Family Meetings: Chapter 2
by Creedog VanDrey
Category: Arrested Development
Genre: Humor
Rating: T
Language: English
Summary: Michael interviews for a job.
A/N: This takes place after the series finale, so it spoils most of the events that occur then.
Job Applications
This is the story of a wealthy family lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together. It's Arrested Development.
Michael Bluth is preparing for a job interview with Stan Sitwell.
Michael is in the kitchen of the model home, tying his tie, while Lindsay, in her bathrobe and pajamas, hands him a plate of scrambled eggs and toast. "You know," she suggests, "I could put in a good word for you with Dad Two."
Michael frowns, "You know, Lindsay, I still find it weird that you call him that. I doubt Dad would approve."
"Well, Dad One's not here, is he?"
Michael replies, "It's not like he escaped."
He did sort of escape.
"Well, he did sort of escape. Look, he's just taking a little bit of a retirement vacation. The man needs a little relaxation."
Meanwhile in Ensenada, Mexico: George, Sr. is running away from several vicious dogs. He is cornered in a dark alleyway when, two stories above, a drug cartel war erupts and a kitsch Buddha statuette is knocked out the window to the ground below, shattering and releasing a cloud of white dust around the dogs, who immediately become more docile. George, Sr. immediately picks up the pieces of the statuette and thanks them.
Back at the model home, Lindsay sidles up to Michael, and purrs softly, "Remember, you've only got four more days to make me an honest woman or I sell my shares to Sitwell."
Lindsay, after finding she would very soon be turning forty years, was desperate to remarry and had focused her energies on the nearest man who was both successful and handsome: her adoptive brother, Michael.
"It would take more than a marriage to do that," Michael quips before explaining firmly, "Plus, Mom sold her shares when she sold the company. We are no longer the majority stockholders. And that's assuming Sitwell doesn't dissolve the Bluth Company."
Stan Sitwell, the owner of the Bluth Company's rival, had purchased the company from Lucille.
Michael continues, "The only reason I'm still imploring you not to sell is so that you have enough money to support yourself and your daughter."
"Whatever, I'm going shopping." Lindsay throws her purse over her shoulder and echoes, "Four days."
Michael calls after her, "Yes, I recall you telling me the same thing this morning when I woke up in bed with you." Scoffing, Michael turns back to the table, where his son, his niece, and his younger brother are all seated for breakfast, now staring at him with their mouths hanging open.
"She was playing a practical joke on me," Michael lamely explains, "You know what a joker she is." He takes a sip of coffee and walks into the kitchen for no reason.
"You know," Buster comments, "I wish she wouldn't abandon me in the middle of the night. Sometimes I have nightmares and I don't like not knowing where my mother figure is. Is you two sharing a bed going to become a regular thing?" Buster punctuated the thought with an intertwined fingers gesture that made Michael uncomfortable.
"No," he answers quickly, before kneeling down and whispering, "Until the end of the week, and by then she'll have a permanent place, okay?" He stands up straight and with forced brightness, asks, "So, what are you two kids up to today?"
George Michael finishes his orange juice and says he is going to work at the banana stand.
"That's my industrious boy."
"Well, I figured someone in this house should have a job," he answers, fully incapable of maintaining a neutral tone or straight face.
Michael glares at his son for a moment, which George Michael returns with his normal frightened grimace, which morphs into an uncomfortable smile. Michael smiles back and musses his son's hair, "You're such a teaser. I don't know how you put up with him, Maeby."
Maeby almost chokes on her toast, but recovers quickly, announcing, "I have summer school today."
"I didn't know you were in summer school. Your mom didn't say anything about it."
Maeby flatly asks, "When's the last time my mother brought me up in conversation?"
Shrugging and taking another sip of coffee, Michael parries, "Point."
"You don't want me to repeat the ninth grade, do you?"
"That's why you went to summer school last summer."
Maeby had not attended summer school then either.
Michael continues, "Shouldn't you be fulfilling the requirements for tenth grade so you can be in the same grade as George Michael?"
After a pause, Maeby declares, "It's those darn hippie schools my mom sent me to. Because of all their inconsistent lessons, I have to take classes from half a dozen different grades. I think on the docket today is advanced algebra, European history, and coloring within the lines. Well, look at the time," she points to her bare wrist, "if I don't leave soon, I'm gonna be late."
Michael looks at the clock in the kitchen, which reads 9:37, but when he turns back both his son and niece were gone.
Maeby, of course, was not heading to summer school today, but to Tantamount Studios, where she was involved with the scripting of a movie based on her life.
Maeby, sitting in a writing room with a dozen writers, directors, and producers, exclaims, "Look, you're wasting your time spending twenty minutes in Boston. I'm telling you; all the good stuff happens in California. Quit worrying about the plot. I'm a very interesting person. You want to do this right; you got to focus on character." She looked around, "Where's Jeff with my Snapple?"
She strides around and is handled a headshot. Disgusted, she snaps, "Has this chick had a meal in her life? No, you want to play me, you gotta have boobs." She tosses the headshot onto the table, and without missing a beat adds, "Don't look at 'em. I'm 16."
Her cell phone rings and she answers it. "What do you mean we can't get him? This role was made for him. It's the kid's on shtick. Geez, you do one Judd Apacow film and suddenly you're Tom Jane." She hung up and said to her coworkers, "Okay, guys, we've got a holdout for the romantic interest. Don't worry; he'll fold if I have to bleep him myself." Maeby looks at her bare wrist again and declares, "Well, you've got seven more minutes with me before we start violating child labor laws. So what's the 411 on renting the Queen Mary?"
Meanwhile, at Sitwell Enterprises, Michael's interview was going well.
Stan Sitwell tells Michael, "We'd love to have you. I was interviewing some of the employees that we inherited in the Bluth acquisition, and I was really surprised that no one really stuck out to take the reins of that new division. In fact, it appears as if the Bluth Company was able to maintain a fine-tuned level of mediocrity in its hiring."
George, Sr., in an effort to keep the family business in the family, dedicated all leadership-developing efforts to his son Michael, and filled the rest of the company with individuals with minimal talent as not to usurp his son. The lack of competent subordinates also permitted him and his family to steal company funds with complete impunity.
"You know, Michael," Stan continues, "I feel a real connection here." Stan is wearing a wig that exactly mimics Michael's hairstyle.
"Well, thank you, Stan, I've always admired…"
Stan cut Michael off, "Please, Michael, you've got the job. No need to brown-hair me."
There is a knock at the conference room door and before Stan can answer it, Lindsay walks in, followed by a very insistent and harried receptionist trying to prevent Lindsay from interrupting.
"Nellie," Stan greets her, before correcting himself, "Lindsay. My apologies."
"Hi, Dad Two. Michael, fancy meeting you here!"
"I told you where I was going," Michael mutters.
"I told you he was meeting with Michael Bluth," the receptionist mutters at the same time, only to have Lindsay wave her away. "I'm so sorry, sir," she apologizes to Stan.
Stan waves her off, "No need, Basenji. I'll handle this. Lindsay, what can I do for you?"
"I was hoping to give a letter of recommendation for Michael."
Michael points out, "Lindsay, I've already…"
Stan stops him, "Michael, it's all right. I doubt she'll unwin you the job."
"Don't tempt fate," Michael comments.
Stan politely asks Lindsay to take a seat anywhere. She chooses to sit in Michael's lap with an arm around his shoulders. "My parents may have been corrupt businesspeople, but Michael was not. Michael worked his stellar ass off for the Bluth Company."
Michael points out, "Lindsay, don't want to cut you off, but this is not a letter of recommendation."
"Well," Lindsay remarks with a patronizing tone, "It's not my fault no one is writing this down."
"Go on, Lindsay," Stan pleads.
"He graduated college," Lindsay remarks with awe, and adds for emphasis, "Graduated. He's so smart. He knows everything about the business." Michael actually smiles at the sincere compliments. Lindsay continues, "And he knows how to keep people working. He is a slave driver. Long hours. Saturday meetings. He can keep people under his thumb."
"Okay, Linds," Michael cuts off his sister, patting her on the leg, "I think you've helped enough today." Despite the hint, Lindsay remains relaxed in his lap.
"It's alright, Michael," Stan mentions, "we're quite aware of your deficiencies in building morale."
"Stan, I assure you," Michael replies, "I'm a fun guy. I know how to keep my folks motivated."
"All the same, Michael," Stan remarks charitably, "we will be creating a position within your division to brainstorm and implement various employee morale programs."
"Great idea, Dad Two," Lindsay comments, "I used to fill in as Michael's administrative assistant."
"For one day," Michael points out, "And you…"
"Oh, Michael," Lindsay jumps in, "No need to laud my accomplishments. I'm not the one interviewing for a job. Anyway, I took a role not unlike what you just described. I delegated responsibility; I relieved that feeling of pressure in the employees; I even installed new lighting and offered to take people out to lunch…"
Stan surveys Lindsay for a moment, "Lindsay, as long as you're here, would you like to interview for the position?"
Michael looks stunned. Lindsay looks honored, "Well, I could use the money. That's kind of why I came down here."
"I thought you came here to give a testimony of recommendation," points out Michael.
Playing with Michael's hair, she explains, "Well, it's just I maxed out my Visa and the only people who would ever give me money are sitting in this room."
"Michael," Stan states, "it sounds like Lindsay would like to interview for the position. I'm on a tight schedule and I do have a few minutes left in our interview time. So, unless there is anything you'd like to say about your sister, we'd like to get started."
"There is something I'd like to say," remarks Michael darkly, as Lindsay twists to face him, her face wracked with fear.
Michael faced a dilemma: expose his sister's flaws and cost her the job, or help her get the job that would allow her to support herself. Michael knew that the Bluth always put one thing first. So Michael did.
"I think she'd be great at the job."
That thing was greed.
Michael continues, staring at his sister, "Lindsay is a people person. She substituted for my secretary for a little while, and within moments of starting, she had half a dozen ideas for improving morale." He finally notes to Stan, "I think she's the perfect fit."
Michael pats Lindsay's waist, who finally hops off. With a hug and a kiss to the cheek, Lindsay thanks Michael and takes a seat at the table.
"Well," Michael noted optimistically as he leaves the room, "at least one of my siblings is working."
Lindsay wasn't the only one of Michael's siblings that was working. GOB was currently performing a magic show for the U.S. Army, which the government gave him when they were unable to have him reinstated in the Magician's Alliance.
Screaming over the blaring riffs of "The Final Coutndown," GOB proclaims, "I will now, for your enjoyment, reenact the brave exploits of the 300 soldiers which breached the Trojan Wall." Standing on an assembled stage on the beach, he gestures dramatically as a curtain falls, revealing a cement block wall. At the same time, his wrists fire out condoms, which spray the crowd of soldiers, who eagerly grab them. They're all printed with the message, "For the protection of your little soldiers."
Steve Holt brings out a seven-foot-tall wooden horse. GOB gets behind it and starts to push it toward the wall, eventually reaching a running pace, when he jumps in through the horse's behind, which seconds later smashes into the wall without any spectacle than a small chip of wood from the horse's muzzle landing on the stage.
A muffled "Dammit!" is heard from beneath the stage. Steve Holt pushes a button on a remote control, and the horse explodes spectacularly with a series of whistling red, white, and blue fireworks. The entire crowd immediately drops to the ground. Officers start barking orders and many of the soldiers pull out concealed weapons, which they start shooting at the cement wall.
GOB forgot to factor in the effects of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder when planning his show.
Underneath the stage, GOB notes to himself, "Hmm, maybe I should leave out the 'Nazis bomb Pearl Harbor' illusion I was planning for the Navy veterans."
Michael would have also objected to GOB sinking another yacht.
Back at the model home, Michael and Lindsay were celebrating the jobs they'd just acquired.
Michael pours Lindsay and himself glasses of champagne. "I have to tell you, Lindsay," he toasts, "this is an exciting day for me: my sister, earning a job. One day, when Maeby gets a full time job, you'll know how I feel."
Maeby of course already had a full-time job. Though, due to her age, the studio had forced her to start taking tutoring sessions.
Maeby plops down a stack of papers on George Michael's desk. George Michael, leafing through it, asks, "Is this homework?"
"Yeah, Tantamount put me back into school, and all my readers know what the curriculum looks like. I think you know what I want."
"Maeby, I don't think I should be doing your homework. It's not right, even if you pay me."
Maeby puts her hand on George Michael's shoulder, "I don't know where this confidence in coming from, but I think it's time to pull out the ol' baseball chart. I think I know what you want." George Michael freezes at this request. "Go on," Maeby encourages. George Michael slowly reaches in between some books on his desk and pulls out a square diagram of a baseball field which is covered in pen marks and highlighter streaks. Maeby snatches it and looks at it pensively, holding a pen that she'd plucked from George Michael's hand. "It looks like we've exhausted everything in right field. We don't have the necessary equipment for that, that, or that," she remarks, tabbing the diagram in three spots. "You fainted last time we tried something out of left field, so… I think it's about time for you make it past the shortstop on a pop fly." George Michael's eyes become wide as saucers and he appears about ready to fall out of his chair. "Game starts at eleven," Maeby notes, winking.
Downstairs, Michael was facing his own third base problem.
Michael is sitting in the loveseat with Lindsay in his lap. On the kitchen counter are three empty bottles of champagne.
"Lindsay," Michael remarks drunkenly, "what are you doing?"
Equally inebriated, she replies, "Michael, I am trying to convince you to marry me." She winks at him and he doesn't seem impressed. "Maybe if I had a Tara Reid moment." She fools around with the shoulder of her dress, before admitting defeat to lost coordination. "Well, maybe if I were wearing a different dress, but you know, I'll all ready for a nice Paris Hilton one." Shakily getting up from Michael's lap, she takes the hem of the dress, but Michael grabs her hands to still them.
"Lindsay, what do you expect to accomplish here? Let's say I succumb to your feminine wiles," he remarks, tripping over the words, "do you really think you could go through with… it?"
Lindsay pulls back to think about that.
Lindsay decided she could not go through with it. The news of her adoption had made it remarkably easy to act enticing around Michael, but leaving the door open while she showered or rubbing against him in the kitchen or spooning him in bed was not the same as overriding the Westermarck effect.
Sighing, she asks, "Bunt to the pitcher, tag out at first base?"
Michael bargains, "Halfway to first base. I'm not that drunk." Getting up, he adds, "And I'd better not find you in the home dugout."
Unfortunately, Lindsay was drunk enough to do that, though.
A smile slowly grows on Lindsay's face.
On the next episode of Arrested Development…
Tobias tries to gain the event coordinator job Michael promised him from Stan Sitwell…
"So, my smooth-skinned, hopefully future boss-daddy, I would like to audition for the role of Events Coordinator." He hands Stan a headshot of himself dressed like a police officer attached to a resume.
Stan reads over the resume but responds sympathetically, "Look, Tobias, I wish I can help, but we've already a full-time events coordinator on staff." He hands Tobias a business card belonging to ICE.
Tobias frowns, "First my woman, then my spleen, then my job?!"
Stan, impressed, asks, "Have you ever considered work as an actor?"
A smile slowly grows on Tobias's face.
…and Lucille experiences a religious conversation of her own.
Lucille is talking with a female prison advocate from the Church of the Good Shepherd. She incredulously repeats, "You mean that your adherents just give you ten percent of their earnings? Gross or net?"
One week later: in the cafeteria, Lucille, wearing a cross made from toothbrushes, is given a few cigarettes from all the inmates around her, telling them each, "And God bless you… and you… and you," in a syrupy sweet voice.
A/N: I'm really plugging away to get to the actual family meetings that the series is named for, even though I have show plenty of meeting-ups of the family. (Clever, huh? Yeah, I know, a tad.)
Jason Bateman … Michael Bluth
Portia de Rossi … Lindsay Bluth
Will Arnett … GOB Bluth
Michael Cera … George Michael Bluth
Alia Shawkat … Maeby Fünke
Tony Hale … Buster Bluth
David Cross … Tobias Fünke
With Jeffrey Tambor … George Bluth, Sr.
And Jessica Walter … Lucille Bluth
Special Guest Star
Ed Begley, Jr. … Stan Sitwell
Guest Starring
Justin Grant Wade … Steve Holt
Nicole Randall Johnson … Basenji