Disclaimer:I don't own The 100
A/N: Annnnnnd this is it!
Thank you so very much for taking a chance on this story - it means more to me than you could ever know. And even though I wrote this entire fic in two days, it's been one of my favorite experiences.
So thank you for making this a good one.
Enjoy! X
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You've been worried sick about Bellamy being your inside man. You would never tell anyone (especially not Lexa), but he's a constellation in your universe. You need him to come home safe.
And then you find out about the missiles headed straight for Tondc. Straight for Lexa. You drop everything you're doing and practically fly to the camp.
You are not losing her today.
(Not before this war with the mountain men are over.)
(Not before you have a chance to figure out what all of this soulmate stuff means.)
(Not until you can love her with every molecule of your being.)
The entire race there you can't help but think about your future with her. It's weird to think that a time of peace could actually be true once you both make the mountain fall. It's weird but, my god, it makes your heart flutter for all the right reasons.
(A part of your heart will forever remain solemn for those who wouldn't make it to see peace.)
(You think that Wells would have been a great leader for both clans.)
(You're scared to think of how many people you still have to lose.)
(You try not to picture Lexa's face, pale and frozen in time.)
You imagine numerous feasts right after the war is over. Both people – those who fell from the sky, and those who we forged out of the ground – would come together in celebration. There would be laughter and singing and joy and you would actually get Lexa to dance with you. For real this time.
You would kiss her.
You would love her.
But first, you have to save her.
So you do.
(But you feel the fire deep in your bones and as you watch the camp burn you imagine the stars in your universe fizzling out.)
(But Lexa is safe. She's safe and she's alive.)
(And that's all that matters.)
(That's all that can matter.)
.
"Not everyone. Not you."
Your breath catches in your throat. This is the first time either of you have actively acknowledged what is going on between you.
You have buried so many of your friends. You have burned even more. You have knocked constellations out of the sky.
But Lexa… Lexa makes you feel so warm.
Your universe is banging against the sides of its box, trying to break free – but there's still a mountain that's killing your people and they will always come before you. They have to come before you because Lexa may be your universe but they are your stars and you can't live in darkness.
(She makes you feel so warm.)
You leave Lexa backed up against a table and rush out of the tent.
There is a mountain that's killing your people… but you allow yourself a smile.
(Because Lexa is the exception.)
(Lexa will always be the exception.)
.
You're sitting at the base of a tree and you're so scared. You're scared and confused and tired. You don't know what to do. The hands that once used to be smudged with charcoal and paint are now smudged with blood. You don't want to be fighting anymore. You don't want to be holding people's lives in your hands.
You just want to hold Lexa.
You're tired and confused and you feel yourself slowly falling in love with her. You've tried to wait because your people need you.
(Your people need you.)
But you've been living for eighteen years and she is the first one to make you feel like that actually means something. She makes you feel like you are dancing on the sun.
You want to love her – my god you want to love her.
But you're just so tired and you want this war to be over and for your friends to come home. You want to stop hating your mom, you want Raven to forgive you, you want Octavia to understand you. You want them to see how hard you're fighting and how much you're losing at the same time.
But you can't.
So you wipe your tears away and whisper goodbye to the trees. You make your way to the tent where Lexa is waiting for you because you both have stars to keep in the sky.
.
"Maybe life should be about more than just surviving. Don't we deserve better than that?"
(You're so tired.)
But Lexa is here.
And you miss the way she's looking at you like you're her sun.
And you miss the way her heart is fluttering in her chest.
And you miss the way she's loved you from the moment she first saw you.
"Maybe we do."
But you don't miss the way she kisses you.
You don't miss the feel of her chapped lips under yours.
You don't miss the way her nose brushes against yours.
You don't miss the way her universe aligns with yours.
You don't miss the way she is yours.
You don't miss the way you are hers.
(Maybe we do.)
You pull away because you feel like you're about to explode. Lexa is so close to you and you both are breathing in the same air and it's enough to feel those bubbles filling you up again. Her hand is still on your face and yours is on her arm and you don't know what to do or how to handle all of these emotions. So you smile and you laugh and she smiles and laughs right along with you.
You're so happy. You're so happy and so warm and Lexa is here and she's holding you.
"I can't let go of you," you whisper against her skin. "Not yet."
There are stars in your blood and they're pulsating through your veins but you're rooted on the ground with Lexa.
(With Lexa.)
But then it's time for war and you feel your bubbles popping one by one. You feel yourself drop back down, but Lexa is here and she catches you.
It's time for war and you are so in love.
.
You're waiting at the door and your heart is in your throat because this is real. You have only been alive for eighteen years and there is a high chance that this night could be your last. You squeeze Lexa's hand tighter.
She looks at you, and suddenly everything is okay.
Suddenly you know you'll be okay.
Because even if you both die tonight, you'll die by each other's side. You'll die knowing that Lexa makes you feel like you have lived millions of lifetimes. You'll die before you had a chance to whisper on her skin – but that's okay because you have seen her heart. You have seen her heart and you have left your fingerprints on it.
You have seen her heart and that in itself is worth dying for.
Whatever happens as soon as that door opens, you know you'll be okay.
Because Lexa is here.
.
And then she is gone.
There's blood on her face and you don't recognize her eyes. You don't recognize the coldness she looks at you with. You don't recognize the dark, starless night sky.
This is not your Lexa.
You are meeting the Commander and it feels like her dagger is plunged into your chest and your heart is shattered.
You can't breathe because she's leaving you. She's leaving you and your people in the mountain. The Commander has won her war and your lungs are still battling just to get some air.
She's leaving you.
(You just found her.)
(You were going to spend the rest of your life with her.)
(But she's leaving.)
"May we meet again," and you know you will because those weren't the right Words. Those weren't the right Words but you can barely think about that right now because you are standing alone facing down Death's door.
And you can't breathe.
You feel the fire inside of you and it hurts. The flames are too high and they're filling you up with smoke and all you want to do is blow away with the wind.
But you can't because your friends are still trapped inside that mountain and you made a promise to save them.
So you do.
You take that fire from within you and you use it to set the mountain ablaze.
.
She left.
And then you do too.
.
The trees don't whisper like they used to.
You are cold and alone and the stars taunt you at night.
.
She left you.
.
You don't know where you are and you've lost track of how many days you have been wandering the woods. You don't know what you expected to find but the only thing you knew was that you had to leave. You had to escape the suffocating hugs and the glances filled with pity. You had to turn your back on the people you sacrificed your soul for – the people who continued to demand and demand and demand that you give more.
More, and more, and more until there was nothing left of you to give.
So you left.
A shadow stumbling through the trees, ghosting over roots and branches and never once seeing the next step in front of you.
(Sometimes you hope that the next cliff is waiting for you.)
(But you've also come to realize that hope is weakness.)
(The only thing you can but your faith into in this world are the bones in your body.)
(You ignore the way they're crumbling inside of you.)
You don't know where you're going and you don't really care. The only regret you used to have in life was never getting the chance to explore Earth.
Now, you only regret making that wish.
You don't know where you are and you realize that it doesn't really matter anyway because you died up on that mountain. You died and any good that was left inside of you became one with the stone.
You continue to walk, one shaky step in front of the other.
Because anything is possible.
.
And that's why when you see Lexa again you shouldn't be surprised. You shouldn't have your heart jumpstart again in your chest. You shouldn't have warmth begin to spread throughout your frozen body. You shouldn't feel like you have been living underground for decades and you're finally seeing the sun again. You shouldn't feel the universe inside of you dusting itself off.
So you don't. You shut it all down and push your universe back into its box.
She left you.
She left you and now she's standing in front of you in the middle of the woods. Your bones feel like twigs beneath your skin and you don't remember the last time you actually ate something and she's standing in front of you.
"Clarke."
And just like that, just by saying your name, you know you forgive her.
Because she is your heart and soul and you both know how heavy it is to carry a people on your back. Because you both know that, as your spine bends under the weight of leadership, your heart is bleeding incessantly for those you love. Because you both know that this world is harsh and it demands sacrifice.
Because you both know that the only thing that is promised is here and now.
The world has been spinning for billions of years and the only thing it can give you is this moment and enough courage and love for you to hopefully make the most of it. Because when the universe inhales and then exhales you know your time will be up.
So Lexa is standing in front of you and you forgive her because there is a hunger deep within you and all you can do is be here and make the most out of this moment.
So you do.
And you kiss her with all of you and she kisses you right back. Her hands are like water dripping all over your body and you feel yourself drowning in her.
(You love her.)
You're alive and she is here and you're whispering on her skin.
(You love her.)
You don't know where you are or how she found and, you realize, that it doesn't matter.
Because you will always find one another.
Your stars are orbiting each other and you feel your universe crying inside of you.
"I love you."
(You will always find each other.)
.
"Have you ever seen the ocean, Clarke?"
You stop watching Lexa play with your fingers and look up to see her staring at you. You're both still lying in bed and it's soft and warm and you don't ever want to leave. Especially when her eyes flutter over your face and you see the smallest of smiles tug at the corner of her lips.
You lace your fingers together and answer Lexa.
"Only from space up on the Ark. I haven't see it in person. Truthfully, many of my few experiences with bodies of water haven't been all that great, so…"
Lexa's hand gives a gentle squeeze.
"We must go one day. I find watching the waves to be the third most calming feature of the ground."
You give a laugh and quirk your eyebrow.
"Oh yeah? And what are the top two features?"
Lexa takes a deep breath and shifts so she's on her back, staring up at the tent's ceiling.
"The second are the trees. We are not called the Trigedakru simply because it sounds curious. Or, what was that word you used once? Cool?"
She looks back over to you and her eyes are swimming with mirth (such a contrast to the coldness she left you with on the mountain). She is so proud of herself that you can't help but scoff and roll your eyes in mock annoyance.
"Fuck you, Lexa." You're laughing and her eyes widen until they crinkle at the corners from her grin. You actually forget how to breathe for a moment because wow.
"But, Clarke, you already did."
And then your jaw is on the ground and you're clutching your side because you're laughing so hard it hurts.
(You have had broken ribs and a shattered heart but this is a pain you will gladly endure for the rest of your days.)
You bet your life that Octavia has been teaching Lexa how to curse because there's no way she would have known what that meant.
You hear Lexa's laughter mix with yours and you just never, ever want this moment to end. Even though you know there is world waiting for you outside, Lexa is your universe and you never could ignore just how bright the stars could shine.
"You're such an ass, Lexa."
You wipe some tears from your eyes and try to regulate your breathing. Lexa gives one last chuckle and looks back to the ceiling. She is still softly smiling and you would give anything to be able to sketch her right now. To be able to immortalize how young and carefree she is in this moment.
She's never looked more beautiful.
(It makes you wonder about when the last time someone told her she was beautiful. Perhaps it was Costia.)
(Either way, you make a note to remind her more often of the good that's in her heart and that surrounds her.)
"And what's the most calming?"
You feel her brush her thumb over your knuckles and then let's go of your hand. Then she is turning and tucking her head under your chin. You give a soft gasp as you feel her trail kisses that are more like phantoms up your neck. Lexa gives a light nip at your pulse point until she pushes you on your back and rolls on top of you. Then she is cupping your face and is looking at you like you are her universe.
You suppose you look at her the same way.
She ghosts her hands down your arms, leaving goosebumps in her wake, until she is once again holding your hands. She guides your palms to the middle of her chest and you feel the steady beat of her heart under your fingers.
"You."
Those bubbles you once felt – what now seems like lifetimes ago – are back. But this time they fill you completely and you're positive that if you could somehow tear your gaze away from Lexa, you would find yourself floating. Floating up, and up, and up. Passed the trees. Passed the stars. Up, and up, and up into the unknown. Until there is nowhere else to go and then up, and up, and up some more.
Because Lexa is your soulmate, your universe, and she can give you more than this world can even begin to fathom.
.
The next day, Lexa takes you to the ocean. Your hands are joined and you feel her occasionally give a squeeze. You squeeze back because you need her to know that you're still here. You need to know that she's still here.
(Her fingerprints are seared into your skin and you suppose she will always be with you.)
(She will always be a part of you.)
The ocean is beautiful but you find yourself paying more attention to Lexa than the waves. You learn how to study the world by watching her experience it.
It's worlds within worlds – boxes within boxes – and you are so excited to be spending the rest of your days with her, learning all the new stars in your skies.
You are so in love with her.
And she is so in love with you.
And it's enough.
.
The last few years have been good to you both. As odd as it may feel, it's a time of peace.
You're walking back to camp, the sun is shining, and yours and Lexa's hands are joined, swinging in between the two of you.
The wars are over and it's a time of peace. You forgot what it's like – not always having to look over your shoulder, excepting an arrow to come fly towards you. You can just…
Be.
And so you choose to be here, with Lexa.
You make it a point to travel in between camps every so often. Even though weapons have been laid down, you both are still leaders and your people still need you.
But she is the only one to occupy the in-between with you and so you make sure you take advantage of that fact.
You're singing a song you once heard on the Ark. It's old and about flying over rainbows. You're not sure what it's from, but you've always loved the tune. Your dad used to sing it to you when you were younger whenever you were sad. And when Lexa found out you could sing, well, she almost never allowed you to stop.
(She once told you that your voice reminded her of her mother.)
(You tell her that your dad would have loved her.)
You twirl away from Lexa and she's watching you and laughing and you're singing and smiling. You're still dancing away from her and you're just about to get to the good part of the song when suddenly Lexa's running toward you.
"CLARKE! STOP!"
Her shouts and panicked face rattles you and makes you stumble backwards.
You feel a wire break behind your heel and then you're being pushed to the ground.
You feel your head hit a rock and it makes everything go fuzzy for a few moments. You touch the tender part of your skull and your hand comes away red.
"Fuck…" You struggle to sit up, your one hand still holding your now pounding head. "Lexa what the…"
You look up, ready to seriously yell at her because pushing you into a rock? So not cool. She could have just told you that she didn't like the song.
But she's not standing above you waiting for your verbal attack. No, she's laying on her back on the ground with three spears sticking out of the body.
"Lexa!" You shout and scramble over to her. She's choking on some blood and your hands are hovering above her because you don't know what to do.
You don't know what to do.
You don't know what to do.
You're panicking and your hands are shaking and you feel like you're about to barf because Lexa has three spears in her and she's choking on blood.
"Lexa! Lexa, no, no, no."
You don't remember the last time you've felt this scared.
(You think of a giant metal door.)
Your head whips up towards the trees because you don't know what to do and something has to help you or you don't know what's going to happen.
And then you feel Lexa faintly grabbing your arm. Your wild gaze juts down to stare at her wide-eyed and helpless. You promised to always protect her and love her and keep her safe and you've failed.
You've failed.
She turns her head to cough up some blood, but then she's back to looking at you. And even though there is red covering her body and her hair is blending in with the fallen leaves around her, she is still so beautiful.
"Clarke," her voice is weak and it shakes – shakes way down to your core, to your soul. You feel yourself trembling by the force of it.
"Clarke…." Her hand locks on to yours and she's so cold she's just so cold.
"No, Lexa, please, I –" But you don't know what to say. You don't know how to breathe. You don't know how to save her life.
You don't know how to make this okay.
(Anything is possible.)
But even through the pain, even though she knows she's about to die, Lexa still smiles at you. And it's the same smile she wore when she first kissed you. When she first shared whispers with you. When she told you that she loved you.
She still smiles and you feel your heart breaking.
"Say it," her voice is being carried by the wind at this point. You thought you had a lifetime with her, you thought you had time, you thought that you could make it. But time is running out and the love of your life – your soulmate – is lying beneath you, dying. And she's asking you for this one last request and you would burn every mountain and dry up every ocean if it meant giving her whatever she needed.
So you take a deep breath and, for the first time in a very long time, you put the universe inside of you back into a box.
(Because it would collapse inside of you if you didn't.)
"May we meet again," your hands and voice tremble but you don't look away from her. You don't let go of her cold hand. You can't. You grip as hard as you can because you just can't let go of her.
(Not yet.)
You just found her.
You can't lose her.
(Not yet.)
She gulps one more lung-full of air and her voice sounds miles and miles away from you when she speaks.
"I will find you, Clarke," she wheezes and the tears are racing down your cheeks and off your chin. They land almost perfectly above Lexa's heart.
You feel your own heart shattering again and again like the waves on the shore when she speaks.
"I will come home."
It's said with a quiet determination, as if it were a fact. That, no matter what happens in this world, Lexa is your universe. She is your sun and you are left orbiting her. She will continue to pull you close, to never let you drift away.
She will always find you.
"I swear it."
And then you know it's over.
The sun has burned out and there is nothing left for you to orbit.
Her eyes are still fixed on you, but you know she doesn't see a thing anymore.
You felt the last of the oxygen leave her body, her chest falling and then remaining still.
You barely manage to gently shut her eyes before you can't breathe. You're clutching at her hands and her shoulders and her and there's nothing you can do because she's gone.
She gone and you're here and there's nothing you can do about it.
So you cry.
You cry and you scream until you think the stars in the sky are going to rain down like your tears. And then you scream and cry and beg some more.
Because Lexa can't be gone. She can't be gone. She's your soulmate – you need her.
But she's gone.
She's gone.
She's gone.
She's gone.
And there's nothing you can do about it.
.
She's gone.
.
Octavia and Lincoln are the ones that find you the next day. You don't remember it much but you knew your fingers were bleeding from clawing at the ground and at your chest which now has angry scratch marks on it.
"Jesus, Clarke. What the fuck happened?"
You can't find the words to tell Octavia. You physically can't bring yourself to say 'Lexa's dead.' You can't find the words to say you were trying to tear out your heart because it hurts so much. You can't speak.
So you don't.
You just look at Octavia with wild eyes and she knows. She sees the universe inside of you has crumbled. She sees the pain that keeps spiking through your being like the solar flares you used to experience on the Ark. Except this time there's no doors or floorboards for you to hide behind.
There's nothing here but trees and the cold body of the girl you loved with every fiber of your being.
I will come home.
But she was your home and now she's gone.
She's gone.
You hear Octavia and Lincoln talk to each other but the words are muffled like your head is under water. But then Octavia's arms are around you and she's gently pulling you up and Lincoln is squatting down beside Lexa getting ready to move her.
This snaps you out of your daze and you quickly scramble out of Octavia's hold on you to protect Lexa.
"Hey! Hey – Clarke! Clarke it's okay! Clarke!" You hear Octavia beg and Lincoln immediately takes a step back from Lexa. You dig your arms around her stiff shoulders and press yourself to her as much as the spears allow you to.
You don't find a heartbeat and it's so foreign to you. Even though you've witnessed your fair share of death, both on Earth and on the Ark when you trained beside your mom in the medical wing, holding the still body of someone who made you feel so alive…
You're so tired.
You close your eyes and allow Octavia to move you off of Lexa. You can barely open your eyes to look up at her when she scoops you up to carry you. Her war paint is smudged around her eyes and some braids are falling out, framing her face with dark hair. Her jaw is clenched and tight, but her eyes are kind. Her eyes are kind and peering down at you so softly the only thing you can do is whimper and tuck yourself into her.
Lexa's gone.
Lexa's gone and she will never hold you again.
You feel the fog seeping in from the corners of your mind and you welcome darkness with open arms.
You don't dream.
.
Later, you realize, that you couldn't have heard those Words any other way.
.
You're alone in the woods when you die.
Camp was suffocating and you just needed to escape for a little while.
It had already been a year since Lexa's death. You had assumed that the Coalition would have been shaken at the death of the Commander, but the Grounders had a swift and efficient course of action set in place.
You had heard around camp that Lexa had been one of the longest living commander the Grounders had had in a very long time. Your heart sank down to your toes when it dawned on you that Lexa had prepared for this. She had been waiting.
She knew.
So you wander. You wander and wander and wander until everything around you is foreign once again.
It's getting dark and you don't know where you are and you realize that you just don't care.
The first arrow hits you in the left shoulder.
It stings and you let out a small scream. More out of shock and less out of pain. You don't really feel much these days anyway.
The second arrow hits you in the gut.
You put your hand to the wound and it comes away dripping red. You stumble backwards until you're on the ground.
Getting shot is strange.
You don't know who the arrows are from. You don't know who will find you. You don't know what will happen. But, honestly, you don't really care. You just want it all to be over.
You're staring up at the stars that are peeking through the tops of the trees and glowing butterflies have begun to flutter around you.
What a beautiful way to die.
And then one last time, almost as if it's fate, the wind begins to whisper to you.
And, you suppose, it always has been.
"Home… Home… I swore… Home… To you…"
You're drifting away now.
"Home…"
You think of her eyes. You feel her heartbeat under your fingers.
"I swore…"
The last kiss against your lips.
"I swore I would come home to you…"
The wind, you think, is warm… just like how she made your universe burn.
And then you're gone.
.
You hear the trees whisper and the birds singing. The air is sweet and the sun is warm against your skin.
You walk through the edge of the trees and down towards the shore of the ocean. You pull off your boots and enjoy the sand between your toes. The crashing of the waves roar in your ears and the cool water finally kisses your feet.
It's calm.
Peaceful.
You feel a presence behind you and you can't help but smile. Taking a deep breath, you turn around.
She looks just as beautiful as the first time you saw her.
You laugh and it's mixed with your tears and she's smiling at you. She's smiling at you and you both start running toward each other and meet in the middle with a hug so tight you're almost positive you become one. Your hands are running all over her back, making sure that she's real and her hands are running through your hair. You pull back only to dive back in for a kiss.
She's warm, she's warm, she's warm.
She's warm and she's here.
You kiss her hard one more time and then rest your forehead against hers. You laugh as you nudges her nose with yours.
"Lexa… You're here."
The trees are whispering and you're crying and she's smiling.
Your universe is so bright.
"I swore I would come home to you."