Chapter 2: In Which Edmund Asks Feimao What Condoms Are
Vjl: Now... PETER!
Feimao: (carries on hugging Edmund) Yay!
Vjl: (takes out a photo of Peter's old girlfriend)
Edmund: GAAAHHH-OOH. What's that?
Vjl: (to Peter) I take this to be your lady companion?
Peter:... WHAT?
Feimao: HAHA, he's turning red. Like Bob the Tomato from Veggietales!
Vjl: Come now, I took this from under your pillow, next to a packet of condoms.
Edmund:... What?
Vjl: Do you know what condoms are, Edmund? Ask Feimao.
Edmund:... (to Feimao) What are condoms?
Feimao: You know how kings live in kingdoms? So similarly, cons live in condoms.
Edmund:... Peter, why do you have a packet of residential units under your pillow?
Peter: (to Edmund) Psst, shut up, Ed! (to Vjl) Uh, um... do not try to trick me with your wily words, you vile vicious woman you!
Feimao: Woo, he's pretty good at alliteration.
Edmund: (indignantly) What dyou mean "Shut up, Ed"?
Peter: You're being an ass, that's what.
Edmund: If not for me, you'd be another lawn ornament in the White Witch's courtyard, you freak.
Feimao: Oh, it's so nice to watch them bicker...
Peter: If it weren't for you, I wouldn't even be a lawn ornament in the first place!
Lucy: Quarrels are bad! They give off bad vibes! BAD!
Vjl: Here, have some lokum. (gives Lucy lokum aka Turkish Delight)
Lucy: Mom says I'm not allowed to take sweets from strangers.
Edmund: If it weren't for- (sniffs air) I SMELL TURKISH DELIGHT.
Feimao: Oh, so we DO have Turkish Delight! (takes it from Vjl and shoves it into Edmund's mouth) There you go.
Edmund: (chew chew chew)
Feimao:... DAMN, he's cute when he does that.
Vjl: (to Lucy) By the way, did you know that a lot of people called Lucians like to pair you up with Prince Caspian?
Lucy:... Who?
Feimao: Oh, Viv, keep in mind the time thingie. I think we dropped in just at the beginning of the Golden Reign, so Caspian hasn't even been born yet.
Vjl: That's a pity. But really, the pairing's so weird.
Feimao: Hear hear. But Lucy/Tumnus is even weirder.
Edmund: (to Feimao) Please release me so I may inflict some physical damage to my jerk of an older brother.
Peter: DON'T YOU DARE.
Feimao: Ooh, a conflict.
Vjl: (to Lucy) But you really ought to go with Caspian because he's the only male human around of relatively acceptable pairing age other than your brothers.
Lucy:... I'm afraid I don't... understand?
Vjl: No worries, you will soon come to understand in a few years time.
Lucy: Um, ok. Why?
Vjl: Because of hormones like progesterone and whatever rubbish flowing through your veins, that's why.
Lucy: What's prudjer- prodjer- progrest-...
Vjl: It's rubbish, understand? Rubbish. And it's flowing through your veins.
Lucy:... Why do I have rubbish flowing through my veins?
Vjl: Because you're a girl.
Lucy: That's very small rubbish then. I wonder how it all fits...
Vjl: Now, boys have a very different kind of rubbish flowing in their veins.
Peter and Edmund: (coldly) WHAT?
Vjl: Theirs is called testosterone, and it's even more rubbish because it makes them stupid and silly.
Feimao: Oh, but in certain boys, their rubbish makes them all the more cute.
Vjl: Take your brothers for example.
Peter and Edmund: HEY!
Feimao: Peter is rubbish, yes, but NOT EDMUND.
Edmund: (to Peter) See? I have support. YOU DON'T. (sticks tongue out)
Vjl: Unfortunately, post-pubescent girls find their rubbish amusing, even attractive.
Feimao: (icily) I am not post-pubescent.
Vjl: You've had your mens right?
Feimao:... (releases Edmund and takes Vjl aside) Excuse me, you do not discuss this kind of thing in front of GUYS alright? It is not protocol, man.
Edmund: Why? What're "mens"?
Peter: Bad grammar?
Vjl:... Have you ever taken sex ed before, dudes?
Edmund:... Excuse me?
Peter: They use such queer language...
Vjl: It's like, when girls have their monthly periods?
Edmund: Annnd... these are... what?
Vjl: Hello, you have SISTERS and you don't know? (points at Susan)
Peter: Monthly periods? Like, monthly time intervals?
Vjl: Ask her the next time she wakes up.
Edmund: (snorts) Like we'd care...
Lucy: Now, Ed, that's not very nice...
Vjl:... You might care when your toilet bowls are covered in blood.
Lucy: Oh my, but our toilets are always so clean!
Peter: Susan has monthly time intervals when she spends enormous amounts of time in the royal loo.
Vjl: There you go, then. Observant of you.
Edmund: The royal girls' loo anyway.
Peter: Gross, we're not looking in THERE.
Edmund: (nods in agreement) Absolutely.
Vjl: You know, I should be your sex ed teacher.
Feimao: Boys're so cute when they're clueless. Certain ones anyway. (continues hugging Edmund)
Edmund: Good GRIEF, not again...
Vjl: How are you guys going to repopulate Narnia with humans if you don't know about sex? Jeez...
Edmund: Repopulate? Does this have something to do with geography?
Vjl:... Then again, the process would include incest, so... not a good idea either. Hmm.
Lucy: What's "incest"?
Edmund:... Is it a kind of jellied dessert?
Peter: It sounds like something that burns.
Edmund: That's INCENSE. That smelly thing you burn.
Vjl: Correct. INCEST, on the other hand, is when you get really, really intimate with your brother or sister...
Lucy:... Susan let's me sleep next to her when I get nightmares.
Edmund: (snickers) Or when you get scared during thunderstorms.
Vjl: If you guys do more than sleep, then THAT would be incest.
Peter: (getting embarrassed) I don't understand where this is all going anyway...
Vjl: This is going in the direction of your girlfriend, Peter. The one you left behind in our world years ago.
Peter: (hotly) is NOT.
Edmund:... A SCANDAL. :)
Vjl: And you know what I found out?
Edmund: This ought to be interesting...
Peter: NOTHING!
Feimao: Hey, Viv, can we teach them sex ed?
Vjl: I don't think Peter needs it. Because he MADE HIS GF PREGNANT!
(silence.)
Lucy:... What's "pregnant"?
Feimao: That was a pregnant pause.
Vjl: Haha. It's when you get morning sickness and puke up all over.
Lucy: (to Peter) Peter! How on earth did you get a poor girl so sick that she vomited so much? That's horrid!
Peter: I DID NOT!
Vjl: I have conclusive evidence, Peter, don't try to deny it.
Edmund:... I still don't get it.
Feimao: Hm?
Edmund: Give me a break! I'm only 12!
Feimao: True. We didn't have sex ed when I was 12.
Edmund: Does that explain why you're a paedophile then?
Feimao: God, I'm only 4 years older than you alright? JEEZ.
Edmund:... You are SO old.
Feimao: Don't make me sit on you.
Edmund:... (shuts up)
Peter: I am NOT denying! WHAT CONCLUSIVE EVIDENCE?
Vjl: A pregnancy test, plus a DNA test, PLUS a picture of the baby to compare with your face.
Peter: WHAAAT?
Vjl: Yes, Peter, there is NO escape from your evil past...
Feimao: And at such a young age too, tch.
Vjl: Your past full of misdeeds and misadventures and near miscarriages...
Peter: THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
Vjl: No it's not. Look. (whips out baby's photo)
Edmund: (smirks) Go on, Peter, be a good father...
Peter: AGH, I TOLD you, I'm INNOCENT!I've never even HAD a girlfriend!
Edmund: Does it look like an oaf? If it does, it's definitely Peter's.
Vjl: It looks just like him. All the way down to his idiotic nasal hair.
Peter: I DO NOT HAVE NASAL HAIR. Not much anyway.
Vjl: I have a soft copy, a back-up copy, plus photocopies...
Peter: BURN THOSE RIGHT NOW. You are NOT framing me for something this heinous!
Feimao: Hahaha, your brother's bloody funny when he panics.
Edmund: You think? You should've seen him that time he overslept and was late for a council meeting. Dashed right out of his room in his unmentionables.
Feimao: I really don't see how some girls can be enamored of him.
Edmund: What, SERIOUSLY?
Feimao: Oh yeah, my friend back home thinks he has nice lips.
Edmund:... Are all your friends paedophiles?
Feimao: I SAID, I bloody SAID-
Edmund: (hastily) Uh, ok, got it. Not paedo. Nope, you're not paedo at all.
Vjl: I can show the photos to you guys when I get my hands on them.
Edmund: Yes, you do that.
Peter: NO, YOU DO NOT.
Feimao: WAIT! STOP! EVERYBODY SHUSH AND LISTEN TO ME!
Vjl: You have your period? Omg!
Feimao: ...
Vjl: I've run out of pads!
Edmund: What pads?
Lucy: Are they lily pads?
Vjl: Try banana leaves, I hear they work.
Feimao: SHUT UP LAH.
Vjl: What does Susan use?
Lucy: Susan? Um, I'm not sure. I know she has a lot of hair brushes, if those'll help...
Vjl: I don't think they will...
Feimao: I WANT TO GO TO CAIR PARAVEL.
Vjl:... That's what you wanted to say?
Feimao: YES.
Peter: Wait a minute, how do YOU know about Cair Paravel?
Vjl: She's psychic!
Feimao: Yeah, what she said.
Vjl: I'm psychic too! That's how I know about your baby, Peter.
Peter: SHUT IT.
Feimao: ONE TWO JIGGY ALIEN TELEPORTATION DANCE HO! (teleports everyone to Cair Paravel)