A simple touch. Two fingertips meeting two fingertips. Jim can never comprehend the depth of meaning it has to me. Humans kiss and make love to feel close, and I do these things for Jim because he needs them, but what I need is so much less. And so much more. What I need is the kind of contact and closeness that is so necessary to my people. Two fingers to two fingers, and a bond with which all inner feelings surge. Parted from me, and never parted... never and always touching and touched.
I could never ask Jim to bond with me. It is in his nature to shy away from commitment, and there is no commitment greater than being the bondmate to a Vulcan. Besides, I am certain that Jim would grow tiresome of me eventually. I know it irritates the crew that I hide my emotions so. It even irritated my father. He constantly had to remind me that Vulcans control their feelings, they don't pretend to have none. But if I don't pretend, I can't control them. They are too strong, and every Vulcan is looking at me and judging me twice as harshly as they judge each other. If I slip up once, and have an outburst once, I will never be respected amongst my people.
My father thought I joined Starfleet just to disobey him and not to follow in his footsteps. In truth, I joined Starfleet, because I thought that Humans wouldn't be as judgmental and condescending as Vulcans are. I'd heard, and seen, that they were warm and, though emotional, they were kind and accepting. I couldn't tell my father that I joined Starfleet to escape, that I joined Starfleet because I'd never felt at home on that planet, that I wanted to be around people like my mother and not like him.
I was wrong about humans. They are equally, if not more so, judgmental. My mother wasn't, but they are. Humans are not nearly as condescending as Vulcans, but they judge me constantly. And any time it seems like I have a slight emotion, they point it out and they laugh at me. Jim and McCoy only laugh in a friendly manner- trying to laugh with me, though I do not laugh- but the others, they laugh at me. Sometimes, I feel more alone on the enterprise, than at home.
Of course, Jim makes me feel included. Jim loves me, though I do not understand why, and Jim is my raison d'etre. But when Jim realizes how insensitive I am towards his feelings, he will leave, and I will be left utterly alone. I will have nothing to call my own, except my sadness, because no one will know of it, but me.
~*~