Chapter 2

It was late, the hospital was dark and there was minimal staff so it was easy for Callen to enter. Callen had the ability to blend into most places. He found Sam's room. He was a wreck. He was dirty, tired and his hands were shaking. It wouldn't matter. Sam would be asleep. He gently pushed the door ajar, breathing in he moved around the door, as his heart beat started to quicken. He had read Sam's medical notes from the nurses' station. He knew Sam would be fine but it didn't change the image that greeted him.

Sam was a colossus; big, strong and sometimes invincible. The man in the bed was far from that. But what hurt Callen the most was that his actions, his disregard for the welfare of his team had put Sam in here. The guilt he was feeling was overwhelming. He quietly went over to the bed and looked more closely at his friend who was sleeping soundly. He went through all the people in his life that had meant something to him. He could count them on one hand. Sam was one of them. He took in a breath and fatigue started to envelope him and whispered, "I'm sorry Sam. I messed up. You were right." Then he found a chair in the corner and sat, vowing to stay for a few minutes before leaving. But exhaustion took over and Callen fell asleep.

It wasn't long before morning broke. Sam woke feeling very sorry for himself. He wriggled around and pulled himself up, then ran his hand over his face then he froze. His eyes fixed on the sorry sight in the corner. Splayed like a worn out jacket, he saw his partner dirty, scruffy and exhausted sleeping soundly, something Callen hardly did. A slight grin sprung on his face replaced by so much pity, then anger and hurt. He really didn't want to see Callen, but he was glad Callen was there. Suddenly the door opened and a nurse came in, "Well, hello Mr. Hanna. How are you feeling this morning?" She had not seen Callen who didn't stir.

"I'm ok…just stiff and sore," said Sam wincing as she checked his wound.

"Good, no fever, BP's fine and the wound looks clean. A couple of days and you'll be home. Breakfast will be round soon. I'll see you later."

She started to leave the room when Sam said, "Oh do you think you could bring another breakfast?" and pointed to Callen still asleep in his room flashing a smile.

This took the nurse by surprise, "Oh…You know he shouldn't be here."

"I know he's my partner and he's had a rough time. Cut him some slack. He's not hurting anyone," said Sam.

"Oh ok…just because you're cute Mr. Hanna and a good patient, ok," and she left. He still had it. He stared at Callen and wondered where did it all go wrong? Sam knew bits and pieces of Callen's background only by need to know basis or sometimes through drunken hazes, but he didn't know Callen as well as he should. Yet this man inspired Sam and was the best partner he ever had…until this week. Suddenly the phone rang. It stopped his train of thought. Sam gathered his wits and reached over very carefully trying not to cause himself too much pain, "Hello?" he answered in a croaky voice.

"Mr. Hanna, how wonderful to hear your voice. A bit dry though, you know you should really try some hot-spiced pineapple tea, it works wonders for the throat. But how are you faring?" asked Hetty's cheery voice, trying to hide the real motive behind her call.

"I'm ok Hetty, bit stiff and sore, but ok and before you ask, because I know you will, Callen's here," said Sam knowing that's the news she was dying to hear.

"Oh…good, good. How is he, Hr. Hanna, truthfully?" asked Hetty.

"He's asleep in a chair at the moment. I don't know when he came in but he's in bad shape Hetty…you should come down," said Sam with an ulterior motive. He really didn't want to face Callen alone. He was afraid of what he might say. He was afraid of damaging the already tenuous relationship.

"Alright Mr. Hanna, I'll be there shortly. Tread carefully won't you," said Hetty with a slight mother-hen tone.

"I'll try Hetty," and he hung up the phone. The click, although quiet, startled Callen, who jumped off the chair. He looked around stunned and frightened, then realized where he was. He looked at Sam who looked straight at him.

"Well, I've never ever seen you sleep so much G," said Sam trying to be casual but his tone denied it.

Callen knew human nature and he knew Sam. He saw straight through Sam's awkwardness and anger, "I didn't mean to be here this long. I just wanted to see how you were and then…"

"What? Disappear? Go lone wolf again?" said Sam not disguising the harshness and disappointment in his voice. The pretense didn't last long. It hurt Callen more than he was willing to admit.

"No…go back to HQ, Sam. Check in on the team and speak to Hetty and file my report, " Callen knew he deserved Sam's attitude. "Look I'm so sorry for everything. I… my judgment got skewed. I never wanted any of you hurt, that's why I wanted to go on my own…I'm sorry Sam," Callen explained looking at Sam with earnest regret. His blue eyes bearing nothing but sorrow and remorse.

Sam had to look away. It was too easy to fall under Callen's spell, but he needed to tell him how he felt. He needed Callen to understand the severity of his actions. He needed Callen to see the hurt in Sam's face, not because he was injured but because Callen had failed to trust and confide in him. "This time G you went too far. We're partners and we are dependent on each other for our lives. You left to go and chase some ghost. Fine. You had time in lieu to do that. Fine. But our lives didn't stop. We went about our business as usual. At a certain point when I was undercover and I needed backup you weren't there. No one could find you. How would you have felt if you came back and I ended up in Moe's place? G, you are my partner. I trust you with my life. You are the thing that glues us together as a team…that was missing and we lost Moe. You know how much he meant to me and I didn't even get a phone call…a phone call G. Why is it so hard for you? Then at the arena Deeks and I could've died, you could've died…this could've all ended up so wrong. We just got lucky. We've been lucky a lot, but one day our luck will run out. I don't want to be there to pick up the pieces, G."

"I don't know what to say Sam. I try I really do. I've never cared so much about anyone they way I care about our team. I'd give my life for all of you but," Callen got frustrated because he couldn't explain how he thought. He started pacing the room in a vain attempt to explain, "When you grow up relying on yourself and being self-sufficient, you don't expect others to want to help. No one's ever wanted before. They pretend concern. So you want something done, you do it yourself. There was no one who cared Sam…no one who cared what I did, so I did what I had to do to survive. I built walls to protect myself. You can't expect me to change because you say so or Hetty says so. I try every single day to be the person everyone wants me to be but I am a product of my youth, the conditioning is too deep seeded. I am sorry. I messed up." Callen was shaking. Sam had never heard him talk about himself in such a way. He was taken aback but he wouldn't back down on this…not yet.

"G…I can't begin to imagine what it would've been like growing up in your shoes, but you're an adult now and you need to sort it out. You can't go off on a tangent every time something pops up from your past. I've always had your back but G, but now, now something has changed. I just can't trust you. I don't believe that you'll be there when I need you. You proved that with Moe. If I don't trust you, I can't be your partner," said Sam mortified. This tough love was hard. He saw Callen's eyes well up. Sam was his family and now he was leaving too.

So many images came to him. Family number 21, he's a good kid but we can't look after him any more. Family number 5, his behavior is reprehensible. We only use the belt so he listens to us. Family number 16, his truancy and lack of respect as affected our whole family, he has to go. The list went on and on. This was another to add to it. He felt himself crumble as a feeling of sickness emanated from his gut ready to spill out. Just like always, when things got tough, they all left and now Sam was doing exactly that. Callen knew what to do. Many times he had argued and lost. But soon he had learned that there was nothing he could do. He just needed to engage self-preservation. Fine…Callen thought, I'll do what I always do. A cold steely look came over Callen.

So this is what it looked like, thought Sam, when the walls come up. He had seen glimpses of it when Keelson emerged but this time was different. This time it seemed final.

"I understand." Callen bit his lower lip and held back the tears, "I'll make sure Hetty knows how you feel and we'll make the necessary arrangements. Get better soon Sam." Callen coldly finished and headed for the room.

Sam almost felt remorseful, " G?"

Callen heard Sam call but didn't turn around. He just lifted his hand, waved and headed straight out the door. He didn't stop, he just kept walking.

Hetty must have missed him by seconds because when she entered she saw Sam but no Callen. "Mr. Hanna, you look much better than yesterday. Miss Blye said she'll be round later," she said trying to mask the fact that she was here for Callen.

Sam knew Hetty cared and was honestly glad to see him, but he also knew that she wanted to speak to Callen, to see him, "He left. We got into an argument and he left."

Hetty expression went from serene to anxious, "What was the argument concerning Mr. Hanna?"

"He's inability to relate to people, to trust them, to rely on them…to see beyond his past and live in the now," rattled Sam frustrated that Hetty seemed to be annoyed at him for causing the argument. "I didn't start it. He did what he always does…"said Sam.

"Oh Mr. Hanna, I'm not blaming you dear," placing a hand on his arm and looking at him calmly, "I'm just worried about him…at the moment I seem to be the only one and yet my patience is wearing thin too. Do you know where he was headed?"

"He said he was going back to HQ before I…before I told him…" stopped Sam looking at Hetty unsure whether to carry on.

"Before what, Mr. Hanna?" asked Hetty.

"That I couldn't be his partner anymore," said Sam already regretting the words that hiccupped in his mouth.

"Oh…I see. How did Mr. Callen respond to that revelation?" asked Hetty already knowing the answer.

Sam lifted his heavy eyes and looked at Hetty, sadness clouding his face as his mouth found articulating the answer impossible.

"Um… I'm sure you thought carefully about your decision. You wouldn't have taken it lightly. Mr. Hanna we are just a very select group of people Mr. Callen trusts. He would give up his life for you. But trust plays a major role in our profession and you feel that you don't have it with Mr. Callen anymore; we'll have to address that. Pity to break up such a productive and capable team. When you are released, you need to formally state your request in your report supported with facts and examples of misconduct. Then I need to consult the other team members and act upon that," said Hetty sadly. She was taken by surprise that Sam, of all people, would react so rashly, so resolutely. She felt her heart quicken its beat as she tried to keep a calm exterior. She didn't want Sam to think she was picking sides. She was trying to be impartial but her essence was dissipating as she contemplated retirement again.

Sam nodded then looked at Hetty embarrassed. She didn't show it but Sam knew this truth was destroying Hetty, "And in the meanwhile?" said Sam almost afraid of what the answer was going to be.

"We carry on as always Mr. Hanna," said Hetty. "Well I'd better get back and start the process…take care Mr. Hanna," said Hetty turning to leave when she heard Sam speak.

"Just because I'm mad at him doesn't mean I don't care…he's like a brother to me Hetty, maybe that's why it hurts so much," said Sam. He didn't want Hetty to think that he'd abandoned Callen. He hadn't.

"You might be right Mr. Hanna," and with that she left without the spring in her step that she had when she came in.

Sam felt like Judas.

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Callen had entered HQ without being spotted. It was still early. He showered and changed into a clean set of clothes and made himself some coffee. It had been a long few days. The bags under his eyes didn't lie. He sat at his desk typing up his report; Sam's words still ringing in his ears. He was oblivious when Deeks strode in. Callen had one thing on his mind and that was sorting out this mess and getting out of Dodge.

Deeks saw Callen, surly and focused. He knew not to disturb the man when he got like that. He quietly walked over to his desk and set his bag down. Before he had a chance to greet Callen, Callen turned and addressed Deeks, calmly and oddly serene, "Hey Deeks? How's the arm?"

"It's fine…only a graze," said Deeks still trying to gauge Callen's disposition.

Callen saved the document and stood up. Deeks moved back as if awaiting a confrontation, "I just want to apologise for my lack of professionalism, lack of focus during the last op. It threatened your life…I'm sorry."

Deeks was taken aback. He didn't blame Callen. Maybe things could've been done a little differently but he didn't blame him. "Callen, I don't blame you for anything man. We all make mistakes. The plan was brilliant but you needed backup…you needed someone there with you. Sam and Kensi feel hurt that you trusted Arkady over them," said Deeks wondering whether he had said too much.

Callen looked straight at Deeks. It made him feel uneasy, then he looked away and nodded his head, "I messed up. I know…anyway I'm sorry Deeks."

"Apology accepted Callen…but I think you should talk to Kensi, oh and take a Kevlar vest," joked Deeks, like always hiding the pain with humour.

"Thanks," said Callen.

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