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Chapter 1: I Accidentally Vaporize My Pre- Algebra Teacher

Malfoy snatched the book out of Hermione's hands and began to read, "Chapter 1: 'I Accidentally Vaporize My Pre- Algebra Teacher'"

"What's pre- algebra, Hermione?" Ron asked.

"It's a type of Muggle Mathematics, Ronald." Hermione pointed out.

"Oh."

Malfoy continued to read in his American accent:

"Look, I didn't want to be a Half- Blood."

"Malfoy, you're a half- blood?" Ernie Macmillan said in mock terror. "All this time I thought you were Pureblood."

"Shut up, Snifflepuff." Malfoy snapped. "The character in the book's a half blood, not me."

"Oh, sorry," Ernie said sarcastically.

Malfoy continued reading. "If you're reading this because you think you might be one, my advice is close this book right now."

"Okay, then," Malfoy closed the book.

"Draco Malfoy, open that book right now and keep reading." Hermione scolded him.

"Whatever." Malfoy sighed and opened the book back up and continued.

"Believe whatever lie your mom or dad told you about your birth, and try to lead a normal life. Being a Half- Blood is dangerous. It's scary. Most of the time it gets you killed in painful, nasty ways."

"Like what?" Luna Lovegood asked.

"Well, let's find out, Loony." Malfoy said.

"Don't call her that, Malfoy!" Ginny yelled.

Malfoy continued, "If you're a normal kid reading this because it's fiction, great. Read on. I envy you for being able to believe that none of this ever happened."

"Well, we are not normal kids, and we know this happened because Dumbledore told us." Harry stated.

"But if you recognize yourself in these pages- if you feel something stirring inside – stop reading immediately. You might be one of us. And once you know that, it's only a matter of time before they sense it, too, and they'll come for you."

"Who's they?" Luna wondered.

"Possibly bad guys, I'm sure." Harry said.

"Don't say I didn't warn you."

"That doesn't sound good," Cho Chang said worriedly.

"My name is Percy Jackson."

"No, your name is Draco Malfoy, the Amazing Bouncing Ferret Boy." Ron commented.

Every student in the office laughed at this for five minutes, while Malfoy's face went brick red.

"I'm twelve years old. Until a few months ago, I was a boarding student at Yancy Academy, a private school for troubled kids in upstate New York. Am I a troubled kid?"

"Yep," Ginny said. Everyone started laughing.

"Yeah, you could say that."

"At least Percy admits it," Hermione said.

"Yeah," Ron agreed. Most kids like to pretend they are sweet little angles."

"I could start at any point in my short miserable life to prove it, but things started to go really bad last May, when our sixth- grade class went to Manhattan- twenty eight mental case kids and two teachers on a yellow school bus heading to the Metropolitan Museum of art to look at Ancient Greek and Roman stuff."

Hermione had just remembered the time when she was nine and her parents took her to that museum before. She had enjoyed it greatly, but what could be so bad about it for Percy?

"I know- it sounds like torture. Most Yancy field trips were."

"But Mr. Brunner, our Latin teacher, was leading the trip, so I had hopes. Mr. Brunner was this middle aged guy in a motorized wheelchair."

"Oh poor guy," Hannah said sympathetically. "Wonder what happened?"

"He had thinning hair and a scruffy beard and a frayed tweed jacket, which always smelled like coffee."

"Bleagh, what a nice description." Harry commented.

"You wouldn't think he'd be cool, but he told stories and jokes and let us play games in class. He also had this awesome collection of Roman armor and weapons, so he was the only teacher who's class didn't put me to sleep."

"Never mind, he sounds like a cool guy." Harry corrected himself.

"I hoped this trip would be okay. At least I hoped that for once I wouldn't get in trouble. Boy was I wrong."

"What does he mean by that," Terry Boot from Ravenclaw asked.

"It means that something bad happened." Hermione said.

"See, bad things happen to me on field trips. Like at my fifth grade school when we went to the Saratoga Battlefield, I had this accident with a Revolutionary War cannon. I wasn't aiming for the school bus, but of course, I got expelled anyway. And before that, at my fourth grade school, when we took a behind- the – scenes tour of the Marine World shark pool, I sort of hit the wrong lever on the catwalk, and our class took an unplanned swim. And the time before that… well you get the idea."

"Oh great Merlin, this kid is trouble." Cho said.

"We don't know that for sure," Ernie said. "He could turn out to be a good one."

"This trip, I was determined to be good."

"See," Ernie said.

"All the way into the city I had to put up with Nancy Bobofit, the freckly, redheaded kleptomaniac girl hitting my best friend, Grover in the back of the head with chunks of peanut-butter and ketchup sandwich."

"Hey, Weasley I see you have a long lost sibling." Malfoy mocked.
"Oh, shut up!" Ron yelled. "If my mum had another kid, she would tell us!"

"Oh, sore spot." Ernie said in Hannah's ear.

"I heard that, Macmillan!" Ron said.

"A peanut butter and ketchup sandwich. Now that sounds disgusting!" Cho said.

"Grover was an easy target. He was scrawny. He cried when he got frustrated."

Harry was laughing at this.

"He must have been held back several grades because he was the only sixth grader with acne and the start of a wispy beard on his chin. On top of all that, he was crippled."

"Aw," Hermione cooed.

"He had a note excusing him from PE for the rest of his life, because he had some kind of muscular disease in his legs."

"Aw," Hermione cooed again.

"He walked funny, like every step hurt him, but don't let that fool you. You should've seen him run when it was enchilada day in the cafeteria."

The students were dying of laughter for more than two minutes.

"Anyway, Nancy Bobofit was throwing wads of sandwich that stuck in his curly- brown hair, and she knew I couldn't do anything back because I was already on probation. The headmaster had threatened me with in- school suspension if anything bad, embarrassing, or even mildly entertaining happened on this trip."

"Well, that's no fun," Ron said.

"'I'm going to kill her,' I mumbled."

"Grover tried to calm me down, 'It's okay. I like peanut butter.'"

"Well, at least he likes it," Hannah said.

"He dodged another piece of Nancy's lunch."

"'That's it.' I started to get up, but Grover pulled me back to my seat."

"'You're already on probation,' he reminded me. 'You know who'll get blamed if anything happens.'"

"Looking back on it, I wish I'd decked Nancy Bobofit right then and there. In- school suspension would've been nothing compared to the mess I was about to get myself into."

"Mr. Brunner led the museum tour."

"He rode up front in his wheelchair, guiding us through the big echoey galleries, past marble statues and glass cases full of really old black and orange pottery."

"I have never understood why Greek pottery was made that way." Ginny said to herself.

"It blew my mind that this stuff had survived for two thousand, three thousand years."

"He gathered us around a thirteen foot tall stone column with a big sphinx on the top, and started telling us how it was a grave marker, a stele for a girl about our age. He told us about the carvings on the sides. I was trying to listen to what he had to say, because it was kind of interesting, but everyone around me was talking, and every time I told them to shut up, the other chaperone, Mrs. Dodds, would give me the evil eye."

"Don't worry, Percy it happens to me all the time." Hermione said.

"Since when," Malfoy remarked coldly.

"Shut up, Ferret Boy." Hermione scolded.

"Mrs. Dodds was this little math teacher from Georgia who always wore a black jacket, even though she was fifty years old. She looked mean enough to ride a Harley right into your locker."

"Uh, Hermione, what's a Harley?" Ron asked.

"Harley is short for Harley Davidson, a motorbike company in America." Hermione answered.

"Oh," Ron said.

"She had come to Yancy halfway through the year when our last math teacher had a nervous breakdown."

"From her first day, Mrs. Dodds loved Nancy Bobofit, and figured I was the devil spawn. She would point her crooked finger at me and say, "Now, honey," real sweet, and I knew I was going to get after school detention for a month."

"Hey, at least you didn't have to clean the trophies in the trophy room." Ron said while rubbing his arm remembering that time back in second year.

"One time after she'd made me erase answers out old math workbooks, until midnight, I told Grover I didn't think Mrs. Dodds was human. He looked at me, real serious, and said, "You're absolutely right."

"Oh, this is not good," Ginny said.

"Mr. Brunner kept talking about Greek funeral art."

"Finally, Nancy Bobofit said something about the naked guy on the stele and I turned around and said, "Will you shut up?" That came out louder than it meant to."

"The whole group laughed. Mr. Brunner stopped his story. "Mr. Jackson," he said, "did you have a comment?"

"My face was totally red. I said, 'No, sir.'"

"Mr. Brunner pointed to one of the pictures on the stele. 'Perhaps you might be able to tell us what this picture represents?'"

"I looked at the carving, and felt a flush of relief, because I actually recognized it. "That's Kronos eating his kids, right?'"

"Why would someone want to eat their kids?" Luna asked.

"It's part of the myth, Luna." Cho answered.

"'Yes,' Mr. Brunner said, obviously not satisfied. "And he did this because…'"

"'Well…' I racked my brain, trying to remember. 'Kronos was the king god, and-'"

"'God?'" Mr. Brunner asked.

"'Titan,' I corrected myself. 'And… he didn't trust his kids, who were the gods. So, um, Kronos ate them, right? But his wife hid baby Zeus and gave Kronos a rock to eat instead. And later, when baby Zeus grew up, he tricked his dad, Kronos into barfing up his brothers and sisters-'"

"'Eeew!' said one off the girls behind me.'"

The students were in hysterics.

"'-and so there was this big fight between the gods and the Titans' I continued, 'and the gods won.'"

"Some snickers from the group."

"Behind me, Nancy Bobofit mumbled to a friend, 'Like we are going to use this in real life. Like it's going to say on our job applications, "Please explain why Kronos ate his kids?"'"

"'And why, Mr. Jackson,' Mr. Brunner said, 'to paraphrase Miss Bobofit's excellent question, does this matter in real life?'"

"Somebody's in trouble," Ron said like a first year.

"'Busted,'" Grover muttered."

"'Shut up,' Nancy hissed, her face even brighter red than her hair."

"At least Nancy got packed, too. Mr. Brunner was the only one who ever caught her saying anything wrong. He had radar ears.

"Just like McGonagall," Harry said. The students were laughing again.

"I thought about his question, and shrugged. 'I don't know, sir.'"

"'I see.' Mr. Brunner looked disappointed. 'Well, half- credit, Mr. Jackson. Zeus did indeed feed Kronos a mixture of mustard and wine, which made him disgorge his other five children, who, of course, being immortal gods, had been living and growing up completely undigested in the Titan's stomach.'"

"Gross," Hannah said, with a disgusted look on her face.

"'The gods defeated their father, sliced him to pieces with his own scythe, and scattered his remains in Tartarus, the darkest part of the underworld. On that happy note, it's time for lunch. Mrs. Dodds, would you lead back outside?'"

"The class drifted off, the girls holding their stomachs, the guys pushing each other around and acting like doofuses."

"Grover and I were about to follow when Mr. Brunner said, 'Mr. Jackson?'"

"I knew that was coming."

"I told Grover to keep going. Then, I turned around toward Mr. Brunner. 'Sir?'"

"Mr. Brunner had this look that wouldn't let you go- intense brown eyes that could've been a thousand years old and had seen everything."

"'You must learn the answer to my question,' Mr. Brunner told me.'"

"'About the Titans?'"

"'About real life. And how your studies apply to it.'"

"'Oh.'"

"'What you will learn from me,' he said 'is vitally important. I expect you to treat it as such. I will accept only the best from you, Percy Jackson.'"

"I wanted to get angry; this guy pushed me so hard."

"I mean, sure it was kind of cool on tournament days when he dressed up in a suit of Roman armor and shouted: 'what, ho!' and challenged us, sword point against chalk, to run up to the board and name every Greek and Roman person who had ever lived and their mother, and what god they worshipped."

"Now that sounds like fun." Harry said excitedly.

"But Mr. Brunner expected me to be as good as everybody else, despite the fact that I have dyslexia and attention- deflects- hyperactivity disorder and I had never made above a C- in my life."

"Aww…" Hermione and Ginny cooed at the same time.

"No- he didn't expect me to be as good; he expected me to be better. And I just couldn't learn all those names and facts, much less spelt them correctly."

"I mumbled something about trying harder, while Mr. Brunner took one long, sad look at the stele, like he'd been at this girl's funeral. He told me to go outside and eat my lunch."

"I would rather do that," Ron said.

"The class gathered on the front steps of the museum, where we could watch the foot traffic along Fifth Avenue. Overhead, a huge storm was brewing, with clouds blacker than I'd ever seen over the city. I figured maybe it was global warming or something, because the weather had been weird since Christmas. We'd had massive snow storms, flooding, wildfires from lightning strikes. I wouldn't have been surprised if this was a hurricane blowing in."

"Nobody else seemed to notice. Some of the guys were pelting pigeons with Lunchables crackers. Nancy Bobofit was trying to pickpocket something from a lady's purse,"

"I found a friend for the twins," Ron said.

"and, of course, Mrs. Dodds wasn't seeing a thing."

"Grover and I sat on the edge of the fountain, away from the others. We thought that maybe if we did that everybody wouldn't know we were from that school- the school for looser freaks who couldn't make it elsewhere."

"'Detention?' Grover asked"

"'Nah,' I said. 'Not from Brunner. I just wish he'd lay off me sometimes. I mean- I'm not a genius.'"

"Grover didn't say anything for awhile. Then, when I thought he was going to give me some deep philosophical comment to make me feel better, he said, 'Can I have your apple?'"

Everyone started laughing, because that reminded them of Crabbe and Goyle.

"I didn't have much of an appetite, so I let him take it."

"I watched the stream of cabs going down Fifth Avenue, and thought about my mom's apartment, only a little ways uptown from where we sat. I hadn't seen her since Christmas. I wanted so bad to jump into a taxi and head home. She'd hug me and be glad to see me, but she'd be disappointed, too. She'd send me right back to Yancy, remind me that I had to try harder, even if this was my sixth school in six years, and I was probably going to be kicked out again. I wouldn't be able to stand the look she'd give me."

"Six schools in six years," Hermione said. "Wow."

"Mr. Brunner parked his wheelchair at the base handicapped ramp. He ate celery while he read a paperback novel. A red umbrella stuck up from the back of his chair, making it look like a motorized café table."

"I was about to unwrap my sandwich, when Nancy Bobofit appeared in front of me with her ugly friends- I guess she'd got tired of stealing from the tourists- and dumped her half- eaten sandwich in Grover's lap."

"'Oops,' she grinned at me with her crooked teeth. Her freckles were orange, as if somebody had spray- painted her face with liquid Cheetos."

"I tried to stay cool. The school counselor had told me a million times, 'Count to ten, get control of your temper.' But I was so mad, my mind went blank. A wave roared in my ears."

"A wave," Luna asked.

"You don't think?" Ron looked at Harry.

"I think so." Harry said.

"I don't remember toughing her, but the next thing I knew, Nancy was sitting on her butt in the fountain, screaming, 'Percy pushed me!'"

There were a few chuckles from the students.

"Mrs. Dodds materialized next to us. Some of the kids were whispering, 'Did you see-'"

"'-The water-'"

"'-Like, it grabbed her-'"

"I didn't know what they were talking about. All I knew was that I was in trouble again."

"As soon as Mrs. Dodds was sure poor little Nancy was okay, promising to get her a new shirt at the museum's gift shop, etc., etc., Mrs. Dodds turned on me. There was a triumphant fire in her eyes, as if I'd done something she'd been waiting for all semester. 'Now, honey-'"

"Oh, great Merlin, kid DO SOMETHING!" Ernie yelled.

"'I know,' I grumbled. 'A month erasing workbooks.'"

"That wasn't the right thing to say."

"'Come with me,' Mrs. Dodds said."

"'Wait!' Grover yelped. 'It was me. I pushed her.'"

"I stared at him, stunned. I couldn't believe he was trying to cover for me. Mrs. Dodds scared Grover to death."

"She glared at him so hard his whiskery chin trembled. 'I don't think so, Mr. Underwood.'"

"'But-'"

"'You- will- stay- here.' Grover looked at me desperately."

"'It's okay, man,' I told him. 'Thanks for trying.'"

"'Honey,' Mrs. Dodds barked at me. 'Now!'" Nancy Bobofit smirked.

"I gave her my deluxe I'll- kill- you- later stare. Then, I turned to face Mrs. Dodds, but she wasn't there. She was standing at the museum entrance, way at the top of the steps, gesturing impatiently at me to come on. How did she get there so fast?"

"Now that is cool," Malfoy said after a while. He was getting tired of reading.

"I have moments like that a lot, when my brain falls asleep or something, and the next thing I know I've missed something, as if a puzzle piece fell out of the universe and left me staring at the blank place behind it. The school counselor told me it was part of the ADHD, my brain misinterpreting things. I wasn't so sure. I went after Mrs. Dodds."

"Halfway up the steps, I glanced back at Grover. He was looking pale, cutting his eyes between me and Mr. Brunner, like he Wanted Mr. Brunner to notice what was going on, but Mr. Brunner was absorbed in his novel. "

"I looked back up. Mrs. Dodds had disappeared again. She was now inside the building, at the entrance hall. Okay, I thought. She's going to make me buy a new shirt for Nancy at the gift shop. But apparently that wasn't the plan."

"I followed her deeper into the museum. When I finally caught up with her, we were back in the Greek and Roman section. Except for us, the gallery was empty."

"Mrs. Dodds stood with her arms crossed in front of a big marble frieze of the Greek gods. She was making this weird noise in her throat, like growling. Even without the noise, I would've been nervous. It's weird being alone with a teacher, especially Mrs. Dodds. Something about the way she looked at the frieze, as if she wanted to pulverize it."

"Well, do it then, woman!" Harry said.

"'You've been giving us problems, honey,' she said. I did the safe thing. I said, 'Yes, ma'am.'"

"She tugged on the cuffs of her leather jacket. 'Did you really think you would get away with it?'"

"She's a teacher, I thought nervously. It's not like she's going to hurt me. I said, 'I'll- I'll try harder, ma'am.'Thunder shook the building."

"At least he's going to try," Hermione said.

"'We are not fools, Percy Jackson,' Mrs. Dodds said. 'It was only a matter of time before we found you out. Confess, and you'll suffer less pain.' I didn't know what she was talking about."

"All I could think of was that the teachers must've found the illegal stash of candy I'd been stealing out of my dorm room. Or maybe they'd realize I got my essay of Tom Sawyer from the Internet without ever reading the book and now they were going to take away my grade. Or worse, they were going to make me read the book."

"Oh, come on it's not that bad," Hermione insisted.

"'Well?' She demanded. 'Ma'am, I don't…'"

"'Your time is up,' she hissed."

"Then, the weirdest thing happened. Her eyes began to glow like barbecue coals. Her fingers stretched, turning into talons. Her jacket melted into large leathery wings. She wasn't human. She was a shriveled hag with bat wings and claws and a mouth full of yellow fangs, and she was about to slice me to ribbons. Things got even stranger."

Luna was whimpering in the corner of the office.

"Mr. Brunner, who'd been out in front of the museum a minute before, wheeled his chair into the doorway of the gallery, holding a pen in his hand."

"Bloody hell." Ron said.

"'What ho, Percy!' he shouted, and tossed me the pen through the air. Mrs. Dodds lunged at me."

"With a yelp, I dodged and felt talons slash the air next to my ear. I snatched the ballpoint pen out of the air, but when it hit my hand, it wasn't a pen anymore. It was a sword- Mr. Brunner's bronze sword, which he always used on tournament day. Mrs. Dodds spun toward me with a murderous look on her face."

"My knees were jelly. My hands were shaking so bad I almost dropped the sword. She snarled, 'Die, honey!' And she flew straight at me. Absolute terror ran through my body. I did the only thing that came naturally: I swung the sword. The metal blade hit her shoulder and passed clean through her body as if she were made of water. Hissss!"

"Oh dear," Cho said worriedly.

"Mrs. Dodds was a sandcastle in a power fan. She exploded into yellow powder, vaporized on the spot, leaving nothing but the smell of sulfur and a dying screech and the chill of evil in the air, as if those two glowing red eyes were still watching me. I was alone. There was a ballpoint pen in my hand."

"This kid is so paranoid," Ginny said.

"Mr. Brunner wasn't there. Nobody was there but me. My hands were still trembling. My lunch must've been contaminated with magic mushrooms or something. Had I imagined the whole thing? I went back outside. It had started to rain."

"Someone's under the weather," Malfoy remarked.

'Shut up," Ron said

"Grover was sitting by the fountain, a museum map tented over his head. Nancy Bobofit was still standing there, soaked from her swim in the fountain, grumbling to her ugly friends. When she saw me she said, 'I hope Mrs. Kerr whipped your butt.'"

"I said, 'Who?'"

"'Our teacher. Duh!'"

"I blinked. We had no teacher named Mrs. Kerr. I asked Nancy what she was talking about. She just rolled her eyes and turned away. I asked Grover where Mrs. Dodds was."

"He said, 'Who?'"

"But he paused first, and he wouldn't look at me, so I thought he was messing with me."

"'Not funny, man,' I told him. 'This is serious.' Thunder boomed overhead."

"I saw Mr. Brunner sitting under his red umbrella, reading his book, as if he never moved. I went over to him. He looked up, a little distracted. "Ah, that would be my pen. Please bring your own writing utensil in the future, Mr. Jackson.'"

"I handed Mr. Brunner his pen. I hadn't even realized I was still holding it."

"'Sir,' I said, 'where's Mrs. Dodds?'"

"He stared at me blankly. 'Who?'"

"'The other chaperone. Mrs. Dodds. The pre- algebra teacher.'"

"He frowned and sat forward, looking mildly concerned. 'Percy, there is no Mrs. Dodds on this trip. As far as I know, there has never been a Mrs. Dodds at Yancy Academy. Are you feeling all right?'"

"Finally, I'm done!" Malfoy stretched and said, "Who's next?"

"I'll do it," Cho volunteered. She went over to where Malfoy was sitting and took the book from his hands. She started to read in her normal accent, "Chapter 2…"

I hope you guys liked it. If you did, review please!