Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended. I'm not getting paid.

Summary: Love is in the air! Or maybe just in the water supply. The inhabitants of Konoha suddenly find themselves overcome by the need to copulate. Chaos ensues. An attempt to subvert everything sacred in the Narutoverse.

Warnings: This chapter? Crack.

A.N.: And thus the story begins. Let the chaos ensue. From here on out, Shisui will be the only questionable addition to the cast. Thank you. Please enjoy.

Tales of Love and Woe

Chapter 1: The Ghost of Christmas Revenge

Uchiha Sasuke lay in bed...well, actually it was more of a cold, hard stone slab rather than a bed but whatever. Anyways he was fully clothed, unfortunately, and holding his katana at the ready, when Uchiha Shisui appeared in the room.

Shisui moaned, "UUUUUUchihaaaaa Saaaasukeeeee…" in an overly dramatic, haunting voice.

Sasuke lay there perfectly still. "Who are you, and why are you in my chamber," he droned.

"I'm your dead cousin Shisui," Shisui said, "I want to help with your revenge."

Sasuke rolled over and swung his sword right through where Shisui's neck would have been had he been solid. When the blade passed right through and Shisui's head didn't fly off, Sasuke sheathed his sword and glared, "Okay. Keep talking."

"You have to go back to Konoha."

"No," Sakuke declared obstinately. "I'm finished with them."

What a pain in the ass, Shisui thought. Oh well, he didn't expect it would be overly easy to get the little brat to do anything except what he wanted, so Shisui decided to entice him with the only thing he seemed passionate about. Power. "No you're not. You have to see the secret-secret scroll." That would get his attention.

"What secret-secret scroll," Sasuke questioned flatly.

There was no secret-secret scroll, but Shisui needed to get him to the Nakano Shrine as quickly as possible and he didn't give a fuck what he had to do to get him there. "The one that's hidden in the Nakano Shrine."

Sasuke rolled his eyes and tapped his sheath. "I saw that already."

Shit. Think fast. "No, I mean the other one."

Sasuke didn't look like he believed him. "There's another one."

"Yes," Shisui asserted.

"Where?"

"I have to show you."

"You're full of shit. Fuck off."

"I swear it's a really good one! You just have to go there because I can only appear to you because you are the avatar of my revenge, so you have to go there for me to show you. Why would I lie? You should be thanking me! I'm trying to help you!" Shisui decided to pull back a bit and see if the prey was taking the bait. He feigned fatigue and moaned, "Oh…! I'm getting weaker…ugh…!"

"So if I go there, you'll be there and you'll show me where this secret-secret scroll is?"

Sweet. It was working somehow. "Yes…ugh…so weak…"

"Fine. I'll go. But it better be worth it."

"Oh…it wiiill be," Shisui moaned, disappearing into the shadows, "It wiiiiiill be…"

Sasuke didn't have anything in the world that couldn't be carried on his back, so he walked out of Orochimaru's compound and made a beeline towards Konoha.

Shisui, in the meantime, had to make an appearance of sorts at Naruto's apartment…

(Continued…)

Next time: Sasuke Back