A/N: I am not sure I am satisfied with this but I don't know what else to do with it. Knowing my muse, I may bubble over with more but I am throwing caution to the wind and posting this sucker. I hope you like it even if its only a little bit.
Reese calls Carter because he needs her.
A Crack in the Dam
It had been quiet… too quiet. Several days had gone by and no new number. Reese wondered if the machine was broken and posed the question to Finch.
"Is your machine busted Finch?"
"Of course not Mr. Reese" Finch said in an appalled voice. "Maybe you should use this time to do whatever you do to unwind."
Reese wanted to keep busy not unwind… he needed to keep busy.
Ever since that day he and Carter talked in the park, he had been haunted by Carter's words…
Day by day it will get better if you let it… You have to let your guilt go John… You have to let yourself heal... Jessica would want that and you deserve it… You're not that man anymore John… that's something you need to accept.
He refused to accept that he deserved any good in this life but Carter's voice refused to be silent.
And times like these, when it was quiet, too quiet, her scent, her image, her voice, her words assaulted him mercilessly …
Day by day it will get better if you let it… You have to let your guilt go John… You have to let yourself heal... Jessica would want that and you deserve it… You're not that man anymore John… that's something you need to accept.
"Leave Me ALONE!" Reese would shout at Carter's words but damn it all they refused to listen.
Day by day it will get better if you let it… You have to let your guilt go John… You have to let yourself heal... Jessica would want that and you deserve it… You're not that man anymore John… that's something you need to accept.
Day by day, his resolve was weakening… and on those quiet days, her words hit his resolve like a sledgehammer.
Day by day it will get better if you let it… You have to let your guilt go John… You have to let yourself heal... Jessica would want that and you deserve it… You're not that man anymore John… that's something you need to accept.
He was tired of fighting her words but he was too afraid to surrender to them.
Call if you need me
Her words were soft and quiet.
Call if you need me
Her words reached out to him… all he had to do was reach out to her.
Call if you need me
He needed her, needed her now.
Call if you need me
…
…
…
Call if you need me
His eyes saw her face… his ears heard her voice… his nose smelled her scent.
Call if you need me
…
…
…
"Carter"
Her voice was so comforting to him in that moment… she had been his protector and now she was his haven, his refuge… she was the thing he was undeserving of…
You deserve it… You're not that man anymore John…
"Detective" he said wearily.
Carter heard the weariness in his voice and knew immediately that this was one of those calls.
"Everything OK?" she asked in a tender voice.
"I need to talk."
"OK. Do you want to meet at Lyric's?"
"Can you come to my place?" Carter heard a pleading in his voice and became a bit unsettled.
"John, are you sure you're OK?" she asked again.
"Don't worry Detective" Reese tried to inject some humor." I'm not about to put a bullet in my head."
Carter was not amused.
"Don't do that John" Carter admonished him.
She was worried, worried about him. When she worried over him, it always touched Reese in a place he thought long dead.
"I'm sorry" he regretted causing her unnecessary distress. ""I'm just tired" he admitted.
Carter kept him on the phone as she gathered her things and left the precinct. They talked about this, that and everything that was not important until Reese heard a knock.
"Hold on" he said. "Someone's at the door."
Reese opened the door...
"John" Carter said pleasantly when Reese opened the door.
"I knew it was you" he said as he stepped aside to let her in.
"Sure you did" Carter said, knowing he was telling the truth.
Carter looked around his place noting that it was still more empty than full… but then again, she really was not expecting anything different.
"Want something to drink?" Reese asked as Carter walked over to the windows.
"I'm good" Carter returned over her shoulder.
After a few moments of looking out the window Carter turned to find Reese staring at her.
"So what's on your mind?" she asked as she headed for the couch.
Reese moved toward the couch also and when they were both seated he tried to start…
"I'm not sure where to begin" he said honestly.
Carter had begun to learn when to push Reese and when to wait on him… this was a time to wait on him.
…
…
…
"I ah…" he started as he ran 2 fingers of one hand along the side of the index finger of the other hand. "I've been thinking about what you said before… about… letting go of the guilt… over Jessica" he choked out.
He was so close, so very close but still he was too terrified to surrender the battle…
"All the things I've done…" his voice cracked with overwhelming emotion. "I walked away from her" he cried. "She's dead because of me."
"She's not dead because of you" Carter said firmly but compassionately.
Carter refused to let him blame himself and that made Reese angry. He needed her to agree with him not oppose him. If she knew all the things he had done, she would look at him differently his head told him. He would lose her trust… he would lose her protection… he would lose her comfort… he would lose her.
"You don't know all the things I've done" he said bitterly. "If you did…"
"Then tell me" Carter interrupted. "Tell me John" she challenged.
Reese was stopped cold. How could he tell her those things? How could he open that part of himself to her? How?
Because he knew he could trust her…
Reese knew he could trust Carter. The moment she let him escape Snow's clutches… the moment she saved him from the FBI's grip, he had a knowing that he could trust Carter, that he could be vulnerable with her if only he would.
He could trust her with his very soul…
It was not his head that gave his mouth permission open… it was his heart, his soul… they trusted her with his heart, with his soul, with his very being, with his very life.
Reese talked slow as he told Carter of the things he had done. His voice was filled with shame and self deprecation as he gave her details, gruesome details and left no killing, no atrocity unturned.
"Why should someone like me deserve to live, let alone have some good in this life?" he asked softly, afraid to look at Carter.
Surely she will despise you now his head screamed.
Carter knew she had to keep it together for Reese's sake. She waited until she got her emotions under control before she spoke.
"John" she finally said.
Her voice was soft… it was gentle… it was kind.
"Look at me" she said quietly.
Reese squeezed his eyes tight and gritted his teeth. The shame he felt would not let him hear the tenderness in her voice.
…
…
…
"John" she said again. "Look at me."
Reese slowly opened his eyes and stared at his hands as he began to rub his index finger again. He was preparing himself for what he would see in her eyes… distain, disgust, distrust.
"John" she called to him again.
Reese closed his eyes once more then slowly opened them.
Slowly he turned to her and Carter nearly drowned in his unshed tears. She saw his pain, his regret, his self hate… and she longed to wipe them all away.
"You aren't that man anymore" she said steadfastly.
Her eyes… a tear slipped over his eyelid and down his cheek as Reese looked into her eyes.
They were full of sorrow, sorrow for him…
They were full of kindness, kindness for him…
They were full of respect, respect for him…
They were full of trust, trust in him…
They were full of love, some kind of love for him…
Another tear escaped and slid down his cheek. She was still his protector, still his haven, still his refuge.
Carter reached over and took his hand as Reese shed silent tears. During the silence, Carter struggled with whether or not it was time to give Reese the photo. Would it push him back or would it pull him forward. In an instance, she made her choice.
"I have something for you" she said as she rubbed her thumb across the back if his hand. "I found this in Jessica's belongings when I went to New Rochelle" Carter pulled the photo out of her pocket and handed it to Reese.
Still gripping Carter's hand, Reese took the photo with his free hand. Looking at Jessica, looking at the 2 of them, smiling and happy, Reese ran his thumb over Jessica's image.
"She was beautiful" he said quietly.
"Yes she was" Carter agreed. "And she would want you to live again."
Reese knew that was true but he was still holding back.
As if she read his mind, Carter spoke. "Forgive yourself John. That's the first step and I'm here to take it with you."
"I don't deserve this" he said, gazing at Jessica's image. "I don't deserve you" he looked up at Carter.
"Well you got me" she said resolutely and smiled.
"How can you look at me the same after what I just told you?" he asked bewildered.
Carter's heart broke for the despair she saw in Reese's eyes.
"Because" Carter began as she searched for words. "Because I see what you can't see. I see what you have become, what you may have always been… I see a man who's willing to die to protect others. I see a man who is honorable. I see a man who keeps his promises" she smiled. "I see a good, kind, caring man who is willing to do whatever it takes to help someone in need. That's who you are John."
Carter could see the struggle Reese was having but she could also see the crack in the dam.
"I'll never be able to pay you back…" Reese began.
"You're money's no good here" Carter interrupted Reese in a teasing tone.
His eyes still filled with tears, Reese knew he could never express how much she meant to him and how grateful he was to have her in his life.
Reading his eyes perfectly, Carter responded. "You don't have to say anything. I'm here for you. You're here for me. We are here for each other… that's what friends are for."
Reese smiled as he squeezed Carter's hand. He knew he was not out of the woods yet but he was thankful for the friend who would take each step with him.
The night she was shot, he promised her she was not alone… today she promised him he was not alone either.