Heeeelloooooooo again!
After many long, hard days of enduring high school, lots of homework and The Blood of Olympus...
We are finally publishing this! Yay!
So, for anyone who is just picking this up, please note that this is the SEQUEL to our other fanfiction, 14 Gods around the World. It is probably possible, based on my Athena logic, that you can read this without reading 14 Gods, but we highly suggest that you do because there will be several plot points and running jokes that will tie directly into it.
Now, before we start... there are a few things we would like to address. First off... I'm Hermie, this is Thennie, daughters of Hermes and Athena respectively. If you have any questions about our mythological content, we will be delighted to answer. Please PM us and check out the Mythology Policy on our wall.
Second, we started writing this before Blood of Olympus came out, so not everything will tie perfectly into it. We won't be going into detail of what happened after, but play along and enjoy. The most important example is... well...
Remember that one guy, from that one camp, who everyone hated, who kinda died in BoO? That guy. He's alive, roll with it, and don't worry.
We're gonna kill him!
Next... there is mention of both drugs and alcohol in this chapter. We do not support or condone either, drugs and alcohol are bad, don't do them, and if you're having a bad day, hugs help.
It also might be awhile before we can get chapter two up, but don't worry. It's been planned thoroughly and is coming! We don't intend on finishing this story for a while.
Finally... The Canadian jokes. All Canadians in the audience, you'll see right through them. We are both Canadian and made fun of our Quebecistan with pride. Americans, you haven't lived until you have ridden a polar bear in a hockey jersey in 50 below 0 degrees while maple syrup by the gallon while apologizing to any igloo owners whose homes we crush on the way to the hockey game. That, my friend, is life.
DISCLAIMER: Rick Riordan has officially finished the Percy Jackson series. We're still going strong. Long live Canada.
"Bunjur, mon ami! Je maple Zeus! Ou est you? Je suis la god de la… La… Sky! And la lightning! And je swiss la king de la gods, alors do as I dit!"
"I'm sorry… but I speak English, too, you know. Tourists always assume it'd all be French but… us Canadians are pretty good at both…" The man at the information desk glanced over Zeus' shoulder. "Oh, hello again, Lady Athena."
"Hi Marc." She replied. Zeus turned to his daughter.
"What? He could speak English, and you didn't tell me? I didn't need to pack those snow shoes, either, did I? There's hardly any snow in Toronto! Hermes!"
"Well…" Marc spoke up, fidgeting with his hands. "If you went to a place like Manitoba or Alberta, you'd find tons of snow, but Toronto's a big city, so we don't get much."
"Is that so?"
"So, Lady Athena, you were serious about moving in here, eh?" Marc asked, nervously. Athena stepped up to the desk.
"Yeah… We might have destroyed all of America… So, we need a temporary place. We considered Europe, but there were too many bad possibilities coming up… That, and we only had two minutes, really. So, we're moving in to the CN Tower, and if you don't mind, we could use an Olympus built pretty quickly."
"Aren't you going to do that? And what about Hephaestus? Shouldn't you two be the ones in charge of it, not us?" Zeus snapped his fingers.
"I knew we were forgetting someone! We left Hephaestus and Dionysus in Brazil or something!"
"You did what to my father?" Marc asked, cocking his brow. Zeus placed his hand on the desk and sighed. "Well, now I get a feeling Cheryl isn't going to be happy. She's Dionysus' daughter."
"Point being, we'll be back in a week." Zeus handed Marc a big red button, a long tube containing blue prints for Olympus and a small stick on fire inside an empty jam jar. "You'll need to keep this well-lit. If it goes out, we're all screwed. Have a nice day."
"YOU DID WHAT?!"
"Chiron, little bro, please, calm down!"
"Poseidon, I am older! Now, you listen to me. You call me in the middle of dinner to tell me that Hestia accidentally destroyed America and you expect me to uproot the entire camp, sending at least a hundred kids into the wilderness to live in a cornfield in Saskatchewan until you get us a temporary camp built? We're fine as it is right now! Besides, remember what happened last time when we moved to America? Half the kids got sick, half of those died on arrival, and those who were left got slaughtered by the red coats! How do we know that England isn't going to randomly attack Canada, because they need to add a new colony to their collection, and we're all going to die again? Huh?" In the mist of the Iris message, Poseidon scratched the side of his head. The campers were all staring at him in silence, Chiron was yelling at him, and one of the younger campers burst into tears and cowered under the table.
"Well… Actually, I was going to suggest you come stay in the hotel across the street from us… Hermes is loaded, so he booked the whole place just for you guys." Chiron's tail swished in frustration.
"Oh… Well, ahem, in that case, I guess we can go… How do you suppose we get there? We can't exactly drive across a destroyed nation in buses."
"Uh… yeah… I haven't thought that far… You'll work it out. I mean, my son's able to cross from one side of the nation to another in less than ten days! What could possibly go wrong? Just consider it a big quest! You'll all get free weapons when you get here!" Chiron gritted his teeth.
"Poseidon… If there's anything else you have to tell me while I'm still furious, do it now." He managed. It seemed strange to some of the campers that the half horse man was talking nasty to the horse god. Some of them were waiting to see if he would turn into a clownfish or something.
"Well…" Poseidon cleared his throat awkwardly and pulled at the collar of his shirt. "There was this group of terrorists in Antarctica who tried to blow up the camp about half an hour ago with four nuclear missiles… But you don't have to worry! Hera and Ares stopped them with a sword, a blowtorch and…" Poseidon turned to the side. "What was it again?"
"Butter knife!" Ares called.
"Right. Butter knife."
"You are the worst brother EVER!" Chiron yelled, stamping his hooves and stomping away from the Iris message, his tail swiping through the mist and cutting it off. He stared at the other campers at the tables. "Um…" he cleared his throat. "I… Well… Let's get packing. Apparently, we're moving to Canada for a while."
"So, what are the wagers in this bet again?" Hermes asked.
"Well, you see," Hades began, his arms around his nephew's shoulder as he led him down the hall of the hotel. "I'm going to give you, Ares and Apollo a map of Canada-"
"Oh, I've already got one." Hermes held up his phone, which his uncle promptly plucked from his hands. "Hey!"
"A blank one." He continued. "The wager is, you three have to fill in at least five states with the correct names. If you somehow manage to do it, you guys get to do whatever you want to me. If I win, however, you have to do whatever I want you to do."
"Does that go for the three of us or all of the Olympians?" Hermes asked. A wicked smile grew on Hades' face.
"You'll see. Now, you can't use this, so I'll be taking it for a while." Hades put Hermes' phone in his pocket as they entered a conference room with a table and lots of chairs. Ares was spinning a knife around on it, looking bored, while Apollo was having trouble deciding between two shirts he had laid on the table in front of him.
"Hermes!" He jumped from his seat. "Please, lil' bro! You gotta help me! Should I like the Leafs or the Canadians?" Hermes thought.
"Well, I already like the Leafs, so you could like the Habs, and then every game we could have fist fights and throw beer and popcorn at each other."
"Oh." Apollo shrugged his shoulders. "As long as you don't spill any maple syrup on me, I'm cool with it!" He pulled the Montreal Canadians jersey over his shirt.
"Oh, for the record, I think Artemis likes the Canucks." Apollo pulled on his shirt.
"Should I switch teams? I don't want my baby sister to cry when my team beats hers!" Ares threw his knife at Apollo.
"Just deal with it. I'm sticking with the Flames. They remind me of war. And Ma."
"Why?"
"Have you seen her when she gets angry?!"
"Unfortunately, yes."
"Moving on, boys!" With a flourish, Hades whipped a piece of paper from his robes. "This is a map of Canada. As said before, name five states, win a fabulous prize or get shamed for all eternity. You have…" Hades pulled out Hermes' phone. "Ten minutes. Go!" Apollo pulled a pen from his pocket.
"Okay… let's see… Whoa."
"What?" Hermes peeked over his shoulder.
"They only have, like, eight states here! It's so big!"
"More room for war, if only this place wasn't so damn peaceful and didn't have free health care. Then we could get a nice little party going on." Ares said. "Let's call this one Quebec." He pointed to one of the biggest areas to the East of the country. "I think I remembered decapitating a few Brits there, like, two hundred years back. 1812 was awesome man."
"I think that's right…" Apollo wrote in Quebec. "And this one next to it is Ontario. It's where we are right now." He wrote the name of the next area beside Quebec. "Now… does anyone know any other ones?"
"Oh… This one…" Hermes took the pen and wrote in the last area on the bottom. "Is Victoria."
"Oh… Really?" Apollo asked. "Now that I think about it, I remember reading somewhere that one was named after some British… Thing… So yeah, that works."
"How about this one?" Ares grabbed the pen and scribbled something in beside Ontario.
"This is Gunland." he said. "Cuz if you turn it this way," He spun the map clockwise. "It looks kinda like a gun. Ma taught me that when killing things, you need to use your imagination, so I'm doing it."
"Oh!" Hermes pointed frantically at the map. "Athena and I went here three hours ago! I ran around in these crop circles in wheat fields… Ugh… what's it called… It's like Kansas… But with a bit of Alabama…" His eyes lit up. "Kanabama!" Apollo and Ares stared at him.
"Sure."
"How about this small one that I could crush with my foot?" Ares asked. "I think it's the place that that famous ginger comes from…"
"You mean Anne of Green Gables?" Apollo asked. Ares shrugged.
"All I know is she got Diana drunk one day." Apollo cocked his brow.
"I thought Artemis couldn't hold her alcohol… Oh well. Next time I go out drinking, she'll join me. So… what else do we know about this place?"
"They eat potatoes, right?"
"Right! So it's like… the Potato Eating… Island?" Hermes suggested. The boys thought of a moment and glanced over their shoulders at their uncle, who was knitting a very large, three necked, white and red sweater for his dog. "Right… So… Potato Eating Island sounds good, so let's just make it P.E.I instead."
"Why P.E… P.P… P.P.I?" Ares asked.
"Because the place is too tiny and abbreviation looks fancier." Hermes replied as he put the name in. So far, they had six out of the thirteen filled in.
"Okay, what about this one?" Ares pointed to the largest, most northern area on the map. "I think it's where the Indians have dog sledding races, right?"
"It's Native American, Ares." Hermes corrected. "Or Aboriginal Peoples. Not Indian. And for those up here, I think it's… Well… It sounds like I Knew It."
"Whatever. So, what are we going to call it?" Apollo asked. "Maybe… since the I Knew It thing comes in here… Wiseland?" Ares slapped him upside the head.
"No, you moron! You want to give Athena her own state before me? Wiseland sounds stupid! Let's just call it Iceland!"
"That's already a country!" Hermes said. Ares glared at him.
"How do you know?"
"Hetalia."
"What the hell is that?"
"Four minutes!" Hades called, followed by him cussing in Greek about dropping stitches.
"Okay, it needs to be something native sounding!" Hermes said. "Like… Umm… Nunavut!"
"Not that either stupid. It makes no sense. I mean, look." Ares pointed to the area they were examining. "It's so freakin big, how is there None Of It?"
"Let's call it Oromocto!" Apollo said. They stared blankly at him. "I like O sounds."
"Here next." Hermes pointed to the one to the left of Oromocto. "It's kinda stuck in the middle, and it's to the north, so… Umm… Maybe we should combine different words!"
"North West Empire." Ares suggested. "North West Kingdom. North West Socialist Federation?"
"I'm pretty sure Canadians aren't communists." Apollo replied. "I like the North West thing though… Um… Territories?"
"That sounds good."
"I'm calling this one R.M.H" Ares wrote the initials in the rectangular shaped area below N.W.T. "It stands for Reserved for Moose Hunting!"
"I don't think that's…" Ares flipped the pen at Apollo's neck.
"You wanna go?" he hissed. The sun god shook his head.
"No, I mean it's already in there, so…"
"You still wanna go?"
"No, thanks."
"What about here?" Hermes pointed to a tiny little spot beside Quebec and P.E.I. "It's so small I nearly missed it… I actually think I have a few kids there, too…"
"Oh, that's Quebecistan." Apollo answered, taking the pen.
"Quebecistan? Why not just call it New Quebec?" Ares looked like he was going to punch his brother.
"Oh my gods, Hermes, you can't just put New in front of things. It sounds lame! It's Quebecistan because there's war there!"
"Since when?"
"18 freakin' 12!" Ares slammed his hand into the table, denting it. That was now his designated seat for the rest of the time.
"You boys have twenty seconds!" Hades called over the silent clicking of his needles.
"Okay, I'm calling this one…" Apollo wrote in a final name in the area beside N.W.T.
"Time!" Hades pulled the paper from their hands and looked it over, comparing it to the map on Hermes' phone. "Okay… so…" he furrowed his brow. "Apollo, I don't think Igloonia is a state in Canada." Apollo's shoulders dropped, and he began to compose a haiku about his sorrow.
Igloonia
It makes me sad that you don't
Really exist
"Only four…" Came Hades' voice. "Quebec and Ontario are good, and so is that North West Territories. P.E.I… I'm amazed you got that one!" Hades flipped the phone shut and kept looking. "Okay… most of these are wrong… that gives you four so…" His face, if at all possible, paled. "I actually… Think Quebecistan is right… NOOOO!" he screamed, dramatically bending back to the roof. There was loud stomping, probably Demeter, from above them, telling him to shut up. Hermes high fived Apollo while Ares was fiddling with his pocket knife.
"So the three of us get to anything we want to you now?" Hermes asked, excitedly. Hades whimpered and buried his face in his sweater.
This was the start of one of the biggest mistakes of his life.
"Sir, we've got another nuke!"
"What did he just say?"
"Oh, nothing, Lady Juno! Nothing at all!" Octavian stuttered. "He was saying another guy puked! You see, there's this nasty stomach bug going around Camp Jupiter, and it seems like everyone's-"
"I don't care, Octavian. The point is, Hestia-"
"You mean Vesta?"
"Do not cut me off while I am speaking." Juno snapped on the other end of the phone. "We were Greek. Hestia destroyed America, you'll get your answers when we give them to you. You all need to move to Canada or you'll die alone in America. I'm sure Zhang can tell you what to pack so you don't all die of hypothermia when you get there, but you don't have to listen to him, because I don't like you." She hung up. Octavian held the phone away from his ear, awkwardly.
"Well…" He turned to Reyna and Jason, who were listening in from the speakers. He motioned to the camper who ran in to get out and keep quiet. Hopefully they'd do the smart thing and hide the nuke under his bed. "It looks like we're moving to Canada." Jason raised an eyebrow.
"Well, at least Frank will be happy?" Reyna sighed.
"Honestly, if I hear one more thing about free health care and bacon..."
"And maple syrup." Reyna glared at him.
"Where does she expect us to stay? The camp has never relocated itself in over two centuries. And we have the whole city of New Rome to worry about, too…"
"I say we stay put." Octave proclaimed. "Last night, I sliced open a stuffed beaver and it foretold of horrible luck if we left the country!"
"Wasn't that what Frank got Hazel for her birthday?" Reyna asked. Jason nodded, slowly. They both looked to Octavian. "It didn't have a red ribbon around its neck, did it?" Octavian glanced nervously around the room.
"Maybe… I don't remember."
"Hey! Athena! Why haven't you answered the phone? Athena! Answer me!" Hera pounded on Athena's hotel room door. The gods had managed to book an entire hotel for their usage while they stayed in Canada. After noticing the disappearance of Dionysus and Hephaestus, Zeus had decided that a new Olympus wasn't really a smart idea for them to make on their own, which wouldn't be used much anyway, and wasn't willing to go after his son and son in-law to get it started. If Dionysus got hung over on his restriction time and Hephaestus was drinking his fill knowing he couldn't hold alcohol, they deserved it in Zeus' book.
"Calm down, Hera!" Demeter said. "She's probably just enjoying a nice, big bowl of cereal."
"For the record, Demeter, no one really enjoys that." Artemis groaned.
"Can we focus on Athena for a moment?" Hestia asked. "I'm worried that she's gone Roman on us and destroyed her room and gone beserk and-"
"That's enough hot cocoa for you." Hera said. She kept banging. "Athena, you have until the count of five to open this door. One. Two. Three. Four... Five..?" The other goddesses threw themselves against the wall on the opposite side of the hallway, their hands over their ears and eyes shut tightly. Hera looked at them, confused. "What?" Demeter popped open one eye.
"What happens after five?" she asked. Hera shrugged.
"I dunno. I never got past three when I used it on Apollo and Hermes. I just whacked Ares to get him to do what I want. That boy doesn't know numbers."
"Now I'm actually starting to worry about her." Artemis began, stepping up to the door and peeking in the wrong end of the eye hole. "I can't see much, but it's dark, and I think I see stuff glowing in there." Hestia sighed.
"And just when I thought we could keep her away from the laboratory..." she said. "Looks like she's transformed her hotel suite into a hotel solution!" Everyone stared blankly at Hestia. "It was supposed to be a science joke?" Hestia replied, half asking herself.
"Aww, forget it. I'm breaking in." Hera reached into the air and pulled a tiny revolver out of nowhere. She aimed it at the door's swipe lock.
"Now, hold a moment, Hera." Demeter pushed her sister's hand down. "Remember what Mother always said? Think about it the logical way before doing it the violent way."
"Wouldn't don't point a weapon at someone unless they have one to point back count?" Hestia asked. Demeter shrugged.
"Just think about it like this." she continued, battling Hera's glare. "What would happen if you shot the lock? It would cause a mini fire, alarms would go off, police that shouldn't know we're gods would come, my cereal might burn because we can't have anyone come and put out the fire, Persephone is in a weird coma, so you could hurt her, too-"
"This is a revolver. I have extra bullets in my pocket. I can take a few mortals and the dead Dead Queen." Demeter looked ready to shove her foot up Hera's rear when Artemis stepped up to the door, slid a card into the slot and pushed open the door. "You had that the whole time?!" Hera asked, angrily. Artemis shrugged.
"You're entertaining. You can't really blame me for that." They entered the room. They were met by the sight of Athena breathing deeply into a beaker of white powder, her hair in a messy bun and wearing nothing but a bath robe, which was half undone, and a pair of fuzzy owl slippers. Athena suddenly started coughing violently and waving her hand in front of her nose.
"Phew!" she managed, sticking her tongue out. "That's some strong stuff!"
"Athena?!" The other goddess's jaws dropped to the floor. Athena looked at them, taking a few seconds to register their existence.
"Athena Roxanne Metis Goddess-Of-Wisdom! You have some explaining to do, young lady!" Hera yelled as she grabbed the front of Athena's housecoat. Athena clung to the beaker for dear life with both hands. Hestia started crying.
"Oh centaur dung..." she muttered. "Okay, before you judge me or anything, just let me tell you what's actually going on here! So, since we've come to Canada-"
"Not even for an hour…" Demeter muttered.
"I've had this awful cold. So, I tried taking a hot bath, but I think I made it a little too hot, because the water evaporated-"
"For real or a hallucination?" Artemis muttered.
"Real. So, I needed something else to relax me with all this happening, something to make me feel happy again!" Hestia burst into tears.
"Athena, drugs are never the answer!" she cried, clinging to Athena's legs. "You drop that meth right now!"
"Who said anything about drugs?" Athena asked, cocking her brow. "These are bath salts."
"That's not any better!"
"Like, Epson salts. You know, you put them in the water and it smells nice and helps your complexion?"
"Oh… That's okay then…"
"I don't believe it." Hera scoffed. "You drop that beaker right now, young lady or I'll-"
"Let me explain. Please." Athena continued, her eyes still really wide. "These are my homemade, maple syrup scented bath salts. You can borrow some if you want, and if you don't like maple syrup," She revealed the rack of test tubes behind her, each full of colorful powder. "I have rose, lavender, honey, peppermint… Ancient Greece, olive and even pomegranate." Demeter backed up and made a cross with her fingers. Hera edged forward, then backed away.
"Really?" she asked. "And how has your cold been now?" Athena sneezed violently.
"Still not so good."
"And have you been making anything else since we got here?" Hera continued, her interrogation still going strong.
"No. It's been these, and I worked on this tree, too. It's a maple tree, and I've been extracting sap from it so I can make the… What are those?" There was a potted tree in the corner of her hotel suite, lit by florescent blue lights to help it grow. At the bottom of the pot, little green plants had begun to grow. Everyone turned to Athena. Artemis' eyes flared.
"You've been doing drugs?!" She yelled. "Gods, Athena! And I thought I could trust you!"
"No, I swear I-"
"I knew she was lying! I always knew you were no good!" Hera yelled. "Must have been from being in Zeus' head… I wish I could feel sympathy for you, but I hate you too much for you to deserve it!"
"Why didn't you tell us, Athena?!" Hestia yelled. "I think I'm gonna be sick…" Athena stared at the chaos she had created.
"I didn't… I swear I didn't…"
"What's going on?" Demeter asked. Everyone turned to her.
"Athena's growing pot!" Hera yelled. "Haven't you been here the whole time?!"
"No I haven't!" Athena yelled. "It has been scientifically proven that you cannot grow pot beside a maple tree!"
"Oh, so that's how it is, is it?" Hera asked, wheeling around on Athena again. "Wait till I tell your father… Then Hestia can have her seat on Olympus back! And that no good drunkard will be history…"
"Umm… Actually… I think the pot was me." Demeter said. They all turned to her. "Sorry… Athena mentioned pomegranates, my worst enemy who is conspiring with Hades to kidnap Persephone again every year, so my nervous habit kicked in."
"So, is that why poppies just grew all over the place in the nineteenth century?" Artemis asked. Athena nodded.
"Opium was all the rage." Hera glared at her, but was cut off by Hestia, who, if possible, scowled at Demeter.
"You have been doing drugs?" she hissed. Demeter backed away, nervous.
"No, it's just that…"
"Demeter, I am your older sister! Tell me the truth!" Hestia yelled. Suddenly, the maple tree burst into flames. Athena screamed.
"No!" she cried, throwing off her house coat onto the tree. "Not my salts… This… You're ruining my bath salts! No!" What followed was Hestia chasing Demeter from the room, Hera running after them with her revolver, telling them to both calm down or she'd shoot them. Artemis stared awkwardly at Athena, who was sulking by her desk.
"Athena?" she asked. Athena looked up at her, currently in what Artemis would call a drug with drawl phase.
"Yeah?" she sniffled.
"Put some clothes on."
Then the sprinkler turned on.
Athena's reaction was… We'd better not go into detail.
First chapter!
That was... interesting.
Oh, don't worry Thennie! We all know your mom isn't ACTUALLY like that, right?
Yeah... I... I hope...
Please review, favorite and follow! Suggestions are always welcome and will be considered. We may not be able to, since we often consider this story a dumping place for all our funny ideas that are too short to be stories of their own, and it is mostly planned out. But please, keep your ideas coming.
And now... our traditional lead into the next chapter!
"Hera, what's wrong?"
"I feel so... soo naked..."
"Umm... You're wearing a house coat."
"It's gone, Demeter! My Precious!"
"I thought that was Poseidon's thing... and Minerva's."
"Demeter! My wedding ring is gone!"