It is confession time in the meadow. I hope you enjoy.
No copyright infringement intended. Twilight is the property of Stephenie Meyer, as are Edward and Bella – I'm just experimenting with them while I try to write.
Illumination: Edward's Meadow
Part II: Sunlit Confessions
My foot connected gently with the ground, softly bending the grass beneath it. I heard the dirt shift and give way to my weight a little. The bright spring sun shone down on me – my faceted skin throwing beams of light in all directions. I felt its warming glow, but as ever, I felt cold inside. I was cold inside.
Fear was my predominant emotion. Fear of frightening Bella, of repulsing her with my true appearance. My legs were tensed and I had to fight the urge to step back immediately, before her human eyes caught sight of me. I had steeled myself for her repulsion but I knew that my heart couldn't take the rejection. I ached.
My every thought was of Bella; my senses alert, gauging her every reaction. I looked for the expression on her face, listened to her heartbeat and breathing patterns, I inhaled through my nose to analyze her scent, searching for a hint of fear or adrenaline.
What greeted me was shocking.
I had been prepared for many reactions, but not this – never this. Would she always surprise me?
She gaped at me with a look that could only be described as… awe.
I exhaled slowly, the feeling of dread leaving my body. If I were capable of tears they would have pooled in my eyes. She wasn't scared or even wary, or any of the reactions I had expected. She was so pure and good that she did not judge me; did not reject me; she accepted me, as I am. I tried to swallow and I couldn't.
I felt as though I should be on my knees, worshiping this amazing, astonishing girl. So trusting and innocent; she took my breath away, quite literally.
How could I be this lucky?
We stood there, both of us unmoving, simply regarding each other silently. Although, in truth, there was nothing simple in this situation: I was a vampire in love with a human girl, the most beautiful, kind and generous girl in the world, and here I was showing myself to her in the sunlight. There was so much to say, so much between us, but neither of us found the words, we stood locked in each others gaze.
I started to move towards her slowly, very slowly, so as not to scare her. My steps were cautious but purposeful. I would approach her, but allow her enough space so that she would not feel threatened.
She said nothing, her eyes following my approach, her mouth slightly open. Her breathing was quick but even, reflecting excitement rather than fear or anxiety. Still, I couldn't quite comprehend the look on her face. I didn't, shouldn't, wouldn't dare to hope that what I thought I was seeing was true, but I could have sworn that I saw admiration in her eyes. She could have been dazzled as she called it, by my predator lures but her eyes held such acceptance and wonder as she saw me now; my unnatural diamond skin reflecting the sunlight in sparkles that danced on her skin as I moved towards her. I didn't look down at myself, for I couldn't bear to see the difference between us shown so flagrantly displayed.
I needed to snap her out of her daze – but gently – so I continued forward tentatively. When we were only a few feet apart, I spoke her name softy. She focused on my eyes, obviously hearing me, but not answering.
"Bella, don't be afraid," I reassured. Though I didn't really believe she was afraid, I could be wrong.
"So, this is what I look like in the sunlight," I said evenly. "This is what I am. I thought you should know."
A flash of emotion crossed her face showing her acknowledgement, but not a sound passed her lips. She was in shock – of course she was scared. I was such a fool.
"I don't mean to scare you, Bella. Would you prefer it if I went back into the shade?" I asked, worried by her silence.
After a beat, she finally shook her head, taking a step toward me and raised her hand as if to touch me in a seemingly unconscious gesture. I took as step back – not wanting to push my luck while not knowing what she planned to do.
"Wait," she cried urgently, taking another step towards me but lowering her hand. "Don't go, please."
I thought of how I had always either been running toward Bella or running away from her, never staying in place. Finally, I held my ground. But would it grant me peace?
I was here with her, in my meadow, and she wanted to be here with me. I decided in this moment to forget my pitiable circumstances and enjoy the moment. I found the decision a relief. No worries about what would happen next – just to experience – to live this moment; thus far, the very best moment of my existence.
I smiled and sank to the floor in a sitting position. Bella did the same, though unsteadily. Her eyes never left me – she surveyed my body, taking in the sight of me.
She took a deep breath, her eyes darting around as if bewildered, then focusing on mine. "Edward," she said, breathless. "You're… beautiful…"
I gasped. Beautiful? She found me beautiful even now?
I felt as though my stone heart would come alive again. My cold heart swelled with a warmth that spread throughout my body. She looked at me and saw my true self – and she liked what she saw.
I noticed her fingers twitch as if she wanted to touch me.
Did she want to touch me? Should I let her?
I wanted her to touch me. I thought of how her fingers had felt on my hand at the restaurant, of how she seemed to lean into my touch when I'd daringly trailed my fingers across her cheek in the hallway. My cold skin did not repulse her, and now my shimmering cold skin did not disgust her either.
Enjoy the moment Edward, I reminded myself. Enjoy it while it lasts.
Slowly, I leaned back into the grass assuming the most unimposing position I could. Yes, enjoy the moment. I closed my eyes, soaking up the sun's rays, feeling them warm me. But more than that – I basked in Bella's heavenly presence; I had never felt so at peace and yet every part of me thrilled.
I couldn't see her as I chose to keep my eyes closed; reveling in the closeness we were sharing. No, I couldn't see her, but I could hear her. I could hear her every breath, every beat of her heart; I felt its beat pulsating through the ground beneath me. I could feel her warmth in the air against my skin, and I could literally feel her eyes on me; it was that new, almost tangible sensation of watching eyes. It was exciting.
I was utterly relaxed. It felt strange to allow myself to relax around Bella. My vampire senses remained alert of course; there was no other way for my kind. I enjoyed the relative silence. This was my quiet place, where even my mind could have peace. Bella's mind was, as ever, out of reach.
I lost myself in my thoughts, the rhythm of her heart pulsing in my head; a vital thumping rhythm that I had not fully respected before. Now Bella's heart and its beat were essential to me.
"What are you saying?" she asked.
"Mmm?" I opened my eyes to look at her puzzled face.
"Your lips, they're moving..?"
"Oh, I hadn't realized… I was just singing to myself – it was too fast and too low for you to hear, I imagine," I explained.
I closed my eyes again, thinking of how at home I felt with Bella. There was no other place I ever wanted to be than by her side. I soaked up the feeling of just being here with her.
My reverie was interrupted when a tentative finger stroked the back of my hand. My eyes darted open. The feeling was bliss; her hot flesh warming mine. The line she traced scorched into my hand but the promise that it held bore so much more. She looked down at her hand marveling at the facets of my skin – she really wasn't afraid. How could that be? It made me wonder if she was really unafraid or if she was hiding her true reaction from me? To be able to read her mind! I kept the frustration from my face.
"I don't scare you?" I asked trying to sound playful and not quite succeeding.
"No more than usual," she answered with a smile. With that she inched closer, wary but determined. Her hand trembled, but she did not falter, and she placed her hand on my forearm.
It was difficult to keep still; something which usually came so naturally to my kind. Bella changed everything. I closed my eyes partly in concentration this time and luxuriated in the feel of her innocent and curious touch.
"Do you mind?" she asked softly.
I couldn't believe she was asking if I minded that she was caressing my arm in the most gentle and tender way – I'd never felt anything so sublime. My heart felt as though it might burst with my love for her. Maybe she didn't understand – couldn't understand how much of a revelation this was for me. I had never been touched like this before. I had never wanted a connection beyond my family and the love that they bestowed – but Bella had me wanting things that I had no right to want. I could not help but think of Bella as my mate. I was in love with her and I wanted her selfishly for my own, and even if Bella was never to be mine – I would forever be hers in my heart.
"No," I said still not moving. "You have no idea how that feels," I breathed.
She continued to trail her fingers along my forearm in slow patterns then reached with her other hand to turn mine over – she couldn't of course so I moved it for her. Only I moved too fast – she wasn't prepared for it and froze. So did I. But thankfully, I could see she was only startled, not truly frightened.
"Sorry," I whispered. "It's too easy to be myself with you."
When she calmed, I slackened my arm moving it where she wanted it. Bella was examining it, twisting it this way and that. At one point she held it so close to her mouth that her breath felt like it was searing my skin. I kept my eyes closed and focused – trying not to watch the look on her face lest I be tempted close the small distance between us and touch her lips with my fingers.
Again, I thought of Bella as a magnet for danger, literally so; I felt an almost unstoppable pull towards her. It was a gargantuan task to remain still and allow her control of my hand. Did she feel the same? Did she want me to touch her? Part of me thought that she did – she was touching me of her own free will and I remembered her fingers twitching toward me in biology class the other day. Bella was engrossed, watching and playing with my arm… What was she thinking?
"Tell me what you're thinking," I pleaded. "It's still so strange for me, not knowing."
"You know, the rest of us feel that way all the time." She smirked at me but her voice sounded a little forlorn.
Please tell me what you're thinking, Bella.
I kept my gaze on her chocolate eyes, waiting for her real answer, hoping it would be truthful but fearing that I may not really want to know. The way she was looking at me… maybe it was the kind of fascination a scientist has for some newfound species or the curiosity for a freak in the circus. I felt myself tense at the thought. Keep it light, Edward.
"It's a hard life," I said trying to tease but failing. "But you didn't tell me."
Please tell me, Bella. I can't bear the suspense.
"I was wishing I could know what you were thinking…" she trailed off uncertainly, sounding sad again.
"And?" I asked more urgently.
"I was wishing that I could believe that you were real. And I was wishing that I wasn't afraid."
It hit me hard, she was afraid of course. How could she not be?
"I don't want you to be afraid," I said earnestly, feeling and hearing the heart-break in my voice.
"Well, that's not exactly the fear I meant, though that's certainly something to think about."
I was alert in an instant, moving to sit up. She was afraid of something else? I must have frightened her in another way. "What are you afraid of then?" I asked.
My movement had taken me closer to her, I could feel her breath on my face, I was too close and yet I did not move away. I waited for her answer. But her eyes unfocused, her breathing hitched and her heart hammered against her chest. The sounds whirled around me rhythmically, drawing me in. Bella, instead of being worried by my close proximity, did the unthinkable – she inhaled deeply and leaned in towards me, closer than we'd ever been. We weren't touching but her lips were mere inches from mine, her soulful brown eyes hooded. I found my eyes drawn to her full lips, the blood pulsing through them, their attractive pink hue… My eyes trailed down her delicate throat.
Her scent when I was this near was intoxicating to the extreme. The scent was like a physical layer surrounding her and it cocooned me in sensual, heated embrace. It was too much.
Much too much.
I had to get away; I couldn't trust myself with her that close to my mouth. Her blood sang to me with each pulse of her heart. I could not take the risk that I would be overcome; I could not inhale her sweet breath and taste her on my tongue and trust myself not to act. I tore myself away and ran at full speed to the cover of the trees at the edge of the meadow.
I needed to calm myself. My body was alight with excitement and my whole self lusted towards her; hunger for her blood and yearning for her warm silken skin twisted in a cacophony of want. I could not afford to think of Bella in that way. Bella could not afford for me to think of her that way. I took deep calming breaths in the fresh air offered to me here on the outskirts of the meadow. With the wind blowing in the opposite direction the clean air helped to clear my mind some. But there were certain images and feelings that once awoken, could not be blown away as easily as her scent.
She searched for me, not seeing me at first, but her knowing and worried eyes found me after a beat. My anxiety heightened when I saw the pain on her face, she looked to her hands briefly then looking up she said softly, "I'm… sorry… Edward."
She was upset – her concern clear on her face. Concern for me? I could hear her heart racing and smell the faint aroma of adrenaline on the air as the wind changed direction. But her worry seemed to outweigh her fear. She looked almost guilty, but of course I could not know.
"Give me a moment," I called, just loud enough for her to hear, not wanting to scare her any more.
I took deep breaths, keeping a calm mask on my face, and walked slowly back to her. My eyes locked on hers, trying to both ferret out her thoughts and reassure her. Though she should not be reassured; she was in danger. I was a risk of the worst kind.
I sat on the grass once again, facing her but not too close. I started with an apology. "I am so very sorry," I said softly. She could never know how sorry. How could I make her understand how I was a slave to my emotions and wants without scaring her further? "Would you understand what I meant if I said I was only human?"
She nodded dismally, her nervousness clear. It was torturous that when I most wanted to gain her trust and ensure her safety I was putting her in harm's way. I was a threat, and she should not trust me. The thought occurred that maybe it was my vampire traits that drew her to me, not the man in me and it angered me. I knew what I was. Why was I trying to be anything else?
"I'm the world's best predator, aren't I?" I asked scathingly. "Everything about me invites you in – my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I need any of that!"
It was time to show her the harsh reality and my fury only made it easier. I ran to the edge of the meadow and circled it in one beat of her heart. Her head whipped around looking for me while I stood waiting under a large fir tree.
Bella's shocked face, marred by fear, fuelled my rage. Her helplessness in my company was excruciating to witness so obviously with her here alone with me. The worry of harming her was a heavy, painful burden to bear and I had never hated myself more.
"As if you could outrun me," I yelled resentfully.
I reached up, easily breaking a large branch of the tree and threw it. The crash was loud and abruptly broke the silence of the meadow. Bella cringed from the sound. I ran to her, too fast for her to follow my progress showing her just how dangerous I was. I could see, hear and smell her fear.
Yes, Bella, see me – fear me!
"As if you could fight me off."
She sat quiet and still, watching me with wide brown eyes. I lost myself in those eyes and my temper calmed, my reason returning. No reason to try to be better, I had thought – of course there was a reason and she was sitting right in front of me. I could never hurt her. I had proven myself now – even if she was too close, too tempting, I could take myself away from her.
I wanted to be near her and be safe. But was I asking too much? It felt like I was. No matter how hard I tried I could never deserve her – never be anything but a monster. I felt the misery seep into every part of my detestable being.
"Don't be afraid. I promise…" I wavered, not knowing what it was I could honestly promise her. "I swear not to hurt you."
I would swear this to her now and will it to be true until it was. As much as I knew she should fear me, I didn't want her to. My anger unraveled in my sorrow and I realized that I was towering over her. I took a measured step forward, and seated myself opposite her.
"Don't be afraid," I whispered.
She watched me silently. I had scared her terribly.
"Please forgive me. I can control myself." I stressed, needing my own reassurance. "You caught me off guard. But I am on my best behavior now."
I waited for her to speak, to move, but she didn't. It was a grave situation but to get her attention, at least, I tried to make light. "I'm not thirsty today honestly." I winked at her, breaking our intense eye-contact momentarily. It seemed to do the trick as she broke out of her daze with a weak laugh.
"Are you alright?" I questioned. I wanted to comfort her, prove that I was safe and against my will and better judgment my hand reached out and placed itself in hers. It felt like it belonged there.
She stared down at it, regaining her equilibrium I presumed. She held it as if confirming that it was real. She seemed appeased and offered me a smile, tentative but genuine. My heart soared, a large smile stretching across my face.
"So where were we, before I behaved so rudely?"
"I honestly can't remember," she sighed.
I knew the answer to my question before I asked it – I could not forget. I smiled, but felt the shame and melancholy on my face and I hoped that I had not completely ruined our day together – what could be our only day. "I think we were talking about why you were afraid, besides the obvious reason," I prompted.
"Oh, right," she agreed, remembering. But she didn't continue and she looked unhappy.
"Well?" I asked, having to know, even if that knowledge would be my ruin.
She remained silent, busying her nervous fingers with my arm – either not willing to explain or not knowing how. I felt anxious that she was hiding things from me – I couldn't conquer that particular frustration at all. Was she afraid to tell me what she was thinking? Afraid to voice the words seal my fate? My notion of simply enjoying the day had failed miserably.
I sighed heavily. "How easily frustrated I am."
I was not getting used to not knowing her thoughts, far from it, it was getting harder because the closer I got – the more I felt and knew and experienced – the more I wanted. Feeling her warm fingers on my arm only amplified my craving. Bella was my siren and I could not resist the force of her pull. I coveted every part of her and I wanted every thought.
She looked up at me and searched my eyes, I don't know what she found but she seemed to take courage from it. She spoke in a small voice, "I was afraid… because, for, well, obvious reasons, I can't stay with you." She looked up briefly, but couldn't hold my gaze. She blushed. "And I'm afraid that I'd like to stay with you, much more than I should."
She wanted to stay with me – wanted to be with me. I marveled, only sobering when I recognized the defeat in her tone – even being here now, risking her life to spend time with me, she knew that we couldn't be. Would she make the 'right' choice now – choose not to be with me?
"Yes," I said slowly, deliberating how to respond. "That is something to be afraid of, indeed. Wanting to be with me. That's really not in your best interest." I worked to keep both my desolation and undying hope hidden.
"I should have left long ago," I admitted. "I should leave now. But I don't know if I can."
She looked pained. "I don't want you to leave," she murmured miserably.
I shouldn't have take pleasure in the fact that she wanted me to stay, but I did, of course I did.
"Which is exactly why I should," I stated, my voice carrying a certainty that my mind could not uphold. "But don't worry. I'm essentially a selfish creature. I crave your company too much to do what I should."
"I'm glad," she said, some brightness returning to her face.
I scowled – she ought not derive comfort from my weakness. I pulled away from her.
"Don't be!" I barked, feeling the rumble of a growl threaten. She understood nothing! "It's not just your company I crave! Never forget that. Never forget I am more dangerous to you than to anyone else." I looked away, struggling to reign in my anger.
"I don't think I understand exactly what you mean – by that last part anyway," she questioned.
Of course, she would pick up on that. I had said more than I had meant to in my temper – evidence of how out of control I was. I looked back to her and saw her raw curiosity and found that I could not deny her – not knowing how unbelievably frustrating it is to be kept in the dark. Bella deserved the truth – I would give her that.
"How do I explain? And without frightening you again… hmmm," I deliberated aloud.
I reached out to her in what strangely felt like a natural gesture. Bella's warm hands clasped mine in what I imagined would be a tight grip for her. The feeling of it – her small hands encircling mine tenderly was distracting and absorbed my attention.
"That's amazingly pleasant, the warmth," I breathed contentedly. It took a moment for me to collect my thoughts. They were many and were running away from me.
Right. Concentrate. How to explain?
"You know how everyone enjoys different flavors?" I asked, trying to explain in human terms. "Some people love chocolate ice cream, others prefer strawberry?"
She nodded, following.
"Sorry about the food analogy – I couldn't think of another way to explain."
She smiled in understanding.
"You see, every person smells different, has a different essence." I avoided the word 'taste'. I wanted to explain how much I yearned for her blood so that she would know the danger I posed but I didn't want to frighten her. I wanted her to know the truth – even though my truth was ugly.
Continuing to use human examples I elaborated, "If you locked an alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, he'd gladly drink it. But he could resist, if he wished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic. Now let's say you placed in that room a glass of hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest finest cognac – and filled the room with its warm aroma – how do you think he would fare then?"
I let the thought sink in as we sat in silence for a while. It didn't fully encapsulate how her blood called to me, but it was a start.
"Maybe that's not the right comparison," I confessed. "Maybe it would be too easy to turn down the brandy. Perhaps I should have made our alcoholic a heroin addict instead." I smiled wryly.
"So what you're telling me is, I'm your brand of heroin?" she asked with a playful smile.
"Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin." It was true, I felt like an addict when it came to Bella and that was not limited to her blood.
"Does that happen often?" she asked, mirroring the question I'd asked Carlisle that first day I caught her mind-blowing scent, and my family when I'd returned from Alaska. I pondered what to tell her – I would be truthful but censor the worst.
"I spoke to my brothers about it. To Jasper, every one of you is much the same. He's the most recent to join our family. It's a struggle for him to abstain at all. He hasn't had time to grow sensitive to the difference in smell, in flavor," I winced, looking quickly at Bella, I hadn't meant to use that word – I was desperately trying not to think of her that way, but a mind-set of eighty years was difficult to overcome. I apologized.
"I don't mind. Please don't worry about offending me, or frightening me, or whichever," she said. "That's the way you think. I can understand, or I can try to at least. Just explain however you can."
So understanding and tolerant, but how far can I push this? She deserves to know the truth – I could not disguise what I am, and how much danger she is in every moment she spends with me, but I didn't want to lose her.
"So Jasper wasn't sure if he'd ever come across someone who was as…" How to phrase it? "…appealing as you are to me. Which makes me think not. Emmett has been on the wagon longer, so to speak, and he understood what I meant. He says twice, for him, once stronger than the other."
"And for you?"
"Never."
Hers was the sweetest blood I had ever smelled, but her affect on me was so much greater – she had changed me so completely that I felt like a different man than the one who had sat in biology that day when Bella walked into the stream of the heater.
"What did Emmett do?" she asked bringing me back from my musings. And so she saw to the root of the matter again and asked the question I definitely didn't want to answer. I tried not to visualize the scene I'd seen in Emmett's head of the lady hanging washing, her scent wafting through the fragrant plumes of the apple orchard that evening – his instinctive reaction. My hands clenched into fists. I couldn't tell her. I couldn't find the words.
"I guess I know," she said, barely above a whisper.
I chanced a look at her, feeling my emotions play on my face. Would she be understanding about this too? – knowing that my brother, her schoolmate was a murderer. Emmett had never been one for control, it had been a difficult time when he was a newborn, especially given his strength. Though it had been years since he had slipped at all, he was dangerous – we all were, no one more than me when it came to Bella. Would I be honest enough one day to tell her the truth of my past? Could I bear to see the look on her face when I did?
"Even the strongest of us fall off the wagon, don't we?"
She blanched. "What are you asking? My permission?" she asked, her voice harsh. This is where her patience runs out, I thought and despair crept into my consciousness, a feeling of emptiness hung over me. I couldn't find the words to answer her.
"I mean, is there no hope, then?" she asked more softly.
What? How could she think that?
"No, no" I said urgently, contritely, regretting how I had made it sound. I needed to tell her how I felt so that she could understand that I would not hurt her. "Of course there's hope! I mean, of course I won't…" I couldn't say the words. I couldn't truthfully promise her that either.
My eyes bore into hers trying to convey my sincerity – the depth of my feelings for her. "It's different for us." I liked the sound of 'us'. "Emmett… these were strangers he happened across. It was a long time ago, and he wasn't as… practiced, as careful, as he is now."
After a long silence – a silence where I thought I may actually go insane with worry – Bella spoke. "So if we'd met… oh, in a dark alley or something…" she trailed off.
My heart fell – this was it. She should know the extent of my depravity. I owed her that.
"It took everything I had not to jump up in the middle of that class full of children and –" I stopped, remembering the violence of my reaction that day, wishing that I could forget. "When you walked past me, I could have ruined everything Carlisle has built for us, right then and there. If I hadn't been denying my thirst for the last, well too many years, I wouldn't have been able to stop myself."
I was disgusted with myself – it was all the more real now that I was telling Bella and it was all the more likely that she would cast me off, never wanting to see me again.
"You must have thought I was possessed."
Confusion played on her features. "I couldn't understand why. How you could hate me so quickly…"
Now, thinking back, I couldn't imagine loathing Bella, even then I knew it was unfounded – that the innocent, silent girl beside me didn't deserve my hatred.
"To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me. The fragrance coming off your skin…" I tried to ignore the memories my tale stirred. "I thought it would make me deranged that first day. In that one hour, I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to get you alone. And I fought them each back, thinking of my family, what I could do to them. I had to run out, to get away before I could speak the words that would make you follow…"
I looked up at her, her expression difficult to read. "You would have come," I promised.
"Without a doubt," she agreed.
Bella seemed calm as she listened so, certain that she was not too frightened, I recounted the rest. "And then, as I tried to rearrange my schedule in a pointless attempt to avoid you, you were there – in that close, warm little room, the scent was maddening. I so very nearly took you then. There was only one other frail human there – so easily dealt with."
She shivered at that, the truth of my words sinking in, no doubt.
"But I resisted. I don't know how. I forced myself not to wait for you, not to follow you from the school. It was easier outside, when I couldn't smell you anymore, to think clearly, to make the right decision," I explained.
She regarded me carefully, taking in what I was telling her. Realizing probably for the first time the danger she had been in.
"I left the others near home – I was too ashamed to tell them how weak I was, they only knew something was very wrong – and then I went straight to Carlisle, at the hospital, to tell him I was leaving. I traded cars with him – he had a full tank of gas and I didn't want to stop. I didn't want to face Esme. She wouldn't have let me go without a scene. She would have tried to convince me that it wasn't necessary…" It still hurt thinking of what I'd inflicted on my family, even if for only such a short time. It paled however, to the pain inspired at the thought of having hurt Bella – no, nothing compared to that.
"By the next morning I was in Alaska." I felt my cowardice keenly, running away did not hold well with me, but I would surrender my pride sooner than sacrifice Bella to my animalistic desires. What I couldn't seem to give up was my time with her.
"I spent two days there, with some old acquaintances… but I was homesick. I hated knowing I'd upset Esme, and the rest of them, my adopted family. In the pure air of the mountains it was hard to believe you were so irresistible." Damn pride. "I convinced myself it was weak to run away. I'd dealt with temptation before, not of this magnitude, not even close, but I was strong."
I looked at her now with a teasing smile, thinking of the difference in my attitude then and now. I was arrogant. I thought myself untouchable, above it all. Then in walked this unassuming gentle creature and altered my world and my self, permanently. I laughed at my conceit.
"Who were you, an insignificant little girl – to chase me from the place I wanted to be?" That place had changed too, my home was not Forks or with my family any longer – that place was by her side.
"So I came back…" I continued. "I took precautions, hunting, feeding more than usual before seeing you again. I was sure that I was strong enough to treat you like any other human." Yeah right. "I was arrogant about it." I admitted.
"It was unquestionably a complication that I couldn't simply read your thoughts to know what your reaction was to me. I wasn't used to having to go to such circuitous measures, listening to your words in Jessica's mind… her mind isn't very original, and it was annoying to have to stoop to that. And then I couldn't know if you really meant what you said. It was all extremely irritating." I frowned, realizing that little had changed in that respect, Bella was talking to me – I was being more honest with her than I ever thought to be, and still, I was guessing at her reactions.
"I wanted you to forget my behavior that first day, if possible, so I tried to talk with you like I would with any person." Not that I had ever conversed much with the human populace of the many schools I had attended. "I was eager actually, hoping to decipher some of your thoughts. But you were too interesting, I found myself caught up in your expressions… and every now and then you would stir the air with your hand or your hair, and the scent would stun me again…" I tried not to think of my reactions, the ones I was becoming accustomed to resisting.
Bella was fascinated by my tale, even more silent than usual, not that I was giving her much opportunity to talk. It felt cathartic to tell her the truth, to explain my erratic behavior at last. And as I had realized before – I wanted her to know me.
"Of course, then you were nearly crushed to death in front of my eyes. Later I thought of a perfectly good excuse for why I acted at that moment – because if I hadn't saved you, if your blood had been spilled there in front of me, I don't think I could have stopped myself from exposing us for what we are." I shuddered at the thought and tried in vain to blot Alice's vision of what would have happened had I not intervened from my memory – it disturbed me then, I found it horrifying now. I willed it to go away – Bella was here sitting in front of me very much alive, I reasoned, but the feeling of dread would not leave me.
"But I only thought of that excuse later. At the time all I could think was, 'Not her,'" I confided. Part of me must have known then just how important she was, the words 'not her' ringing in my head as if they belonged to someone else.
Bella did not recoil in fear – her voice was full of compassion as she asked quietly, "In the hospital?" My eyes flashed to hers and saw what I'd heard in her voice. I was in awe of her – what she could take on faith, to believe in me like I could not believe in myself.
"I was appalled," I answered truthfully. "I couldn't believe I had put us in danger after all, put myself in your power – you of all people. As if I needed another motive to kill you." I flinched, my mouth had run away with me again, it was too easy to forget what I was saying. But I needed to explain myself properly. "But it had the opposite effect. I fought with Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper when they suggested that now was the time…" I faltered not wanting to say the words again. "The worst fight we've ever had. Carlisle sided with me, and Alice." I was infinitely grateful for the wisdom and compassion of my father, but I winced when I remembered the reason why Alice had managed to convince my family not to take action – death or one of us – no! I would forge that third path. I was adamant. I could not harm her in any way, could not cause her pain of any kind, and I could not bring this beautiful caring, simply good, creature be delivered to my damned half-life. If I ever had any hope of redemption – harming Bella would extinguish it.
"Esme told me to do whatever I had to in order to stay," I finished, trying to bring myself out of my dark thoughts by thinking of my adopted mother's indulgence.
Bella listened intently giving very little away in her expression. I continued. "All the next day I eavesdropped on the minds of everyone you spoke to, shocked that you kept your word. I didn't understand you at all. But I knew that I couldn't become more involved with you. I did my very best to stay as far from you as possible," I admitted. But I had failed – clearly. The issue now was that as much as I couldn't stay away, I didn't want to. "And every day the perfume of your skin, your breath, your hair… it hit me as hard as the very first day."
I could fight the monster so much better now that I knew that I loved her, but she was always at risk – I knew I would not kill her intentionally, that if I were to be overcome it would be a tragic accident, but Bella courted danger, and invited tragedy. To hurt her now… to lose her now… The thought choked me.
"And for all that, I'd have fared better if I had exposed us all at that first moment, than if now, here – with no witnesses and nothing to stop me – I were to hurt you."
"Why?" she asked.
Why? She had to ask why? She really didn't understand how much I felt for her. I was always surprised that she could see into the heart of matters that concerned others, she could see through my defenses, look past my exterior and view me as a man – but she couldn't see into my heart.
"Isabella," I said using her full name, liking the way it felt on my tongue. Not wanting to frighten her with my intensity, but resolved on telling her the truth, I reached over and tenderly toyed with her hair, enjoying the feel of her silken tresses between my fingers. "Bella, I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you. You don't know how it's tortured me." I looked down, unable to meet her gaze. "The thought of you, still, white, cold… to never see you blush scarlet again, to never see that flash of intuition in your eyes when you see through my pretenses… it would be unendurable." I lifted my eyes to hers, pleading with her to see my love, see my shame for the danger I put her in and, and… forgive me.
I didn't see forgiveness at all, it dawned on me that she'd never held me accountable for anything. "You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever," I said, sincerity ringing in my voice.
Bella graced me with the blush that I adored, her heart racing. I waited with bated breath to see what she'd say. Would she tell me that she cared for me too? I waited.
"You already know how I feel, of course," she said in a shy, quiet voice. "I'm here… which, roughly translated, means I would rather die than stay away from you."
My heart swelled that she wanted to be with me – I knew it already, but to hear her say it was glorious. But the connotations that her declaration suggested frightened me – she would risk her own life to be with me – it was wrong, so wrong, I wasn't worth it.
"I'm an idiot," she added with a frown.
"You are an idiot," I laughed.
We laughed together providing some relief from the intense atmosphere between us. It was funny, I had to admit, the sheer absurdity of this conversation – here we were a vampire and a human girl in love… did I dare to hope that she loved me? In this moment I did.
"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb..."
"What a stupid lamb," she breathed, not meeting my gaze, but I could see she was smiling from the curve of her pretty, flushed cheeks.
"What a sick, masochistic lion." I was a fool to do this to myself, a true monster to do this to her, but the way she made me feel… It was like nothing I…
"Why…?" she started, but couldn't find the words.
"Yes?" I asked. What would she ask me now? I had shared so much, but of course, the details revealed would only cause more questions in her inquisitive mind.
"Tell me why you ran from me before."
Of course she would ask the hardest question to answer. I'd already told her so much – why did she have to ask me this? "You know why."
"No, I mean, exactly what did I do wrong? I'll have to be on my guard, you see, so I better start learning what I shouldn't do. This, for example" – she leaned over and lightly caressed the back of my hand. I hummed quietly at the feel of it, distracted from my annoyance at her taking the blame for my awful behavior – "seems to be alright."
"You didn't do anything wrong, Bella. It was my fault." As if she could be held responsible for anything I might do to her. My display earlier had surely proved that point.
"But I want to help, if I can, to not make this harder for you," she persisted.
I had just admitted how difficult it was for me to resist the urge to kill her, and instead of running away screaming, she wanted to help me – was she made for me? I desperately hoped that the irresponsible guardian angel I had conjured up in my mind as her creator had not erred in her judgment in sending Bella into my path. However, there were things that could help, Bella being more wary for one. But did I really want her to be wary of me?
"Well… it was just how close you were. Most humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled by our alienness… I wasn't expecting you to come so close. And the smell of your throat…" I said, and hearing the longing in my voice I stopped – I should not continue that line of thought, Bella should not hear it either.
"Okay then," she quipped, tucking in her chin and raising her shoulders. "No throat exposure."
I chuckled. "No, really," I explained. "It was more the surprise than anything else."
I had proven that I could be close to her, to touch her even, I just needed to be very mindful and focus, to monitor my every breath and every urge – to manage and control. I raised my hand and placed it on her neck to prove my point. I could feel her pulse quicken beneath my hand, the beat and the warmth radiated up my arm. Her blush flowed across every inch of skin I could see. I was not going to tell her about my other thoughts while she was that close to my mouth, and I was trying not to think about them now. Trying.
"You see," I sighed. "Perfectly fine."
I felt the impulse to touch the attractive blush that drew my attention to her rounded cheeks. "The blush on your cheeks is lovely," I said, gently reaching up to smooth my fingers along her cheek. I brought both hands up to cradle her face in my hands. I was on edge, I knew the risk I was taking and I couldn't stop myself. I just had to focus. I wanted to prove that I could do this, I had to try. I tensed, ready to run were it to become too much.
"Be very still," I warned, though there was little she could do in my iron grasp.
Slowly, monitoring my every impulse and Bella's every reaction – I leaned in asking her permission with my eyes. She did as I asked and stayed motionless. Feeling in control and without any rebuttal from Bella, I placed my cheek against the hollow at the base of her throat. The sensation was exceptional, and I drowned in it momentarily, but kept my focus on breathing steadily, keeping myself in check.
I acclimatized to the feeling a little, though I couldn't ever imagine touching Bella like this ever becoming normal, it would always be a wonder to me, of that I was certain. I trailed my hands slowly down her bare neck, eliciting a shiver. Was it the temperature of my skin or a shiver of desire? The mere thought that it could be desire had my mind whirling out of control. I took a sharp intake of breath and closed my eyes trying to restore my calm. My hands did not still their progress and slid onto her clothed shoulders.
I ran the tip of my nose across her collarbone, savoring her scent, feeling her heat seep into my flesh. I rested my face against her chest, lost in the rhythmic rise and fall of it, hearing her hammering heart resounding in my ears. There was something so comforting about it, this vital pumping organ that gave Bella life and was symbolic of something even greater.
"Ah," I sighed in appreciation. I had thought my cold marble flesh was impenetrable but she had gotten through; her warmth filled me. My heart was in her grip, the one part of me that could easily be broken. I had never felt so vulnerable, and as much as I had told myself not to expect Bella to return my feelings I had hoped against hope. Now that she had shown me that she did care for me, if only a fraction of my feelings… my heart sang.
My mind drifted in what I could only imagine was a dream-like state. I felt lost but found all in the same moment. Bella being a part of my existence was very new to me, and yet I had the sensation of returning home when I was with her. She would be my home now; wherever she was, would be my place in the world. For the first time ever, I felt peace; I was in the eye of the storm and I reveled in it. My face felt warm, burning really, it was burning hotter than the fire in my throat. I realized that I was taking her warmth, warmth that she needed even on this sunny day so I sat back, much too soon for my liking.
"It won't be so hard again," I declared, delighted. I had overcome the thirst of the monster, he still existed but I had fought him and won and became easier with each battle.
"Was that very hard for you?" she asked. It was pleasant to hear her voice we'd been quiet for so long.
"Not nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. And you?" I wondered.
"No, it wasn't bad… for me," she qualified.
I smiled – smart alec. "You know what I mean," I said good-naturedly.
Had she shared the blissful moment with me; feeling our connection as I did? I wanted to share everything with her.
"Here," I said, taking her hand in mine and placing it on my warmed cheek. "Do you feel how warm it is?"
Oh, her hand on my face…
"Don't move," she whispered, echoing my sentiment from earlier.
I did as I was asked, closing my eyes to savor the feeling of her skin on mine and refusing to look at her face full of wonder, her full, now parted lips, lest it become too much. Bella's fingers whispered across my face, exploring, caressing affectionately. The feeling was indescribable, her innocent willing hands tracing the lines of my face, my nose, my eyelids, my lips… I wanted to kiss her fingertips. I clamped my mouth shut. It was a loss when she pulled away, dropping her hand to her lap.
"I wish… I wish you could feel the… complexity… the confusion… I feel. That you could understand," I murmured.
A lock of hair had fallen over her forehead and I reached out to smooth it behind her ear. My movement was unhurried, my fingers lingering on her skin. She blushed beneath them. The contrast between her rosy cheeks and my cold hard hands was startling as the suns rays bounced off of me like crystal; how I hated my hands.
"Tell me," she breathed, bringing my attention back to the present.
My hand traced patterns on her face as I spoke. "I don't think I can. I've told you, on the one hand, the hunger – the thirst – that, deplorable creature that I am, I feel for you. And I think you can understand that, to an extent. Though as you are not addicted to any illegal substances, you probably can't empathize completely.
"But… there are other hungers. Hungers I don't even understand, that are foreign to me," I confided, my finger moving back and forth over her lips. Bella trembled in response. Did she feel it too? The magnetism – the… longing? I'd been inside the minds of humans for decades, been around the loving couples that comprised my family and yet I found it difficult to articulate my feelings.
"I may understand that better than you think," she mumbled beneath my fingers. It was as though she was the mind-reader.
"I'm not used to feeling so human. Is it always like this?" I asked, taking her hands in mine, taking extra care as I felt their fragility in my strong grip.
"For me? No, never. Never before this."
Her answer satisfied me, I had thought she may have had someone back in Phoenix, it would make sense. Although they could not fully comprehend her beauty, in both form and character, the human males were not oblivious to her appeal. Though none of the mundane human boys in Forks had anything to interest Bella, they could offer her things that I couldn't; could be close to her in ways that I couldn't; could be near to her without putting her in mortal danger. If only I were human…
"I don't know how to be close to you," I confessed. "I don't know if I can."
She leaned forward with exaggerated slowness, asking my permission, and placed her cheek against my chest, over my heart. My breath left me in a gust, and for the second time that day my chest tightened and I felt as though I would cry were it possible.
"This is enough," she sighed.
I wished that that could be true. My arms encircled her delicate frame tenderly, holding her to me. I never wanted to let her go.
Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it. I am very new to writing and I would like to know how I am doing, so please help me out by reviewing. It would be much appreciated.
Thank you to KrisBCullen and EvilPumpkin from Project Team Beta for their very helpful comments on this chapter.
And once again, thank you to ange de l'aube, my pre-reader and friend. Without her encouragement I probably wouldn't be writing at all.
Rhian
xx