Imagine, if you will, a cave – or better yet, a dungeon, built complete with all standard dungeonly fittings, though excavation costs have been saved by using the cave that was conveniently there to begin with. It's the same one from the previous scene, so you're probably imagining it already. It is not completely dark, but all but two of the candles have burned down, leaving the halo of light around the cave's one permanent occupant constricted down to focus unhelpfully on his lower legs. (This is enough to reveal said legs are wearing pants at the moment, which may come as a relief to some readers.)
Now imagine the sound made by a small group of people being teleported in all at once. (Contrary to popular belief, 'BAMF' is not the most appropriate onomatopoeia, but it will probably suffice.)
The next sound is inevitably going to be that of several people trying to establish where on earth they are, only very quietly in case it's somewhere unfriendly, while their eyes gradually adjust to the gloom.
When Deadpool wakes up from a light snooze to discover that all the above has not been a particularly vivid dream it won't make any particular noise, but it's about to happen nonetheless.
It was several seconds of frantic, barely-whispered argument later that a voice from somewhere in the gloom said, "Nate? 'Zat you?" Despite being rough with sleep, there was an undeniable gravely-Demi-Moore quality to it.
All talking abruptly ceased. After a minute, a different voice (hoarse with surprise, but nonetheless recognisable) ventured, "...Wade?"
"Uh, last I checked. Didn't hear you come in, did you float all the way down the steps just to surprise me or something? Coz I can still act surprised if it means a lot to you." There was a clanking sound, made by chains shifting as their captive craned to get a better look at something. "Is it just me or is there something different about you today? Wait, don't tell me: all your good armour's in the wash and you were stuck with that old spandex thing at the back of the closet. Yeah, that happens to me all the time too. Well, used to happen."
No-one replied immediately, though there were a few exasperated mutters, the sound of someone's palm connecting sharply with its owner's face, and heavy footsteps as the owner of the second voice – who did indeed fit the description of Nathan Dayspring Askani'son Et Cetera Summers to a T – walked forward several steps into the light.
"I think you have me confused with someone else," he said, with a trace of embarrassment.
"Oh sure, with the other Priscilla? Waitasec, do we have guests? You never let me have guests. Are those the Avengers? Didn't you fricassee the Avengers? ...Oh my god, don't tell me: you're alternate universe-Nate with a rescue party from another world come to save me! Oh thankyouthankyouthankyou I take back every bad thing I ever said about epic crossover events! By the love of sweet Bea Arthur, someone up there is returning my calls! Whohooo!"
The silence this time was of a more embarrassed nature.
"Should I be disturbed how close to right he got that?" said the voice belonging to Luke Cage.
"If I've been following this correctly, then I'm more disturbed that we appear to have landed right in a prison cell belonging to the very tyrant we came to ambush!" The distortion of Iron Man's helmet did little to take the edge off his tone.
"Was the signal intercepted?" said Captain America. "If he found out we were coming, could he have diverted our landing point?"
"While we're on the bad news kick," said Spider-Man, "wasn't our team, like, twice as spidey when we left home?"
Everyone looked around at once, with a net effect that would have been comical in better light.
"Jessica? If you can hear me, say something!"
"Not like her to wander off in the dark."
"'Bodyslide by six'," Cable muttered. "I never thought to allow for this."
"Cable, if you have an explanation we should be hearing..." Cap prompted.
"I'm afraid this is probably my fault," said Cable, apologetically. "In our world, Deadpool and I went through a... a kind of accidental genetic exchange which had the side effect of confusing the signatures my teleportation matrix used to identify us."
"... nudge-nudge, wink-wink, if-you-know-what-I-mean."
"The same must have transpired in this universe. I had Forge fine-tune the process to exclude the alternate version of myself when he sent us here, but... I was under the impression we wouldn't be finding Deadpool alive."
"Hah, oh if I had a buck for every time I've heard that one... would've hired a stunt double to do all my being tied up for me for a start..."
A faint smile crossed Cable's face, but he turned away before the others saw it.
"So instead of transporting the six of us to a safe landing point..." said Cap, catching on.
"...it picked up me, Deadpool and the four people closest to me when I gave the command," Cable finished.
"Which still doesn't explain why it brought us to him, instead of bringing him with us," Iron Man pointed out.
"Ooh, me, me, I know this one!"
"Wade?"
"Yeah, my fault, got my teleportation-proof vest on. You may fire at will!"
Everyone stared at him.
"Okay, fine, my teleportation proof hand-cuffs. Happy?"
"You mean your restraints," said Cable.
"Evil-you really didn't want anyone 'porting me out of here," said Deadpool. "Had one of his little overlord-moments and gave me the whole infomercial on them when he locked me up down here. They're also tamper-proof and water-proof and radioactive-cave-newt-proof and even dislocating-your-thumbs-to-escape proof. He let me find that one out the hard way though, the bastard. Stiffed me my free set of steak knives too."
"Meaning that when the teleport couldn't take Deadpool with us, it compromised by bringing us – minus Spider-Woman – to him," said Iron Man, resting his forehead on a hand. "Cable, when this is over you and I are going to have a long talk about the proper programming of failsafes."
"Hey, since we're talking about these stylish cuffs of mine," Deadpool piped up, "it is seriously bad for your hero cred that you've all been down here ten minutes and no-one's let me out of them yet."
This silence was the uncomfortable kind where even the non-telepathic could hear everyone thinking.
"Before anyone voices anything they may want to distance themselves from later," said Cable, "I'll remind you all we can't Bodyslide out of here without him."
"We're aware," said Cap. "Tony?"
"On it," said Iron Man, stepping forward.
"So," said Spider-Man while everyone watched him work, "is anyone else seriously weirded out that Evil Cable has a whole cave down here just to keep Deadpool locked up in?"
"No gags about not being evil enough to lock someone else up with him for company?" said Luke.
"You have no idea how hard I'm restraining myself."
"Deadpool, is there anyone else down here?" said Captain America, tactfully ignoring the rest of the conversation going on behind him.
"Just me and the stalagmites. Hey Metal Man? If your plan for getting those off me involves staring at them and wishing really hard, I tried that one already this morning. Clapping your hands or clicking your heels are still open for you to try if you want though."
Iron Man started crossly out of a haze of concentration. "I'm... oh, nevermind."
"Can you get him free?" asked Cap.
"Yes. But I'm going to have to do it without tripping at least three different alarms in the mechanism."
"How long?"
"You know the saying about getting your food cheap, fast or good?"
Cap frowned. "How long do we have?"
"Depends how long War is likely to take to notice us down here," said Cable, looking at Deadpool.
"Search me, not like he bothers to call before dropping by. Plus I'm pretty sure he's got a 24 hour live Deadpool feed going down here."
"Then we may not have very long," Cable concluded, grimly. "What are our options?"
"The clean way would be to hack the system and disable the alarms from the top," said Iron Man, "but the technology here is years ahead of our century," (the helmet may have directed a slight glare at Cable here). "I could force the locks one at a time, but the alarm will trip long before I'm done. Physical contact on the mechanism from anyone without Deadpool's DNA signature will do the same. The last alarm is connected to pressure sensors on the inside of the cuffs, so short of leaving his hands and feet behind when we leave there's no way to avoid… ah. I actually didn't mean to suggest that."
It was a moment later that Spider-Man said, "That's it, we are way over our uncomfortable silence quota for this month."
"Wade," said Cable slowly, "is your healing factor still working?"
"Oh, sure. It's been working out like you've never seen it work before – regular schedule, three times a week."
"Am I going crazy," asked Spider-Man, voice just a little higher and faster than normal, "or did we seriously suggest what I think we just suggested?"
"It's up to you Wade," said Cable, looking grim. "The slow method puts us at risk, but it's still an option."
"Lemme see. Excruciating pain now plus FREEDOM FOR ALL, or I stay here and delay the excruciating pain until Evil-Nate next comes home in a bad mood." Deadpool craned his head forward to look straight down at his toes. "Sorry extremities, it's been real, but at this point in my career you are just holding me back."
"Fast and cheap it is," Iron Man muttered. "The pencil laser will cauterise the wound as I cut, but there isn't anything I can offer for the pain. Are you ready?"
"No, but you probably better start before I am and the panic attack sets in. If I start screaming like a little girl for you to stop, don't worry too much - I'm pretty used to getting ignored lately when I do that. I'd ask if one of you guys would hold my hand while he does this, but that's gonna be a bit of a joke in a minute so... ayup, that would be panic setting in right about there, oohboy..."
The high-pitched whine of the laser starting up drowned out the sound of most of the cave's occupants taking deep breaths all at once.
A large drop of water fell on Deadpool's face, but for once he didn't even notice it.
An alarm did go off eventually when the temperature inside the cuffs started dropping sharply towards the ambient, but by the time War came roaring down the stairs with fury befitting his name, the Avengers were all long gone.