OOOH. WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE? IT'S A REVIEW. BY ONE "INSANE GUY OF DOOM." LET'S SCOPE THIS SHIT OUT IMMEDIATELY, SHALL WE?

"That was hilarious! You should do Burial at Sea next."

I AM NOT HILARIOUS. I AM ONLY STATING THE TRUTH. THAT YOUR HUMAN FICTION IS BASICALLY A PIECE OF SHIT. AND IS NO MATCH FOR OUR CHERUB FICTION. AND THUS. I WILL PROVE IT. WITH YOUR SUGGESTION. WHICH APPEARS TO BE. AN EXTENSION TO THIS SAGA.

CALIBORN PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS.

BIOSHOCK INFINITE. BURIAL AT SEA. EPISODES ONE AND TWO.

YUP. BECAUSE THIS AWFUL STORY WON'T LAST ITS OWN SPAN. IT HAS TO HAVE NOT ONE. BUT TWO EXPANSIONS. EACH OF WHICH COSTS ADDITIONAL MONEY. THAT I WOULDN'T WANT TO GIVE TO THIS NOT-PORTAL NOT-HALF-LIFE NOT-STANLEY PARABLE NOT-KERBAL SPACE PROGRAM GAME COMPANY ANYWAY. THE MATTER OF FACT IS SIMPLY. THAT THE HUMAN HUMOR IS SIMPLY BEYOND ME. I GIVE UP. (I DON'T GIVE UP. I PROMISED THAT I WOULD CARRY ON. IN EARLIER STORIES.)

WELL, OBVIOUSLY, LET'S BEGIN WITH. EPISODE ONE. WHICH BEGINS. IN THE IRRELEVANT UNDERWATER CITY. FROM THE LAST SCENES OF THE PREVIOUS GAME. (I.E. "THE APOCALYPSE." OR SOMETHING.) WHERE OUR DEWITT MALE IS A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR. AND THE GIRL. WHO, AS IT STANDS NOW, IS *NOT* AN OMNISCIENT. ENLISTS HIS HELP.

THIS THUS DIRECTS OUR BOOKER MALE. TO ANOTHER GIRL NAMED SALLY. IN A BUILDING. IN WHICH SOME AIR TANK WAS SHOT. AND THE BUILDING WAS SEVERED FROM EVERYTHING ELSE. HENCE RESTING AT THE SEA FLOOR. (THUS THE TITLE. "BURIED AT SEA.") AND THEN IT TURNED OUT. THAT THE ONLY MALE WHO KNEW HOW TO GET THERE. WAS A COMPLETE WHACKJOB. BECAUSE HE ATTEMPTED TO BE "AN ARTIST." SORT OF LIKE. WHAT PEOPLE CLAIM THAT I AM. BUT DO NOT MISTAKE ME FOR HIM. I SAID, DO NOT MISTAKE ME FOR HIM.

THE WHACKJOB THUS ELECTROCUTES OUR BOOKER MALE AND THE NOT-OMNISCIENT. AND THEY END UP. AT THE SUPPOSEDLY BURIED PART OF THE CITY. WHERE OUR BOOKER MALE FINDS A NEW WEAPON. WHICH IS SOME SORT OF A HEATER? THAT CAN FRY PEOPLE. WHILE THE NON-OMNISCIENT GIRL BEGINS OPENING THE PORTAL TEARS AGAIN. AND STUFF LIKE THAT.

SO THEN. THE TWO GO TO FIND SALLY. AND THEY DO THAT. BY FREEZING LEAKED WATER. TO GET INTO SOME TOY STORE? WITH MORE OF THE AWFUL POWERS THAT I CAN'T KEEP TRACK OF. WHAT THE HELL. THAT DOESN'T MATTER. THE POINT IS THEY GET TO SALLY. PERIOD. DON'T ASK ME ANY QUESTIONS.

SO THEN. IT TURNS OUT SALLY IS SOMETHING. CALLED A "LITTLE SISTER." AND THUS NEEDS TO DIE. LIKE ANY SORT OF SISTER. AND IT TURNS OUT. THAT SHE IS OUR BOOKER MALE'S. ADOPTED, FAT, UGLY DAUGHTER. SO ANYWAY. THEY THEN HEAT THE PIPES. WHERE SALLY IS HELD. SO SHE WILL EITHER DIE. OR COME OUT. BUT THEN. THEY HAVE TO FIGHT SOMEONE. NAMED A "BIG DADDY." I CAN'T KEEP TRACK OF ALL THE SHITTY PLOT TWISTS. AND THAT IS SAYING SOMETHING. SINCE I AM THE MASTER OF SHITTY PLOT TWISTS.

SO ANYWAY. THEY GO BACK TO THE ONE OF THE FLASHBACKS. OF THE LAST GAME'S ENDING. AND SOMETHING IS DIFFERENT. IN THE ORIGINAL. THE BABY LOST A FINGER WHILE BEING PULLED THROUGH THE PORTAL. AND THIS TIME. SHE LOST HER HEAD. AND THUS IS DEAD. EVEN THOUGH SHE ISN'T. AND TO FORGET. APPARENTLY OUR BOOKER MALE HAD TO GO TO THE APOCALYPSE. AND ALL.

LIKEWISE. THE "BIG DADDY" IS NOT DEAD DESPITE BEING DEAD. AND MOLESTS OUR BOOKER MALE. WHILE CALLIE DIES. SERVES THAT ASSHOLE RIGHT.

(GOD. SALLY. I KEEP THINKING OF CALLIOPE WHEN I MEAN ANY BITCH THAT SHOULD DIE. I'LL KEEP THIS TOGETHER. I PROMISE.)

THUS. EPISODE TWO. BEGINS WITH A DREAM SEQUENCE. WITH THAT UGLY TOWER THING. THAT I ONCE SAW IN THE ORIGINAL GAME. WHERE THE GIRL IS DANCING MERRILY. BUT THEN. THE DREAM TURNS INTO A NIGHTMARE. AND THE GIRL WAKES UP. NEXT TO HER OWN CORPSE. AND THEN OUR BOOKER MALE. WHO IS NO LONGER OURS SINCE WE NOW ARE IN CHARGE OF THE GIRL. BEGINS NEGOTIATING STUFF. HE HAS SALLY. THE GIRL HAS TO GET "THE ACE IN THE HOLE." AND THEN THEY'LL EXCHANGE THEM.

AS IT HAPPENS. THE GIRL REMEMBERS STUFF. TURNS OUT SHE DID BECOME AN OMNISCIENT. BUT PLEADED TO GO TO THIS REALITY. SINCE SHE DIDN'T DESTROY COMCAST IN ITS ENTIRETY. (COMCAST IS OUR BOOKER MALE. REMEMBER THAT.) BUT TURNS OUT. THIS IS HER ORIGINAL REALITY. AND IF SHE GOES THERE. SHE WILL LOSE HER POWERS. BUT GUESS WHAT. SHE DID IT ANYWAY. WHILE THE MALE BITCH AND THE BITCH MALE. WHO HAVE NOW BECOME THEIR OWN BACKDROP. JUST SING THEIR OWN SONG.

AND THEN OUR BOOKER MALE. WHO IS NOT BOOKER, FOR SOME REASON. TELLS HER EVERYTHING'S GOING TO TURN OUT ALRIGHT? I DON'T EVEN.

SO THEN. THE NON-OMNISCIENT OUR GIRL GOES AROUND. AND FINDS THE MALE BITCH AND THE BITCH MALE'S DEVICE. WITH SOMEONE NAMED SUCHONG. WHO IS NOT REALLY INSIDE. BUT WHO HAS CONTROL OF THE LAB. AND TRAPS HER INSIDE.

HE WILL LET HER OUT. ONLY IF SHE REPAIRS THE QUANTUM DEVICE. AND SHE HAS TO AGREE. SO SHE BEGINS. BY GOING BACK TO THE FLYING CITY OF COLOMBIA. (I HAVE DETERMINED. THAT THIS IS THE CORRECT FORM OF THE WORD. DON'T ARGUE WITH ME.) WHERE SHE FINDS SOME LAB NAMED "FINKTON." WHICH I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO MENTION FROM THE ORIGINAL GAME. AND IT TURNS OUT. THAT FINK IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE POWERS. THOSE, UH. VIGOR/PLASMID THINGS. I SIMPLY CAN'T KEEP IT STRAIGHT ANYMORE.

SO THEN. OUR GIRL WALKS THROUGH MORE OF THE PLOT THAT I CAN'T UNDERSTAND. AND THAT PROBABLY HAS LITTLE RELEVANCE ANYWAY. AND GOES THROUGH THE FINKTON LAB. WHERE SHE FINDS A HEAD. OF THE GIANT ROBOT BIRD FROM PORTAL 2. TURNS OUT. DUE TO SOME INCIDENT IN THE PAST. THE GIANT ROBOT BIRD CAME TO WANT TO PROTECT THE GIRL. FOR REASONS UNKNOWN.

THEN. THE GIRL ESCAPES AND TAKES A QUANTUM PARTICLE. AND THUS GOES BACK TO THE APOCALYPSE. WHERE SHE FINDS SOMEONE NAMED BOTH ATLAS AND FONTAINE. AND TO THAT I REACT. WHO THE FUCK IS ATLAS AND WHO THE FUCK IS FONTAINE. SO.

SHE USES THE QUANTUM PARTICLE. TO GET THE BURIED PART TO BE NON-BURIED. SO THAT IT CAN BE INVADED. BUT THEN SHE IS HIT OVER AND FALLS.

WHEN SHE WAKES UP. HER BRAIN IS ABOUT TO BE MOLESTED. IN SOME WAY THAT I CAN'T QUITE UNDERSTAND. WOW, THIS REVIEW IS TURNING OUT REALLY BAD. I WILL HAVE TO GIVE UP ASKING FOR SUGGESTIONS. IN FAVOR OF COVERING WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT.

BUT THEN. TURNS OUT THE GIRL ACTUALLY WANTS IT. SO THEY DECIDE TO MOLEST SALLY INSTEAD. BUT THEN ENDS UP NOT MOLESTING HER. SINCE OUR GIRL SAID SOME IMPORTANT STUFF. BUT THEN. SHE PASSES OUT AGAIN.

WHEN SHE WAKES UP. A WAR HAS STARTED. SO THE GIRL HAS TO GET ACE. AND NOW FINALLY THE EXCHANGE COULD HAPPEN. AND THEN. THE GIRL COMMUNES WITH THE "LITTLE SISTERS" AND THE "BIG DADDY." TO CONFRONT THE SUCHONG SOMEONE. AND THEN HE DIES.

THOUGH. SHE CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHO ACE IS. AND NEVER WILL. SO NOT-OUR NOT-BOOKER MALE HELPS HER OUT. AND THEN SHE GOES TO ATLAS/FONTAINE. WHO KNOCKS HER OUT ONCE AGAIN. AND THIS TIME SHE FINALLY DIES. BUT THEN. SHE REMEMBERS SOMETHING. RELATED TO THE GAMES BIOSHOCK ONE AND TWO? I CAN'T EVEN.

ANYWAY. SINCE ELIZABETH DIES, EPISODE TWO ENDS. THERE WE GO.

THE END.

ALRIGHT. SHOULD I COVER BIOSHOCK ONE AND TWO? SINCE IT TURNS OUT THEY'RE RELEVANT. BUT IF I GO THROUGH ANY MORE OF THIS HORSESHIT. I WILL PROBABLY PUKE.

ANSWER SOON. ANYONE. PREFERABLY THE GUY OF DOOM.

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