A/N: I failed to write this prior to the first chapter of this story, but I wanted to clarify the inspiration of this story. I went through a turbulent friendship that was very close to a relationship a couple times throughout the years, and near the end of it, I related the two of us to Peridot and Lapis because of Barn Mates and the things we were going through at the time, and in general, our overall attitudes really stood out as one and the other. I'm still coping with this technical relationship, and I wanted to convey it in writing somehow, and I took a Lapidot fic as the perfect outlet. so, enjoy the second hand telling of my chaotic relationship with the girl I still consider to be my best friend, though we haven't spoken in 8 months. I don't know how this story will end yet, so, let's find out together.

this story, starting with this chapter, is scheduled to address drug and alcohol abuse as well as self harm, and I am hoping I'm courageous enough to put some sexual encounters into it. you have been warned.

~Ash

xxxxx

Dark blue hair flew out of more then bluer eyes as her head snapped up, having caught the chime of a newly received message from her laptop. She sat frozen for a moment, staring at the screen with a look of intense focus on her face while clutching a glass in her hand, a concoction of rum and soda withheld inside of it, courtesy of her older half-sibling. The corner of the screen flashed a red notification at her and she slowly reached over to where it sat on her frameless mattress, tugging it into her lap as she took a long draw from the glass. Setting the drink down on the floor to her side, Lapis Lazuli continued to stare at the startling alert flashing in her face.

gaylien528. No way. She replied.

She slid the mouse over the message and opened it, quickly reading through the reply anxiously, then leaned her head back against the wall as she took it in, a small drunken smile breaking across her face. She never smiled, drunk or sober, and she never received messages. Even from her small collection of friends, she hardly hearad from them outside of school and impulsive gatherings. No one bothered to deal with her. True, she had never spontaneously reached out to someone like she did with this specific girl, but, it remained that she was not someone others thought to speak with very much. The reply was unexpected, and greatly appreciated.

Picking up the glass and sitting forward, she took another long drink before setting it back down and proceeded to type up her reply, as cautious as the thought she should have been about it.

Hi, Peridot!

I'm glad to have heard from you. I was worried I was being too abrasive and weird...but I'm glad you replied. I have a lot of free time, too. I really wanna talk to you when you have the time. I know you study a lot. I just, I really have been wanting to talk to you for so long. so, thank you. I hope your night is going well. you've always caught my eye throughout the years, I know that's weird, but it's true. you just always stood out to me. I'll tell you more about it later, if time allows. I'm really happy to hear from you. again. thank you. really. so, message whenever you'd like, I'll be here. no life and all. heh. oh, I have the same lunch as you every other day, which tomorrow will be one of them, sooo...I'll come find you, if that's alright. okay, ttyl, or whatever, ha. have a good night, hope to hear from you soon. bye. thank you.

She clicked 'send' with shaking fingers and sat back, grabbing her drink and taking yet another long gulp from it, letting the mixture settle into her veins as her muscles relaxed from her second most adventurous message, next to the first one she had sent to Peridot. She clutched the glass in her hands and let her eyes wander to the side, absentmindedly clicking open her Spotify to let t.A.T.u. pop up and start streaming one of her favorite songs, "Nas Ne Dagoniat"...a Russian version of the first song of the English album, but, none the less, she loved it all the same. It held the same meaning and emotion as the more easily understood adaption. As she listened from her far off mental state, she let a small smile cross her face.

She had never been so intrigued by another person as she was by this little nerd.

And the fact that she had actually answered her, it left Lapis all but dumbfounded.

No one cared about her. No one. Not her family, or even her so called friends. Or so she felt. She knew they cared, but...no one knew her, and she didn't know if she wanted to let anyone know her the way she longed for...besides, maybe, possibly, this girl. This girl who had caught her attention 6 years ago. From simply being herself and not caring how anyone else regarded her appearance or social standing. By just...being her own self. It was more than Lapis could understand, and it was more than she ever thought she'd come to admire, but, she had, come to admire it, that is.

She never would have even acknowledged her unless Pearl and all her snootiness hadn't said something about her in the first place. Yes, it was six years ago, and yes, middle school was something else to take into consideration as opposed to senior year, but, at the time, Pearl's opinion meant a lot to other students. Pearl had been openly and loudly mocking how secluded the green eyed blonde girl seemed to be in the middle of their keyboarding class, which Lapis shared with both of them. Lapis had then shifted her attention to Peridot, who, nonchalantly, continued her learning as if nothing was taking place. She seemed to have completely blocked out the world that was around her for something much more than it all. Clicking away at the keyboard, gaze fixed upon the screen that supplied them their learning material for the day.

Since then, Lapis was hooked.

Hooked on this idea that this girl could be something in her life, no matter how chaotic it got. That, no matter what came to face either of them, they could possibly be one and the same, blocking it all out for something bigger.

Which was something that rang her back into the present world, as she took another swig of her Captain Morgan dark spiced rum and Dr. Pepper.

Her current life was a mess. Her mother. Her father. Her god damn half sibling. Her family. Her...home life. Accepting someone else into her way of life, as the way she wanted, would prove to be a challenge...but, she felt, if it was fit, Peridot could do it.

She could easily walk into her house and be at ease. She could block out all of the trouble they all represented and just easily stare past it all with those sharp green half lidded eyes. She could be herself without any worry of who looked at her and questioned anything that she brought to the table as she ate a homemade meal from it. No matter what it was.

Lapis inhaled sharply as she set her glass down and the song changed to t.A.T.u.'s cover of "How Soon Is Now?" by The Smiths and stared at her message.

She could only hope, that, somehow, beyond hope, this girl decided that she wanted to be part of her life. Something tugged her to that hope. She wanted Peridot in her life.

She needed Peridot in her life.

At this point, Lapis had no one else. She wanted Peridot there. She had for so many years, though she never truly acknowledged it. And now, upon a reply from this usually antisocial girl, she had the faintest glimmer that...it was possible.

She desperately hoped this was the case as she pulled her laptop closer, watching the notification bar, and downed the last of her alcoholic drink before letting her head hit the wall as her eyes fluttered close for a small inebriated nap.