Special thanks to hpnerd328 who asked these great "what ifs"
And thanks to Pink Royale for her review.
Disclaimer: No, I do not own Harry Potter, and neither does J.K. Rowling. Santa Claus does of course.
What if Cheese made you feel better instead of Chocolate?
Answer: Harry would die.
"What Happened? Where's that-that thing? Who screamed?"
"No one screamed." Said Ron, more nervously still.
Harry looked around the bright compartment. Ginny and Neville looked back at him, both very pale.
"But I heard screaming-"
A loud sickening slicing sound made them all jump. Professor Lupin was slicing an enormous slab of cheese into pieces.
"Professor, what are you-"
"Here." He said. "Eat it. It'll help."
Harry took the cheese but didn't eat it.
"Professor, I'm allergic-"
Before he had a chance to finish, Professor Lupin stuffed a slice of cheese down his throat.
Harry coughed, and choked. His face was turning blue.
"Professor!" Hermione shrieked as Harry fell to the floor. "Harry's allergic to cheese!"
Lupin raised his eyebrows in thought, and then shrugged his shoulders. "Oops."
And since none of them knew the Heimlich maneuver and couldn't do cheese spells yet, all they could do was sit back and watch as Harry slowly deceased.
What if Ron was smart?
Answer: Ron and Hermione would be as hated enemies. And Professor McGonagall would lose her mind.
"Okay class." Professor McGonagall said. "Who can tell me what the spell is for changing a pig into bacon?"
As always, Ron and Hermione raised their hands on either side of Harry. They glared at each other mutinously.
Ron was sweating; he stretched his hand as high as it would go.
Hermione glanced at Ron and then sat up halfway in her seat so that her hand would go higher.
As always, the rest of the class didn't know the answer.
As always, Professor McGonagall sighed.
As always, Harry sighed.
"Okay." Professor McGonagall said. "I guess…okay, Ron, what's the answer?"
"WHAT?" Hermione screamed. "I had my hand up first.
Ron looked at her as if she were a slug. "Yeah, but she picked me, didn't she?"
Hermione jumped out of her chair and made a motion to strangle him, but Harry jumped in between them. "Let's not start something here." Harry said.
Tears flowed down Hermione's face. "Harry! How could you take that-that thing's side?"
Before he could reply, she raced out of the room.
Professor McGonagall looked completely dumbfounded.
"Oh-kay then." She said. "Uh, Ron…please continue."
"You say, JinglebellsJinglebells, and then swish your wand like this." He did a series of complicated flicks with his wand. "But if you wanted cooked bacon, then you say-."
"Oh, shut up." Professor McGonagall said, clapping her hands to her ears. "Just shut up."
Ron looked hurt. "I'll have you know-"
"SHUT UP!" Professor McGonagall shouted. "I can't deal with another Percy."
What if Hermione went as far as to make a national S.P.E.W day?
Answer: Ron would strangle her.
"La, la, la, la, la." Hermione sang as she skipped down the halls.
Harry turned around his face etched with annoyance.
Hermione was in an elf costume and had a basket at hand. In the basket was hundreds of those ugly S.P.E.W. badges.
"I love you. You love me. Lets get together and set elves free! With a nice elf suit and a SPEW badge for you! I hope you love elves as much as I do!" Hermione chanted.
"Why are you wearing that bloody costume?" Ron asked incredulously.
Hermione looked surprised until she looked down at her costume. "Oh, silly, you. My costume isn't bloody."
Harry rolled his eyes. "He meant, why are you wearing that stupid elf suit?"
Hermione looked suddenly happy. "Didn't you hear? I made S.P.E.W. a national holiday. Now everyone will know about it!"
Ron looked like he wanted to be murdered. "Greeeeeaaaat." He said sarcastically.
"I know!" Hermione giggled. "Isn't it?" She reached into her basket and threw some S.P.E.W. badges at them.
Ron screamed. The back of the badges had gone straight into his chest. Blood was running down his front.
"Ron, why are you wearing a bloody costume?" Hermione asked, giggling. "Haha, get it? Because you're all bloody?"
Ron roared and launched himself at her, knocking off her elf hat in the process. It was hard to see what Hermione was angrier with, that Ron had knocked her elf hat off or the fact that he was strangling her.
Harry watched in surprise as Ron choked her, but luckily Dumbledore came and separated them before Hermione was killed.
Haha! That was one of my favorites! Just in case you were wondering, the S.P.E.W. song she was singing was to the tune of the Barney song.