Chapter 2

It turned out that the end of the previous chapter was not the end after all as soon after Kid Rock returned home now being the most popular musician in the world because he'd conquered Africa he received a phone call from his new friend David Mitchell. "Hi Kid Rock, my old pal, I'm going to be in America soon because I'm doing some public relations stuff but is it okay if I stay at yours?" asked David Mitchell? Kid Rock did not need to think about this for very long "Yes." he exclaimed passionately, and then they said goodbye and Kid Rock began to prepare for his friend's arrival excitedly. He went for a shower and the water glistened off his back as it splashed all over him, and he sung a brand new song that he had written on the flight home called David and Me. The birds flew in from as far afield as Alaska to listen.

The very next day Kid Rock woke up at the crack of dawn and stretched out, with his hair flowing beautifully over his chest. He shook himself and his hair flew back over his shoulders as he stood up to fall down beside his back. He knew that his friend would arrive in a few hours so he stormed into the kitchen and roasted a boar for his breakfast before finishing it off in three mighty bites. He needed to get his strength up in order to help David Mitchell on his publicity tour. Only weeks and months ago Kid Rock would have sneered at the possibility of helping another celebrity achieve fame: he only wanted his own fame and to help ordinary people become happier through the medium of great music and looking swell. But now that he had a true friend who he loved like his brother or son he had undergone a remarkable change and a change that shocked him slightly but in a good way every time he thought about it.

He sung his new song once more as he wanted to perfect it for when David Mitchell arrived, but he knew it was perfect anyway. He smashed a guitar over the head of a nearby servant to get rid of some of the overriding testosterone that had built up dramatically over the last hour since he woke. Then he settled down to wait.

Meanwhile on the other side of the world, David Mitchell had nearly arrived in his personal jet. He was a passenger on his jet but also the pilot so he dodged a few missiles calmly, did a figure of eight and then cruised in to land at the airport. He made a perfect landing and then strode across the tarmac where a horde of fans stood waiting. David Mitchell told a very funny joke and the girls swooned and the men questioned themselves. He then signed several autographs, mostly on people's forearms in lipstick and then got in his Ferrari and started to drive towards Kid Rock's house. He drove on and on, through field and thicket, racing down the freeways at breakneck speeds. He missed his friend Robert Webb already but Robert Webb had a new show whilst David Mitchell was away to occupy himself with and they had promised each other to stop appearing on panel shows and record another series of Peep Show as soon as David Mitchell returned.

It was not very long before he arrived and he rapped on the front door of Kid Rock's house with a thunderous knock, heard for miles around. It is said that even the thunder and lightning hid that day after they heard his thunderous knock. Kid Rock flew from his seat on the sofa and opened the door and the two old and dear friends embraced and said "oh, my friend, it has been far too long even though it has been a mere two weeks it felt like an eternity" they truly were the best of friends. They sat and they talked about things and they swapped humorous anecdotes about their time away from each other and they laughed and cried at the emotional tales each one had to relate. As the time ticked by they did not notice the menacing figure watching through the window, but soon evening fell and Kid Rock rose from his seat to approach the window with the aim of closing the curtains. As soon as he turned towards the window the reprehensible person turned and fled, his cape sweeping over his shoulder with a swish and a flick. He escaped before even the eagle eyes of Kid Rock could make him out, and unfortunately David Mitchell had been looking in the other direction. Kid Rock drew the curtains to a close and began to move towards the kitchen when David Mitchell rose from his seat, lay a soft manicured hand lightly on his shoulder and said "no, let us get take out" to which Kid Rock replied "yes, OK, Indian or Chinese?"

They agreed immediately: Chinese, and leapt into one another's arms with excitement at the fact that they had agreed so readily – even Robert Webb and Twisted Brown Tucker had always preferred Indian. Kid Rock took from the drawer of a nearby cabinet several leaflets and dusted them off, handing one to David Mitchell and perusing his own thoughtfully. Whilst they were similar in that they both liked Chinese food, there was also an agreeable degree of difference, perfect for a proper friendship and Kid Rock chose Szechuan beef noodles and egg fried rice whereas David Mitchell opted for the Peking duck with special fried rice. They rang up the takeout people who were overjoyed to have such a call from so distinguished a pair of guests and promptly wrote the day down on the calendar. As they waited Kid Rock stood in front of David Mitchell, his thighs not quivering at all, such was his confidence and said "my old and true chum, I have penned a song in our honour" and he then began to belt out a rendition of David and Me so sweet, so moving and so heartfelt that not only did the birds gather outside to listen, but the flowers and trees turned their heads in the direction of Kid Rock's mansion and wished fervently that they could grow legs to go and have a closer listen. David Mitchell was enraptured and said "I am enraptured, that was quite possibly the most beautiful song I have heard in all my days, and I have been to every Royal Variety Show since 1974." Kid Rock was taken aback, and this was not something that often happened – he was used to compliments and adoration for his voice and his pitch perfectness but a compliment so obviously meant from a great friend and worthy critic was hard to come by even for him. A single glistening tear rose in the right hand corner of his eyes and he sniffed and sobbed "I am so pleased you liked it, I was kept up all night plagued by thoughts saying you might not".

David Mitchell put his arm around Kid Rock and they gazed into each other's beautiful eyes and sighed deeply and contentedly when suddenly there was a knock at the door. It was the Chinese takeout!

Silently they walked to the front door to pay for their food and gathered round the table to eat it by candlelight. For the first time since he was very little, Kid Rock had a friend who was properly interested in him for who he was rather than for the name on the front of his albums and vice versa David Mitchell was exactly the same except with DVDs. They ate deep into the night and drank fine wine and Scotch whiskeys aplenty. Kid Rock put on one of his best albums "The Best of Kid Rock" and David Mitchell showed him Season 2 of Peep Show, which Kid Rock declared to be the greatest modern classic in cinematography, even surpassing his own Live DVDs. Eventually it was too late to continue the festivities and they settled down to sleep. Kid Rock showed David Mitchell to his bedroom and wished him a good night and then went to his own.

They slept long and snored loudly and awoke to birdsong the following morning. Kid Rock woke first and roasted them a boar each, this time with fried eggs and laid out the meal on the table. Minutes later David Mitchell made his way downstairs, yawning a ferocious yawn that would have sent the kingliest lion packing in fear. Kid Rock however was unfazed, not because his strength was triple that of the strongest lion, but because he had utmost trust in his friend. They ate the food quickly, gulping down Sunny D and then planned their day.

A few hours later, having raced to their location in Kid Rock's Mercedes-Benz, they sat by a river in the countryside fishing. Kid Rock caught a barracuda and David Mitchell landed three pike. They roasted them on an open flame and ate them whole, heads and all, before then lying back side by side and snoozing gently, completely comfortable with each other, unaware of the presence that lay dormant under the surface of the water, watching them through an elaborate seeing-glass.

Fortunately, before this malevolent being could perform any overtly evil act upon the two an otter ran across Kid Rock's mighty torso, waking him from his slumber, and the shadowy figure submerged itself completely before swimming away swiftly. Again, Kid Rock and David Mitchell were entirely unaware of his ever having been there. Kid Rock said "David Mitchell, was that you tickling me?" and David Mitchell, who was still nearly all asleep said "no Kid Rock, it was not me, what are you talking about?"

"Oh you tease" said Kid Rock and slapped his friend's thigh playfully. David Mitchell rose and put his hand to his thigh and his other hand to Kid Rock's shoulder whilst stroking his chin thoughtfully and then began to lightly caress Kid Rock's firm shoulder. Tingles went all down Kid Rock's spine and he got butterflies in his stomach, a feeling he had not had for nigh on twenty years. He responded by rolling over to face David Mitchell and laid his huge forearm over his hairless chest. Whilst Kid Rock's body was bronzed and tanned like a Greek hero, David Mitchell's was in contrast a beautiful ivory – like freshly laid snow, or the innards of a white peach. This only served to heighten Kid Rock's excitement and he traced the outline of David Mitchell's well defined six-pack with one forefinger. This gentle touch caused David Mitchell to moan sensuously and he moved his arm from his chin and placed it round the back of Kid Rock's neck, feeling his hair brush smoothly aside before cascading over the other side of his pale elbow.

The two were soon wrapped up arm in arm and could feel each other's breath on their faces. Kid Rock's long straggly locks were intertwined with David Mitchell's tousled brown mop. The two breathed nervously, their hearts pounding, unable to cope completely with the realisation of what was about to happen. Who could have thought it, two such manly rogues, usually assaulted by eager women as they walked down the street, with Kid Rock's mighty torso rubbed by strangers and David Mitchell's peachy bum pinched by all and sundry, now betwixt themselves with emotion and love for one another.

Slowly but surely their lips came to meet and the kiss itself stopped time and sunlight – a beautiful eclipse taking place behind them as they locked themselves together and all around freezing and watching transfixed. Despite the surprise of it all neither found it particularly shocking that they'd fallen completely head over heels for one another in so short a period of time. Now Kid Rock rolled atop David Mitchell and his heart beat quickened yet faster as his hands fell from David Mitchell's chiselled cheekbones and began to rove all round his body. At the same time, David Mitchell realised that this was a sign that he also had license to explore and explore he did. Down to Kid Rock's thighs, over to his lower chest, around his hipbones and finally his breath caught up with him completely as he rested one hand just inside the belt of Kid Rock's jeans and looked up to catch eye contact with his lover. At the same time Kid Rock's hands came to rest in the same place on David Mitchell's body.

Without a single word needed they kissed again, a kiss even longer and more passionate than the last, and the grass shone greener and the sky yet bluer than ever before. Finally, after what seemed an eternity, David Mitchell slipped his hand inside Kid Rock's boxers, to discover an erection so stiff and majestic that it made Nelson's Column look limp, and he wrapped his hand around it as it throbbed with anticipation. As he felt David Mitchell's cold hand clamp around him, Kid Rock let out a satisfied sigh and he too slid his hand down to meet his friend's waiting boner. Before anything else happened the two waited and looked once more deep into each other's eyes, and without the need for any further dialogue understood immediately what was needed. They both stroked up and down until they could bear it no longer and removed their garments completely. They lay naked before each other in all their splendour by the river, and disregarded the original intention of their trip entirely: their fishing rods lay unloved and uncherished, as other rods were taking up the attention of the day.

Kid Rock knelt before his lover and took his member in hand, caressing it from base to tip, taking special care to rub all his way around the crown. David Mitchell threw his head back and roared with delight before beating his chest and finally grabbing Kid Rock's head and forcing his penis right down to the very back of his throat. Kid Rock forced his way towards the base of David Mitchell's cock, as it slid down the back of his neck, pushing his uvula backwards until he could no longer even form any kind of gargled mangled speech and instead spluttered, spraying saliva all over the throbbing member he held so beloved within his mouth. Soon he lost the ability to breathe and so pushed the cock out before taking in an almighty breath and got to work with his tongue, exploring every wrinkle, licking off all the saliva and making David Mitchell moan with pleasure. He took a handful of Kid Rock's hair in his fist and yanked it back, causing his lover more pleasure than pain, and causing Kid Rock to jerk his head upwards with David Mitchell's penis still in his mouth being licked, and the sudden movement caused him to let loose a little phlegm which completely covered the dick.

David Mitchell looked down at his mucus-covered penis and felt revenge was necessary. He flipped Kid Rock over with one quick flick and began promptly to penetrate his anal cavity. Watching his penis enter and fall back out of Kid Rock's arse reminded him of watching the metal bits attached to the wheels of an old steam train going back and forth, such was the mechanical nature of the act. Yet, despite that mechanical nature, it was also the most natural thing in the world for both men and they writhed and contorted themselves in orgasmic bliss. The tip of David Mitchell's fleshy sword scraped again and again against Kid Rock's G-spot causing him unquantifiable pleasure, and the feeling of entering so small and so beautiful a crack with his gigantic cock was possibly the best thing David Mitchell had ever encountered in his life. They stayed this way, locked together, cock to ass, thrusting in and out, for twenty long minutes before finally, David Mitchell came to orgasm, and shot warm white semen deep within Kid Rock. The slushing noise was heard for miles around, but no one could quite work out what it was. Apart, of course, from Kid Rock and David Mitchell. The two fell, exhausted, into one another's arms and as they lay down to sleep David Mitchell whispered into Kid Rock's ear "next time you can enter me" and with such a promise Kid Rock also came to orgasm, shooting a silvery trail all over the grass, as if some form of giant snail had made its way past recently. The load was colossal, but then again, so was Kid Rock's scrotum.

Hours later, the two woke up, encrusted in each other's man juice, and happier than they'd ever been. Without changing they made their way home, such was their pride at being covered in the other's discharge. As they approached their home (for David Mitchell had now decided to make the move permanent) and they came over the hill towards Kid Rock's mansion, a horrific sight greeted their eyes...