugging her...
But if she really wanted to be alone, why did she bother joining the Titans at all? Could it be that she really did want companionship? She denied it, of course, but the question was eating away at her the moment Starfire confessed her love for her.
"Raven?"
She snapped to attention.
"How do you feel about her?"
When Starfire stirred from her sleep, she noticed the feeling of a soft velvet-like clothe in her hands. When she opened her eyes, she saw that her plump little Altarian grub nestled in her arms. She rolled over and saw Raven off in the corner, reading a copy of Ender's Game.
"Still say it looks like an overstuffed maggot." she commented when she saw Starfire was awake.
Starfire looked at her stuffed alien, then back at Raven.
"I...am sorry, friend Raven."
"You should be."
Raven slammed her book close and walked over to her.
"What were you thinking? You shouldn't kill yourself just because some loser rejects you."
"Kill myself?!"
Starfire clutched her grub tighter.
"No, no! I...I witnessed your accidental laceration when you were grooming your legs once, and you acted strangely, and-"
"Okay, I think I get it. I suppose it serves me right for not being honest with you."
She looked at her arm and sighed.
"Star...I'm going to tell you something I've never told anyone. You have to promise me you won't tell anyone about this."
Starfire nodded. Raven rubbed her wrists, seeming reluctant to talk. But slowly, carefully, she started speaking.
"Well...see...you know I didn't have any friends growing up. I just spent my time in my room, bored out of my mind. This one day, I was just wandering around the house and someone had left this pocket knife out. I've never had any of the usual childhood injuries like bruises and scraped knees, so...I was curious about what physical pain felt like. I gave myself this small scratch on my arm."
"Did it not hurt?"
"It did, but that's why I did it. I wasn't feeling anything. I was this kid that was just there. The pain reminded me I was...that I was more than just there. So I kept cutting, watching blood paint my skin. Sometimes, I wanted to just give up and cut as deep as I could."
Starfire set aside the Altarian grub and held Raven, slowly stroking her hair.
"Starfire...it was a long time ago. It's no big deal."
"You are wrong." she whispered.
When she let Raven go, she had a small smile. It was such a precious thing, that smile. She showed it so rarely, it was something to be valued when seen. And right now, she was showing it to Starfire.
author's notes: I just realized something. This is a fem-slash story. Wow. Not that this is entirely new to me. I wrote these two Miho-Kiyo stories at the Tenchi Muyo Fanfic Archive (tmffa.com, shameless plug!) called "Happiness" and "Heart of Glass", but when I wrote them, as well as I when I started on this, it never crossed my mind they were yuris. I just really like a good romantic story, and I'm a total sucker for lesbian romance. I'm a straight guy, obviously, but I honestly do think there's something beautiful about it. There's sort of this forbidden element in it, a bit like Romeo and Juliet. That, and cute lesbian couples are freakin' cool! Rock on, cute lesbians of the world!
to Heathen: Ah, the Dance Dance Revolution reference. I gotta talk about this. I've never played it myself, but when I was thinking about how the guys would cheer up Star, I thought of the part in Strikerflame's "Untitled" where Starfire and Raven go to the arcade, and I just thought to myself that Dance Dance Revolution is so Starfire (thanks for the idea, by the way, Strikerflame). And thus, a parody is born.
to neon rose: Wow! You have got to be my favorite reviewer so far. And your writing is none too shabby, either. I think you might have potential. (And, of course, I say that because your writing style reminds me so much of my own.)
Many thanks to everyone who's review this thus far, and in the future. I deeply value your feedback. Unless you give me a bad review, in which case, screw you, pal.