The next forty minutes are a blur to me. I don't really pay attention to what the doctor says. I don't greet the nurse that comes in to take me away for more tests. I just sit there and stare at the wall, silently crying as I repeat to myself over and over again that this is it. Seventeen years of life is all I've been granted. And I've wasted them.
"Would you like me to phone somebody for you, Andrea?" The nurse asks crouching beside my seat and rubbing my back soothingly.
I'm barely conscious of it all. If I was I might have snapped her hand clean off. Instead I shake my head. Nobody is going to find out about this. She sighs like she wants to argue but thankfully she doesn't. She respects my choice. She must have had this conversation so many times. I wonder vaguely whether its always one-sided like this. After a long discussion about treatments and possible therapy groups, which I'm so not listening to at all, she tells me it's time to go and I nod again. I shakily stand up and thank the doctor, who again promises he's going to help me as much as he can. I just nod. I'm not really taking any of it in as the nurse leads me out into the hallway with another friendly smile after that. I don't get it. How can they be so happy working here?
"Okay miss Jackson-"
"Andrea," I mumble quietly, "Nobody calls me Miss"
She nods, and guides me over to a seat by the reception desk, "I've just got to go print off your schedule for the next couple months and then you're good to go"
I laugh. Good to go. Yeah.
The nurse hurries off and I sit back and close my eyes. Im thinking about the others back at home. About what excuse I'm going to give them for being away today. I can't tell them I'm sick. I just can't. I settle into all the reasons and lies I could give the girls. I let my mind drift and wander. Its ironic really. I've never been scared of death before. I used to see the beauty in it. But now it's coming to get me? To say I'm fucking terrified doesn't quite cut it. I'm literally just shy of shitting myself
"You look like you've had the worst news" A voice calls out to me from across the room.
I open my eyes and glance over at a boy sat opposite me in the corner. He smiles when I look over at him but I can't smile back. Not just because I don't smile for anything, but because his appearance just jams everything in my head.
He looks pale, very pale. And that's coming from the head emo of st trinians here. And he's thin, thinner than what a boy should be. His clothes look a little big for him but I know it's not a mistake his mum made buying them from the store. My eyes drift up to the bandages around his wrist where tests have been carried out, to the dark rings under his eyes. And they settle on the grey beanie he's got covering his head. He can't be any older than me. And he looks so fragile.
I look away. I can't stand it. But when I do I notice other people in the waiting room that look like him; pale and weak. And I feel the tears coming again with this one thought blowing through my mind;
That's going to be me.
"So... What're you in for?"
I jump. How the hell did he get from over there to right next to me without me realising? I must be getting soft in my shellshocked condition or something. The boy smiles at my reaction and holds a hand out.
"I'm Josh" he says waving his hand a little when I don't react. I just stare down at it, "Okay... I see handshakes aren't your thing... How about a fist bop?" He curls his outstretched hand into a fist and I'm suddenly reminded of Taylor and all the other chavs back home and it's too much for me right now.
My body trembles and I quickly turn away from him before he can see me cry. Josh doesn't say anything. Maybe he's seen lots of girls come in here like this. I hear him shift a little in his seat. Maybe I'm making him uncomfortable. I try to tell myself not to care but he's sick too. I don't want him being uncomfortable. Not over me. I quickly wipe my eyes and turn to face him again so I can apologise. And I jump when I'm suddenly pulled forward into him. He wraps his arms around me and let's out a few deep breaths that rattle slightly in his chest. Usually I'd have kicked his ass all the way to fucking France for touching me but for some reason I don't mind. It's bloody freaking me out but I find I don't mind him holding me. I just don't mind. I think maybe I need it. I need to contact to make me feel human. Not just some sick patient.
"What're you doing?" I whisper watching new tears stain his grey thermal top. When I look down at the collar I realise he's wearing at least three layers. And he's still shivering?
He quietly chuckles and I smile when it bounces my head against him
"Hugging" he replies simply in a voice that tells me he's smiling. He says it like it's the most obvious thing in the world, and yeah it kind of is, but I'm thinking about the twins now. They'd have said the exact same thing the exact same way.
I sniff back the next wave of tears, "Why?" I rasp
"Because you looked like you needed it" he whispers gently. His palm strokes up my back and I nod against his chest. I did need it.
We sit like that for another couple of minutes before I start getting a little insecure and embarrassed. I'm not quite sure what's come over me today. Between crying rivers and letting people hug me I feel completely all over the place. I really need to get a grip.
"Um, thanks and everything.. but um.." I lean up away from him and attempt a smile but it just doesnt happen. I swallow another breath and carry on, "I-.. I think I'm done hugging complete strangers for today"
He lets me go immediately. He must feel how stressed Im beginning to feel. He takes his hands back and I sit up straight again. I quickly wipe my eyes again before I look back at him. He's still smiling at me. I don't understand why though. I must look like such a freak right now.
"Why do you look like that?" I ask tilting my head at him. He frowns then and I've got to say Im so relieved for it. I was beginning to think he didn't do bad emotions.
"Like what?"
I narrow my eyes at him, "Happy..."
He chuckles amused and shakes his head at the floor. When he looks up again he's grinning like he's high. Maybe he is. I have no idea what drugs they give you here but fuck, if they make me that optimistic..
"Is it against the law now to be happy?" He challenges throwing me a smirk. His eyes sparkle with his sarcasm and I can't stop myself staring at them. They're blue, like Celia's but a much darker shade. And they look so honest. Like if I asked he'd tell me anything.
He arches an eyebrow at me to reiterate the challenge. He's a cocky bastard, huh. Whatever. I smile anyway and he fist pumps the air
"And she smiles! I am too cool for words"
"Yeah right" I mutter under my breath. He reminds me of Kelly. She's a little big headed like that too.
I know josh heard my sarcastic reply but he doesn't seem offended. Which I'm glad about really. I don't have the energy right now to fight. He looks me over and I get uncomfortable again. Thankfully a hand touching my shoulder pulls both our attention away. I look up at the nurse and accept the large brown envelope she's handing me. Its hefty. Im half worried I'll open it and find an actual tree inside. She gives me a smile and tells me her number is on the front sheet of my schedule if I need anything. I swallow thickly. Suddenly I'm scared shitless again. It surprised me a lot that I managed to relax a little in the last half hour. The nurse touches my shoulder when I stay quiet and I nod at her. She smiles warmly and looks away to the boy next to me.
"Okay, ready for round three, Josh?" She asks nodding towards the hallway.
He makes a face and groans before he reluctantly climbs to his feet. He's a little unsteady as he straightens up fully, he sways. She and I both grab him to steady him and he flashes us both a grateful smile before patting our hands off. He looks at her with a smile before turning to face me again. She gets that he wants a word in privet and tells him she'll be waiting in the room. I eye him suspiciously. What does he want to say? I'm all nervous now and I hate that. He doesn't say anything though and when I look back beside us I realise why. We're not alone yet.
The nurse - I should probably learn her name at some point - just chuckles and starts to walk away, stopping down the hall to give him a stern look. I smirk as he scuffs his shoe against the tile floor and I gently nudge him in the ribs with my elbow. I feel bad when he winces. I thought I'd been gentle. I decide not to focus on it.
"You better go before you get detention" I tease earning myself another smile. I don't know why but I'm really starting to like him smiling. He chuckles back at me
"This ain't school," he shrugs and makes to go but stops again. He takes a deep breath and looks back at me, "This is gonna sound real tacky, but can I catch your number?"
I shake my head. I've known this dude all of twenty minutes. Granted two of those twenty minutes were spent letting him hug me but still. I'm not a very trusting person. Besides this is a hospital! Who cruises in a hospital?! He's right. It is tacky. Like, really tacky.
He pouts at me and I bite back a laugh. He looks just like Chelsea. It's amazing me just how many Trinian traits I'm finding in this guy. Josh looks up at me from under his lashes and I gotta admit it's cute. But it still won't work.
"How about your name then?" He tries.
I shrug and start walking away. Im not letting him in. I've already got enough on my plate. I hear him laugh after me.
"I'll just guess it then shall I?!" He shouts out earning himself a stern telling off from all the nurses at the desk. I look back at him. He's still stood there waiting for an answer. I roll my eyes,
"Fine" I relent."Guess it"
"I will. 'Til next time then" he calls softly with a wave.
I nod and wave back. I don't know if I will see josh again but I kind of want to. After this entire nightmare of a morning he's actually made me feel better. But all good feelings come to an end, right?
I leave the hospital step out onto the street. I stand there for nearly ten minutes just breathing in the fresh air, trying vainly to rid the smell of bleach from my nose. I feel so sick and shaky. The brown envelope is so heavy in my hand. It keeps reminding me of everything. And I'd much rather forget. But I know that'll never happen. How could I forget something like this? I steal a deep breath and walk back to the minivan I stole from the ecos earlier. I say stole, celia saw me creep into the garage earlier and gave me the keys I slid into the drivers seat and i just sit there for ages staring at the brown envelope sitting on the dash. I've never really thought about my future but I suppose that now I don't have to. It's all there in that envelope. The rest of my life all wrapped up in brown paper.
The car starts and the calming sound of the ecos mix cd fills my ears as I take another huge breath. I remember how cool josh seemed about everything and tell myself I can be like that too.
I have to be right?
"Okay," I breathe out gripping the wheel tight, "Time for school"