"I see I am in Heaven. I thought I was to go to Hell."

Gabriel gave the man a pointed look of fury. This man was an idiot.

"You stole the soul of an Angel. At such a rate, the Lord had to replace the lost Angel with another Soul. You."

"...What? No, I sold MY soul to..."

Raphael looked over from his buttered toast and orange juice at the two with their coffee. "...Mephistopheles used to live here. She left because she wanted you. There are always the same number of angels in Heaven, so God was pissed to lose one. So...you're here now."

Faust spat his coffee all over the glass table, the coffee mug clattering as it fell, and tumbled through the clouds into nothingness. "...SHE? Are...are you stupid? That was a MAN."

"...Yeah, tell that to every hermaphroditic angel here who chooses to be recognized as female. Tell that to God, who assigns them their spiritual gender." Gabriel piped up, sipping his own cream-and-sugar coffee while looking at Faust like he needed help.

"...Then I-" he started, but Raphael interrupted him. "-No, no. Only the original angels are hermaphrodites. Humans retain their gender."

Faust looked off into the cloudy abyss. He thought that Heaven was supposed to be nice and perfect and full of eternal pleasures. But it felt plain and empty, no different than Earth. "...Why is everything so dull here? I thought this was supposed to be a perfect Utopia."

"Oh, FUCK you, Faust." Gabriel spat, slamming his coffee mug down. "It WAS when 'Phisto was here. She was so adorable before she ever fell in love with you. She spun around all the time, she danced, she sang, she gave her love to everyone. But then she saw your pain, and something in her died. She stopped twirling en pointe, she stopped singing, her voice broke whenever we asked her to sing, and she wept and wept. She ruined the whole mood, and God was even forced to put her in ballet heels so she would stay en pointe, but even then she just sat on the clouds and watched you wallow in your own selfish self-pity."

The doctor's jaw dropped, looking down at the clouds as if he could look through them to see underneath, but as he was originally human, he could not. "...Then what the hell did I sign?"

"...A marriage contract for those who can't marry under God. Those banished from Heaven are not allowed a marriage under God." Gabriel answered.

"...Why?"

"...Because they've sinned against God."

"...How?"

"...Because one is to serve the Lord."

"...And the only path to serving Him is directly? Not through helping others?"

"...That is why there's more than one human to do that."

"...But nobody else liked me."

"...WELL, FUCK, I WONDER WHY!" Raphael shouted, whirling around from his half-eaten toast. "You never fucking shut up, you're completely ignorant of other's needs, and you're a complete dipshit! I don't even understand why you're here in the first place! You don't DESERVE Heaven, and you're making it a Hell just by being here!"

Faust visibly recoiled, hurt by the statement. "I- I- I didn't even know that he- she-...liked me..."

Gabriel looked down through the clouds, his lower lip trembling. This was stupid and painful, and Mephistopheles had been stabbed in the back for loving too much. Watching the poor thing in suffering, he abandoned his coffee and fell to the cloudy floor to weep as he watched his best friend in impenetrable loneliness. Raphael stood to comfort his friend, stroking a wing gently as his own fluffed out angrily. "Now look what you did."

"...I want to go back."