"Mummy, I want to go swimming," Charlotte announces as Esti clears away the breakfast dishes. She already has her swimming costume on, though she has somehow managed to stuff her head through one of the arm holes and put the entire thing on backwards.
Esti chuckles softly at the sight of Charlotte's flushed cheeks as she flops her arms around in her pink and yellow suit. She puts the syrupy pancake plates into the sink and helps her daughter fix her swimming costume. "Alright." She smoothes Charlotte's hair and kisses her forehead. "Sounds like a lovely plan. Will you gather your pool toys while I go change?"
Charlotte happily obliges, and Esti steps into the bedroom, unearthing her swimwear from the bottom draw of her bureau. There's her full body swimming costume, complete with a polyester swim skirt. She also has a modest one piece with a matronly floral print. And then there's her scarlet bikini.
She hadn't meant to buy the bikini. It had happened after much solicitation from Tanya, who teaches nursery with her and often insists on taking Esti on frivolous outings. They had visited the shops last week while Tanya's younger sister watched their children.
"You must try it on!" Tanya had insisted when she noticed Esti looking at a red bikini with gold edging for a moment too long. And in typical Tanya fashion, the innocent, earnest try it on, had quickly escalated to, "You must get it, Esther! You absolutely must. I will never forgive you if you don't; it's much too gorgeous a color on you. God, I wish my body still looked that good."
Esti had stood awkwardly near the changing curtain, resisting the urge to grab it and wrap it around her exposed body. She had never bothered to tell Tanya about her past, knowing all too well that it would have quickly become the most interesting thing about her. There are often moments with Tanya when she feels she can't find the words to properly express herself without delving into her messy history. There never seems to be a place for her where she can be unabashedly herself, vulnerabilities and all.
The scarlet suit still has the tags, and Esti is careful not to tear them off as she steps into the scant material with minor trepidation. Her body is still trim and fit (single motherhood is the apparently the workout of a lifetime), and she tries to look at her reflection as though she is admiring a woman who is not herself.
"Mummy! You got a new swimming costume!" Charlotte exclaims as she rushes into the room with her bag of toys dragging noisily behind her, leaving Esti no time to further consider her attire. "It's so, so pretty. Look! You forgot to take off the tag. Silly Mummy!"
And with one fierce tug, her hands still sticky with syrup, Charlotte rips the tags free.
XXX
The day is muggy and overcast, so the crowd at the pool is scarce. Even so, Esti can never quite shake the feeling that people are watching her, that at any given moment an angry man will appear from the fringes of a crowd and demand she cover her body better or that she is behaving socially unacceptably and how dare she disgrace her entire family and community this way.
She quietly situates Charlotte by the wading pool and slips out of her gauzy dress, trying to pretend as though her skin isn't burning. She has just pulled up a chair to the water's edge when her mobile rings. She nearly ignores it, because only Tanya calls her on her days off, and Tanya requires a certain, chipper mood that Esti is not always able to muster, but then she glances at her phone and startles sightly.
Ronit.
"Is everything okay?" She answers the phone quickly before it defaults to voicemail. She's already done the calculations in her head and it's only a quarter past four in the morning in New York so why would she be calling unless something tragic has happened, chas v'sholom.
"Hello to you, too, Esti. No one has died, and I still have all ten fingers and toes," Ronit's voice melts through the phone line and Esti can feel relief spread through her entire body.
"Sorry," Esti offers. "I've been trying desperately not to be an alarmist, though obviously my efforts are futile."
Ronit chuckles, and Esti can hear a faint rustling and Ronit's gentle breathing as she readjusts herself. She tries to imagine Ronit in bed she's never seen, in a city she's never visited, but there is something calm and familiar about picturing Ronit's smile or the way she absentmindedly tangles her fingers through her hair that makes Esti feel instantly less alone.
"Why are you calling then?" Esti urges when Ronit doesn't offer.
"Oh, you know, can't sleep and all that nonsense," Ronit begins casually, but then the tone of her voice dips. "You know you're still the person I think most about during these long, late nights."
Esti blushes hard. She's sure Ronit must feel the heat through her own mobile.
"I was actually thinking of our late night conversation from last week. Thought I ought to return the favor. Though there's no alcohol involved this time, I'm afraid," Ronit says wryly.
"You cannot take anything I said even remotely seriously!" Esti protests, only vaguely remembering her blathering after drinking nearly an entire bottle of wine that Tanya had gifted her. She can't even quite remember her motivations for drinking, only that with Charlotte sleeping soundly and the quietness of the flat seeping in around her, the bottle had seemed a lovely companion for the evening.
"On the contrary," Ronit muses, "it has been said that drunk words are often the most honest of all. And you, my dear, were very, very honest."
"What did I say?" Esti asks frantically, her voice too loud. Charlotte looks up from her pail of water to study Esti's panicked face. "I honestly can hardly remember a word I said, so I can assure you than you can't take it at all seriously."
"Esti, Esti," Ronit soothes, and her stomach flutters slightly, just as it does every time Ronit says her name. "I'd much rather discuss this all in person, and I'm quite sure after speaking to you last week that you would too. That's why I've booked a flight for next weekend. And before you protest," Ronit adds so quickly that Esti cannot even sputter a word, "and begin your lengthy monologue about needing the time and space to discover who you are, it's just a visit. I'm not asking you to put your life on hold or make any dire decisions. I just want to see you. I miss you." Her voice catches softly on the last phrase, and Esti finds herself clinging desperately to the phone.
She opens her mouth to answer, but Charlotte has begun thrashing the surface of the water violently with her plastic shovel. "Charlotte, darling," she hisses. "What did we say about splashing? Gentle scoops, remember?"
"Sorry, I'm interrupting something, aren't I?" Ronit speaks with sudden meekness. "I'd completely forgotten that you aren't a muddled insomniac mucking about in the wee hours of the morning. I hope I'm not calling at an inconvenient time."
"No, no, not at all," Esti assures her. She is certain her voice sounds a bit off, as she still has yet to process that Ronit will be arriving here in less than a week. "I've just taken Charlotte swimming."
"Ah, and do pray tell, what does your swimming costume look like?" The flirtatious remark catches Esti off guard and her mobile nearly tumbles from her hand into the water. Their ability to banter in the midst of lofty topics is a coping mechanism they've developed over the years. "Hopefully something scandalous." Here Esti needs to stand up to properly inhale. "Remember that little red number I convinced you try on when we snuck off to shops when were thirteen?"
Of course she remembers. The memory has been looping in her mind on repeat ever since she put the bikini on this morning. She can clearly remember the rubbery scent of bus exhaust stinging her nose as Ronit coaxed her to board, her mind buzzing with an intoxicating mixture of thrill and anxiety.
"Are you sure Hinda will cover for us?" Esti worried as Ronit led her confidently to back of the bus. Ronit was always enamored with adventure. Esti was only enamored with Ronit.
"Well, fuck her if she doesn't," Ronit spoke frivolously. "She won't get those illicit Mars bars she's been craving if she does."
As they stepped off the bus, Esti kept turning to make sure they hadn't been followed, that one of the rabbis wasn't waiting around every corner just to scold them.
"Esti, I assure you if we see anyone we know here, they'll be in just as much trouble as we are," Ronit had promised her, her lips tickling against Esti's ear, and the delicious tingle it sent down her spine suddenly seemed well worth the wrath of any community elder.
The vibrant colors and din of the city were slightly nauseating at first, but Ronit's sense of adventure was contagious and Esti managed to let her nerves relent. Her sense of anticipation only began to surface again as Ronit started to rummage through swimming costumes, insisting they each try one on.
"It's not frum," Esti feebly protested as Ronit nudged bikini as bright a siren in her direction.
"It's not like we're going to buy them," Ronit retorted, choosing a beaded turquoise bikini for herself. "Besides, we won't let anyone else see. I promise we'll keep your modesty in tact for the time being."
She grabbed Esti's hand in her own and shuffled her behind the changing curtain. "I'll be in the one next to you."
Ronit left her suddenly with the red swimming costume burning in her hands. It seemed impossible that these meager scraps of fabric could properly cover her, but Esti managed to adjust it properly over her slender form. She faced away from the mirror, terrified of the reflection that would greet her.
"You ready?" Ronit's muffled voice traveled into her changing room.
"No," Esti squeaked pitifully.
"Are you not mentally prepared, or are you still physically indecent?" Ronit spoke to clarify, but she didn't wait for a reply before pushing back the curtain and joining Esti in her changing room. "Oh my..." Her voice had suddenly changed as she looked at Esti with an unfamiliar glint in her eyes.
Esti's uneasiness had dissipated suddenly upon drinking in the sight of Ronit. The swell of her newly developed breasts pressed against the turquoise fabric, and her legs looked especially long and lustrous. She found her mouth was suddenly too dry to speak.
"You look gorgeous, Est," Ronit took a step toward her. "And I really, really mean that. Red is certainly your color."
And suddenly Esti could not bear it. A strange desire bubbled inside of her, and she had an uncontrollable urge to feel Ronit's bare skin against her own. She reached out suddenly to embrace her friend fully, reveling in the the soft skin of their bellies pressed together. She let out a small, shuddering breath as her nose rested against Ronit's neck.
"Is everything okay?" Ronit muttered against her hair, though she made no effort to pull away.
Esti felt her cheeks flush, but she kept her body against Ronit's, even if just only for a moment longer. "Thank you for making me feel beautiful."
"I'm wearing my frum swimming costume," Esti lies suddenly, all at once dizzy and panicked.
Ronit lets out small sigh, just barely audible through the phone line. "What a shame."