The game went smoothly, as did the next four. The balls on the table floated in and out of constellations, ones he knew and many he didn't. They had to play until one of them had won fair and square, or until they ran out of cubits or ambrosia. Luckily all three things coincided. She was drunk, he was too.

"We are in no condition to drive." Lee practically slurred in her ear.

"You sir, appear to be drunk. I can call you sir right?" She replied with a giggle.

"Yes you can. I don't think we can go back to Delphi."

"I don't want to anyways."

"Me neither." He wrapped an arm around her as they stumbled out of the bar.

Across the street was a field. It appeared to be hay. She looked up at him with a devilish smile.

"We can camp!" She announced it like it was the answer to all of their problems."Gimme keys." She reached out her fingers and poked him pocket. "Gimme!"

"You are not driving anywhere."

"'m not driving, I'm getting stuff out of the truck."She looked at him like a petulant child.

"Fine, but I've got my eye on you Thrace."

"Yes, sir!" She salute in an over exaggerated way as he rifled out the keys. "Ta da!" She said as she pulled out two sleeping bags and a lantern.

"What else you got in your magic trunk?"

She reached in and pulled out another bottle of booze.

"That's the kind of magic I can get behind!" He laughed as they headed across the street. Somehow with the starlight and each other they felt they could survive anything.

As they trudged through the field they moved further and further away from reality. The grass was high and if he didn't follow directly behind her he'd get lost. He almost did, but she came back for him. He adamantly swore that they were going the wrong way. She knew that there wasn't one.

Lee did have a chip on his shoulder. He told her once that he blamed his father for Zak's death. Bill had pushed his sons to follow in old Husker's footsteps. Lee had wanted to be a lawyer like grandpa, instead he ended up Apollo. Zak wanted to play pyramid professionally, instead he ended up dead. Kara couldn't believe that the old man had it in him to push his sons. She always figured it was Carolanne's fault. The woman came from a long line of Admirals, she would naturally expect her sons to follow suit. She had after all gotten Bill and that rotten best friend of his, Saul, reinstated. Kara had always wanted to ask him how he ended up getting discharged in the first place, but she also knew some skeletons deserved the closets that they were kept in.

All through dinner he kept looking at her. Piece by piece he was killing her insides. Glance by glance he was eating away at her resolve. She was unraveling. The ambrosia wasn't helping. The generic conversation was only making things worse. All she wanted to do was get up from this table and run out. She couldn't do that to the old man. This had nothing to do with him.

They opened the sleeping bags to make one large sleeping area. They had almost done it subconsciously, not realizing how they were setting things up. When she lay down she had a huge sloppy grin on her face. Her eyes flashed with something he couldn't quite put his finger on when she patted the blanket next to her for him to join her. He did. He couldn't help himself. His blue eyes speared her; she had to see if she could crawl behind them. She wanted nothing more in the whole world than to be here, in this moment, right now.

There are moments when no matter how drunk you are, you have a startling sober moment of clarity. They both knew exactly what they were doing as they embraced. No ambrosia could have produced the chemistry between them; it could only offer the catalyst to set off their personal reaction. They mauled each other, hungry, desperate, so full of nothing that they needed each other to fill the void. Pants and tanks and boots and underwear were scattered around them. They couldn't be naked fast enough, they needed to feel each other, they needed to be consumed by the other. Grief has a strange way of magnetizing people, even more so when the pull was already there. The act was full of passion, and when she moaned his name into his ear he nearly died. It was the greatest thing he had ever heard, she sounded so vulnerable, so sad. When the act was done he spooned behind her and held her beneath the second bag. They never spoke a word.

She could feel her anger, her shame, and her guilt boiling up in her. She had to get away from this table. She excused herself and stood too quickly, her feet were unsteady. Lee instinctively reached out an arm to steady her. She pulled away a little too harshly. It had been a kind gesture, but she was having none of it. She grabbed her pack of cigarettes and walked out onto the balcony on the back of the apartment. She never smoked in the old man's apartment. She thought it was disrespectful, he didn't smoke, there was no reason he needed to put up with her ugly suicidal habits.

The sun had just set and the whole city was illuminated with street lights. The cherry on her cigarette glowed and crackled. If she could just pull herself together, she could sober up enough to get the hell out of there. She wanted away from that blonde bombshell. She wanted to go back to her crap-hole little apartment, put on a tape and paint. She wanted to write angry poems, she wanted to get smashed; she wanted to grab the first unsuspecting guy and drag him home, get her rocks off and kick his ass out. In order to do any of these things, she would have to make it through another hour of this. She could suck it up, she could do this, if she lived 18 years with her demon of a mother, surely another hour of this wouldn't kill her. She was wrapped up in her own head when she heard the flick of a lighter behind her.

The next morning they woke up in a dew covered field. Her head pounded, she must have drank enough to put half the Fleet under. Only when she tried to move did she realize that another body was entangled with hers. She scooted to see in whose arms she had ended up this time. It must have been a record, barely an almost-widow for 72 hours and she was already asleep in another man's arms. Arms that just happened to belong to the brother of said dead fiancé. In her head she could almost not believe herself. He was warm though, and when she shifted he mumbled in his sleep "Don't go."

She wanted nothing more than to flee at that moment, but she couldn't just abandon him in a field in a no name hick town could she? Was she that cruel? She was not known for having a big loving heart, but even to her this seemed, well, it seemed bad. She shifted out of his arms, looking for her clothes. With the exception of the underwear it was hard to tell whose clothes were whose. Only if she looked at the name tag inside could she really tell. She laced up her boots, and looked over at him. It was the first time she had seen him at peace. She also knew he was going to regret this night for the rest of his life. Somewhere deep down inside she kicked herself, because she knew she wouldn't.

She cringed when she heard that lighter snap shut. Gianne wasn't the type to smoke, the old man only smoked cigars after successful missions, that left only one body to follow her out here.

"I was waiting for you to flee."

"Had I know that I would have run out an hour ago." The words fell out of her mouth like broken glass. Each word stung. "Can't you ever just leave me alone?"

"I thought there had been enough of that."

"So tonight you finally decide to grace us with your presence?"

"Us?"

"Yeah, me and your dad. We've been doing this every month since, since it happened."

"I know, I've just been busy."

"Yeah I can see that, she's lovely, really. I'm sure you'll produce many adorable blue eyed ankle biters."

"Whoa Kara, we're just dating."

"It doesn't look like that to me." Kara finally turned around to look at him, "She keeps rubbing her ring finger. You probably don't notice it, but she's itching for a ring. I think your window of opportunity is shrinking Lee."

"And to think I just wanted to come out and see how you were."

"Me? Oh, I'm great. Your dad just got me reassigned to Galactica. I'll be shipping out from the Caprican Transfer Station in two weeks time."

"You always did want to end up back on a Battlestar."

"Why would you care what I want?" She mumbled as she turned back around.

When he woke up she was gone. His clothes were dumped in a pile next to him, but she was gone. His head was in a bad way, and he felt more than a little nauseous. It took him a minute to piece together the night before. By the time he was steady enough to stand up he was mostly dressed. He rolled up the sleeping bags as best as he could. Bending over wasn't in his best interest. He was about to head back the direction he thought they came from when he heard a rustling in the grass behind him.

"I figured if I didn't come back you'd get lost out here." She approached with a bottle of water and something that resembled food. "You're gonna want this, and these." She opened up her hand to reveal some pain killers. "Mine are already on board. We better get going. I need to get you back to the Transfer Station."

She was acting like nothing had happened the night before. He couldn't wrap his head around it. What they had done wasn't exactly the best idea, but to act like it never happened? That just seemed, well it seemed unfair. Hadn't she felt what he had felt? What they did wasn't right, but it was somehow one of the best things he had ever done in his life. Clearly she regretted having done this, and wanted nothing more than to get rid of him as soon as possible.

She grabbed one of the bed rolls, and led him back to the truck. She had the keys from the night before, and he climbed into the passenger seat. She rifled through the glove box and handed him a pair of sunglasses. He knew instinctively that they had been Zak's. She revved the engine more than she needed to and squealed the tires leaving the station. She headed back to the main road and back to Delphi as quickly as possible.

He wanted to say something. She wanted to say something, but nothing seemed right for either of them.

Kara tamped out her cigarette before he could get another word in, and tossed it off the balcony. She turned to go back in but he was blocking the door.

"Excuse me." She said, but she wouldn't look up at him.

"Kara," he said and reached out an arm to her, "Please, we haven't talked since…"

"Don't do this Lee, don't dredge up old memories, past mistakes, just leave them where they belong." She could feel her voice start to waver, and she clenched and unclenched her fists. If it had been anyone else, and had she been anywhere other than where she was right now, she would have decked him.

"So that's what I am to you, some mistake, some bad memory?" She could hear his will breaking as he said the words.

"Isn't that what I am to you? I mean clearly I am not what you want."

"Kara, frak, I..." He begged with his eyes and his voice and she couldn't bear another minute of it. She pushed past him and back into the apartment. If he was going to say hurtful things, she didn't want to be there to hear them. She had heard enough talk like that to last her lifetime, she sure as shit didn't need it from him.

The adrenaline was pulsing through her body, and her fight or flight response kicked into overdrive. Generally after dinner she and the old man enjoyed a walk around the neighborhood. He would tell her old war stories, and she would tell him the tales and adventures of Kara Thrace. Tonight she just couldn't bring herself to do it.

"Commander, I'm sorry, but I really need to get going. It's been a long day, and dinner was great, but I really need to be getting home."

"Don't worry about it Kara." He looked down at her like he knew that she just couldn't be in there one more minute. "Are you okay to drive, Lee could take you home."

"I've had quite enough of him for one evening, and I am sure I am fine. It's only a 10 minute drive, and this late it shouldn't be busy." She grabbed her coat out of the closet and felt for the keys in the pocket. Bill marveled at how she could dress casually, and still leave the house in the trashed leather jacket with paint smears all over it. It was Kara though, and he understood that.

"Okay, I just don't want anything to happen to my ace pilot before she gets on board my ship." He said with a warm smile.

"Don't worry sir, I'll be just fine." He offered her a squeeze around the shoulders as she opened the door.

"See you in two weeks, I expect you to join me for dinner in my quarters your first night on board."

"I know, I know." She said with a smile as she walked down the hallway.

Lee nearly knocked his father down, "Where is she going?"

"She's heading home, she has things to do. I'm sorry she didn't say good bye." Bill felt as though he was clearly missing something, but knew it was probably better not to ask.

"Gods dammit!" Lee nearly growled at his father as he rushed past him, and down the hall.

Gianne finally had gotten up from the table to see what was going on. "Commander Adama, where's Lee going?"

"He needed to say goodbye to Kara, I'm sure he'll be right back." He turned and closed the door. "Could you help me get the dishes into the kitchen, I'm going to be washing all night without some help."

"Sure, of course." Bill could hear the defeated sound in her voice, and could see the glint fade out of her eyes. She also seemed to know something that he wasn't being told, but he didn't dare to ask.

She dropped him off at the personnel entrance for the Transfer Station. As usual for Lee when the words he needed to say needed to be said they got stuck in his throat. He wanted to tell her that he wanted to see her again. That he wanted to find excuses to come back to Delphi, excuses that weren't family related. Instead, he choked.

"See you 'round Lee." She smiled at him, and he could feel her sadness sweep over him.

"Kara, I, I," He was floundering, "I hope to see you soon." He would have kicked himself in his mouth if he could have. He could see whatever hope had been behind her eyes was now gone, he blew it.

"Yeah, don't be a stranger or something." She said as she pulled away.

Driving away she could see him in the rear view mirror, he raised a hand to her and she just looked ahead at the road. It was better than glancing backwards at the past.

He got to the parking garage with enough time to catch her. He waved her down in a way that there was no way she could pass him; no way she could act like she missed seeing him. She reached over and rolled down the passenger side window, but she was too late, he had already opened the door.

"Lee," She started to protest but he was already across the seat, and had taken her face in his hands.

"Just stop Kara, stop telling me who I am." He said right before he kissed her. It was a kiss that she so desperately needed and absolutely feared. She gave into it for a second, maybe two, and then pushed him off of her.

"Get the frak off of me Lee!"

He sank down into the passenger seat.

"What are you doing? You have a perfect little girlfriend who's waiting upstairs, and you're down here in the frakking basement kissing me."

"But, Kara, I meant to…" He tried to object, it was a good thing he hadn't of been a lawyer, when it mattered words always failed him.

"Meant to what?"

"I wanted to tell you…"

"Tell me to stop telling you who you are? Well Lee, who am I? Can you tell me that much? Who am I to you? I'm just the sister in law you almost had, and the mistake you did." The words came out of her with more anger than she intended. Sometimes what she bottled up she didn't even remember until it was uncorked on someone else.

"Kara, you're not a…" His mouth was moving too slowly, his brain was moving too fast.

"Just get the frak out of my truck and go back to your life, please Lee. I've ruined one Adama boy and I don't want to do it to another." She pushed on him, and he easily slid towards the open door.

Once he was out of the truck she didn't wait for him to close the door. If she gunned it hard enough it would close on her own and she could get out of there before any more damage was done. Hot tears rolled down her cheeks, but she wasn't crying, no, she didn't cry.

This time she never looked in the rearview mirror. The past didn't lead her anywhere, and there was no reason to see it falling away.

Prologue

The week before she left for Galactica she saw it in the paper: a color photo announcing the engagement of Captain Leland "Apollo" Adama to Gianne Korrine Josephson. She barely recognized the man in the photo as Lee, it didn't even look like him. She needed to remember to paint over what she had written on her wall for him. It was a version of him she had only imagined in her mind.

Methodically smoking my cigarette
Every breath I breathe out the day
With every delicious sip
I drink away the night
Stroking my hair to
The beat of his heart
Watching a boy turn into a man