Muppets Go To Japan
By Cullen Pittman
Chapter 2
We see Miss Piggy walking down the streets of Tokyo while Beauregard was trying to catch up carrying a whole bunch of shopping bags. "Do you see anything else you want to buy, Miss Piggy?" panted Beau.
"Let's see", said Piggy, "So far, I bought a new set of barbells, a couple of cinderblocks, and some cannonballs. Ooooh, this is making my poor muscles ache."
"I thought I was the one carrying all this stuff", said Beau.
"I was talking about my leg muscles", sighed Piggy, "Walking around and shopping can tire a delicate pig like moi-self out." Just then, Piggy looked ahead and saw an onsen which is a Japanense spa. "And a nice hot sauna will help relax moi", smiled Piggy, "Come on Beau!"
* * * * * *
Inside, we see Piggy dressed in a white towel about to enter a sauna room with Beau following behind still holding the shopping bags. "All right, Beau", said Piggy, "I'll only be in there for a few minutes. You just wait out here and watch my bags like a good little janitor."
"Okay, Miss. Piggy", said Beau as he watched Piggy open the door and close it. Beau took out his harmonica and started playing it innocently. Just then, Beau stopped playing and heard some girls giggling. He turned around and saw four Japanese girls in kimonos smiling at him while laughing. "Oh, hello ladies", said Beau. "Did you like my music?" he asked while pointing to his harmonica while the girls nodded their heads. "Hold on, I'll play more for you." Without thinking, Beau pushed the heavy bags in front of the sauna door and joined the girls.
Inside the sauna, Piggy was relaxing while watching the steam dance. "It sure is a good thing we pigs don't sweat", sighed Piggy, but then noticed her arm was getting a little red. "But we could sizzle though", said Piggy, I'd better leave now." Piggy tried to push open the door, but found out she couldn't get it open. "What's going on out there?" she asked, "Why won't this door open? BEAUREGARD!"
Beau was busy talking to the girls. "After a hard day's work, I always seem to find the greatest treasures hidden in my mop", explained Beau. "Like bottlecaps, old dental floss, yo-yo strings, and grape bubble gum."
The girls started giggling for they couldn't understand English, but they thought Beau's innocent sounding babbling was cute. Each girl kissed Beau on the cheeks, handed him pieces of paper, and walked away while waving goodbye. Beau waved back and looked at all the papers. They had names and phone numbers written on them.
"I thought those girls liked me", sighed Beau. "But instead they want me do their math homework for them. And they didn't even leave any plus or equal signs."
"BEAU! GET ME OUT OF HERE!" screamed Piggy. A shocked Beau turned around and saw the heavy shopping bags blocking the sauna door.
"Oopsie! I'm coming Miss. Piggy!" cried Beau as he rushed over and pushed away the bags. He tried to pull open the door, but he ended up pulling off the doorknob causing Piggy to get permanently stuck in there. "Double oopsie!" said Beau. "Is my face red!"
"You're face is red?!" shouted a burning Piggy from inside the sauna, trying to turn the doorknob from her side, but was now too broken to be turned. "If you don't get me out of here soon, I'm gonna stuff you like a turkey and lock you in this hot torture chamber!"
"Don't worry, Piggy", said Beau, "I'll find a way to get you out of there. I'll be right back."
"Can you at least turn off the heat first?" gasped Piggy, "I think I remember seeing a dial on the side of the door before going in."
"I see it right there", said Beau. He looked at the dial, but the writing was in Japanese. "Now which way do I turn to make it cooler?" asked Beau. "I'll just trust my instincts. Piggy always said I stink." Beau turned the dial to the right and rushed off to find help.
Unfortunately, Beau had turned it the wrong way and more steam started to blast into the sauna causing Piggy to get ever hotter. "THAT'S IT!" she shouted. "No one cooks this pig! HYAAAH!" Piggy tried to punch the door down, but with no success. Piggy quickly pulled off her purple glove and found that her hand was shriveled up like bacon. "Oh great!" groaned Piggy, "My life is in the hands of a mindless janitor!" And she sat down in a corner getting steamed, in body and in temper.
* * * * * *
We see Fozzie and Scooter approaching what looked like the entrance to a Japanese comedy club. "Are you sure this is the place, Fozzie?" asked Scooter.
"I've read that this comedy club is where a lot of Japanese comedians got their starts", said Fozzie. "Maybe here in another country, I can be a much bigger star." And the two of them entered the club.
The bear and the boy were at a table watching a young guy telling some jokes in Japanese. The audience was laughing out loud except for Fozzie and Scooter. "Do you have any idea what he's saying?" asked Scooter.
"Hold on, I'm checking my translation book", said Fozzie as he tried to keep track with every Japanese word the comedian was saying. "He's going to fast", sighed Fozzie.
"Hey, Fozzie. I think you're next", said Scooter as the comedian bowed and left the stage.
"Oh, good", said Fozzie, "Go up there and give me a great introduction please." Scooter got on stage and bowed to everyone.
"Hello, everyone", said Scooter, "I am here to introduce a really funny comedian. You might've seen him on your TV on that American variety show, The Muppet Show, either subtitled or dubbed in Japanese. But now you get to see his first live Tokyo debut. And here he is, that fuzzy furry funny man, Fozzie Bear!" The crowd sat quietly as Fozzie danced onto the stage.
"Wocka Wocka! Thank you, thank you, and thank you! Or in your language, arigato, arigato, and arigato!" smiled Fozzie. "It's great to be here in beautiful Tokyo, Japan. So far, my trip here's been great, except for the over 10 hour long flight to get here. And it took me the whole trip to open up my bag of peanuts. And when the plane landed and I finally got the bag open, I found a full grown peanut tree in there. AHHHH?"
The crowd just looked puzzled and uninterested.
"Well, um", said Fozzie, "And how about that airport security? Those security guys had me scanned from top to bottom wanting to see if I had anything dangerous in my clothes. Couldn't they see I was mostly all bear? Get it, bear? Wocka wocka?"
The crowd was now yawning and whispering to each other.
"I'm losing them", thought Fozzie, but then said, "How would you all like to hear a funny haiku? Let's see, first 5 syllables, then 7, then 5 again." Fozzie cleared his throat and recited, "Why chickens cross roads. It get's them to other sides. Wocka, wocka, wock!"
"You call that a haiku?" called out a familiar old man's voice.
"You seem more like a low kook!" said another familiar voice and then old men laughing was heard.
"Waldorf? Statler?" gasped Fozzie as he saw his old arch hecklers sitting at a table. "What are you two doing here in Japan?"
"We're on vacation here", said Waldorf, "To experience some Japanese culture."
"Too bad culture split the minute you got on stage", said Statler.
"You guys are here in Japan?!" gasped Fozzie, "I'm shocked!"
"You should expect that since you're a shock comic", said Waldorf.
"I'm no shock comic!" protested Fozzie.
"Sure you are", said Statler, "It's a shock that they call you a comic."
The two old men started laughing while some of the crowd did too.
"Look", grumbled Fozzie, "I'm here to tell my jokes to all these good people, not you."
"If they're good people, why are you punishing them?" laughed Waldorf. Everyone started laughing while applauding to Waldorf and Statler.
"Thank you. Thank you", said Waldorf and Statler. "We'll be here all week", said Statler. "As long as lousy comedians like that bear will keep coming here", said Waldorf.
Fozzie rushed off the stage in humiliation as he sat back down at his seat next to Scooter.
"Sorry it didn't go so well, Fozzie", said Scooter.
"It never does", wailed Fozzie while covering his face with his hat, "Those people would have to understand English heckling! Maybe I should just give up comedy all together!"
"I am afraid that would not be wise, young bear", said a heavy accented old man's voice. Fozzie looked up and saw someone sitting at the table next to his. It was an old panda bear wearing a red kimono. "We need the gift of comedy in this world of hardships to keep our spirits alive", said the panda as he started munching on a bowl of bamboo sticks. "Bamboo stick?"
"No, thanks", said Fozzie, "It's just that every time I do my comedy acts, these two old guys heckle me and ruin my fun."
"When life keeps throwing rotten tomatoes at you", said the panda, "You must keep thriving until they eventually start throwing sugary sweet cream pies to rid the rotten vegetable smell from your spirit."
"Wow", said Fozzie, "That's deep!"
"I'll tell you what", said the panda he clicked onto a bamboo stick revealing it was a blue marker pen and started writing on some giant cards, "You get back up on that stage and I'll give you some lines to read that will help you out."
"Are you sure about this?" asked Fozzie, nervously as he got up.
"Trust the old Wisdom Panda", smiled the panda, "The master of Heckle Fu."
"Heckle Fu?" asked Fozzie as he slowly approached the stage.
"Aren't pandas like you supposed to be native to China, not Japan?" Scooter asked Wisdom Panda.
"And are American boys like you supposed to have orange yarn for hair?" asked Wisdom Panda.
"So that's a taste of Heckle Fu, huh?" said Scooter rubbing his yarn-like hair.
"Hey, look Statler", said Waldorf, "The bear's getting back on stage!"
"Is he a glutton for punishment or what?" laughed Statler.
Fozzie didn't know what to say until he saw Wisdom Panda in the back behind the two old guys holding up a cue card. Fozzie started reading it.
"You call me a glutton for punishment?!" asked Fozzie, "You're the ones who seem to like punishment when you somehow keep appearing in the places I perform!"
"What, the…?" gasped Waldorf and Statler who actually couldn't think of a way to heckle him back.
"Now, wait just a minute!" demanded Waldorf.
"Why sure", said Fozzie as he saw Wisdom Panda holding up another card and he read it, "You old geezers need all the minutes you can get."
"What do you know about jokes?" shouted Statler.
"I know that I'm looking at two of them right now", smiled Fozzie.
"We've seen comedians over the years that are funnier than you!" shouted Waldorf.
"I didn't know dinosaurs were comedians", smiled Fozzie who had suddenly came up with his own heckle.
The audience started laughing and cheering for Fozzie while Fozzie smiled and said, "Arigato! Or as we say in the U.S.A, Thank you! I love Japan! You're a great audience!"
"Come on, Statler", sighed Waldorf, "Let's get out of here."
"I'll say", said Statler, rubbing his arm, "That bear can really throw some powerful heckle blows. My nurse is gonna ask a lot of questions when she sees my condition." And the two old guys left.
"Did you see me up there, Scooter?" asked Fozzie excitedly, "I actually outheckled Statler and Waldorf! And it's all thanks to my new friend, Wisdom Panda!"
"Where is Wisdom Panda?" asked Scooter. He and Fozzie turned to the table next to them and found the panda gone.
"He left?" asked Fozzie, "Aw, I wanted to thank him."
"He seemed to have left his pen behind and one last card", said Scooter pointing to the table. Fozzie picked up the bamboo pen and read the small card.
"To Fozzie Bear", he read, "I hope your first lessons in the art of Heckle Fu will help you in future comedy spots. Keep reaching for that glorious cloud shaped like a rubber chicken. Many happy days, Wisdom Panda."
"Thank you, oh great heckling sensei", sighed Fozzie as he looked at the bamboo pen he was holding.
* * * * * *
Johnny Fiama and his helper monkey, Sal, were standing in line waiting to get into this bar. "I hear this bar has a lot of cute babes constantly looking for dates", said Sal reading a tour guide book.
"Stick with me, Sal, and you'll have girls galore", said Johnny. When the two finally reached the big strong bouncer standing in front of the door, he looked at the two Muppets.
"You with the green skin and elegant coat and tie", said the bouncer, "You look cool and sophisticated. You may enter."
"Thanks, pal", said Johnny, "Come on, Sal."
"Not so fast", said the bouncer, "The monkey stays out here. No pets allowed."
"Who are you calling a pet you big lummox?" growled Sal as he started to jump around making fists.
"Take it easy, Sal", said Johnny as he turned to the bouncer, "Sal's okay. He's just my helper monkey."
"I am sorry", said the bouncer, "But he is still a smelly monkey. He could bring diseases into the bar if I allowed him in."
"The only disease I'll bring is a bad case of whooping on your butt if you don't let me in!" shouted Sal.
"If my buddy Sal can't come in", said Johnny, "Then I don't want any part of this bar!"
"Thanks, Johnny", smiled Sal as he leaned his head on Johnny's shoulder. "You're a true friend."
"Sure", said Johnny, "We can find other places to get girls." But then Johnny took a peek inside the bar's window and discovered really pretty Japanese waitresses waiting on the customers and even flirting with them.
"And this is the place!" said Johnny excited, "Sorry, Sal. I know you won't mind waiting out here like a good little helper monkey!"
"But we're supposed to be buddies!" protested Johnny. "I'll be all alone if you go without me!"
"Don't worry", said Johnny, "You're surrounded by thousands of little buddies. Just check you fur." And Johnny entered the bar while Sal saw the fleas on his furry arm.
"Oh great", sighed Sal, "Fleas for buddies! At least you guys won't ever leave me."
"You all seem cool", said the bouncer looking at the suit and tie wearing fleas with a magnifying glass. "You all can come in but the monkey stays out here." The many fleas started bouncing off of Sal's fur and headed into the bar.
"I don't believe this!" grumbled Sal as he stormed through the street. "Here I am in Tokyo with no buddy, no girls, and no fleas! Actually, the third thing is kind of nice, but still I'd like to find some girl action somewhere." Suddenly, Sal stopped when he came across a TV shop and saw a documentary on a large screen TV.
"If you're ever in the Nagano area, we recommend that you visit the Jigokudani Monkey Park", said a narrator's voice, "With its beautiful valley and hot springs and most popular, it's population of snow monkeys that come down from the cold mountains and bathe in the warm bubbly waters."
"Snow monkeys?" gasped Sal as he saw a group of female monkeys relaxing in a bubbling hot spring.
"Hey, that's like spending time at a winter lodge with a Jacuzzi and hot snow bunnies, er, monkeys", smiled Sal. "Now how do I get there?" Sal turned around and suddenly saw a bus that had a sign above saying that it was going to the Jigokudani Monkey Park in Nagano. "Thank you!" whispered Sal with tears in his eyes as he got on the bus and it drove off.
* * * * * *
Sweetums was walking down the street with Bean Bunny on top of his head looking around Tokyo. "Oh, gee. This is swell!" smiled Bean. "Thanks for giving me a lift, Mr. Sweetie."
"Anytime, kid", said Sweetums, "And don't call me Sweetie. It's Sweetums."
"Hey, look", said Bean, "An arcade! Can we check it out, please?"
"Sure, why not", said Sweetums as the two entered the video arcade. They found a bunch of video games, rides, and a claw machine game filled with lots of toy animals.
"Hey, look at that!" gasped Bean as he hopped off Sweetums and scampered over to the claw machine and saw one particular toy. It was a stuffed white rabbit with black beads for eyes and was wearing a blue dress with a pink flower on it. "I recognize that doll", said Bean, "That's Salutations Bunny. My favorite Japanese cartoon star! I gotta have it!" Bean took out some money and put it through the slot of the machine. He tried to guide the claw to grab the bunny toy, but instead, he ended up getting a stuffed doggie. "Oh, nutbunnies!" sighed Bean as he put in some more money and tried again. This time all he got was a stuffed mouse. Then he tried again and got a toy walrus.
"Are you sure you have enough money to keep playing?" asked Sweetums.
"Sure I do", said Bean taking out a huge bag of money, "I'm gonna use my entire college fund until I get that doll!" and he put in some more money.
"Your parents will be proud of you, kid", smiled Sweetums and then he left the bunny alone to look around the arcade.
"Hello", said a sexy woman's voice. Sweetums turned around and found a huge machine with a screen and two pretty mechanical eyes on top. "I am Vendadance", said the machine in the same woman's voice, "The ultimate dance video game. Just get on my dance floor and insert some money and if you can follow my dance instructions perfectly, you'll win a big prize."
"Cool, I'm game", smiled Sweetums as he got on the dance floor with arrows pointing in eight different directions. He then put some money in the slot.
"Get ready to boogie", said Vendadance as her screen started showing arrows going up, down, left, right, diagonally, and so forth. Sweetums tried to step on the arrows on the dance floor according to what the screen instructed, but he ended up missing most of them.
"Not too good", said Vendadance, "You pretty much stink. Maybe you should take up rocking chair sitting instead."
"Oh yeah!" grumbled Sweetums as he started stretching his legs. "Bring it on!" Sweetums, now limber, started to concentrate hard on the moving arrows on the screen and then moved his ogre feet like crazy on the right arrows on the floor.
"Not bad", said Vendadance, "In fact, you're now smoking! Somebody call the fire department. Or better yet, call a waiter! I think I'm about to get served!"
The moving arrows started going faster, but Sweetums was keeping up very well. And finally, it was over. The screen started flashing, "YOU WIN!", while confetti busted out of the machine's top.
"I did it!" said Sweetums panting trying to catch his breath. "I get the prize!"
"Indeed you get a prize for being the ultimate dancing machine", said Vendadance as she suddenly ejected two metal arms from her sides. She then grabbed Sweetums and pushed him closer to her.
"What are you doing?" gasped Sweetums, "And where's my prize?"
"Your prize is that you've won my love!" shouted Vendadance as the screen turned around revealing a huge pair of red mechanical lips that started smooching Sweetums non-stop.
"Hey, cut it out!" cried Sweetums trying to break free from the machine's strong grasp. "This won't work! I'm no machine like you!"
"I just proclaimed you a dancing machine", said Vendadance, "And that's all that matters to me!" and she continued to smooch Sweetums who was trying hard to escape. But Vendadance ejected some shackles from the dance floor clamping onto Sweetums's ankles. "Now dance for me some more!" commanded Vendadance as she forced poor Sweetums to move his feet against his will.
Next, we see Bean covered in a mountain of stuffed animals trying to get his prize from the claw machine but with no success. The only toy that was left in the machine was the Salutations Bunny he really wanted. "GRRRRR!" grumbled Bean in a cute voice, "It's like Salutations Bunny's trying to avoid me! And I'm down to my very last money too!" He placed the money in and concentrated hard to get the claw in the right position. "This is it!" said Bean with determination. "I'm going for all the marbles and I might lose my marbles if I don't get what's coming to me!" Finally he got the claw in the right spot and ended up snagging the toy bunny by the ears. "Yes, I got you!" said Bean happily as he started to move the claw to the drop hole and release the doll. Bean became happy when he saw the toy bunny come out the slide door and into his presence.
"I did it!" shouted Bean, "I got a Salutations Bunny doll!" But then the toy bunny suddenly smiled a sinister smile, took out a remote control, and pushed a button. Suddenly, the claw came out through the slide door, snagged a surprised Bean, and dragged him into the machine trapping him inside. "What's going on here?" cried Bean as he put his face and hands against the glass window of the machine.
"Finally, we're free!" called out a voice. Bean looked down and saw Salutations Bunny standing outside the machine smiling wickedly at him.
"You're alive?" gasped Bean.
"You bet your sweet carrot cake I am", said Salutations in a snide voice. "And I've been waiting for a compulsive game player like yourself to keep playing until you end up freeing me and all of my little friends. Right guys?"
"YEAH!" shouted all the stuffed animals that suddenly got up from the floor.
"Come on, let's blow this joint!" said Salutations as she and the other living toys started to head on out the exit.
"But you can't just leave me in here", wailed Bean, "You're Salutations Bunny. You're supposed to be a hero to young minds everywhere!"
"That's just the personality of that lame cartoon bunny", said Salutations, "I'm just another disgruntled assembly line toy", and she turned around and showed off the barcode on her bottom. "But thanks for the freedom, fuzzy!" and she and the toys scampered out of the arcade.
"Sweetums, help!" cried Bean still trying to get out of the machine.
"Bean?" asked Sweetums who was still a prisoner of Vendadance. He turned around and saw that his little bunny buddy was too a prisoner of an arcade game. With determination, he managed to break free from the shackles that were holding his ankles.
"Sweetums, darling. Come back!" wailed Vendadance as she watched Sweetums tear open the claw machine, grab Bean, and watched them both rush out the door.
"He left me just like all the others!" cried Vendadance. "How I wish I could find my true love! If only there was some kind of wishing machine!" Suddenly, a couple of movers came in and set down a giant machine next to her. Vendadance turned her eyes and saw that the machine was something called Vendawish who winked his mechanical eye at the tear filled Vendadance.
* * * * * *
Meanwhile, Beauregard, holding a toolbox, rushed back to the jammed sauna door Miss Piggy was trapped behind. "It's a good thing I found a hardware store next door", said Beau as he inserted the broken doorknob back on the door and repaired it with his new tools. "That takes care of phase 1", said Beau, "Now I need something to protect me from Miss Piggy's karate chops." Beau then put on some samurai armor and then slowly opened the door. "Miss Piggy?" asked Beau as the steam escaped the room, "Are you okay?" But when all the steam cleared, Beau was shocked to find a big strip of bacon wrapped in a towel sitting in the room.
"Oh no, Miss Piggy!" cried Beau as he rushed over and hugged the giant bacon. "You've become sizzled and it's all my fault! Poor Kermit will now have to live with having a giant strip of bacon for a girlfriend!" and he started crying.
"Beauregard, what weird thing are you doing now?" called out Piggy's voice.
"I'm trying to say how sorry I am for doing this to you!" cried Beau as he turned around and found Miss Piggy standing out of the sauna dressed in a pretty green kimono with her hair done up in a Japanese style. "Miss Piggy, you're alive?" gasped Beau. "But how did you get out?"
"While you rushed off like a defective vacuum head", explained Piggy, "The manager of this place saw my predicament and got the door open with a crowbar."
"Then what's this piece of bacon I'm holding doing in here?" asked Beau puzzled.
"Oh, that's mine", said the manager as he went over and took the bacon from Beau. "I was trying to break the record for cooking the world's largest strip of tofu bacon and this steam room was the only place that was big enough. See you around, Miss. Piggy."
"And Sayonara to you, Motoki", smiled Piggy and then turned to a nervous Beau.
"Go ahead, Piggy", sighed Beau as he took off his samurai armor. "Hit me as much as you want. I deserve it."
"Aw, forget about it, Beau", smiled Piggy, "After Motoki got moi out of that steam trap, he wanted to make up for it by treating yours truly to a massage, a mud bath, a facial, and a new hair style. It all felt so wonderful that I am going to forgive you."
"Wheh! Thank you, Miss Piggy", said Beau happily as he got down and started kissing Miss. Piggy's feet.
"I just hope you remembered to brush those janitor teeth of yours", sighed Piggy, "Or I might change my mind."
TO BE CONTINUED