This is not a crack fic it's a fic about a jerk who learns to love and has to overcome his own laziness so he can fulfill his destiny.
But making it dark and gritty is sooooooo 2008 fanfiction.
Chapter 2
Integration sucks.
*Plop…* Naruto groaned as his head met the ground. The light had blinded him so much that he had fallen down the stairs and into the street.
In all honesty, he felt pathetic, stupid, and extremely irritated.
"Hahaha, smooth kid…" The demon had a playful grin.
That comment didn't help at all.
"Shut up, fox…" Naruto growled as he got up and rubbed his light-sensitive eyes, noticing an array of curious and annoyed stares, courtesy of his favorite, friendly villagers.
"What you bitches looking at!?" The blonde yelled, causing everyone to stare; they had NEVER heard the blonde boy curse. There was an awkward silence as the entire street focused their attention on the blonde boy.
It was like a thousand eyes were staring at his soul.
"Hey! I tripped! Have a problem with that!?" Naruto asked mildly annoyed. He then was shoved in the face with another fistful of irritation.
"Mommy!? What was that word the boy sa-"
"Just walk away honey! Pretend he doesn't exist." A woman was hurrying her kid away from the blonde menace.
Said blonde menace had his eye twitching, an exasperated sigh leaving his lips as he headed towards the academy, trying to ignore the looks of disgust from the villagers.
That being said, he very well heard the whispers of distaste from their lips.
"What type of kid curses in front of a five year old?'
"I know right?"
The comments continued, etching away at the ninja's patience. Honestly, why did the fox make him want to react with the world more...
"I hate you Kurama…" Naruto bit, although exasperatedly.
"Oh, I love you too…" A fierce snicker resounded throughout the beast's cage.
"No seriously, you tire me out."
"Watching TV tires you out. That hardly says anything."
Naruto let out a growl. The fox had a point, but he would be damned if it had the last snide remark. He tapped his chin for a second, before a smirk adorned his face.
"At least I don't have rabbit ears."
"FUCK Y-" Naruto smiled as he cut off the connection.
(The academy fifteen minutes later)
The orange enigma sighed happily as he arrived at the academy. The other genin were talking amongst themselves, pretending he didn't exist. It was a sight to behold, one filled with such promise of peace that it filled him with bliss. He could finally rest. Walking to an open seat in the middle of the classroom, he laid his head down on the smooth mahogany. Ahh, mahogany.
But alas, fate had different plans for the blonde.
"I GOT HERE FIRST, INO-PIG!" he sound of a door being ripped open resounded throughout the classroom.
"NUH-UH, FOREHEAD!" A mob of banshees followed the girls as the sound in the room escalated three thousand decibels.
"Oh dear god… why… WHY!?" Naruto almost cried as the high pitched wails pierced his ears. It was like a drill of screeched were burrowing into his ears, his beautiful, sexy ears. He needed to make sure they didn't notice him, otherwise they would prey upon him.
He dared not raise his head lest the predators noticed him. However his efforts were for naught; they could smell his fear.
"Naruto, get up! You're in the seat next to Sasuke-kun!" Oh dear lord… it was the pink-haired one. Why did his clone like this one? She was so loud!
The blonde remained motionless, hoping her own voice would tire her out. It didn't.
"HEY I'M TALKING TO YOU DUMMY!" A sigh met her irritation, causing a vein to bulge on her neck. "What was that!?" a chorus of agreement met the girl's exclamation, being further aroused as a lazy blue orb cracked open to gaze at them.
"You need something?" Naruto yawned as he cracked his neck.
"…" The girl was speechless. The blonde was so aloof, no he was just apathetic, with a slight hint of irritation. It was the complete opposite of his normal everyday behavior. It was quite alarming actually. "S-stop acting so cool!" she stuttered, shaken off her game. "And move!"
Naruto just gave her a long, hard stare in response. "Why?"
"What do you mean, why!?"
"I'm asking the questions here." He said sternly, stunning everyone at his rudeness. The boy had just talked back to his lifelong crush. Something was wrong. Even Sasuke's eyes widened as he looked at the scene in fascination.
"…" Sakura only stared back, mouth agape.
"Why," Naruto asked in irritation, his fingers drumming on the desk, "should I move when I got here first?"
"B-because, your annoying and you'll just end up getting into another fight with Sasuke-kun." Sakura saw Naruto flare his nose before he turned to Sasuke.
"Uchiha-san?"
Sasuke blinked for a few seconds as he composed himself, stunned by Naruto's politeness.
Something had changed about the boy, something Sasuke couldn't place his finger on. Normally, he would've called him an imposter because of the change in behavior, but the boy's chakra signature was the exact same… just… stronger…
It also hard for the boy to move because Naruto was unleashing a thick miasma of killing intent that lashed out against everyone in the classroom, enough to paralyze a pack of wolves into submission… and the blonde didn't even know he was doing it.
"Y-yes?" Oh god, was he afraid?
"Am I annoying you?"
"Um, no…" Dear god, he was afraid.
"Do you mind if I sit here?"
A pause. "Go ahead." The Uchiha responded, shaking slightly.
"Thank you…" Naruto smiled weakly as he turned to Sakura, leaving Sasuke blinking, the entire fangirl squadron agape, and the rest of the class stunned.
"Now tell me…" His eyes narrowed. "Does being annoying justify kicking me out of my seat? I think it hardly qualifies unless you want to be a genuine ass."
Again Sakura stood in shock, unable to register the comments the boy said.
The two just stared at each other, the tension in the air thick enough that you could cut it with a knife.
"Well, I'm waiting…" his fingers drummed the desk harshly.
"W-what… what happened to you?" Sakura asked hesitantly.
" I'm pissed…" Naruto stated quietly… "I'm tired… and your voice…" He paused as he glared at the rest of the legion of fangirls. "No." He banged the desk, displaying an insane amount of physical strength as the desk split beneath his fist.
It frankly horrified everybody.
"All your voices make me want to rip out my goddamn ears. They're so high pitched, so screechy! What the hell!?" He growled while baring a pair of developed canines. "And furthermore, you don't think I get tired of your constant bitching about me." He stood up as he approached the fangirls, making them step back.
He almost roared. "The bitchosity as you complain about every little thing I do: my taijutsu, my weapon accuracy, my speed, my freaking ninjutsu…" His killing intent was suffocating everybody. It was as if they were flowers in a garden, and he was a raging dragon. Kids were actually on the verge of fainting, unable to breathe out of fear.
But then they were spared.
"…*huff*…" Naruto sighed as he took another breath. "Goddamn memories…" He muttered under his breath. He licked his lips as he calmed himself, noticing how everyone was backed up against the wall.
"Fuck…" He looked at the scene around him, almost sighing as he looked around him. "Wow..." He looked to the stunned form of the fangirls. He scratched his cheek nervously. "I think I should leave..." He left the room, nobody daring to look at him, lest he bite their head off. "You can have the seat."
It was at this moment that Iruka walked into the room, noticing how everyone seemed to be staring at Sakura's stunned reaction.
"…" a vein appeared on Iruka's head. "Really!?"
It shocked everyone out of their stupor, leaving Sakura the only one to speak up.
"Iruka-sens-"
"STOP BREAKING EVERYTHING SAKURA! SERIOUSLY!"
Nobody defended her because of their newfound fear of Naruto Uzumaki.
"Bu-"
"You've broken everything in the past years: chairs, desks, walls! You have any idea how much it all costs!?"
(With Naruto in an empty classroom across the hall.)
Naruto sighed as he looked at the room, a feeling of relief washing over his small frame.
This is what he wanted: peace, silence, and tranquility. He could rest in comfort.
He smiled as he laid down, resting his head, welcoming the smooth surface of mahogany. Yet, before he even got a few moments of relaxed sleep, he was interrupted.
"You really suck at the art of the gab my boy."
Naruto rubbed his eyes, groaning in frustration. "Kurama, I'm tired…"
"You like gay porn?"
"…" Naruto was speechless. That had taken a completely different direction than expected.
"You need to apologize…"
"What do you want me to do? I think I permanently scarred them for life." He said in exasperation.
"Bitch, they'll get over it. I'm talking about making fun of my ears!"
"…" The blonde shook his head. Of course it was the ears.
"… I'm waiting…" It grinned devilishly.
"…" Naruto just shrugged and tried going back to sleep.
"Do you like your men oily?" Naruto jolted up and could have sworn that the fox was rolling on the floor in silent laughter.
"How can you stand those images?!" He screamed mentally. "You have to conjure them up and send them to me!" Naruto face twisted into one of repulsion.
"You're finally listening to me. I don't care." It whined like a child.
"Touché, I'm sorry…"
"I'll take it!" The fox grinned in its moment of victory before it frowned within its cage, resting its massive head on its paws. "Naruto…" It paused in hesitation. "Do you know what karma is?"
"Yes, I'm very well aware of what karma is. I'm Hindu."
"You eat beef." It deadpanned.
"And I thank the cow spirits for their delicious sacrifice." Naruto did not take his religion that seriously.
"Dammit Naruto." The fox chuckled slightly, a hint of annoyance laced in it voice."I swear, you're gonna meet a beautiful woman one day, one who is scarier, stronger, and smarter than you." The fox smiled. "And she's gonna make you fall in love with her… she'll change you, make you into a better man… "
"Kurama, despite the fact that is totally random." Who the hell was he kidding; the fuck? "...and ludicrous, I will never fall in love with a woman. They're too much trouble. They always complain about everything, and when their junk starts bleeding they turn into freaking demons… Seriously, they're just nice to look at."
"… and you'll be her little bitch…"
Wait, what?
"Kurama, are you even listening to me…?"
"…you'll keep on coming back for the mind blowing sex…"
Naruto was kinda glad he wasn't in the cage right now. The slobbering sounds that the fox made were a little unsettling.
"…Kurama?"
"… and every night will be a fierce whirlwind of burning passion."
He didn't even bother speaking anymore.
"Your bodies will be joined like pieces of Velcro."
Naruto's had a look of utter disgust staining his face. That was it. "What the fuck Kurama?"
"I'm just telling your Karma, Naruto. You will fall in love with a woman who will make you actually give a damn, and she will cause you as much pain and agony as you do to everyone around you."
Out of all the goddamn things to say. "…Why?"
"Because I can predict the future, blondie!"
"Then how come you're stuck inside my gut?" Naruto deadpanned.
"It happens spontaneously…" The fox muttered under its breath, crossing its arms in disgust.
"…riiiiigggght…."
The conversation ended right there as Naruto resumed snoring, enjoying the nice hard mahogany against his skin.
*Knock* *Knock* Knock*
The orange-clad boy yawned as he woke up from a nice nap.
"Come in…"
A silver-haired ninja walked in, his hair defying gravity. The sight of the man caused Naruto to stare.
"Kami, how much hair gel do you use?"
"…" This caused the man to eye-smile through his only visible eye. "Not any actually!" He chuckled softly.
"That's impossible…" Naruto whispered in awe. He wished his hair was that cool. Honestly, the way it glimmered in the light just screamed sexiness and badassery.
"Okay, okay enough flattery. Meet me up at the roof." The man vanished in a swirl of leaves. Naruto blinked before shrugging and walking upstairs. In a few minutes he was up, noticing the forms of Sakura and Sasuke waiting patiently…
"Crap…" Naruto muttered. "Kami hates me." Why oh why was he pa… oh yeah, he gave his clone an IQ of 78… that was dumb on hindsight.
Karma was a bitch.
"Hah, told yah!" He hated when Kurama did that.
Needless to say at the sight of him, Sakura stiffened, while Sasuke narrowed his eyes. He had officially made them wary of him.
"They'll get over it! They just need to see the awesome side of you!" Kyuubi chimed in to cheer up his friend.
"What awesome side?" Naruto mentally inquired, quirking his eyebrow.
The fox opened its mouth in excitement before pausing "I got nothing…" Its ears drooped down.
"Thank you," the blonde chuckled. "Trying to impress them would be too much work anyways." He smiled.
"You nearly gave them heart attacks... and you rather ignore them than actually give a damn?" The fox sighed in frustration once again.
"I love you too." The blonde sat down a safe distance away from his teammates. It was truly an interesting sight for Kakashi Hatake as he saw two Genin edging away from the blonde, who was yawning in boredom.
"…well, ain't this a joyful festival of love?" The Jonin quirked his eyebrow as he observed the Genin. Oh boy, these kids would fail his test hard.
Needless to say Kakashi tried to get the team to introduce themselves, but he got nothing, strangely. The two Gennin refused to give straight answer in front of the blonde; there was something odd going on. Also, the blonde said he was too tired to introduce himself.
He honestly didn't know what to say to that. He had never gotten that response, ever. It was as if the boy didn't care about being a ninja at all.
In order to get a better reaction, he had tried to scare them with the news of a test that they would have to do to become actual Genin… the two actually showed some anxiety, like normal people. However the blonde just stared at him before yawning. That kid had an unusual amount of apathy.
Yep, something was off about him.
(The next day)
Sakura and Sasuke waited patiently for their sensei.
It was an awkward silence to say the least; you could probably hear a pin drop. Sasuke just sat on a tree branch, while Sakura leaned against the trunk.
They had stood there awkwardly for the past fifteen minutes, until the pinkette opened her mouth.
"Sasuke…" Sakura said hesitantly.
"Yes…" The Uchiha responded lazily, out of boredom.
The girl paused for a second, before willing the urge to ask her question. "… Am I a bitch?" Sasuke blinked, nearly falling off his tree branch.
The hell did that come from?
"W-why do you say that?" Sasuke asked, shocked.
"…" The Uchiha saw the girl lip quiver as she leaned tiredly against the tree. "Because, Naruto used to adore me…" her head drooped down.
Oh dear god, a tragic epiphany.
"Every day, when I would walk to school he would always greet me with that dopey grin of his. He viewed me like I could do no wrong…" She was sniffling as tears formed.
Sasuke couldn't believe it...
"He was like my prince charming…"
Especially that.
"...whenever I was in a bad mood he would always saying something to cheer me up. I…" she sniffled some more. "… mistreated him…" Tears began to fall. "I'm the biggest bitch in the world! I would beat him up everyday…" she couldn't wipe away all the tears.
This couldn't get any worse.
"All because I thought you were cute!" She screeched. "All because I wanted your attention... all because of my stupid fixation on you!" She bawled even more.
Yep, it just got worse.
Sasuke's jaw hung open. He was not trained to handle this. He was literally the worst person to handle this situation.
"… and now he looks at me with disgust, like I'm a freak with two heads." Sasuke could literally feel the sorrow coming off from the girl; she was truly torn about her entire existence.
"Ummm…" He just stared at the situation, aloss for words.
She just cried, mumbling about how sorry she was…
"Ummm…" He just stared, afraid to approach her. "Ummm…" He heard footsteps, and he saw the most amazing thing in his life. It was as if Kami-sama himself had graced the world with his presence.
Naruto walked lazily, before his eyes widened. He noticed the intense sobbing of a girl… it was Sakura, hysterically holding onto a tree in tears.
He then noticed Sasuke was looking at him as if asking for the biggest favor in his entire life, almost as if Naruto did this one thing, he would gladly give up his life several times over for him.
The blonde was stunned, completely lost in what to do.
If Sasuke was the worst person to handle situation, then there was no word in the dictionary to describe how utterly ill-equipped Naruto was in dealing with this situation.
"Kurama…?"
"You need help?"
"… that's an understatement. What the hell is happening?"
"… it seems as if the pink banshee is sorry for what she did and wishes for your forgiveness…"
"I seriously doubt that…"
"It's the truth…"
"What am I supposed to do?"
"Act like a person who gives a damn!"
"I kinda don't…"
"I said act dammit! Just try to give two shits about others' feelings for once!"
"Why? She's not exactly the nicest person…"
"Because you got to learn to be the bigger man in life!"
"That sounds like a lot of work."
"GODDAMIT NARUTO!" Naruto winced as the fox nearly burst open his eardrums. This situation was horrible; how was he going to fix this before Kakashi arrived?
To make matters worse, said silver-haired nin chose this moment to appear.
The man just stared awkwardly at the scene before him, looking back and forth between each of the prospective Genin.
"…I don't get paid enough for this…" He rubbed his temples irritably. "You guys will probably be the worst team in the entire existence." He shrugged. "Screw it, you all fail…" The ice in his voice cut deep into Sasuke and Sakura's hearts as they just stared in shock, completely dismayed as they froze in place.
Now Naruto was a very interesting child, he hated people, despised them, and yet as soon as he saw the looks of speechless horror upon his two comrades… it enraged him. The boy was lazy, apathetic about everything, but if there was one shred of good about him, it was to never to let his own actions change the lives of other people unjustly.
If Naruto would admit one thing it was this; his team wouldn't be acting like this if it wasn't for him, if it wasn't for his little outburst back there everything would be fine.
Plus he would never live it down if those two people failed right now, he would be blamed for the rest of his life, and that was much more trouble than it was worth.
"Now you listen here…" Naruto growled. "They shouldn't suffer. If you're going fail somebody it should be me."
Kakashi blinked, completely surprised from what the boy said. "That's impossible, there can only be a three man squad." He responded coolly.
"Then don't fail us…" Naruto responded simply.
"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't?" Kakashi edged dangerously close to the blonde boy, his killing intent flooding the area in roaring fury.
Naruto chuckled, unfazed. "Because… I'll make you regret it…"
"You couldn't if you tried." Kakashi's voice rasped with a cool edge that seemed to cut the other two genin's hoped even further down.
However Naruto growled, baring his fangs like a lion ready to pounce…
But the boy laughed cooly again, grinning as he walked away.
"I guess you're right…" Those words threw everybody off; was that it? The boy had simply given up after a few words. How sad.
"Who really cares…" He was getting farther and farther away, his voice growing distant. "I mean…" He flicked his wrist, an orange book appearing in a wisp of smoke in his hand.
"Limited edition Icha Icha novels signed by Jiraiya himself are a dime a dozen right?" The boy grinned devilishly as he was thirty feet away.
Kakashi blinked, noticing the sudden lightness in his pocket.
"…No…" He blinked. "How... h-how…" The book was literally in his pocket just a second ago.
Sasuke and Sakura just observed in shock, the pinkette wiping away her tears, unable to believe the boy's speed. They hadn't even see him move; he didn't move, it was impossible.
Naruto wagged his finger. "Kakashi Hatake." He smiled. "The copy cat ninja, A-rank in the bingo book, possesses a Sharingan in his left eye, excellent Taijutsu capabilities, phenomenal ninjutsu arsenal, impeccable genjutsu skills. Nearly flawless stealth skills, decent interrogation skills, level 4 seal master... all around, one of the best shinobi in the village."
Kakashi blinked. How did this boy know so much? What type of Genin knew this type of information? It wasn't public; it wasn't just handed out in a silver platter to anybody.
"However…" Naruto grinned, a cocky swagger visible the way he carried himself. "You have one weakness, a weakness that any woman drunk at a local bar would be willing to give out."
"Damn it Anko!" Kakashi cursed.
"You." He grinned. "Love. Icha. Icha. Paradise."
"How'd you get the book?" Kakashi insisted.
"Funny thing about seals…" The boy grinned. "They have a variety of uses, they can be used to summon objects, create explosions, seal demons, oh the list is endless… why don't people study them more? Honestly they're really a nifty trick…" The boy smiled, his eyes sparkling in mischief.
"You're a seal master?"
"Meh, depends what your definition of a master is…" A complex tetragram seal appeared on the book, causing Kakashi's eyes to widen; a seal-invisibilty seal was laced upon a detonation seal and a summoning seal...
Kakashi's throat dried. "What level…?"
"Nine," the blonde said offhandedly.
Kakashi's blood froze. "Hehe, let's not get hasty here…"
"No, I mean it's kinda embarrassing that I was able to sneak into your house for thirty seconds and draw the seals on your book…"
Kami, it took the kid thirty seconds to make a triple layered seal? Most respectable seal masters couldn't even do that! Also, how the hell did this kid break into his house? Nobody ever broke into his house; this kid was a freak!
"Fine, I'll pass you! Just give me back my book! It took me two years to get that edition! TWO YEARS!" Kakashi almost cried in horror.
"Swear?" Naruto's grin got wider.
"YES!" Kakashi was on his knees.
"Promise?" Naruto had a sinister look in his face.
"Yes! Yes! Just give me back my baby!"
"Fine…" The book glowed an ethereal blue before phasing into Kakashi's pocket. The sudden wight of his precious book caused the ninja's soldiers to relax as he took the book out and held it to his chest like a baby. It was quite a sight to see a grown man cradle a book like that.
Naruto didn't really stare too much however before he turned on his heels
"Ciao, see you guys for missions tomorrow!" The blonde walked off, grinning in triumph.
Kakashi stared at the boy's retreating form. "That kid is scary…"
Sasuke and Sakura could only agree, their mouths agape. Naruto had just saved their careers and outsmarted a Jonin.
It made everyone ponder one thing; who the hell was Naruto Uzumaki? And why did he suddenly start acting like this now?
Naruto yawned as he walked off, already tired.
"I'm proud of you Naruto. You just saved those kids futures."
"Yeah, yeah. I'm glad I didn't have to release my gravity seals and fight him, he probably would have murdered me."
"Wait, what gravity seals?"
Naruto blinked. "…The gravity seals that I've worn since nine years old. Never took them off…" The beast was slack jawed. The kid was wearing gravity seals for the last five years? The demon had completely forgotten about them.
"Was that your last resort?"
"No, that was plan B. I still had a variety of detonation, entrapment, and chakra paralyzing seals layered in the forest... though they're a little... fatal..."
The demon was silent. It had decided to go to sleep for one night, and then the boy did all of that. It reminded him of the old times.
"Naruto, if only you actually trained more often…" The boy laughed weakly at the demon's comment.
Little did the boy know that his activities in the past couple of days would arouse the suspicions of a few higher ups...
To be continued …
OMAKE: How Naruto broke into Kakashi's house.
The moon was high in the sky, cascading over the placid village in a ballad of luscious light. Everything was silent, everything was peaceful.
Everything except Uzumaki Naruto. He was standing outside the window of the Jonin's apartment complex, sticking to the walls with chakra. Peering inside, he took note of everything. The sight was a simple bedroom, holding a bed (of course), a few posters and a couple of drawers. Silently sliding the window open, he slid into the Jonin's vicinity, closing the window as he tip-toed his feet on the sturdy wood.
He found the orange book on top of one of the drawers. Silently, he edged to the object, before he pulled out a brush and began to work, his hands moving like a hummingbird as he drew complex symbols all over the possession.
"Err... Naruto, is that you?" The silver-haired man spoke groggily. Despite being a Jonin, he was very slow-witted when he awoke.
Naruto froze, hairs aloft like a cat's. "Uhhh..." He spoke, turning around and waving his hands like a ghost. "This is just a dream... Oooooh~!"
He turned around and continued working.
"Why... why would I be dreaming about you?" The Jonin groaned again
Naruto turned around, clearly irritated. "I don't know Kakashi! This is your dream! WHY do you dream about little boys?"
*Snore* The cyclops fell back asleep, apparently too tired to care and even remember what happened that night.
End.
Haha, well that was a mixed bag… again tell me what you think, your thoughts, how to improve.
Anyways, yeah hoped I helped to portray my message of Naruto as a lazy badass...also hoped the humor was up to snuff.
ALSO! Sorry if the descriptions seem lacking at all, they will get more prevalent in the dramatic sections of the work. I choose my bouts of complex diction carefully because it doesn't really work with my style of humor.
Once again, I hoped you enjoyed yourselves, and please drop a review.
Storm out.