Authors Note: Thank you! "ResidentEvilGirl" for being the first to review! I hope you will continue to review in the soon to come future chapters!
Second Notice: Sadly most of this humor...Is actually shit i thought about while i was playing through the game...
and I put a little commentary at the end telling what happened or what went through my mind when these idea's formed...
But it's not neccisary to read after the end of chapter is declared.
CHAPTER 2: Miss Virgin Pants!
XXXX Chris XXXX
Chris walked down the creepy dark hallway as lightning flashed from outside the mansion. He came around the corner and saw somthing that made him scream like a little school girl. at the end of the hall there were 2 little girls dressed all in white in a flash they were infront of Chris. "We will be Friends...And you will stay here and play with us for ever and ever and ever..." They fell on his bum and shrieked. "NOOOOOO!" The 2 girls giggled. "We're only kidding...We're all part of you're imagination...But we just want you to know you should lay off the nacho's...Or else you're going to die.."
They vanished and Chris stood up. "Stupid health conscious imaginary girls!" He mummbled and headed down the hall.
Chris came into a hall where a short haired girl struggling in the grasp of a carnivore man. "Let me go!" shrieked the girl.
"Come on...Just one bite?" Asked the carnivore man moving his mouth down to the girls shoulder. The girl screamed "NO!"
and she stabbed the carnivore man in the eye with a silver dagger. "AAAAAHHHH! My eyeball! My precious pupiless eyeball!" screamed the carnivore man as he fell onto his back. The girl shot him a couple times with her pistol. She sighedwhen he was dead. "Why do all the boyfriends I get around here seem so interested in oral stuff..?" She asked.
Chris walked up to her. "Hey! I'm Chris Redfield!" He exclaimed. The girl smiled. "I'm Rebecca Chambers! You're from Alpha team! Thank god!" She said. Chris smirked widely. "Come on! Lets go find a way out of here!" He said grabbing Rebecca's hand and dragging her down the hall.
XXXX Jill XXXX
Jill entered a big room that looked to be a study. She found a fancy flip lighter, some herbs and a dog whistle. She stared at the herbs. "They have weed here! AWSOME! I haven't done that since I was in high school!" She put them somewhere safe.
She found a letter attached to the dog whistle.
Letter: A
Jill flipped it over and there was a note.
Note: B flat
Jill then found a message!
Message: "The master has trusted me to hide a certain item, this item is very prescious to the master. So I figure if i can hide it in a collar and put the collar on a viscious animal, say like the dog that hanfgs around the west balcony, then the master will be pleased. This is where you come in... Use this dog whistle on the west balcony and the dog should come running If you do this I can repay you. Remember that particular item you wanted to get you're hands on? That's right... The 1998 june adition of "Playboy"! I think if you do this I can make that happen...Good luck"
Jill put the message in a safe place and took the dog whistle and left the study. She walked down the hallways until she reached the west balconies. She blew the whistle but no sound came out. "Stupid thing must be broken..." She said and threw it over the balcony. She was about to walk back inside when a dog ran up from behind her and tackled her to the ground and started barking and trying to bite her. She wrestled it with every ounce of strength she could manage but it soon was clear her strength alone would not be enough to get the dog off her. She reached to her belt and grabbed the tazer and stabbed the dog in the eyeball with it creating crackling sparks, the dog fell off her twiching. Jill jumped to her feet and shot the dog until it was dead. "God! This is why i'm a cat person!" She mummbled. She retrieved the collar from the dog and found a switch on it. "Must...Push...Button..." She said and quickly pushed the button excitedly. A coin fell out. "Aww! What a Jip!" She said. She saw another button on the coin. "..." She quickly pushed the button and it turned into a fake key.
Jill decided not to waste time on the hours of stupidity she could have ranted on about the key.
Jill went back inside the mansion and ran through a series of hallways, she ran into a dead carnivore man, Jills obsession to poke dead things with a stick kicked in. She didn't have a stick... She saw somthing flickering in the light from down the hall and went that way. She found an arrow sticking out of a statue. She was also obsessed with shiny things so she stole it. She skipped back to the dead man and poked him with it, almost instantly he jumped up with a growl, his skin was red. he wasn't just a carnivore man he was a super-anger-management-needy-carnivore man! He rushed at Jill and she screamed and unloaded the rest of her clip on him until he was dead. She stared at his corpse with wide eyes...She poked it one last time then ran as fast as she could through the door at the end of the hall.
She was now in a white hall with a suit of armor.. She read the inscription. "Blah blah blah blah DEATH!" She read outloud.
Author: "How in gods name did she ever graduate highschool?"
Jill looked up. "Who said that?" She waited for a response and when none came she reloaded her pistol. "Ghosts.." She whispered grudgingly.
She walked further down the white hall and found a key in the floor. "Finders keepers!" Shouted Jill and pulled the key out.
The walls moved in and a suit of armor blocked her path. Then another suit of armor started coming at her with a spinning shield saw of death! Jill screamed and shot at the armor. When her clip ran out she panicked and threw her pistol at it,
it bounced off the spinning blades and landed somewhere behind the armor. Jill screamed and then looked at where the key hole was. And her mind began forming a plan. She quickly put the fake key in where the real key used to be, and everything returned to normal! Jill cheered. She examined the key she just obtained. Somthing told her by the picture of the armor on the key...This must be...The invincibility key! She exited the hallway and went back to the entrance hall. She found Joseph standing like a cowboy getting ready for a quick draw with his back turned to her. "So Chris...You think you can win Jill's heart? think again punk!" He said and drew his handgun and started shooting and when the clip was empty he laughed. "Owned! Now Jill is.." he got cut off. "Joseph...Whatchya doing?" Asked Jill almost too afraid to hear the answer.
Joseph screamed like a little girl and turned to look at Jill. "Uh..How long were you standing there?" he asked.
Jill stared. "Long enough I guess.." Joseph laughed and casually went over to the stairs. "Well back to investigation!" He said and hurried out of sight.
Jill continued through the door on the right and then into a fancy hall with windows. She went through another door and was in yet ANOTHER hall! She picked out the closest door that looked like a bathroom, secretly she really had to use the toilet. But a bathtub filled with filthy water caught her eye. Her mother always taught her that cleanliness was a filthy habit...Which made no sense...Wouldn't that mean for you NOT to clean? Iether way she pulled the plug on the bathtub.
As it drained a hand reached out almost grabbing her then a carnivore man sat up. He opened his mouth and nasty bath water drained from his mouth, yet another reason why water is bad for you! He stood up and tripped over the side of the tub and hit the floor. "Ouchie!" He cried. Jill looked at him "Are you okay?" She asked while still trying to fight off a heart attack. "Yea...I just hit my head...I might feel better though if I could have a bite of you're flesh..." Said the carnivore man crawling forward and reaching out for Jill's leg. "What? NO! Get away!" she yelled and stomped a hole in the carnivore mans head killing him. She then ran to the toilet and went potty.
After her potty break she went to the next most interesting door she could find and went in. The room was empty except for pretty pictures on the walls. But she saw another door and entered. She was in another study! She looked through and found a silver dagger and an old looking shotgun. She took it off it's mount and walked out the door. She quickly noticed the cieling was coming down. She ran over to the door and tried to open it but it was locked. She then started pounding on the door and yelling for help. Soon the cieling was at doorknob level.
"Please! Somebody help! I can't die yet! I have so much to live for! I'm still a virgin! Please don't let me die a virgin!"
Someone called out to her from the other side of the door. "Jill? Is that you!" It was Barry. "Barry! Please! The door won't open!" She screamed. "Hold on!" Shouted Barry. He pulled out his magnum and shot the doorknob then opened the door.
Jill was about to be crushed when he pulled her out.
"Wow...That was a close one...A few more seconds and you would have been a Jill Sandwhich." Barry laughed. "Thanks" Jill said relieved. Barry grinned. "I heard you say you were a virgin?" Barry asked smugly. Jill looked at him embarrassed and Barry laughed and chanted. "Jill is a virgin! Jill is a virgin! Ha ha!" Jills face turned dark pink. "Shut up dude!" she said. Barry finished laughing then helped Jill up. "Well...See you around..." He said and walked off.
END OF CHAPTER 2! Next chapter: Flesh Eaters on Drugs!
XXXX Humor Commentary XXXX
Just so you know I already have the first 6 chapters typed up on printed paper...I did it in school on my spare time.
And as I was reading through it...I was remeniscing about how I came up with some of this shit! So i'm gonna tell you how i came up with a few things in this chapter...
Rebecca and the carnivore man: This one I hadn't even played the game yet! It actually came to me when my little brother bit my neck and I shoved him off me and yelled "What the hell!"
Jill and the Armor: This was I WAS playing the game... It was my first time on this puzzle and I didn't have the fake key at the time. So I was like taking the key and putting it back and taking it trying to figure out what I was supposed to do. And somewhere in between the lines I started shooting at the armor...And my idiot sister who's watching goes.
"Throw you're gun!" And i was like "Duh Norma! I can't!"
Jill and the corpse: Not much to say really...I like poking things with a stick...Especially my brother! I just poke him over and over undill he gets mad and hits me! LMAO
Jill and the Bathroom: Here I kinda walked into the bathroom and I just gawked at the screen and was thinking. "Seriously?
a fricken bathroom! What possible purpose would that serve!" I knew it made the game seem more like u were really in a mansion but WTF!
Jill and the cieling trap: Now I HAD seen this scene before I ever played this particular game...As a child when my mother bought the 1996 PS1 classic version of RE1 and 2...2 really pissed me off cause I could never get passed all the zombies in the beginning LOL but thats another story...As for 1...I always played until this particular scene then I got bored and shut it off...I didn't know how to save. But as i played this version After the scene I thought. "That's it? "Help!" and "The door won't open"? I could of thought of a million things to shout out if I thought that was going to be my last few moments! I would be singing like a canary! So this sick little joke formed in my mind!
And that about concludes the commentary...Oh but if you were wondering why I made the zombies talk...I was pondering how tortured their souls must be...One day...Human living happily...Then in the next couple hours..A ravenous flesh eater.
So I decided to make them whiney little wussies! HELL! It makes me feel better! And thats all i really care about!