Shocking; he woke up alone in his bed, that was expected and after some years really normal. It didn't make it hurt any less. It used to not bother him when Skwisgaar would share a bed with him only to leave while Toki was sleeping, but after everything he'd been through he sort of had the dumbest hope that something would change. He hoped a lot of things would change, but nothing changed in the right kind of way. The only good news was that for the mean time there weren't any dead voices inside his head, he couldn't even remember his dreams or if he'd had any. He knew it wouldn't last forever or for the entire day, but he was going to enjoy the silence as much as he could. Of course without Magnus, his father, or any other pissed off soul to taunt him or torture him he only had his own thoughts to take that job now. It didn't help that when he was in the living room with the others Skwisgaar came in followed by four women and two men. Nobody paid any attention to this, it was normal after all, but Toki couldn't help but stare at him wondering if the blond haired musician was actually serious. He'd seemed caring the night before, but had gone off to go have sex with some random people. Skwisgaar met his eyes, he averted them quickly and at least was smart enough to look ashamed of himself. Toki got up and went to the kitchen; he made quick work of finding a bottle of vodka. It's not like it made anything better, not really; it just numbed his mind and his senses.

He wasn't sure why he expected anything from him; Skwisgaar was a whore, that's what he did. Apparently that was part of his purpose was to just impregnate any and every woman that he came across. Skwisgaar didn't owe him anything, but it felt like he did. It felt like he should apologize and beg and admit to how much of a dick he'd been for so many years. Toki knew it hadn't always been this way or the way it was before; he didn't understand it which made it a billion times worse. When he'd been sixteen he'd idolized him, he loved the attention the older man gave him, and even had a crush on him for the longest time. He'd put that far off to the side though once Skwisgaar started treating him like shit, insulting him, yelling at him, and nearly making him believe he couldn't play guitar. Making him believe he literally had no purpose in the band, they all took turns making him feel that way, but Skwisgaar was the worst about it. He hated it and part of him always hated him too, but in a way he didn't hate him. He hated he cared about him and still loved him, he hated that he could tell Skwisgaar anything and everything but rarely get the comfort that he needed. So he would drink, it seemed like that was how his band mates handled their problems. That seemed to change as well lately and Toki liked that, though he couldn't find a way to deal with his problems without alcohol. He couldn't find a way to handle the voices or what happened to him or what he had going on with Skwisgaar. He hated thinking about it and knowing it wouldn't just go away.

He hated waking up in an empty bed when the night before he had somebody there holding him and saying sweet things to him.

"Don't you think it's too early to be drinking, give me that."

Skwisgaar grabbed the bottle away from the rhythm guitarist before he could argue or keep it out of reach. He could only glare at him, Skwisgaar seemed completely un-phased by the dirty look his friend was giving him; by this point he was way too accustomed to the tantrums his friend could throw. It was early, he felt like shit, and he wasn't in the mood to spend half of his day holding Toki's hair back while he puked into the toilet.

"Fuck off Skwisgaar, it makes me feel better."

"No it makes you weird and loud and really fucking gross." He put the bottle away, Toki was watching him already planning on getting it again the second the other man left the room.

"So when did you find time last night to go fuck a ton of people?"

Skwisgaar leaned back against the kitchen counter, he had trouble meeting the younger man's eyes.

"I just, it's none of your business; what's it even fucking matter?"

"It matters because I thought you could be nice enough to stay with me for one night instead of being a selfish asshole." He yelled back feeling pissed and slightly dizzy from what alcohol he had gotten to drink before his friend had taken the bottle away from him.

Skwisgaar winced and looked around the room as if making sure nobody could hear what they were arguing about. Toki wanted to punch him just for that alone, what did it even fucking matter? He fucked every man and woman he saw, what did it matter?

'It matters, because the sluts he usually fucks are less embarrassing than you.'

Magnus, he really hadn't missed hearing his voice. He wanted one day to just be okay at least in that sense, no voices just the usual one telling him how stupid and pathetic he was.

"You were asleep I didn't think that it mattered, alright? It's not a big deal."

"It is to me, you treat me like I'm a one night stand, or like you don't want anything to do with me. I'm not even sure which it is anymore."

"Now you're just being stupid again, we've fucking talked about this. I do have other things to do, I don't have to spend all of my time babysitting you."

Toki got up and went over to the older man.

"You can't just be around me can you, when did you turn into such an asshole?"

"Just fuck off, go to your room and bitch like a little baby. I'm not putting up with you when you act like this." Skwisgaar shoved him out of the way so that he could leave the room.

Toki took the bottle out of the cabinet, he went to the living room where the rest of his band mates were. He didn't stay for too long though; the moment he went in they all stopped talking, he wondered if they'd been talking about him before he came in the room. It just felt awkward and strange, he felt like a stranger, again. He lasted maybe half an hour before he got fed up and went to his room to drink until he threw up or passed out, he didn't give a shit by this point. He considered stopping by Skwisgaar's room to call him out and maybe throw the bottle at his head. It seemed like such a good idea, yell at him and tell him everything he thought of him lately, and he hoped everybody would hear. Just he could barely walk or stand and the moment he landed on his bed he was pretty damned sure he wasn't going to be getting up anytime soon.

When he closed his eyes he was back at his home in Norway; back inside of that terrible room chained up on the wall. A fragile little kid with a blackened eye, split lip, and limbs coated in fresh wounds just crawling with infection. He'd cry and apologize mostly out of fear, less out of actually meaning it. He was scared, fuck he was a little kid; what kid wouldn't be scared in a situation like that? He'd never understood it, never understood his father or his hatred towards him. He would try to keep his eyes closed when his father would cut his shirt off of his fragile form and beat him with that whip. He would get smacked hard across the face for that, he had to keep his eyes open and realize why he was being punished. When he closed his eyes and pictured it his father wasn't alive, but a rotting corpse with missing eyes. He screamed and threatened about Hell, a place his parents were always so determined he would go to; they assumed sooner than later though. Even as a little boy he knew they wanted to kill him.

A hand shaking his shoulder woke him up, he sat up breathing hard; his wide blue eyes looking around his room expecting it to be any number of places hidden in his nightmares. A hand on the side of his neck, fingers brushing the hair at the nape of his neck drew his attention to the blond haired guitarist currently looking at him with concern.

When Toki was breathing normally again he smacked his hand away.

"Why are you in here?"

"I want to apologize"

The younger man raised an eyebrow, he wondered if he meant it.

'Of course he doesn't mean it you idiot, he's too far up his own ass to mean anything he says.'

Toki tried to ignore the dead bastard's comment.

"I mean it, I shouldn't be such an asshole."

"It doesn't matter, I'm crazy as fuck and you don't know how to deal with it."

Toki wasn't even sure how to deal with it, he couldn't come up with a way that wasn't entirely self destructive.

"You aren't crazy, don't say that about yourself."

The younger man laughed, there was something so funny and fucked up about Skwisgaar saying that. He'd heard his friends talk about him being psychotic behind his back, saw the way they looked at him and avoided him after he'd killed that guy, the way they treated him now. Skwisgaar always went on in interviews about how he thought Toki was a weird kid, totally off in the head and how it was basically an act of charity taking care of him. Too stupid and deranged to take care of himself, somehow it was like he didn't think Toki was smart enough to read said interviews or over hear his friends conversations.

"What?"

"I'm not stupid or slow or whatever you think I am. You tell everybody how weird and crazy I am and how it's like some terrible chore having to look after me. I guess I'm not making it any easier on you now, I'm all fucked up worse now."

"Toki come on you know I don't mean half the shit I say in those interviews."

"It doesn't matter, because you treat me like you don't know me or like you're just waiting for me to get over this."

"I don't expect you to get over it, you went through a lot."

"Like you'd fucking know, you don't know anything. You never ask, you never ask what he did to me or anything."

'I'm sure he'd love to know the things I did to you, he'll avoid you completely then.'

"Maybe I'm scared to know, maybe I think about it a lot and it freaks me the fuck out."

"This isn't about you though, it's about you; I need someone to talk to and I want it to be you."

The older man seemed so uncomfortable right now and he couldn't blame him. Skwisgaar didn't handle these things well, he didn't handle things like this well when it had to do with Toki. He'd nearly started crying when he found out all the God awful things he'd endured as a child, he'd cried for half an hour or longer when Toki had suggested they kill themselves. He never handled it well when it concerned the younger man and it never made any sense to either of them.

"Fine you want to talk about it? That was the worst fucking moment of my life when Magnus stabbed you. That was my worst fear come to life, I thought you were dead; I thought I was watching you die."

Skwisgaar wasn't looking at him, he couldn't; Toki moved so he was sitting closer to him.

"I spent a fucking week in my room crying, freaking out, and I couldn't stop thinking about it."

'Right until he started fucking whores and smoking meth.' Magnus chimed in

He knew his friends had spent a good year getting wasted and acting like he had never existed in the first place. He tried wrapping his mind around it, he knew if it had been any of them he would have wanted to find them whether they were dead or alive. He couldn't get how they left him to die, but here Skwisgaar was telling him how much it fucked him up to think Toki had been dead.

'He's lying, just wants you to pity him. They don't fucking care about you, nobody does.'

Toki wanted to yell for the dead man to shut up and just leave him alone, he had enough things in his head trying to keep him from believing the man sitting on his bed with him. He just wanted to have this one moment where he could lie to himself and pretend that Skwisgaar cared and maybe he had cried and mourned him and worried he'd been dead.

"Did you really?"

Skwisgaar looked at him like that was one of the dumbest things he'd ever asked.

"Yeah"

"Why do you keep avoiding me then if you missed me so much?"

Skwisgaar shrugged, "I don't really know, I guess I don't know what to do anymore."

"Just stop treating me like a stranger or whatever. I really do need you, I feel like I'm losing it."

"You aren't losing it"

'Go ahead and tell him that you hear voices in your head, I'm sure he'll change his mind.'

"I want to tell you a lot of stuff, I'm just scared to."

Even thinking about it he could feel the thick metal collar around his throat, rusted metal digging into his pale flesh. He touched his fingertips to his own neck just to make sure that the collar wasn't really there, it just felt like he was still chained up there.

"Tell me whatever you feel ready to tell me, you don't have to be scared."

He wanted to believe he could tell him everything, about everything Magnus had done to him mentally and physically, and tell him about the voices of dead souls in his head. He wanted to think that Skwisgaar would still want to look him in the eye and touch him and kiss him.

'Anybody who knows what I did to you wouldn't want to touch you.'

Magnus always sounded so pleased with himself when he said the right things to make the young man flinch and ready to cry or vomit. Skwisgaar noticed the distant and scared look in his eyes, he took hold of his hand. Toki didn't pull away when Skwisgaar kissed him; it was gentle and sweet, he felt himself relaxing and focusing on the full lips pressed against his.

"Come on let's go to my room, your room is so fucking small. I never get why you chose the smallest room here."

"I'm used to small spaces"

"I'd think you'd be sick of them"

Toki felt comfortable in them just the same as they terrified him. He did like Skwisgaar's room even though it was way too vacant. He was happy to go with him, he lay down on the bed, the older man leaned down over him kissing him smirking against his lips.

'You don't mean anything to him, just pity. He'd rather be fucking a groupie than touching you.'

He tried ignoring it, he thought about the first time he'd heard his father's angered and demanding voice once when him and Skwisgaar had been kissing. It had scared the hell of him hearing his father's voice in his head yelling at him about the sin he was committing and how disgusting he was, he couldn't even remember the excuse he'd given Skwisgaar for why he had to leave. He just remembered locking himself in his own room and trying to chase away the sound of his father and his threats of violence, even in death the man was more than willing to threaten to beat his son. Now he just had Magnus' voice to worry about, his voice was so loud and accusing; almost like he hadn't tortured Toki enough when he'd been alive. He blamed him for his death, blamed him for so many things. The young man wanted to think it was all a trick of his own mind, he'd lost more of his sanity from being locked up in that horrible place for so long.

"You okay?"

"Fine, really I'm okay don't worry." The younger man replied

Skwisgaar raised an eyebrow, he didn't believe him, but he knew better than to bug him for answers.

He retrieved his guitar from the other side of his room, he sat down on the edge of the bed and played while his friend watched him. Like they used to do back when things seemed simpler and Skwisgaar wasn't afraid to touch to his friend like touching him could break him. Back when Toki talked more and was annoying, but Skwisgaar secretly enjoyed him when he was like that. At least right now they got a bit of peace and fake normality.