If the quantum probability of exceeding the speed of light is larger than 0.05 when entering a black hole, it is safe to assume that it is perfectly possible to use a black hole to travel from one point in space to another in virtually less than a microsecond. This means that it may be possible to jump to different parts of the universe instantaneously.

The equation for this theory currently stands thus: QpC20.05=ST/I

or in worded form: Quantum Probability of the Speed of Light squared is greater than 0.05 is equal to Space multiplied by Time over Infinity.

This equation is known as the Space/Time Jump theorem and has yet to have any metaphysical evidence to validate it, but is still one of the most important astronavigation theories to have been written in the twenty-third century.

If one was able to put this theory into practice, it is totally acceptable to assume that flights across the galaxy could be done in a matter of hours rather than years-

Rimmer looked up from the astronavigation textbook he had been poring over and rubbed his eyes wearily with his index finger and thumb. There was no two ways about it – astronavigation had to be the single most boring subject that man had ever created. Who gave a smeg about the quantum probability of the speed of light? The most interesting thing about this whole section was the last bit, in which if the theory was even possible that trips like the one Red Dwarf had been on would only take a couple of hours. If only they had got this smegging theory up and running at the time they had left Mimas, then maybe he wouldn't be stuck in deep space in the first place.

The second technician stood up and walked over to his bunk, flopping down lethargically in it. It was as uncomfortable as ever, but he liked it that way. He could have always gone and taken the captains quarters, or the quarters of one of the officers, but he didn't want to be alone. Somehow having Lister snoring away above him put him at ease. Oh god, he must have really been loosing his mind.

Suddenly the room was filled with the noise of high-pitched yowling and the Cat span into the room, caressing his black sequined jacket. Rimmer absently rolled his head to the side to look at the room's newest occupant. "Is there something you wanted Cat?" His tone was snarky as per usual.

The Cat dusted off his completely clean lapels and looked down at Rimmer who was staring up at him disinterestedly. "Have you seen dog-breath? We were supposed to go check out that moon we passed yesterday but I haven't been able to find him anywhere!"

Rimmer rolled his eyes and turned his head back to face the roof of the bunk. He had never liked the Cat much, he was such a superficial creature and he had about as much brains as a cabbage. The hologram wasn't in the least bit surprised that Lister had hit it off so well with him. "I think he might be down in the Galaxia Bar on G deck, but I could be wrong. He said he was going to one of the bars anyway, I'm sure."

The Cat huffed and put his hands on his hips. "Oh, well, that narrows it down!"

Sighing Rimmer turned back to the Cat again. Speaking to him was like talking to a child. "Look, I don't know where he is. Now would you kindly leave so I can have some peace and quiet?"

"What the hell's wrong with you Goal-post head? You're more depressed than you usually are - and that's saying something."

The hologram let out a sigh and sat up. "Not that you would care, you fish-devouring idiot, but I'm trying to pass my astronav's and yet again I'm failing to understand any of it."

"That's because you suck." The Cat pulled over a chair and gracefully took a seat. "Look bud, the way I see it you either like something or you don't. You obviously don't like this astronavigation stuff, so don't do it! Find something you actually are good at and do that instead."

Rimmer slapped a hand to his forehead. "It's not a matter of if I like it or not, you sobering buffoon, it's the only path for me to work my way up to officer status. If there was another way don't you think I'd be doing that?"

The Cat stood up and fixed the position of his jacket. "Whatever bud, but you're wasting your time."

"Says you."

"Says every sane person in the universe, alphabet-head." The Cat span around, turning his head back to address the hologram one last time. "Anyway, I'm out bud. If you need me I'll be looking for the monkey."

The second technician watched irritated as the feline creature left the room as quickly as he had entered it. Could he be right? Maybe he should try something else. But he was determined to pass his astronav's not some other useless course. He wanted to do what it took to become an officer, and most certainly none of the other exams lead to that work path. So the only thing for it was to suck it up and keep reading that damned astronavigation textbook.

Oh, the unfathomable joy that conclusion brought.

Lister picked up the spanner, turned it around in his hand to inspect it, came to the conclusion that it would be sufficient for what he wanted to use it for, nodded in satisfaction and then proceeded to bash the storage locker that he was standing in front of with it. This had been the majority of his afternoon, prowling around the storage bays forcing lockers open and then scavenging any interesting objects they contained. He had acquired a decent haul – three car magazines, one containing a special article on hover bikes, a thimble, a pair of hand-knitted mittens with the words 'I love you to the third moon of Jupiter and back'; two hair ties, a zero-gee football card, the personal diary of someone named Arlene Broaker and one triple-thick condom.

He had stayed in the sleeping quarters for a while, but watching Rimmer wrack his brains trying to retain astronavigation facts was something he could only endure for so long without going brain-dead. He decided to leave the guy in peace and quiet, if not to get something done, then to realize what a smeghead he was being. It would probably be a few hours before it was safe to return.

The third technician smacked the locker with the wrench for the tenth time and the seal broke off, letting the door reluctantly inch open. Lister dropped the wrench carelessly on the ground and pushed the door so that the he could see its contents. Inside laid several textbooks, all useless and unexciting to Lister. He was about to move on to the next locker when a small brown book on the shelf below the others caught his eye. He reached his hand in and snatched up the item, holding it up to his eyes for closer inspection. It was hardback and bound in leather, no title was written on the front. Carefully Lister peeled open its three-million-year-old pages and read the name that was written on the inside of the front cover in impeccably neat handwriting. A.J.R b.s.c were the initials and qualification penned down. Lister knew this signature almost as intimately as his own.

A.J.R b.s.c

Arnold Judas Rimmer, bronze swimming certificate.

This was Rimmer's storage locker, and this book, the one Lister was now goggling at, was his diary.

The self-proclaimed spacebum could only imagine what lay hidden among the pages of this journal. Rimmer's most personal, intimate feelings were written down here, probably stuff that he didn't want anyone else to see under any circumstances. So naturally Lister flipped to a random page and began to eagerly read an entry:

March 4th 3048

Dear diary,

Today I bumped into Yvonne McGruder. She was as gorgeous as ever, but she didn't even seem to recognize me. I don't understand what I did to make her act that way, I wasn't that bad in bed, was I? I suppose I could have been, it was my first time after all… but she said I was funny and sweet, and that I should come around to her quarters again soon for tea; she must have wanted me, she had to, to say those things. But then she just started avoiding me like the plague… maybe she's on her woman's period? I doubt it. She probably just realized what a pathetic waste of of a man I am. Why am I even surprised? I shouldn't be, it makes sense really.

I got a new roommate today, David Lister. I think he was that cab driver that had to drag me out of the android brothel I stopped into while on planet leave on Mimas. He seemed to recognize me straight away when we were introduced. God that was embarrassing - what a first impression to make! I'm sure he already thinks I'm a first class stooge. He seems nice enough for now, pretty laid back and casual, I just hope he can put on a professional face when we get to work – I don't want to be pulling around an imbecile. But most of all I hope I don't make an idiot of myself any further; perhaps we could become friends if I manage to keep my cool. I think I can do it, maybe.

I failed my astronav's for the tenth time yesterday; but it's not all lost! I'm head of Z shift now. I hope I can live up to the captain's expectations and get the shift to perform their duties cleanly and efficiently. No chicken soup vending machine nozzle shall be clogged on my watch! I'm going to be the best shift leader that Red Dwarf has ever seen!

Wish me luck diary.

Signing off,
A.J Rimmer

Lister raised an eyebrow. This entry was from the day he arrived on Red Dwarf and met Rimmer for the second time, albeit properly. So Rimmer's first impression of him hadn't necessarily been bad, he actually thought Lister seemed nice. Now that was weird to think about. And Rimmer really didn't know about that concussion McGruder got? Poor guy, Lister had been told about it by his own friends and apparently she actually did like Rimmer; people had seen them together, but once she recovered she didn't think any of it was real. Rimmer didn't have friends so to speak, so nobody must have ever told him.

The last human flipped over to another page and read on, wanting to know more.

March 28th 3048

Dear diary,

I could not have been stuck with a more incompetent buffoon than David Lister. He is completely mad! He doesn't by deodorant, soap, aftershave; he doesn't always have a pen handy; he doesn't have basic stationary at all in fact – no hold reinforcers, no rulers, no loose-leaf! He never washes his socks, I'm sure I saw one crawling along the floor the other day… He smokes, he drinks, he eats nothing but curries and he insists on playing his guitar everyday even though he's so bad at it that I'm almost ready to throw it out of an airlock. If that isn't bad enough, whenever we're on duty he makes silly noises, always flirts with female staff even if we're in the middle of doing something, taps beats on the trolley and always confuses 14B's with 14F's! He's useless, absolutely useless and disgusting! I can't believe I have to share my sleeping quarters with this thing.

As you can tell from my rant, diary, I haven't been able to get much done with this idiot around. My shift has gone bonkers; none of them will listen to me! I've had three complaints of wrong orders coming out of the vending machines in the last four weeks! That's far too many! No other shift would have as many complaints as mine; they wouldn't have any complaints at all in fact. Once again I have failed in my duties. I am ashamed of myself.

Speaking of failing I once again flunked the astronavigation exam. I went in, looked at the paper and choked. I wrote 'I am a fish' four hundred times on the exam paper, signed my name and then fainted on the spot like a sissy girl. I don't think I'm ever going to become an officer.

Signing off,
A.J Rimmer

All thoughts of first impressions left Lister's head. So now he got to the Rimmer he knew, the neurotic, uptight asshole that couldn't handle a little roughing if his life depended on it. This a few weeks after Lister joined, and what few weeks it had been. Those were the days.

Lister decided to read one more entry, he would leave the rest for later but he couldn't help himself. Flicking a few pages deeper he opened the diary and began reading once again.

April 17th 3048

Dear diary,

Things have only gotten worse since I last wrote in you. Lister has become an even bigger pain in my backside; it feels as though we're an old married couple – arguing every chance we get. I'm sick of it. And to think we might have been friends. I don't know whose fault it is that things turned out this way – his for being so grotesque and pathetic, or mine for being too quick to judge. Either way, he hates me now and I hate him, it seems things we'll probably stay like this until we get back to Earth.

I failed my astronavigation exam yet again. That's the eleventh time in succession. I even tried to cheat this time – I wrote information all over my body – when I went in I rolled up one of my sleeves and because I had been sweating from nervousness the whole thing just smudged over my arm. All I could do was press my hand down on th paper and hope by some miracle the words would magically appear on it. They didn't. I signed my name, did a full Rimmer and then fainted again. I am not bad. I am ridiculously least I'm not as bad as Lister though.

I think it's time for me to throw in the towel. I just can't do it, I'll never be an officer, never. Mother and father will probably never speak to me again, and I'll never hear the end of it from John and Howard. I'm a nobody and a nothing, and that's what I'll always be.

I give up.

Signing off,
Nobody of importance

Lister closed the diary and three it into the sack he had been carrying his load around in. He sat down on one of the benches in between the lockers and started playing with one of his dreads quietly.

All Rimmer wanted to do was be successful, that's all he wanted. When Lister thought about it, it really wasn't much to ask. To be recognized by just one person, by at least your parents. No, it wasn't anything big at all. Everybody wanted recognition. Everybody wanted to be important to somebody.

Every single person in Rimmer's life had shunned him, even Lister. He had never been important to anybody.

Lister put the dreadlock in his mouth and started chewing on it glumly. This was his fault, not completely but partly at least. It was his fault that Rimmer was the way he was. He could have tried to be nice to him, but he never did. He could have tried to put up with Rimmer's anal-retentive habits but he didn't. He mocked them. He laughed at them. He put Rimmer down and not once tried to lift him up again. He never tried to understand Rimmer's situation, take a step in his shoes, see it from his perspective, look through his eyes. He just took it as it appeared and told Rimmer he was a complete smeghead like everybody else. He was a terrible person.

He would make it up to Rimmer.

He had to.

Without a second thought, Lister jumped up and ran out of the storage bay leaving his haul on the ground, among it Rimmer's diary, forgotten.

"Kryten, do you think bringing back Arnold was a good idea?"

Kryten looked up from the table he was scrubbing in the exam room at Holly and blinked. "Why do you ask, Holly?"

The old computer frowned and looked down. "I suppose it's just that I'm senile, right, and sometimes I wonder if the decisions I make aren't complete stupid."

The sanitation mechanoid nodded and continued scrubbing the table with the sponge he held. "No argument that you're senile. However I don't think that bringing Mr Rimmer back was a mistake. You see the fact that Mr Rimmer and Mr Lister don't get along is what keeps Mr Lister sane; there's always something for him to do, to annoy Mr Rimmer, or be told off by Mr Rimmer, or complain about Mr Rimmer. With the added bonus that he can speak to Mr Rimmer if he wants to as well."

"What if I had brought back Kochanski instead?"

Kryten snapped his neck up. "Well if I had to guess I'd say they'd be doing a lot of that strange thing where they rub their bodies together horizontally. It's quite peculiar but apparently humans get some sort of pleasure out of it."

Holly nodded. "You're probably right."

"Do you not like Mr Rimmer?" Kryten inquired.

Holly looked at Kryten. "If you want my honest opinion I don't really like anybody, all they do is boss me around. Holly turn off the lights, Holly set a course for Earth, Holly watch out for that giant flaming meteorite. It's bloody annoying."

Kryten looked at the computer quizzically. "Well you do run the ship."

"Yeah, but I'm not their mum."

Kryten shook his head. "Whatever you say Holly."

Holly nodded triumphantly. "Damn straight."

To Be Continued…

Ahoy!

I forgot to mention when this story is supposed to be set. Truthfully, it's kind of a non-existent time frame that doesn't occur in the series or the books. It's set at a time where Kryten has joined the rest of the crew, the male version of Holly is still present, Rimmer is a hardlight hologram and they're all still on Red Dwarf. Not in Starbug.

If you haven't read the books then the diary entries might be a bit confusing since the first two are referencing the books timeline, while the third one refers to the first episode of the show. I made up the dates, as it is never actually said which year it's supposed to be, or month or day for that matter.

I also made up the very first bit about the space/time jump theorum. It doesn't exist, it's just mumbo jumbo. But I'm sure you all figured that out xD

I had fun writing the start of this chapter with Rimmer and the Cat.

Hope you enjoyed the second chapter!

Amber***