I can't face my family now. I sit on the back steps of the Justice Building, head in my hands.
Hell's Teeth, why couldn't I have told her? Now Katniss was on her way to the Hunger Games and I might never see her again. In person, anyway. I'd have plenty of opportunities to watch her pitted against 23 other tributes, I think bitterly. At least the Mellark kid shouldn't be a problem – he might be strong, but he was just a spoiled townie, he didn't have the survival instinct Katniss did. He probably wouldn't have it in him to kill when it came down to it.
This whole day was about as bad as I could ever have dreamt. So many moments I regret replay in my mind. Now I will have to watch the Capitol tear my Catnip apart, unable to encourage her, help her, and all I can think of was how things had gone so wrong.
Maybe it was better I'd kept my big mouth shut in the end – I'd spent the whole day putting my foot in my mouth it seemed.
First, there was that debacle with Katniss in the woods. I know running away isn't really an option, not with our families. But ever since I really noticed Katniss, as more than just a hunting partner, I couldn't help but imagine the possibility. I haven't imagined that kind of freedom and happiness in years, not since my father died. Maybe it was better that I hadn't told her, given Katniss' uninspiring reaction to my daydream. I am used to being the strong one. I've learned to hide my emotions, but after everything we've been through, and all she means to me, I hate to have to hide them from her, too.
Why didn't I keep my big mouth shut at the mayor's house? I couldn't help it. I know they are sort of friends, though I can't imagine why. It made my blood boil, seeing the pretty little princess in her pristine white dress, which wouldn't last five minutes in the Seam, and that gold pin that's probably worth more than I will make in a year as a miner. That girl stands for everything I will never have. At the time, Katniss' 20 entries, and my 42 entries, were weighing on me. Undersee had never been starving, she'd never had to sign up for tesserae, and in that moment it seemed her name would never be called in the reaping, entered as few times as it was. Foot in mouth. Again.
And then Prim, with her name in only once - once - gets reaped! How can that happen? About the only time I got it right was there at the reaping, pulling Prim away from the stage, being stoic and strong for her. There was no time to think about it. It all happened so fast.
In the justice building, at my last opportunity to tell her, I couldn't get it out. There was that one brief moment holding her, giving her what little comfort I could. But she was wearing that damn gold pin. They were hardly friends and Undersee could just give away something that valuable? I'd suddenly felt like I had to compete with it, had to give her something of value myself, something to keep her alive. All I had were words, advice, on how to stay alive in the arena. I'd thought about it enough over the years. And suddenly the Pecekeepers were pulling me out of the room, and she actually felt she had to ask me to take care of her family? As if there were any doubt.
I rub my hand over my face. I need to go home to my family, to be strong again, for Vick and Rory. To pretend for Posy, who doesn't understand what's happened. And I will. But I'm not ready yet; I still need a minute. Ma will understand.