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How do I survive Middle Earth

a.k.a How does Middle Earth survive me

Chapter 2: What to do next

After a short nap Babs woke up and looked around in confusion. 'Where the hell am I?' She thought. Then she spotted her friend lying next to her and she remembered. The previous day her friend had pushed them through an unfamiliar hole, which somehow ended up here. Going by her motto "I'm awake, so you're awake" she woke up her friend.

'Marieke…? Marieke…? WAKE UP!!!' she yelled while shaking Marieke so wild she fell out of bed.

Arianna i Dúnedan: -shoves the last plot monkey into a really tiny cage and locks the door- There, no more plot monkeys in the story. I was planning on making Stanley your personal slave you know, but oh well, your loss. Now let's get back to writing. –notices PinoTheGreat started already- Oops.

'Oooooooooooh… pwitty stars,' Marieke drooled, trying to grab the stars that were circling around her head.

'When do we meet this dude Elrond?' Babs asked while catching up some reading in Eresor's diary.

'Elrond? More like "Smell"-rond. Have you ever walked by when he's using the little Elves' room? Man, you could fell and orc with that smell,' Marieke replied. 'Anyway, I ran into him when I had to go last night, he's invited us to "break our fast" with him and his family, meaning Arwen, the twins and his little Estel will be joining too,' Marieke rambled on, going googly eyed at the name Estel. 'But anyway, one little piece of advise; never, ever use the toilet after an Elf has just left it, ever!'

'That's the reason I went BEFORE the elves last night,' Babs said with a grin.

'It's not my fault I had to go during the night!' Marieke protested. 'Oh, forget it, let's go find whatever room they hold breakfast in, maybe we'll run into Glorfy again and he can show us the way in exchange for something. Climbing trees was fun!'

After a short hour walk they finally found the breakfast room. Suddenly Babs realised she'd still had Elrond's diary in her hands. 'Quick, put this in your pants,' she said to Marieke while actually shoving the diary in her friends pants.

Marieke looked horrified at the prospect of being caught with Elrond's diary and quickly got an idea when she noticed an Elf walking past, fishing the diary out of her pants and shoving it down his. Then she turned to Babs and smiled brightly.

'Don't worry, I'll get it back later,' she assured her friend. 'Now let's get in there, I'm hungry like a ranger… hum… ranger… Aragorn…'

'Sure…and you're so not obsessed with Fluffy,' Babs joked to Marieke. 'Also you'll better get that diary back right after dinner ok? It's too good to get lost, besides I want to take it home with me as a souvenir.'

'Yeah, yeah, I know the drill. Anyway, something fun may happen during breakfast this way that doesn't involve us getting hurt for a change,' Marieke nodded solemnly. 'And just so you know… Aragorn is mine! As are those tall, dark and handsome twins,' she grinned wickedly and wiggled her eyebrows.

'You can have that dirty, filthy, smelly, Fluffy dude if you want to, I'll find myself some cute Elf,' Babs said while getting a seat at the table.

'Snog Legolas? He's due to arrive soon anyway. We just have to make Frodo wake up. Any suggestions?' Marieke asked as she dropped herself in Elrohir's lap. 'I'm not used to sitting on chairs,' she explained to the Elf while making herself comfortable.

'She'd hit her head yesterday, so apparently she brained her damage,' Babs explained to the confused looking elf. 'Do we HAVE to wake up Frodo? Can't someone else do that?' Babs complained while she didn't want to miss Legolas's arrival.

Knowing exactly why her friend asked, Marieke sighed. 'Yes, we have to. That prissy clean-freak Mirkwood princeling won't show up until he does… sheesh, didn't you watch the movies?' Marieke complained.

'Course I did, but that was some time ago. Don't remember everything. But ok…we'll wake the little hobbit up. How are you planning to do that? Kiss him awake? Like in a fairytale?' She said sarcastically.

'Of course not, I'm not that stupid!' Marieke exclaimed, as she started to eat Elrohir's breakfast from his plate, ignoring the Elf's protests. 'I'd make Sam do that if it would work. No, we wait until you-know-who goes to the you-know-what again and shove him in afterwards, see how he likes it,' Marieke informed her, proud of her own little scheme.

'Did you put spaghetti in your pants AGAIN? You know that makes you talk all weird and stuff,' Babs said having not a single clue what her friend was talking about.

'No,' Marieke retorted. 'Garfield did that. Okay, so it's not my most brilliant plan, I'll admit that. Can I kill Boromir now?'

'Sure go ahead. But doesn't he come in with Legolas and Gimli and stuff? Besides I still don't know what you're talking about.'

Before Marieke could reply, Elrond walked in, looking rather crestfallen.

'Someone stole my diary,' he informed them solemnly. 'Does any of you know who?'

'Erestor,' Marieke replied without missing a beat. 'I saw him shoving it down his pants before he entered here.'

Babs gave Marieke an evil glare. Now she'd never get the diary back and was dieing to know what happened to Pricilla after they drove away from the hotel.

Though Erestor tried to deny the whole thing, the diary was indeed produced from where Marieke had hid it earlier. Elrond was furious at his advisor.

'Um, Lord Elrond… you know… if you want your diary to be safe and all… me and Babs are quite trustworthy with secret stuff and all and would never even dare to read about you and your dates with Pricilla the PMS Fairy,' Marieke told him solemnly, batting her eyelashes at him sweetly.

Elrond was fooled by the fake innocence and handed the diary to Babs for safekeeping.

Babs very pleased she had it back whispered to Marieke; 'Pricilla is a bus with which they'd drove through the dessert. But anyway, would you please explain to me how we're gonna wake Frodo up?'

'So I forgot the word "and",' Marieke shrugged. 'I'm dyslectic, I'm allowed to. Anyway, I don't think the toilet idea is really going to work, so maybe we should throw him off the roof?'

'No, we can't do that. That's supposed to be my back-up plan for waking YOU up. Hmm…let me think…why don't we just throw a bucket of water over him? He'll wake up AND gets clean at the same time,' Babs said thinking it was a clever idea which saved time so she could read Elrond's diary all over again. Erestor's was boring anyway.

'Sure, you can go do that and I'll go off making the other little hobbitses lives miserable,' Marieke smiled bright, hopping off Elrohir's lap and kissing him on the cheek as a thank you. 'Hannon le, mellon nin,' she told him happy to know a few Elfish words.

Babs walked to the room where the little hobbit was sleeping and saw that he already was awake. 'You're in luck,' she informed him. 'I almost had thrown a bucket of water over you to wake you up.'

'And what if I stayed asleep,' Frodo asked.

'Then I would've thrown the bucked, so be glad you're awake. Did you sleep well?'

'Yeah I think so.'

'Good, get dressed and meet me outside.'

'Where're we going?'

'To meet Elrond, it seems he has something to tell us.'

After five minutes Frodo and Babs were walking to the place Elrond wanted everyone to meet. 'What do you think Elrond want's to tell us?' Frodo asked.

'Don't know' Babs replied 'I hope he tells us who the hell this PMS fairy is.'

'Yeah, I'd like to know that too' Frodo said with a smile. 'What else is in that diary you're holding in your hand?'

'Hehe…want me to read it out to you? It's real funny.'

'That'll be great. It'll give us something to do while we get there.'

So Babs and Frodo walked further while reading the diary and becoming good friends.

Marieke was watching them from a tree with her own new friends, Elladan, Elrohir, Glorfindel, who was hiding from Erestor for having his panties hung up in a tree, and Aragorn, who was hiding from Arwen for she was PMSing.

'Frodo and Babs, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, first comes LUV then comes marriage then comes Frodo with a baby carriage,' she sang happily.

'Shouldn't you be drooling over Aragrorn?' Babs shouted to Marieke before throwing a rock that knocked her friend out of the tree…again.

Aragorn quickly left the tree to tend Marieke's injuries… again. When she woke up, her eyes glazed over and she started muttering. 'Doom awaits in Moria… Doom awaits in Moria.' When her eyes shot back into focus she smiled at Aragorn. 'I've got an idea… let's go to Moria,' she informed him. 'Oh shit, first we need to go to Elrond's stupid council,' she cursed, looking at her watch. 'And we're already late.'

'What are you waiting for!' Babs yelled at Marieke while running ahead.

'A piggy bag ride,' Marieke squealed, jumping on Elladan's back as the two sons of Elrond and Aragorn rushed off to their father's boring counsil. Glorfindel was left behind to once more wallow in self-pity about being forgotten and left out.

Babs ran back to get Glorfindel. She hated when people were forgotten and together they ran to the counsel.

At the council Marieke was again sitting on Elrohir's lap, smiling happily at the Dwarves, Elves and Men that were gathered. No one but her friends knew she had a dagger hidden in her boot so that, when she had an opening, she could slide Boromir's throat and blame it on Frodo and Sam.

Arianna i Dúnedan: What do you mean "I don't like the hobbits"? Of course I do… I'm just trying to keep them safe! –looks around innocently-

'What the hell was that with Moria,' Babs thought. 'There's no way I'm gonna get in that creepy dark place, well at least not without Legolas.'

Marieke soon fell asleep, knowing Elrohir would keep on eye out for an opportunity to assassinate Boromir, no one liked the guy anyway. Now his brother, that was a totally different story and she was wondering in her sleep if she could get rid of Éowyn and add Faramir to her personal LotR harem.

'Any suggestions on what to do with the ring?' Elrond finally asked his gathered council.

'Shove it in a place where the sun doesn't shine?' Babs said.

'No, too easy,' Marieke interjected, as she had woken up to present her brilliant plan. 'No, I say we go to Moria and force-feed it to a Balrog. We can even take Glorfy to handle the Balrog part. I mean, who would ever dare gut a Balrog to get the ring out… or worse… spit out Balrog dung in search of a silly ring.'

Everyone gathered shuddered at the idea of digging around in a pile of Balrog shit.

'That's a stupid idea,' Babs said with disgust. 'Why don't we ask that grey dude over there, he'll probably have a whole lot better idea.'

Babs was hoping he had, because SHE wasn't put the ring into the Balrog for sure. She'd put Marieke in it, but not the ring.

Before long it was decided that Frodo would go to Mordor and throw the ring into Mount Doom, which Marieke commented was just as stupid an idea as hers, but no one listened to her. A fellowship was put together, and deciding not to let her ranger get away so easily, Marieke ran over.

'If those annoying little hobbitses can go, I'm going too,' she informed Elrond.

'No, you're not,' Elrond replied. 'Only nine walkers will set out.'

'But I'm a flying bag of chips!' Marieke retorted, flapping her arms. 'Therefore I will be flying, not walking, thus only nine walkers will set out, for I am no walker, but a flyer.'

Elrond could not find a fitting argument to that and nodded. 'Well, they do need food.'

'Ehm…excuse me Mitzi…eh…I mean Elrond,' Babs said. 'I don't think it's a good idea to let Marieke fly all by herself, or fly at all. Why don't we just walk 3 miles behind the Fellowship and carry all the food?'

'It's an unusual idea but I still think they need food, so both of you are allowed to walk behind them.' Elrond answered wandering how she knew his drag queen name was Mitzi.

'But… but… but… we'll be all alone and undefended!' Marieke protested. 'If we are to be walking behind them, I want to be armed and dressed like the rangers and I want a full black horse named Hravan, just like Arianna.'

'Hravan? Arianna?' Elrond looked at her questioningly.

'You haven't met them yet, I haven't come around to putting up that fic,' Marieke shrugged.

'I don't know about the horse thing, but some armoury would be nice. Like swords and other pointy things that kill things who're trying to steel our food,' Babs replied to Marieke's idea while walking towards her and hitting her over the head for mentioning something she hadn't written yet.

As their requested weapons were fetched, suddenly from out of thin air with a horrible popping noise a very masculine looking female with a pink wig, orange and pink slipper-dress, hairy legs, heavy make-up and unmanicured nails appeared in their midst and slapped Elrond in the face… hard.

'How DARE you not call me after that wild date we had last month!' She shrieked. 'I never want to see you again.'

Then she disappeared again, leaving almost everyone stunned.

'Bye Miss PMS Fairy,' Marieke waved weakly.

'Told ya his diary was fun,' Babs whispered to her friend before they went packing for the journey.

Marieke nodded still shocked, but soon forgot about the whole ordeal when she pulled out her shiney Elfish sword and was quick to call it Indóme just for the hell of it.

Arianna i Dúnedan: Well, that was fun. –waves hopefully at their readers- Welcome back nice reader people. We hope you enjoyed our second crazy chapter. Now be good and review to tell us if you did?

PinoTheGreat: PLEASE review…….It would mean the world to us –cough- well not the world, but we'd be very pleased if you'd review. Well see you next chapter. Bye bye.

–waves to the reader people-