Dressed in dark slacks, her light coat zipped up and revealing a hint of white oxford, a leather bag slung over one shoulder, Jane looked weary, hesitant.
The look in her eyes was startling. There was a tangled, swirling darkness in them that threatened to pull Maura under, drown her.
Maura couldn't breathe, couldn't speak, couldn't think.
The sight of Jane was impossible to assimilate and without her conscious permission, Maura's body launched towards Jane.
The force of her movement was enough to cause them to rock violently backwards but Jane steadied them, allowing Maura to bury her face in Jane's shoulder.
"Jane," she rasped.
Jane tried to pull back, to meet her gaze, but Maura's grip was unyielding.
"No," Maura cried, clutching tighter, her arms around Jane's neck.
"Ok," Jane's low voice was a benediction. "It's ok."
Jane's arms held Maura to her, one hand at the small of her back and the other cupping her neck.
Maura thought fleetingly that she must be dreaming, perhaps even dead. It was too much for her brain to process- Jane, in Paris, in her arms.
Here.
Jane.
She was warm and firm and her distinct scent wrapped around Maura just as potently as her arms.
Long minutes passed and neither woman retreated. Jane softly stroked her fingers against Maura's neck. Maura shivered, pulling Jane impossibly closer.
It took Maura a moment to realize the voice she was hearing was her own.
"I've missed you so much," she whispered. "I'm so sorry. Please don't leave me. Please- I need you."
Her secret despair, held in for so long, flowed out without her permission.
"I'm not leaving," Jane soothed. Her gravelly voice was heavy with sorrow. "I'm so sorry, Maura."
Jane tried again to pull back, but Maura tightened her grip to stop the retreat.
"I'm not leaving," Jane repeated, trying to look at Maura's face.
Swallowing harshly, Maura loosened her grip but didn't let go.
When she met Jane's eyes, her stomach knotted and she fought the urge to bury her face back in the quiet safety of Jane's neck.
The emotions in Jane's eyes were too mired, too potent, for Maura to process. The intensity of what she saw there frightened her.
"God I've missed you," Jane exhaled harshly.
Maura licked her suddenly dry lips and Jane's eyes tracked the movement.
"How did you find me?" Maura asked, the shock subsiding and forcing hundreds of questions to the forefront of her mind.
"My Ma," Jane looked sheepish. "I didn't know how else."
"You could have called me," Maura suggested softly.
"I wasn't sure you would answer," Jane looked at the ground. "I wouldn't have if I were you. I was so wrong, Maura. I just... I had to see you."
"You came to Paris… just to see me?" Maura realized the ache in her chest had dimmed for the first time in nearly a year.
"Yes," Jane nodded.
"You've never been here before," Maura said dumbly, the enormity of it all dawning on her.
"No," Jane shook her head. "It's the first time. First time for a lot of things, really."
Maura felt suddenly awkward. She was having trouble thinking through the visceral haze of desire blanketing her body, her mind. She was having difficulty focusing on anything aside from the desperate, ardent passion swirling around her.
She wanted to crawl inside of Jane and stay there forever. She wanted to kiss her, to run her hands over every inch of Jane's skin, to feel Jane's naked body pressing against hers in the dark.
Jane's cloudy eyes met Maura's and they snagged, held. Maura struggled to breathe. They were still clutching each other, their faces only inches apart.
A passerby shot them a long look and Jane's eyes broke from Maura's.
"Let's go inside," she suggested.
Maura nodded and led them into the building, feeling nervous and frazzled. She tried to calm herself, to tell herself that Jane had come to be her friend, to make amends.
There was no indication that Jane wanted any more from her, or that she knew the depth of Maura's feelings. Maura tried to convince herself that she had nothing to fear, but she didn't really believe it.
Maura's hands shook as she tried to fit the key into the lock of the ornate apartment. Jane stepped up behind her, the heat from her body making it impossible for Maura to move. She guided the doctor's hands in unlocking the door and then pushed it open, allowing Maura to precede her into the flat.
"I don't-" Jane began to speak, shutting the world out with the solid oak door.
Maura was terrified of what she might say. Was worried she might say she didn't love Maura- couldn't love her. Was petrified that she might pull away, leave the room, the city, the country, her life.
She couldn't let Jane go now. She would never survive.
But she wasn't ready to speak, to ask questions or offer answers.
The only salvation, the only thing her mind could focus on, was kissing Jane.
So without thought or preface Maura stepped forwards and pressed her lips to Jane's. She put a gentle hand on Jane's cheek, the other fisted tightly at her side.
Jane didn't respond but she didn't pull away.
Maura leaned back, resting her forehead against Jane's, her eyes still closed.
"I'm sorry," Maura breathed. She couldn't seem to move any further away, couldn't seem to take her hand off Jane's cheek.
She wasn't entirely sure what she was apologizing for, but she suspected Jane knew it wasn't for the kiss.
She'd never feel sorry for kissing Jane.
Hundreds, thousands, of words threatened to spill from her lips. Pleas, promises, desperately heated confessions- she swallowed them down as best she could, knowing she wouldn't be able to maintain the silence for long.
She wanted to tell Jane everything, wanted to free all the secrets and lies she'd been carrying around for so many lonely, long days.
"Maura," Jane's pained voice met her ears and Maura squeezed her eyes against the onslaught of tears pricking behind her eyelids.
"I'm so sorry Jane," she replied, crying softly. "I don't know why you're here but I can't let go."
Their bodies were only inches apart, and Maura could feel the heat radiating off of Jane.
She was certain that this is what hell must feel like. The sweet agony of feeling the heat but getting absolutely no warmth, no comfort.
Maura felt Jane begin to pull back, to step away. Desperate, she pressed her lips to Jane's again.
Jane's hand grasped Maura's wrist but she was otherwise immobile. Not resisting, but not encouraging either.
"Please don't go," Maura begged raggedly, kissing Jane yet again. "I can't let go."
Maura ran her tongue over the seam of Jane's lips, trying to rein her unruly body in but failing miserably. When Jane opened her lips, Maura's tongue stole inside. Maura brought her other hand up to cradle Jane's face in her palms.
She could feel the way Jane nearly vibrated with restrained emotions, wanted to make Jane lose control in the same way she herself had lost all hope of sanity, of rational thought.
Maura touched her tongue to Jane's, unable to stifle her moan. Jane tasted familiar and new, made her feel wild with desire and ache with desperation. Jane allowed Maura's tentative, erotic exploration but still did not move closer, did not respond with equal fervor.
When Maura pulled back for air, she knew immediately it was a mistake. If Jane wasn't kissing her, she could tell her all the reasons this was a mistake. Could tell her that she didn't love Maura, hadn't come to do anything more than make Maura even more miserable.
"Maura," Jane's tone was apologetic, her breathing heavy.
"Please," Maura repeated, frantic, silencing Jane with her lips once again.
This time, when she kissed Jane, the other woman responded. Jane's hands wrapped around Maura's waist, crushing their bodies together.
The kiss grew, building in only seconds and taking on a life of its own. Their hands roamed, their lips melded, tongues met, breath mingled.
Maura felt like Jane was turning her inside out. She felt like Jane was stripping her bare and leaving her vulnerable, open to the world. With every touch of their lips and tongues Jane took possession of another piece of Maura, and Maura knew she'd never be whole again.
Before, Maura would have felt confident that Jane would protect her newfound vulnerability. Before, Maura would have known, without a doubt, that Jane would shelter her from the world. But now…
Now, she couldn't be sure.
Now, for all Maura knew, Jane would lay her bare and leave her.
They kissed again and again, their bodies flush against each other and not nearly close enough. Maura tugged until Jane's coat was sliding off her shoulders, left ignored on the floor. She un-tucked Jane's shirt and ran her fingers against Jane's lightly defined abs.
She was frenzied, feral. A note of panic underlined everything she did, every breath she took.
They staggered a few steps towards the nearest wall and Jane pressed Maura up against it. Maura was glad for the anchor of the smooth surface at her back- she was unraveling by the second and she couldn't seem to focus.
She'd never felt so out of control.
Desire and desperation cloaked her mind and body, for once allowing her to silence her rational mind.
The only thing running through her head was- Jane can't leave.
Jane can't leave.
"I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown," Maura rasped, unsure what she was saying but recognizing the truth.
She didn't know if Jane's presence in Paris was going to be the catalyst for saving or surrender. She didn't think she wanted to know.
For now, for tonight, she just wanted to feel something besides pain.
Jane made her feel so much pain- so much sorrow, despair, animosity, loneliness.
For one night, she wanted Jane to make her feel pleasure.
Jane's brow furrowed and a curious, primal emotion flashed through her eyes but they were kissing again before Maura had time to decipher it.
With Jane's lips on hers, the detective's hands roaming her body, Maura could forget how lonely she'd been. She touched as much of Jane at once as possible, her hands wild, her movements uncoordinated.
Jane skimmed her hands up under the hem of Maura's sweater, her rough palms sparking against Maura's smooth stomach. Maura moaned, burying her face against Jane's neck.
"Please don't stop," she begged, nipping the cord of muscle that ran up Jane's neck. Jane shivered under her and Maura felt frustration welling at the way Jane's still buttoned shirt stopped her from further tactile exploration.
Maura realized she was crying. Her breathing was heavy, ragged. Her fingers were clawing at Jane's shirt, grasping the soft, wrinkled fabric tightly in her fists.
"Maura," Jane's voice seemed like it was coming from a distance. Her hands were suddenly attempting to soothe rather than stoking the fires.
"P-p-please Jane," Maura stammered. She was dizzy, despondent, her skin felt too small. She thought she must be going mad.
"Just hold on to me," Jane coaxed. "I've got you."
Maura nodded, sobbing, clutching even tighter to Jane's shirt.
Maura was distantly aware of them moving, but she didn't leave the protective shelter of Jane's arms, didn't open her eyes. Her feet were moving, they were traversing the hallway to her bedroom, but she couldn't focus on anything but the smell of Jane's hair, the way her arms wrapped around Maura and practically carried her.
After long minutes, Maura felt something pressing at the back of her legs. The bed, her brain managed to compute.
"Sit," Jane encouraged softly.
"I can't let-" Maura didn't know how to explain.
She was falling apart, breaking into a million little pieces, and she worried that if she let go of Jane she would disintegrate and there would be no hope of ever putting her back together again.
"I'm here," Jane soothed. "I'm here."
Maura's hand was clutching Jane's in a deathly grip. She closed her eyes again, allowed Jane to coax her onto the bed. Maura climbed up and curled up on top of the comforter, and it felt like an eternity in the seconds it took for Jane's arms to surround her again.
"I'm here," Jane repeated.
Maura settled back into Jane's arms, realizing how long it had been since anyone had touched her, held her.
But nothing compared to the feel of Jane.
Their bodies were perfectly aligned, fitting together like yin and yang. Jane's hands knew just the right tempo to soothe Maura. Her scent, her warmth, the even cadence of her breathing, it was perfectly synched to make Maura feel like she belonged nowhere else but right there in Jane's arms.
Maura couldn't seem to figure out what she was feeling.
Arousal, yes, but anxiety too- and the competition between the two was exhausting and frightening and overwhelming.
"Jane," she whispered. She again felt like she must be dreaming. She had said Jane's name so many times these past weeks but it had never garnered a response.
"Yeah?" Jane's concern was clear and she craned her head back to try to look Maura in the eye.
Maura allowed it, leaning her head back in the hope that Jane would know what Maura was feeling, would see in her eyes what she couldn't figure out how to explain, to verbalize.
"I-" she didn't know what to say.
"It's ok," Jane shushed her. "I'm here."
Without hesitating, Maura rolled further into Jane's arms, tangling their legs together. Maura rested her head over Jane's heart, listening to the steady beating. She rested one arm over Jane's waist, clutching her shirt in hand.
"I'm so sorry," Jane rumbled into the dark. She gently toyed with Maura's hair with one hand, the other skimming her arm.
Maura's eyes fluttered closed and desire pooled low in her gut. But a frightening numbness also settled over her.
This couldn't be real.
Any minute now, Maura would wake up and it would all be gone.
Jane would be gone. Maura would be alone.
This visceral, vivid fantasy, this mirage… it would dissipate in the early morning light and Maura would lose yet another part of herself to Jane.
Still, Maura figured that if she was going to burn, she should at least stoke the fires into a raging inferno.
She'd always appreciated a slow burn, but this was the time for an incandescent blaze.
Lifting slightly, Maura put her lips against Jane's collarbone. She could feel the way Jane tensed beneath her.
Bolder, Maura opened her mouth against Jane's smooth skin, running her tongue along the slightly salty flesh.
"Can't be real," she breathed, nipping softly. Jane's hands tightened against her.
Maura exhaled harshly, kissing up the long column of Jane's neck. Maura shifted until she was practically lying on top of Jane. She gritted her teeth against the flood of sensations washing over her.
It was too much.
It was all too much.
She thought she'd lost Jane forever.
Thought she'd never see her again.
And yet… yet here she was, under Maura, touching her, kissing her.
Maura felt her breathing accelerate to an almost dangerous rate. Her heart felt like it was pounding harder than ever before.
Pressing her lips to Jane's, she kissed the detective as if it was the last thing she'd ever do. Jane's arms crushed Maura to her body, holding her so tightly Maura thought she might snap in half.
Maura was too frenzied to remain still for long, pulling her lips away from Jane's and trailing them across her collar, down the 'v' of her shirt. She pulled with uncoordinated fingers until the top two buttons of Jane's oxford popped open, continuing the path of her lips across smooth, olive skin.
Jane put her hand under Maura's chin, tilting her face up.
"There's no rush," Jane rumbled. "I'm not going anywhere."
Jane's hand trailed up across Maura's cheek, threaded into her hair. Maura's eyes fluttered closed. She rested her forehead against Jane's sternum, trying to calm her breathing.
"But you did," Maura rasped. "You left me."
Jane shuddered beneath her.
"I'm sorry," she offered into the dark. "I'm here now."
"Are you?" Maura whispered. "I'm afraid if I stop, I'll wake up."
"You're awake," Jane assured her.
"I can't be," Maura replied breathlessly. "This can't be real. Any minute now I'll realize I'm alone. I'm always alone. You just… you can't be here."
"I'm here," Jane said. She rolled them swiftly, wrapping Maura underneath her.
Maura's eyes were still closed, her arms splayed out to her sides. Jane was cradled between Maura's thighs, holding herself up and back with one arm. She slid the other hand down Maura's arm to grab her hand. Tugging gently, she guided Maura's hand over her own heart.
"Feel that?" Jane coaxed. "I'm here. We're ok."
"But I'm not ok," Maura sighed, shaking her head. "I'm not ok."
Jane's head bowed, the weight of Maura's sorrow a burden she felt unfit to bear.
"I'm sorry," Jane pressed a tender kiss to Maura's lips. "I'm so sorry, Maura."
Maura clutched Jane's shoulders, pulling the other woman down on top of her. She resisted, afraid she'd crush Maura, but the doctor persisted.
"Please," she begged. "I want to feel safe, if only for a moment."
Helpless to resist, Jane rested her weight on top of Maura. Maura's arms wrapped around Jane's torso, holding her close. Jane wrapped her arms under Maura's shoulders, pulling their bodies flush.
Maura's face was buried in Jane's neck. It was her new favorite place to be, and the only place she'd felt safe in days, weeks, months.
"Why did you come?" she whimpered.
"I had to see you," Jane replied.
"Why?" Maura practically begged. Being wrapped up against Jane was terrifying, but with her face hidden in the warm cocoon of Jane's neck, Maura also felt just a little bit fearless.
Nothing could hurt her here. Not even Jane.
"Maura, I," Jane faltered. "What did you say to my Ma?"
"The truth," Maura responded.
Jane trembled above her, against her.
"Why did you lie to me?" Jane rasped, her voice full of hurt, sorrow, confusion.
"I had to protect you," Maura cried. "You didn't deserve to get wrapped up in my mess."
"I could have helped," Jane whispered. "I would have done whatever it took."
"Exactly," Maura nodded emphatically. "You would have risked everything- you have too much to lose."
"So instead I had to lose you," Jane offered bitterly.
"An acceptable loss," Maura sighed. "Given the odds."
"Odds?" Jane snapped incredulously. "This wasn't something you could just calculate."
"But it was," Maura countered. "You have friends and family and a career that you love. I have my life, myself. For me to take those risks was acceptable, but to force you to do the same was out of the question."
Jane pulled away abruptly, standing. The fury, the incredulity in her eyes, was startling.
"So all of this," she gestured roughly between them. "Was some sort of game for you?"
Maura struggled to sit up, to assimilate the suddenly cool air, the crushing weight against her chest.
"No," she shook her head. "I wanted to protect you."
"From what?" Jane demanded.
"From everything," Maura said. "I knew what I was doing was illegal, Jane. I knew it was against the law but it was right. I couldn't involve you in that."
After Ian had gone, Maura had realized that he wasn't the love of her life.
Jane was.
Jane was the one who meant everything.
So when Ian called, asked if she could get him the medicines he needed, she almost said no. But he told her what was happening to the children he worked with, said she should come see it.
She almost said no.
Then she thought about how she could never have Jane's love, how her best friend would forever be nothing more than that, and it made her feel despondent, reckless.
Lying, she told everyone at BPD that she was attending a medical conference for a week. In reality, she was with Ian. What she saw there broke her heart, opened her eyes, changed her.
When she returned to Boston, she sought out the drugs Ian wanted, needed. Maura was smart and her knowledge of investigations and police work came in handy. The first few shipments went off flawlessly…
"You should have told me," Jane asserted. "I thought I was your best friend."
"You are," Maura emphasized the present tense. "That's why I had to protect you."
"Why did you lie about going to Africa?" Jane asked. "About seeing Ian again."
Maura knew she and Jane already crossed every line, destroyed every barrier in their friendship, but she was still afraid to put all her cards on the table.
Then she looked at, really saw, Jane.
Jane was clearly hurt. She looked cornered, oh so wild- caged. She looked desperate and needy and as terrible as Maura felt.
It comforted Maura.
"I figured if I couldn't have you," Maura whispered. "I had nothing to lose."
"Who said you couldn't have me?" Jane rasped, her voice strained.
"I knew," Maura sighed. "You're… Jane Rizzoli. You're brave and intelligent and funny. Everyone loves you, wants to be near you. You're the best friend I've ever had. You deserve someone who is equally amazing, and while none of the men you date have lived up to that someday one of them will and then you'll be taken from me. It's inevitable."
"What?" Jane's surprise was tinged with sorrow, her eyes darkening with something Maura couldn't decipher.
"I lied Jane," Maura admitted. "When I said I wasn't in love with you. But it was only to protect you. Isn't that one of the times when it's ok to lie? I wanted to do something great with my life, and if I couldn't love you then it would have to be something else great. Helping Ian was the obvious choice."
"What the hell are you talking about?" Jane demanded, taking a few quick, angry steps towards the bed.
Maura felt something in the pit of her stomach tighten. She stood, wondering how long her legs would hold her.
"Even before Ian arrived," Maura began. "I realized I was falling in love with you. I didn't know how to stop it. It seemed… inevitable. I've never fallen in love with a woman before but I know what it's like to fall in love- this was beyond anything I could have imagined. And I looked at you… I knew you'd never love me back. I needed to do something to make me forget, to pull me away from the way you made me feel, so when Ian called I answered."
"Maura, you," Jane interrupted.
"Stop," Maura shook her head, pleading. "I'm not quite done- I just need to get this out. I was going to keep working with Ian, but it was hard for me, not being able to share everything with you. I think he could see the toll it was taking. He tried to tell me it was alright, that I could quit. But I didn't know how. Then I slipped up, and that's how Narcotics sensed I might be involved with him. I managed to make it seem like it was just that one shipment… that's why they only suspended me for 90 days instead of pressing charges. Ian acted like he'd been coercing me, blackmailing me. He was already in so much trouble that a little more was no real burden for him."
"Maura," Jane tried again.
"It's done now," Maura shrugged. "They said I'm free and clear- but I'm not free, Jane. Because I can't seem to get away from you."
Jane's eyes were glossy, unreadable in the dark.
Maura felt suddenly stifled, like the room was suffocating, like the world was closing in on her. She walked over and opened the glass doors onto the balcony, stepping out to let the cool night air wash over her.
When Maura agreed to help Ian, she began to distance herself from Jane, from her friends. It was the only fair thing to do, but it was also impossible to stop. To help Ian she had to lie, demure, avoid. She had to start being vague, being busy, disappearing.
They would go to the Dirty Robber but she'd have to turn them down. They'd be out on a call and she'd show up late. It became impossible to maintain the closeness they'd had when she was wrapping herself in such subterfuge.
She couldn't have admitted it at the time but in retrospect, it also gave her a reason to avoid Jane. To give herself space to breathe, time to think. It meant she wasn't so constantly overwhelmed by the way she felt about Jane, by her love for her best friend.
Then, during the investigation into Maura's involvement with Ian, she'd pushed everyone at BPD completely away. She had known it was imperative to keep them at a distance, to make clear that they had absolutely no connection.
That was when she'd been confronted by Jane. That was when she'd lied- said she wasn't in love with her.
Jane had said, talk to me Maura. I'm your friend. I love you.
Maura, with a practiced ease, had replied, I love you Jane, but I'm not in love with you. I wanted to help Ian- so I did.
Jane had been hurt, confused, probably more than a little bit angry. So she'd pulled away, allowed Maura to keep her distance.
And Maura, knowing she could never have Jane as her own, allowed it.
"Why didn't you just tell me?" Jane asked.
Maura's brow furrowed, and she turned to look over her shoulder at Jane.
"I just explained," she hesitated.
"No," Jane stepped up next to her. The heat from her body made Maura aware of how chilly it was outside. "Why didn't you tell me… how you felt about me?"
"Having some of you," Maura sighed, gazing out at the city before her. "Was better than losing all of you."
"If you'd only said," Jane leaned forwards, bracing herself against the railing, eyes closed.
Maura looked over at her, that niggling fear from earlier crawling up her spine.
"If I had?" she prompted breathlessly.
"Things would have been different," Jane equivocated.
"Different how?" Maura urged.
"Well," Jane heaved a shuddering sigh. "Guess we'll never know."
"Tell me," Maura half begged, half commanded.
"It doesn't matter now," Jane said.
"Why did you come?" Maura asked, changing tactics.
"I had to see you," Jane looked at Maura curiously. "I had to know if I could see what everyone else seemed so sure of."
"Do you see it?" Maura knew a blind man could see the way she felt about Jane, especially given her greeting only moments before, her explanation for her behavior over the past months.
"Yeah," Jane turned back to the skyline. "I see it."
"And?" Maura prompted, unsure of the reason behind Jane's sudden reservation, sudden melancholy and withdrawal.
"And I spent the whole way here thinking about what I'd do when I saw you," Jane admitted. "I went from one end of the spectrum to the other- from furious to crying and everything in between. When I found your building I was worried, afraid you wouldn't even want to talk to me. Then you… you touched me and I got a rush of all those other feelings too, that crazy mix I get only around you where I can't think. All I knew was that I needed to touch you."
"What did you expect me to say?" Maura wondered aloud.
"I don't know," Jane replied. "To be honest I couldn't even imagine you'd talk to me. The whole thing felt like a fool's errand but I couldn't seem to stop myself. It had just been so long since I saw you, since I heard your voice, something inside of me just kept pushing me towards you."
"I'm glad," Maura whispered.
Jane's head whipped up in surprise.
"You don't believe me?" Maura challenged softly, curious.
"No, I," Jane shrugged. "I just didn't expect you to say that."
"You're my best friend," Maura said. "Even when it hurts this badly, I'll still be glad to see you."
"I'm sorry I hurt you," Jane apologized breathlessly.
"I'm sorry I hurt you," Maura echoed.
Their eyes met and something transpired between them.
A flicker of hope for the flame of their love. The little light had been buffeted by wind and storm, and Maura had thought it was surely extinguished. Now… now it seemed that perhaps it had just faltered, but that if they protected it they could revive the spark.
Jane reached over hesitantly, eyes still locked with Maura's, and grabbed her hand. Maura squeezed softly, and they allowed their palms to rest together, fingers interlaced.
Standing there with Paris beneath them, time slowed.
"I love you," Maura breathed, and it felt like letting something toxic and heavy drain out of her. She felt cleaner and lighter, and while the weight of her sorrow, of their mistakes, still pulled at her shoulders, she stood a little taller.
Jane used their joined hands to tug Maura closer on the little balcony. Both sets of eyes returned to the horizon.
"I love you too," she whispered.
Maura leaned over and rested her head on Jane's shoulder. Jane released her hand, wrapping an arm around Maura's waist instead.
"How did we get here?" Jane asked.
Maura had been asking herself the same question for days, weeks, months.
"You said hello," she admitted. "That's all it took for me."
Jane's arm tightened around Maura almost imperceptibly.
"I meant," Jane hesitated, gesturing vaguely at their current position. "Here."
"I know," Maura replied.
"Do you still…" Jane lost her voice, lost her nerve.
"Always," Maura whispered.
Jane swallowed, hard.
"Me too," she said.
"But you don't trust me," Maura offered, Jane's hesitance suddenly making sense.
"I want to," Jane admitted. "I really do."
"It's ok," Maura soothed. She didn't trust herself right now.
"So what do we," Jane asked. "What do we do now?"
"We sleep," Maura stepped back into the dark bedroom. "I'm exhausted, and you must be too."
Jane nodded, eying the bed warily.
"There are guest bedrooms just down the hall," Maura added. "I can make one up for you."
Jane licked her lips nervously, and Maura could sense the battle waging inside her but couldn't discern the reason.
"I'd like to hold you," Jane met Maura's eyes, and Maura was powerless to resist.
She nodded her assent. Jane held a finger up in a, wait a second motion before disappearing from the room.
Maura took the minute to change into pajamas, a sleeveless silk nightgown that fell to her knees, and to scrub her face clean of make-up. When she returned to the bedroom, Jane was looking out the window in a Red Sox t-shirt and gym shorts.
Sensing Maura's presence, she turned, their eyes snagging. Jane's eyes dropped, her gaze smoothing over Maura in a way that made her shiver.
"God you're beautiful," Jane breathed, and Maura wondered if she was aware she'd spoken.
Maura moved over to the bed, climbing in with trembling hands. Jane waited for Maura to situate herself before joining her. They lay beside each other, shoulders touching, for a long minute before Jane shifted.
Pulling Maura over and against her, Jane wrapped an arm around Maura's back. Maura's head rested on Jane's shoulder, her arm slung across Jane's waist. Their legs tangled together under the comforter.
"Is this ok?" Jane rasped.
Maura couldn't speak, so she nodded and burrowed closer.
Neither woman spoke, their soft breathing punctuating the charged air around them. Jane fell asleep first, her arms tightening around Maura as she drifted off.
Maura stayed awake a while longer, breathing in the scent of her friend, memorizing the feel of their bodies against each other- just in case.
Just in case she woke up in the morning and this was all just a dream.
Or worse- just in case she woke up in the morning and all that was left of this night was the subtle hint of Jane's scent on her sheets.
Just in case.