The dead weight of Sasuke's arm smacking him across the face woke Naruto from his near sleep state with a start. Irritated, he pushed the arm away. The light from his phone next to him informed him of the time: 4:37 am. Naruto stretched, feeling the exhaustion of the previous day cling to his bones, yet his mind remained uncomfortably awake. Feeling stilted under the thick bedcovers, he sat up and pushed them off of his boxer clad body. He propped his head up and opened his phone to play his favorite dungeon siege game until he fell asleep again.
Sasuke tossed about next to him, illuminated in the glow of the city lights throughout the open blinds. The ugly plastic hospital bracket still circled his wrist as both men were too tired to look for scissors to remove it. Naruto highly doubted they owed a pair of scissors. Naruto sighed and ran a hand through his hair as he watched his boyfriend thrash around in his sleep. He wondered how bad the nightmare was, tonight. It didn't matter how much time passed between nightmares, they always returned to haunt their bed and force slivers of distance between them. Usually Sasuke calmed and slept through them, but he couldn't lay awake and watch Sasuke convulse in discomfort right next to him. He flipped on the small lamp on their nightstand.
"Hey, hey, wake up." Naruto whispered, shaking Sasuke's bare shoulder roughly. Sasuke felt slightly hot to the touch, covered with a sheen of cold sweat.
Sasuke's eyes shot open, wild and dark as he jerked away. His chest rose and fell rapidly. Naruto gently stroked his hair, moving the damp strands away from his bandaged forehead. Sasuke hands gripped Naruto's forearm in a hold tight enough to bruise. His breath came in erratic, deep pants.
"Naruto?" Sasuke gasped out, voice sounding unsteady. "Naruto, what…"
"Yeah Baby, I'm here. Everything's ok." Naruto murmured. "It's just me." He carefully ran a finger up the ridge of silver rings on the shell of Sasuke's ear. Sasuke closed his eyes to the touch, catching is breath. The grip lessened on Naruto's forearms before he hauled himself up and away from Naruto's caring hands. Even in the dark, Naruto could see Sasuke's hands shake slightly.
"Why are you shaking?" Naruto inquired, worried. Had he forgotten to give him the right combination of pills last night? He quickly wracked his tired brain, sorting candy colored pill containers in his head. He could have sworn Sasuke took all five night time pills only a couple hours beforehand.
Sasuke ignored the question and shook his head. "Where are my glasses?"
"What? Why?" A surprised look crossed Naruto's weary, scarred face.
"I'm going to go read."
This early? Don't want to go back to bed?" Naruto asked in surprise, and gestured at the expanse of bed next to him. Honestly, it was the most comfortable and warm spot in the apartment. But Naruto had ulterior motives: he honestly felt terrified that something would happen if the other man happened to be out of his sight for an instant. The anxiety clawed throughout his chest even as he actively tried to squash it down. An image flitted across his mind of red, red blood in the shower and he tried just as quickly to squash it away.
Sasuke shook his head as he pawed throughout the nightstand drawer. Finally he extracted a pair of thin black frames. "No. You go back to sleep. I'll be in the living room."
Naruto silently watched Sasuke stumble to put on pants and the same borrowed orange hoodie from yesterday. Naruto didn't miss the gesture, even in the dark, of Sasuke unconsciously craving comfort even while he pushed it away. The blonde flopped back onto the bed, pulling a pillow over his face. It's too early for shit like feelings. Within moments, he was fast asleep.
Six hours later, Naruto awakes to the sound of retching coming from the open bathroom door. Jumping out of bed as if electrified, he quickly navigated throughout piles of laundry to the attached bathroom.
Jesus Christ, Sasuke looks like shit. Naruto felt immediately bad for thinking it, as there was hardly ever a time when the dark haired man didn't look perfect, but damn. Sasuke wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, the glare on his face from its perch over the rim of the toilet bowl marring his elegant features. Hair a mess, red rimmed eyes watery with the force of vomiting, with his skin is taking on a vastly grayish pallor, Sasuke had physically never looked worse. Naruto grabbed the listerine bottle from the messy countertop and knelt next to him.
"I feel fucking awful." Sasuke said, his voice raspy.
Naruto's brows furred in concern as he watched Sasuke gag once more over the commode. He poured out a small amount of mouthwash into the lid and held it out. "Ugh, I'm sorry…here. Wash your mouth out, Sasuke."
Sasuke said nothing but took the makeshift cup and did so, closing his eyes as he swished the neon blue liquid in his mouth. Naruto reached behind them and turned on the shower tap. Instantly, the small bathroom filled with the calm sound of rushing water and began to fill with steam.
"Let's shower, yeah? It'll help you feel better." Naruto said, feeling helpless to do anything more but actively trying to do something, anything, to help.
"It won't."
"Well, it's can't hurt. We could both use one, yeah?" Naruto stepped out of his sleep pants as Sasuke stood, firm look of distaste across his face.
"You should have let me fucking die yesterday, Naruto." Sasuke retorts, taking off his glasses and flinging them on the bathroom floor. He pulled the bandages off his head, revealing a stitched up gash about two inches long.
"Why the hell would you say that?" Naruto asks rhetorically, flinging his shirt off and tossing it onto the cracked tile floor. The air nipped against his bare skin.
Sasuke sneered at him, voice dripping with derision. "Let's see..I'm coming off of drugs. I've killed my own fucking brother. Do you really think my life is worth saving?"
"It was self defense! Shit, Sasuke, there's always reasons to live! You're brother ruined your whole fucking life." Naruto spat out, waving his hands in frustration. "Don't ever think you aren't worth it because of that bullshit. And we're dealing with the drug thing, right now. We'll take care of it."
"Spare me, Naruto. I don't need your Jesus complex right now." Sasuke spat out and weakly stood, stepping under the steaming water. Pulling the curtain back, Naruto followed him in, unable to be deterred.
"Shut up! We're still talking about it later. You can't just say shit like that, ok?" Naruto softened his tone, worry palpable in his voice.
Sasuke ignored him, lifting his face to the gentle pattern of the water.
As Naruto watched the water drench Sasuke's hair and plaster it about his neck, he thought of when they were sixteen. Sasuke grew his hair out then: beautiful, inky straight hair that fell over his shoulders and halfway down his back. Naruto loved that hair, especially when Sasuke allowed him to brush it when they were really supposed to be studying. Until one morning in an angry panic he had hacked it short again with scissors in the bathroom, and never grew it out again. Naruto never asked him too, fearing it would be insensitive to ask, even if he really did find it suited the pale man well.
At the time, Naruto was so upset about the hair he forgot to pay much attention to the fact that Sasuke had smashed in the bathroom mirror with his fist. Small reflective pieces that glittered like scales along with blood on the cheap linoleum floor stood out in memory. He never really thought about how maybe, just maybe Sasuke couldn't stand the sight of his own reflection. Thinking back upon his young ignorance irked him.
Sighing, Naruto closed his eyes and started washing his hair, pushing the memory back down. Sasuke moved sluggishly in front of him, his fingers shaking as they tried to open the top of the wet shampoo bottle.
"Let me, Sasuke." Naruto murmured, grabbing a pale shoulder and gripping it tight. Sasuke didn't struggle, but he didn't lean into the touch, either. He stared at his feet, bangs obscuring his face. Naruto pulled him against his tan chest tight for a moment, pressing a chaste kiss to a fading bruise on Sasuke's tattooed neck.
"Is it ok if I wash your hair?"
Sasuke nodded, and handed him the bottle.
"Thanks." Naruto took it, squirting a liberal amount into his palms. "I'll be careful not to bump your head. Two scars in the same place are nasty enough, eh?"
Sasuke snorted, titling his head back into Naruto's massaging hands. "At least you didn't hit me with a rock this time."
"Just wait." Naruto laughed, stepping closer. "Plenty of time to get cha."
It was some hours later into the later afternoon before Naruto tried to bring up any sort of meaningful conversation. It was strange enough for Naruto to have a Saturday off, but weirder still to spend it silently on the couch watching his partner alternate between sleeping, throwing up, and literally sitting in silence doing nothing. Naruto mitigated a feud between two food runners throughout text messages, played video games, and tried to read, all of which did not fill the empty void the day had become. Feeling restless, he shot some friend messages on Facebook about hanging out later.
Sasuke sat on the other side of the couch in old ripped jeans and a sweater. He laptop rested against his shins, with the intention of doing work. It wasn't turned on, and Naruto didn't have the heart to point it out. The TV was on, but neither of them were paying attention to whatever movie was playing.
Silence got to him finally. "We have to talk about what you said back there, S'uke." Naruto scooted closer, and pulled the laptop out of Sasuke's lap to set it on the coffee table.
Sasuke leaned back into the couch, dumping a cigarette into the already full ashtray. "No, we really don't." The sheen of sweat stood out on his pale forehead, despite the frigid apartment. He hadn't put his bandages back on. An ugly pattern of navy stitches decorated the area in their stead.
"I just hate knowing you feel that way, sometimes."
The simple statement hung in the air between the two of them as Sasuke rubbed his forehead with his hand.
"I know."
"I have to bring it up. I need too." Naruto softly demanded. Usually, Sasuke responded much better to demands than questions.
"Why?' Sasuke questioned, remaining obstinate. He leaned back against the couch fusion, staring at his hands.
"Because. Because I need you. I can't think of life without you." Naruto said sincerely.
"I won't."
"Good. You're going to be ok, right? Are we ok?" Naruto asked. Insecurity clawed at his chest, unable to push it down. Mood swings were common for Sasuke, but the uneasy feeling from yesterday had been impossible to shake. The desire to want to make everything ok for his most precious person and being unable to haunted every hour of the day. The fact that he couldn't was crushing.
Sasuke looked at him then, elegant black eyebrows furrowed. "Why would you ask that?"
"Nevermind." Naruto quickly shot back. "What does it feel like? Withdrawing?"
Sasuke look was exhausted, but his tone was irritated. "Don't ask stupid fucking questions, Naruto."
"Don't need to get so touchy, Christ."
In response, Sasuke stood and walked out of the room. Naruto picked up the remote, sighing, as he heard the dull thud of the bedroom door closing. He switched on the TV but couldn't watch it. Instead, he stared at the carpet beneath his feet as if it could tell him offer him the reassurance he needed to be strong.
It was still only the first day.
Into the evening, Naruto's phone rang with an invitation to go out. Sakura, his old friend from middle school posted an open invitation for an evening at the local pub. Naruto dwelled on the invite, unsure of how to broach the subject with his touchy lover. The last thing he wanted to do was fight on top of the already tense situation. He ignored it for the time being as he crept into the bedroom. Sasuke was sitting up in bed, his glassed beside him and a sickly pallor on his face.
"What can I get you to help?" Naruto asked tentatively, sitting next to him.
Sasuke laughed bitterly. "Nothing, unless you want to go to the ghetto and get me some drugs."
"That's not fucking happening." Naruto's tone was sharp, and harsher than he meant it to be. "I meant food or something, shit."
"Then don't ask what I need to feel better." Sasuke glanced at him, grey eyes sharp. "I can't eat anyway."
"You haven't eaten all day. I'm making you something anyway." Naruto asserted, standing. "Soup?"
Sasuke sighed deeply. "Fine."
Naruto left, pulling the door shut behind him. Cooking would help him feel better, it always did. It was why he entered the culinary arts in the first place, because the concept of making something delicious from nothing always struck him as an unappreciated art. Owning his own restaurant had been his dream since forever. Honestly, it was more surreal than anything that it had actually been realized. What he didn't anticipate was the impossibly long hours, exhausting management practices, and mitigating fights with young inexperienced employees. It was like herding cats, only those cats had chef's knives and the power to drop scalding hot ramen over customers.
Cooking at home was peaceful instead of agitating. Sasuke ate pretty much anything and so did he, allowing for much creative freedom. He set to work making a thick vegetable stew. He cut onions, tomatoes, potatoes and carrots and set them on a slow boil with some leftover broth and spattering of spices. while cooking, Naruto eyed the thick packet with Sasuke's mental diagnosis, unable to bring himself to open it. The more he tried to ignore it the more the innocent looking package of papers itched to be opened. PTSD, he remembered that weird white haired doctor saying, and the dawns of realization came crashing in like a wave: the nightmares, aversions to having his forehead touched, flinching at the sound of gunshots. Habits that seems so normal to Naruto that he simply filed them away as particular character traits of Sasuke that didn't warrant much thought.
Feeling rather ill thinking about it, Naruto resumed cooking and pushed the temptation of the packet out of his mind. In twenty minutes the soup was ready, and Naruto was shocked to notice the time had passed so quickly. He ladled a small steaming portion into a bowl and took it back the bedroom along with another full pill container of evening medication.
Sasuke sat up in bed upon entering, and watched silently as Naruto set the bowl and spoon on the nightstand.
"Sorry if I woke ya. I made something pretty light, so you need to try to eat it ok? And I got your meds to, I think this is the last container for tonight, but I might be wrong."
"I wasn't sleeping." Sasuke coughed harshly after speaking, and reached out to grab the pills. He dry swallowed all five at once. Naruto raised an eyebrow, impressed. A joke almost fell past his lips, but he retrained himself in favor of not getting punched.
It was hard not to notice how Sasuke's hands shook too hard to hold the bowl. A tanned hand pulled it away quickly, setting it back down. He sat on the edge of the bed, and pulled Sauke's hand into his lap. When he didn't resist, Naruto started massaging his palm gently.
"You are not alone, Sasuke. I'm here with you, I'm always going to be with you."
Sasuke refused to meet his eyes. "Todays been really hard."
Naruto smiled reassuringly. "I know, S'uke. Tomorrow will be much better, I promise."
"I need to sleep." The hand pulled away.
"Yeah, of course. I'll leave this here in case you want it."
"Hn." Sasuke grunted, running a hand through his tousled black hair.
"Do you mind if I grab a drink with Sakura and Ino? They finally have the night off."
"No." Sasuke shook his head. "But Naruto, take a jacket, it's going to be cold out. And get something to eat."
"I will, I promise." Naruto smiled as walked to the closet and put on his coat. "Take your meds and get to sleep, Sasuke. No hitting me in the damn head like last night, yeah?"
"I make no promises on that."
"Well, you can try." Naruto leaned down, and titled Sasuke's chin up toward him to kiss him deeply. It was awkward at first, as it took Sasuke by surprise, but he returned the act with equal warmth. The feeling of opening Sasuke opening his mouth against his always made his stomach flutter, even after all these years. "I love you, you know." Naruto pulled away slightly, still holding his head up to face him.
Sasuke looked at him intently, brows furrowed in the middle. He looked so earnestly vulnerable, mouth parted slightly. For once, Sasuke didn't struggle to get away. He held Naruto's piercing gaze. "I know that, Naruto. You too."
It wasn't often Naruto heard those words, but they warmed his heart to the core. It was the only phrase that could ease all the years of loneliness that he had known before those words were first spoken. Naruto's bright blue eyes softened, and he pressed a kiss to Sasuke's cheek. "Ahh, that's my good boy. I'll see you later."
Sasuke smacked Naruto in the shoulder at the statement, who failed to doge it in time but laughed anyway despite the pain.
Naruto stuffed his hands deeper in his pockets as he walked. The air was brisk, yet reliving after so many hours in the apartment. Christmas lights wrapped around tress twinkled in the night as he walked, even though it was not quite December yet. The sight cheered him considerably as he found his way the the bar three blocks down the street. It was a dive, full or neon lights and drunken laughter, but the drinks were strong and cheap.
Ino and Sakura were already there, holding hands and chatting cheerily over glasses of wine. Their long hair, silver white and bright pink, stood out in the crowd of dark crowned heads. Naruto smiled wide as he approached them, waving as he entered the bar. The noise and familiar smell of cigarette smoke enveloped him like an old friend. After greetings, Ino went off to grab more drinks. Naruto slid in the opposite side of the booth, admiring how nice it was to see her, even in the dim bar light. She was wearing a red peacoat and a compassionate smile, and gave his hand a firm squeeze upon sitting down.
Sakura hated that fact that he smoked on principal as a nurse, yet tactfully kept it to herself. Naruto lit up as Ino arrived with their gin and tonics in hand. Fuck, it was good to be outside, having a drink. His heart stung with guilt as he thought of Sasuke at home alone. 'I need this,' He reassured himself. 'I can't be strong if I don't take time for myself too.'
Sakura's voice, light and musical cut through his internal monologue like paper. "So Naruto, tell me how the situation is going." Sakura asked. "I know you told me a little about it last night online, but how is he doing? Is he ok?" Once upon a time in childhood, Sakura had a strong crush on Sasuke, despite his unavailability. The three had always remained close, despite feelings getting hurt.
"I mean, physically, he's a mess. He's barfing and shaking and it's fucking awful to watch." Naruto paused, taking a long sip of his drink. And he's not talking to me, he's being a really withdrawn asshole, honestly, even thought I'm trying to help. But I can't help at all, and it fucking 's saying something because he doesn't talk too much on the regular, ya know?"
Ino and Sakura nodded knowingly. Ino piped up first, testing her words carefully. "I mean, haven't you guy's relationship always been… stressful?"
Sakura nodded and chimed in. "Like why do you think he's reacting that way?"
Naruto scrathed his head as he considered it. "He always has. I guess I never really thought about it much, it's just how he is."
Ino leaned in, speaking up in order to be heard in the din of the bar. "Do you think he might be scared? What make you get to know him anyway?" Ino, having been transferred from a neighboring police unit only a year ago hadn't been in Tokyo long enough to understand their backstory.
"i think Sasuke does it because he's scared…" Naruto confessed, staring at his hands. "I mean, I don't know, truly. I wanted to hate him, when I met him. I guess I was about nine, and I lived at that orphanage for as long as I remember. And all the girls loved him and so did the teachers, but he was always alone, acting so cool…but I felt he was the only person who could understand me. I mean, that sounds dumb since everyone was alone really, but he was different." Naruto took a sip of water as the memories flooded back to him. Fuck, it felt good to candidly talk about the past.
Sakura smiled patiently at him, encouraging him to continue. "Was he really cool as he pretended to be? Since I was one of those girls."
"He was until he was asleep, haha. We had the only room of our age group so we were alone, and he would scream in his sleep a lot. I guess thats when we became close, cause I pushed my bed right up against his and never told anybody about it." Naruto reflected. He took a long sip of his drink. " I think that's why, ya know, he trusted me well enough. It didn't stop us from fighting constantly though. One upping each other and all that. We always beat each other up in public and slept side by side in private, and well, you guys know how it turned out, haha."
Sakura titled her head to the side and let out a musical laugh. "And now you two beat each other up in private and hold hands in public, how times have changed!"
"Shut up!" Naruto exclaimed, a hint of red creeping up his cheeks. Ino laughed and tucked her arm around Sakura.
"I won't tell. Us bisexuals gotta stick together, hm?" Sasukra teased, as Ino rolled her eyes and smiled.
"Right." Naruto agreed. "But it's just fucked up right now."
"How so?" She inquired.
"I don't know Sakura." Naruto said somberly, and Sakura notched for the first time exactly how tired her friend looked: Large bags under bright blue eyes, with a stubbled chin. The rumbled dark clothes didn't suit him either, usually the tall handsome blonde wore bright, well fitted things. "I'm afraid he's going to try to run away again or something."
Ino chimed in, tossing a glossy white ponytail over her shoulder. "Naruto, that was ages ago, right? Don't be silly."
Naruto shrugged. "Yeah, but I really can't forget it. It was the worst time in my life, even if it was just a couple months."
"Look." Sakura said. "He's probably not going to do that again. He betrayed your trust right now because he kept the drug thing from you, and that was shitty. But Sasuke's always done what he wants, and never thought about the consequences much. Honestly, I don't think he knows how to. And I don't think he meant to hurt you, he's always been pretty intent on hurting himself. You have to realize you aren't the easiest person to love either, though. You two have build up this thing you have for years, you can't let yourself get discouraged because it's not working out perfectly right now."
The girls gave him sympathetic smiles, and Ino raised an eyebrow as she spoke. "You both work to much, Naruto. You two need to take some time off.. and not time sitting alone in that dilapated apartment of yours. Do something kind for each other. And try to remember that Sasuke hasn't had much of a chance to deal with emotions in a healthy way."
Naruto nodded, soaking in the words of reality as a thirsty man drinks water. "You're right, Ino. See, this is why I need to see you guys more. You two make everything clear."
"It's because men are stupid with feelings, you can't help it. And you two are practically socially retarded anyway. It would be impossible to know you guy's dynamic if I hadn't been forced to watch it for forever, forcing you two to stop being stubborn." Sakura stated haughtily.
Naruto downed the rest of his drink and extinguished his cigarette. "An impossible task, I know. He's too fucking smart for me, I have no idea what he's thinking half the time." He smiled. "Let's get more drinks, yeah?"
The girls gave him devilishly attractive smiles in return. "Shots all around." Ino declared, and walked to the bar again.
"Naruto?" Sakura gave hims serious look.
"Yeah?"
"You're just as smart, in the opposite direction. But don't forget why you two work, because you don't think like him. He needs that." Sakura said bluntly.
Naruto raised an eyebrow and considered it seriously. "I'll try to remember that."
Naruto stumbled into the apartment 4 gin and tonics and a shot or two later. It was dark, and the blonde shed layers of clothing on the way to the bedroom. He decided to forgo brushing his teeth until morning. The thick overcoat came first, then the black pullover that revealed a taut and swirling tattooed chest. His pants came next, disposed of at the edge of the bed. Sasuke laid on his side shirtless in a pair of tight black boxers. Naruto admired his lithe sleeping form, before arranging the blanket over him. Sasuke had a horrible habit of kicking everything off of him in his sleep.
Naruto climbed under the covers, facing Sasuke. He did look peaceful, and Naruto wondered if the sleeping pills were finally regulating his patterns. Naruto kissed his forehead gently. He smelled like shampoo and their sheets and Naruto wished he could kiss him properly, lay him down and show his love with his fingers and lips as best he could until Sasuke smiled and laughed beneath him. That was his favorite Sasuke, the one with grasping hands and a willing mouth sharp with clever remarks. Instead he kissed his cheek, settling his pillow down closer to the other man.
"N..naruto." Sasuke mumbled half asleep, reaching his hand out. His eyelashes fluttered open briefly, noting the other presence in bed beside him. Naruto grabbed it, holding the hand to his chest.
"Sasuke. I'm home." Naruto whispered.
"Mhhph." Sasuke pushed closer, closing his eyes again. He intertwined their fingers in a sleepy instinctive gesture. "Good."
"Yeah?" Naruto kissed the pale fingers, murmuring against knuckles. "I love coming home to you, you know." He hiccuped loudly.
"Oh? You're.. drunk." Sasuke breathed out.
"Sorry… They kept buying me rounds." Naruto felt a pang of nervousness deep in his chest. "Are you ok? I shouldn't have left."
"S'okay. I don't mind." Sasuke grasped tightly to his hand. "Yeah."
"Yeah what?"
Sasuke didn't answer. Naruto watched his face intently in the dark, and admired the way the street lights laid patterns from the blinds across Sasuke's sleeping form. His nervousness abated, he fell fast asleep.