Chapter One: Mountains, Mandragoras and Captain Emo

There's an old saying in Wutai, which I didn't actually make up. It says that 'If you stand firm in ignorance, Fate itself will conspire to teach you a lesson.' The lesson is that mountains suck. Although, I'm not sure Fate deserves all the credit. I think Cloud and company had a hand in it.

I mean, let's face it. I used to like the Da Choa mountain...Before I was kidnapped, gagged, and tied upside down to it over five billion feet in the air by a blonde perverted dwarf. I also thought that Mt. Nibel looked pretty...before Cloud wanted to go and check on the old reactor when Sephiroth went wacko, because obviously that wouldn't be totally creeptacular. And don't even get me started on Gaea Cliff. It's not even a real mountain, and it still sucked royally because it was goddamn minus fifty degrees and I was wearing freakin' short shorts.

It wouldn't have been so bad if Tifa had let me skin Red and use him as a fur coat like I wanted.

Still, comparatively, the mountains in the Wutai area were pretty tame. There were no mako reactors, they weren't too high...Plus my ass wouldn't fall off and shatter into a thousand undeniably sexy pieces because of frostbite. In fact, if it weren't for the fact that I was pretty much defenceless, it would've been a nice relaxing hike. No problem for a master ninja of my awesomeness.

It was a huge problem.

Firstly, because it was Spring in the Wutai region. Now, for all you guys who don't know, Springtime is when the evil, bloodthirsty monsters in the Wutai region start getting frisky with each other.

Yeah.

You don't know the meaning of the word 'oopsie' until you step on a pair of Mandragora that were just starting to get it on.

Secondly, when monsters aren't making babies with each other, they're out hunting for munchies to give their new mate. And if I don't look completely delicious, then Tifa's an A cup. Especially with no armour, weapons or materia.

With both of those problems, it's hard for even an awesome master ninja to stay out of trouble for long. I managed nine hours.

I'd been on the go all day after fleeing Wutai in the 'wee hours of the morning', as Cait Sith would have said. Come to think of it, Cait Sith was...weird. If Reeve was controlling him the whole time, why didn't he sound anything like Reeve? And what was the deal with Reeve still using that thing? I think he has a doll fetish, or something.

Just a heads-up for all you creepy, possessed dolls out there. Y'hear that, Chucky? Reeve's coming for ya with a bottle of baby oil. And he means business.

Anyway, back on topic. I was pretty much KO'd from exhaustion, I hadn't had breakfast, I hadn't had water, and I hate to provide you with too much information here but I was pretty desperate to visit the ladies' room. All this provides a wonderful excuse for me to explain my carelessness, and damn if I'm not taking it.

It was my natural curiosity that did it. As I was expertly navigating one of the more narrow ledges I needed to pass to get to the sea, I looked down. Now, Great Ninja Yuffie is not afraid of heights. In fact, they don't even bother me. Unless I'm tied upside down to a mountain. Or unless I'm on an airship.

By the way. If you were ever just walkin' along, minding your own business, and then a shower of vomit fell out of the sky and hit you, it was me. Or, rather, my breakfast. Sorry about that.

Anyway. I looked down, and I saw something weird in an alcove below. Firstly, it was wriggling. And secondly, it was the most demonic shade of pink I have ever seen. It reminded me of something, but I couldn't figure out what. So, being the brave ninja that I am, I just peeked out over the edge a little more, to get a better look.

Y'know, considering that mountains are so big and all, you really expect them to be a little more freaking sturdy. I mean, who built the damn things? If I ever find out, I'm suing for shoddy workmanship. No win, no fee, bitch.

It's shameful to admit it, but I really didn't realise what was happening at first. One moment I was scoping out some weird wriggly pink stuff, and the next I was gracefully sliding down the mountain with a shower of rocks in swift pursuit.

In the end, I hit the alcove I had been looking at all along. So, Yuffie one, mountain nil. Then the rocks caught up with me. That brought it to a draw. In fact, it was advantage mountain. The rocks had landed in a perfectly choreographed pile, at the centre of which was my leg.

And then I realised what the pink stuff was.

Tail Vaults are ridiculous little things. They're lizards, except they have weird sail things on their backs. And they're pink. Neon pink. Except for their sail thingies, which are neon turquoise. They like to attack by jumping at you, grabbing onto your chest and then biting your face with razor sharp fangs. (The attack doesn't work on Tifa because she has airbags that deflect them.)

And there I was, with my leg stuck in some rocks, on the same ledge as a whole nest of them. (Tail Vaults, not Tifa's breasts. Perverts.)

Now, normally, Tail Vaults are nothing to be afraid of. Especially not dinky little baby ones like the ones I'd got. But, your perspective changes when you've trapped, and you don't have a whirling shuriken of stabby death to back you up.

And then, with all the horrible deliberateness of an actor in a two-bit horror movie, one of them looked at me.

"On desperate ground, I would proclaim to my soldiers the hopelessness of saving their lives."

Great ninja don't think. But thoughts are the greatest ninja of all, sneaking past all of your defences and into your head. And at that moment, I honestly thought that this was it. I was going to be picked off by Tail Vaults, and baby ones at that. I was going to die, cark it, buy the ranch.

I heard from Barret once that, just before you die, your life flashes before your eyes. As some of the baby Tail Vaults detached themselves from the group and started running towards me, I found myself wanting popcorn. But popcorn would have distracted my hands from my desperate (and futile) effort to pull my leg free. I could feel sweat pouring down the back of my legs, down my back, my neck- it must be what it feels like to be Cid. I was screaming curses and insults at the little buggers just like he would have done too.

But, in the end, I didn't see my life flash before my eyes. I heard a sound. Now, as you can probably guess, it was a pretty awesome sound. It had to sum up me, my life and all my awesomeness up in a single moment of sonic bliss. And do you know what sound I heard, as I sat there cursing, about to die, with baby Tail Vaults closing in on me?

"Wark!"

What. The. Frick. That's pretty much the crappiest death sound ever. I would have been embarrassed to die with that as my last earthly memory.

The next sounds I heard- I must've closed my eyes somewhere along the way, but I don't remember when- were much more awesome. And reassuring.

Chck-chck. BOOM.

As soon as the sound reached my ears I felt a faint spray of something sticky hit my face. Some landed on my lips, and it had a definite coppery tang. It wasn't the first time I'd accidentally tasted monster blood. I heard the deafening screech of the other Tail Vaults, but it didn't last long. Chck-chck-boom, chck-chck-boom. It repeated twice, and then all was still. Then, a familiar grunt, and the sound of rock shifting.

I opened my eyes to find my leg free...And my face less than seven inches from that of Vincent Valentine's. I blinked. He blinked. I freaked.

I should probably explain that Vincent is not the worst thing in the world to open your eyes to. He's kinda pale, yeah, and fragile, but he's not bad. I can't stress how much gil I'd give to have his cheekbones. I swear, one day that guy is going to stop moping around and get himself laid, and then it'll give rise to a whole bunch of his undead spawn.

Do you remember when I told you zombies were going to take over the world?

To be honest, I'd never been more happy to see McCape'n'claw in all my life. My first instinct was to give him a big fat hug, but then I noticed that he had a shotgun. Triple barrelled, black and shiny. Yummy. He was still our pet gun-toting nutcase, then.

All through this, he just stood there, seven inches from my face, looking at me like I was an (incredibly sexy, might I say) ghost.

"Yuffie. What are you doing here...?" he asked. Gawd, his voice is like dark chocolate and horse-chestnuts mixed together. All smooth but rough at the same time. I wonder if cough sweets are poisonous to him.

"Well, I was busy being attacked until you came along." I retorted. Looking around, I saw a pile of dead Tail Vaults with their insides on the outside. Eww. I also saw a chocobo, which explained my 'wark' swan song. (It was black, of course. With Captain Emo in the saddle, how could it NOT be?)

"I'm sorry to have interrupted." he said, not getting the joke. Vincent never got the joke.

"So, uh...How did you find me?" I asked, pawing the ground with my foot. Vincent's okay, but Stalker Vince? Not so much.

"You were swearing. Quite loudly." he said, looking away.

Cid? I've just decided that I don't care if Shera has a whip. Your awesome lingual skills saved my ass, and next time I see you, we're going drinkin'.

"Ehehe. Well, I try my best. Anyway, Vinnie," I said, noting the eyebrow twitch when I used his least favourite nickname ever, "Why are you in the Wutai area?"

"I was on my way to Wutai."

Y'know, for a kickass gunman and a former Turk, Vinnie's REALLY dumb sometimes.

"Really. And why were you on your way to Wutai? Were you going to drop in on me for tea dna ninja crumpets?" I asked with mock suspicion.

"Yuffie, I would never dream of putting anything you had cooked into my mouth." he grimaced. Actually, was he grimacing, or smiling? Hard to tell sometimes.

"Vincent, did you just...like...make a joke?"

"Hn."

Really freaking helpful, Vinnie is.

"I was on my way to investigate. For Reeve." he elaborated, after I faked being angry.

He was still in the WRO, huh? That actually took me aback. I'd quit because I didn't particularly do well with the whole 'following orders' junk. I'd expected that Vinnie would have quit because of his people problems.

"Well, Wutai itself is fine." I lied. Actually, I didn't know. How were my people ever going to cope without their awesome White Rose to keep them on track? Stupid thoughts.

"We're looking at the monster populations around here...There's something amiss." he said, clamming up. Stupid professional Vince. Stupid monsters. Stupid mountain.

"What, that they're randy? It's mating season. You sure you're not looking for a bit on the side for Galian Beast?" I teased.

If it were Cloud, or Cid, he would have just spluttered and denied it. However, Cloud and Cid both have senses of humour- maybe people with names beginning with C are born with them. Vincent, however, doesn't, and decided that he wanted to hop on his goddamn emo-bird and ride up the mountain.

"Wait-wait-WAIT! Vinnie, I need help." I said, grabbing his arm as he mounted the birdie. His eyebrow twitched.

"Yuffie, you've never wanted or needed help." he said, with some sort of weird rasp in his voice. I was too busy trying to swallow my pride at the time to notice.

"I don't have any weapons. Or armour. Or materia." I said. He looked at me as if I was insane. "Anyway, I need you to take me to get some...But not at Wutai. Anywhere but Wutai."

More looking at me as if I was insane.

"Look, uh...I'm kind of having an argument with Godo. So, I can't go to Wutai right now." I said. It wasn't actually a full-on lie. That's the trick to being a successful liar: base your lies on the truth.

"And what would I get in return?" he asked. "This may be a ploy to steal MY things, you know."

Well, I was outraged. How could Mr Idiotic, Metal-Clown-Shoes Goth-Wannabe ever suspect ME of trying to steal his-

Oh, wait. Yeah.

"But Vinnie. I wouldn't steal from you. You're my bestest buddy!" I said, moving closer to him. I noticed him trying to shift subtly away.

"I'm not disrupting my mission for free, you know." he said, looking at me with distaste. Oh, really, Vince. Take the moral high ground whilst basically asking to be bribed. Only you could do something that weird.

"Fine, fine. I'll help you with your monster thingy." I huffed. "Now will you help me?"

To my surprise, he slowly nodded. I was going to be riding on an emo-bo with Captain Cape.

Score.

Riding a chocobo is weird, even more so if you're a backseat driver like me. For one, it's bumpy as hell. I swear to gawd, those things will just randomly jump for no reason, just to make things a little less comfortable. For two, it's really fun, and it shouldn't be. It should not be fun to ride along with your bones rattling and a giant idiotic bird between your legs. But it is.

Vincent didn't seem to mind this at all. He seemed absolutely mortified when I wrapped my arms around his chest to stop myself from falling off and breaking my neck, but he didn't react when his stupid birdie decided to stop for a bathroom break. Weirdo.

I guess it could be that I always associate chocobos with the time I was travelling with Vince and everyone to beat Sephiroth. They bring back amusing, and weird, memories.

For example, did you know that if you put five mastered chocobo lures into a weapon, it becomes a potent aphrodisiac for the feathery little things? I still remember Cloud running around with two of them at his tail. Or was it only one chocobo? I don't know. Cloud kinda looks like one, so I get confused.

I also remember the time when Red wanted to try riding one. It didn't go well. The flappy little buzzards get spooked when he's around, so he had to sneak up behind it. It was hilarious, like a cat chasing a pigeon, except bigger. In the end, he got choco-kicked in the jaw and spent the rest of the day regarding it as some philosophical revelation. Good times.

As I was looking back on happy memories, I felt sleep stealing into my skull. Sleep, like thoughts, is also an awesome ninja. Hey- being terrified is pretty exhausting. As I bear-hugged Vincent Valentine and used his ratty old mantle for an oddly comfortable pillow, all seemed alright with the world, even though I had judo-flipped my dad, seen my house burn and almost been killed and eaten. I drifted into a peaceful sleep...

Yeah, right.

Chapter End

A/N: Well, here we are, at the tail end of a second chapter. Thanks for the people who reviewed- I didn't expect such a positive response!

By the way, you may have noticed the use of 'cark it' within this chapter. That's my tribute to another (better) piece of Yuffentine fanfiction, Springtime In Winter.

This chapter wasn't quite so sweary (Yuffie didn't really have much to swear at), but I felt that the acerbic tone of voice worked quite well. I'm going to try and update again soon, so be on the lookout.

EDIT: I accidentally replaced this chapter with Chapter 2 for a while. My bad. I'll send out apologies.