Behind Her Eyes by therentalspace
Chapter Two: Only If For a Night
Asami wakes to a crash and bolts upright, already reaching for her electric glove as she squints to see the intruder in the dark. When she switches on her glove the resulting electric static illuminates the room in a faint blue-white light. It's then that she notices Korra isn't in bed next to her and she shoots to her feet, panic rising in her chest until she sees Korra on the floor clutching at her feet with a pained expression on her face.
"Are you okay?" she asks, quickly powering down her glove and reaching for the lantern on her bedside table. A moment later she has it lit. "What happened? Are you hurt?"
"I just… I needed to go to the bathroom and I didn't want to wake you," Korra whimpers. "I bumped into the dresser. I think… is there glass on the floor?"
The water pitcher that was on the dresser is shattered on the floor and pieces of the broken pottery are embedded in the bottoms of Korra's feet. A puddle of water creeps steadily outward and Asami grabs a towel from the top dresser drawer and throws it down over the mess.
She reaches for Korra to help her to her feet and startles back in shock when a plume of fire bursts from Korra's extended fist. Asami reels away but the flames catch on the sleeve of her nightshirt and she's crying out in pain as they eat through the thin fabric to the flesh below.
For a moment she's five years old and fire is eating away at the carpet on the second floor landing. Her mother is screaming for her to run, to go hide in her room, but her shock renders her immobile. She can feel the heat of the flames on her face and her tears evaporate just as quickly as they fall. Then she feels the bite of the flames on her arm and the memory is gone. It takes her a few moments to extinguish the fire but it's already done its damage.
"Oh Spirits, Asami, I'm so sorry!" The expression on Korra's face is stricken. "I am so, so sorry!"
There's banging on the door and she didn't know she'd fallen to her knees until she has to struggle to her feet again. The landlord looks furious when she opens the door.
"I'm getting complaints from other guests about the noise in this room," he says, his eyes immediately falling to the burnt remnants of her shirtsleeve. "Do I need to call the police?"
"No, I… I just got a little out of hand," she says, managing a smile through the pain. "I apologize. It won't happen again."
His gaze stays focused on her arm. "Since when do firebenders set themselves on fire?" he asks.
"When they mistake their blind earthbending friend for an intruder when she tries to get to the bathroom in the middle of the night," she says, sarcasm lacing her tone of voice, and that shuts him up. "Speaking of which, do you think we could get a room on the ground floor with, you know, a stone floor? And perhaps some sort of medical kit, as well?"
He snorts. "I'm not moving you to another room to set on fire."
She mentally curses him and reaches for her wallet to pull out a few twenty yuan bills. His derisive look fades a little when she slips them into his hand.
"Of course. I'll have someone come get your things for you immediately and show you to your new room." He turns away and starts walking down the hall, waving away the curious stares of people who have poked their heads out of their own rooms.
"Fucking firebenders," she hears him mutter as he tucks the yuan in his pocket.
Korra is still sitting on the floor when she turns back to her and she has a broken expression on her face. For a moment Asami is glad Korra can't see the pained expression on her face or the tears welling up in her eyes as she looks down at the burn on her upper arm. The skin is red and blistered and the pain is sharp but it doesn't look serious.
"Asami?" Korra whimpers and Asami turns her attention to her.
"I'm right here," she says gently, blocking out the pain from her arm as she kneels next to Korra.
"I'm so sorry," Korra whispers, dropping her face into her hands. "I didn't… I'm really stupid. Sometimes I have these… these visions and I'm back facing Amon or Vaatu and Unalaq or Zaheer and for a moment I thought… I thought you were one of them. I'm so sorry."
"Hey, hey, it's okay," Asami says, trying to make her voice as soothing as possible even as the wound on her arm burns. "We're going to get a room on the first floor, okay? That way you don't have to worry about bumping into things."
A silent sob shakes Korra's shoulders and Asami places a tentative hand on her back.
"Korra, really, it's okay," she murmurs. "It's going to be okay. I promise."
Asami manages to soothe Korra long enough to pick all the broken pottery from the bottoms of her feet and, when a disgruntled hotel employee shows up at their door with a medical kit and a key to their new room, apply a soothing salve and bandages to them. She tends to her own injury later, after Korra's feet have found the firm stone of the first floor, after Asami's tucked her into bed and made sure she's asleep.
As she lies on her back staring up at the ceiling she contemplates the promises she made to get Korra to willingly go to sleep. She knows false promises are the last thing Korra needs right now and that if any of the ones she made turn out to be lies Korra is going to shatter again. So she vows to herself that she's going to do everything she can to make them come true.
Asami's frustration peaks the next morning.
"I don't know what you thought was going to happen if you found me," Korra says as she paces back and forth on the opposite side of the room. She's more comfortable, now, more sure of herself, and it seems like the terrors from the night before have faded to reveal the fiery anger Asami is more familiar with. "That you'd just, what? Cart me back to Republic City and everything would be okay again?"
"I thought you'd actually care," Asami bites back. "People need you out there, Korra, not in some hidden earthbending arena where people go to gamble away their savings and watch people get their asses kicked."
The last thing Asami expects is for Korra to throw her head back and laugh.
"You think I don't care?" Korra demands, shoving away from the dresser to face her with a derisive sneer. "You think I'm just sitting here, what? Twiddling my thumbs? Do you think I'm entering these earthbending tournaments because, gee whiz, wouldn't it be fun to get thrown around by another earthbender today? 'Cause I sure didn't get my ass kicked enough last time."
"Then explain to me how this is helping!" Asami yells, throwing her hands up in the air. "Because apparently I'm missing something."
"Explain to me how going back to Republic City like this is going to help!" Korra yells. "I'll tell you exactly what's going to happen when I get there: Everyone is going to coddle me and send me to a million and one healers and then, when they can't do anything, they're going to send for Katara. And when they finally figure out that this can't be fixed they're going to feel all sorry for me and tell me to 'take all the time I need' to 'recover.' And I can't… I can't deal with that again."
She knows she isn't going to win this argument but the throbbing in her arm just makes her more irritable. It doesn't help that a hotel worker woke them up early to inform her she was being charged for the damages to her first room and now she's even more sleep deprived than before. So instead of conceding to Korra she digs her heels in deeper and crosses her arms over her chest, letting the burning sensation in her arm spur her on.
"So you're just going to stay here and what? Compete in earthbending tournaments for the rest of your life? Pretend the whole outside world doesn't exist?"
"Is that what you think I'm doing out here?" Korra asks, disbelief written clearly on her face. "You think I'm avoiding my problems? I'm trying to fix them, Asami! This is… this is the only way I can fix them, okay?"
"You're running away," Asami snarls. "You're running away like you always do and you're leaving everyone behind to cope without you."
Korra is silent and for a moment Asami thinks she might have actually won.
"Maybe you're right," Korra finally says, her voice unusually quiet and controlled. "Maybe I am running away. But you can't be mad at me for doing something when you're doing the exact same thing."
The statement stuns Asami for a moment and when she comes back to herself Korra is halfway out the door.
"Wait, where are you going?"
"I'm running away," Korra snaps before slamming the door behind her.
A solid fifteen minutes pass before it occurs to Asami that Korra's taken her bag with her, but by the time she makes it out to the street Korra is long gone.
Three days pass before Asami lets herself really worry.
She's not sure if it's even worth going to look for Korra at this point. For all she knows Korra's already moved on: left for the next village; the next city with illegal underground earthbending tournaments; the next bending nation. She spends her days wandering Gaoling, exploring the city and hoping she'll catch a glimpse of Korra, her nights curled up in her bed struggling not to cry because she failed.
It's by chance that she runs into the man she sat next to at the earthbending tournament. On the third night of Korra's absence she decides to go to a bar instead of sit in her room and pore over Korra's letters. He recognizes her first, introduces himself as Ghashiun, and offers to buy her a drink.
"So what're you doing in Gaoling anyways?" he asks as he sets his bottle down on the bar top.
"What?"
He laughs. "You're obviously not from here," he says with a shake of his head. "I'd bet you aren't even from the Earth Kingdom."
Asami allows herself to smile. "It's that obvious?"
"You're not wearing green." He keeps his face straight for a moment before he laughs with her.
"What's with that?" she asks. "Seriously, everywhere I look it's green and gold. Are there just not any other options for clothing colors?"
"It's so we can spot outsiders more easily," he says with a wink, and they laugh again. "You never answered my question, though. What brings you to Gaoling? It can't be the underground earthbending tournaments. The best ones are in Omashu and Ba Sing Se."
Her smile fades a little and she looks down at her glass of wine. "I was looking for someone," she whispers.
"Did you find them?"
She thinks of the Korra she found, her defeat in the earthbending tournament, the knife she pressed to her throat, the broken look on her face as Asami stared into her star-speckled eyes. "I don't know," she whispers.
Ghashiun tilts his head and looks at her with a furrowed brow like she's a puzzle and he's trying to figure her out. A moment later he offers her another drink and she shouldn't, she knows she shouldn't, but he's nice and he listens to her and she just wants someone to make her feel like she matters. So she leans into his touches, laughs at his jokes, lets her eyes wander obviously over his chiseled physique, allows him to buy her two more glasses of wine so she's tipsy and flirty.
Even as she leads him back to her hotel room she knows she's going to regret this. But she kisses him like he's the only person in the world, guides his fumbling fingers to the buttons on her jacket, revels in his whispered praises of her beauty. He kisses her still healing burn with a reverence that makes her want to cry and murmurs apologies into her neck. She allows herself to feel like she's wanted and basks in the attention Ghashiun worships her body with.
It's later when he's lying next to her, chest heaving to catch his breath, that she starts to feel guilty. Asami has slept with plenty of people, men and women, over the past three years to help mask the feeling of loneliness but this is the first time she feels dirty and wrong. She turns on her side, away from Ghashiun, and struggles to keep her tears at bay until he decides to leave.
"Asami?" he murmurs, and she tenses when he lays a gentle hand on her arm.
"I… I'm sorry," she chokes, but even then she can't bring herself to ask him to go.
"Would you like me to get you some clothes?"
She squeezes her eyes shut and waits until she knows that speaking won't make her cry. "Yes, there's… there's a robe hanging in the bathroom."
He slides out of bed and she hears him ruffle with his own clothing before padding over to the bathroom. The bed dips under his weight when he returns with her robe she quickly slips it on, the soft silk armor against the discomfort of the situation. It's funny how moments before she was having sex with him and now she can barely even stand to have him look at her. He's only wearing his pants and his chest glints with sweat from the moonlight shining though the window.
"Does this have anything to do with the person you're looking for?" Ghashiun asks, his voice soft. "The Blind Bandit?"
Asami freezes and is glad when he doesn't try to touch her again. She turns away.
"If you want to see her again there's another tournament tomorrow night in the bending ring just beyond the city limits," he says, and there's the sound of him sliding off the bed again, of him slipping into the rest of his clothes. She sees him walk to the door, manages to meet his eyes as he turns to look at her one last time.
"Maybe it's not someone else you came to Gaoling to look for," he says. "Maybe you're looking for yourself."
She doesn't do anything to muffle her sobs after he leaves.
This arena is larger and more crowded than the first one and is a bit more familiar to Asami. It mirrors a pro-bending arena, except the cavernous space around the ring that is supposed to be filled with water is empty. There was an attempt to extend pro-bending to the Earth Kingdom and this is very obviously a remnant of that failure. It turns out earthbenders aren't particularly interested in watching bending that isn't their own.
The tournament starts and Korra is one of the first people to be put in the ring. Asami holds her breath through that first match. Her performance is so much different than before, dodging blows and throwing back counter attacks that make her opponent gasp for breath when he's finished avoiding them. She seems like she's one with the element and she can't help but shoot to her feet and cheer with the rest of the crowd when Korra slams her opponent out of the arena in a clear victory.
Her next matches are just as breathtaking. She exudes power in every movement, muscles and tendons flexing as sweat drips down her bare skin. Each motion is deliberate and precise and she doesn't do anything without a reason, feet firm on the ground as she faces each opponent with calm determination. Then she loses.
She can see the exact moment when Korra loses control of the match from the way her body tenses up. Her opponent can see it too. And within moments Korra is thrown from the arena.
Asami doesn't wait.
She's on her feet and running to the edge of the arena before the badger moles can clear the rubble from the match, circling around until she comes to the staircase that leads down to the benders' holding area. She pushes through the crowd of earthbenders, most of them still waiting to have their first match, and prays to the spirits that Korra hasn't already left.
"She went that way."
The Ringer is pointing her thumb down a tunnel leading deeper into the mountain the arena is built in and Asami just stares at her for a moment.
"You're looking for The Blind Bandit, right?" The Ringer asks and Asami nods. "She went that way." She points her thumb in the same direction as before and Asami follows it.
Korra hasn't gotten very far when Asami catches up to her. She remembers the fire Korra blasted at her the last time she caught her by surprise and Asami is about to call out to her when Korra stops in the middle of the hall a few feet in front of her.
"What are you doing here, Asami?" Her voice cracks in the middle of the sentence and it sounds like she's been crying.
She considers being completely honest, spilling everything, but she's not sure how much more emotion a broken Korra can take. So she settles for being as sparse as possible while still being honest. She shrugs her shoulders and says, "I came for you."
"I'm not going back to Republic City."
"I didn't come to convince you to go back to Republic City," Asami says. "I should… I need to apologize."
Korra doesn't say anything, doesn't move.
"I was selfish," Asami says as she wraps her arms around herself and looks down at her feet. "When I came here I didn't come for you, I came for me. I didn't realize it at first and I thought I was doing what was best for you but… but I didn't realize that me being here might hurt you. I shouldn't have said those things, I shouldn't have tried to force you to come back to Republic City, and I shouldn't have come if you didn't want me here."
The following silence is long and strained and Asami is about to leave when Korra speaks up.
"I want you here," she whispers and Asami looks up in surprise. "That… that's why I wrote you that letter. It's why I wrote you any of those letters. I wanted you here. I wanted you to find me."
"Why me?"
"You're the only one who understood," Korra says with a shrug. "After what the Red Lotus did to me, after the poison… you were the only one who seemed to understand exactly what I needed. You weren't telling me to take my time in getting better and unintentionally rubbing in my face that everyone else was taking care of my Avatar duties like Tenzin. And you weren't overbearing and demanding I help people like President Raiko. You were just… there."
"Korra…"
"And I felt better whenever you were around," Korra says, turning to face Asami with a desperate expression on her face. "My bad days weren't as bad and my good days were even better. You made me feel stronger, less tired, like… like I could actually recover."
Asami takes a tentative step forward. "Then why didn't you let me come to the Southern Water Tribe with you?"
Korra's laugh is quiet and barely there. "And take the CEO of Future Industries away from Republic City?" she asks. "They needed you more than I did."
"I would've come with you," Asami says. "Future Industries needs to expand and the Southern Water Tribe would be a perfect place…"
"Republic City needed you," Korra says with a shake of her head. "Things would've fallen apart the moment you left."
"You're worth it."
She gives Asami a wry smile. "My life is worth more than the millions who live in Republic City?" she asks. "Asami, I gave myself over to Zaheer for the airbenders. Do you really think I would have let you put my needs before those of Republic City? I'm the Avatar. What else does the world need me for other than throwing my life on the line?"
"I need you," Asami admits in a whisper.
A stunned look flits across Korra's face. "Why?" she finally croaks.
"You're my best friend," Asami says with a shrug. She takes another tentative step forward, and another, until she's standing so close to Korra that all she has to do is reach out and touch her. "You sent me all of, what, thirteen, fourteen letters over the last three years? And in every single one of them you just… you knew what I needed you to say. When I read them… it was like you were there again and I… spirits, Korra, how could I not need you? How have I not needed you my whole life?"
Korra throws herself at Asami and that's all the permission she needs to wrap her up in a hug and bury her face in her hair.
"I missed you so much," Korra whimpers.
"I missed you, too."
Hours later they're still in the hallway, but sitting side-by-side leaning against one of the walls. Korra is playing with the straps of her bag and occasionally turns her head away from Asami and down the hall, sensing through earthbending something or someone Asami can't see. They've fallen into a comfortable silence and it seems as though neither of them want to break it.
"I went looking for you last night," Korra finally whispers. "You were… with someone else."
Asami's eyes widen. "Korra…"
"You don't need to explain," Korra says, her fingers fumbling faster. "It's none of my business."
"Will you let me explain anyways?"
Korra's nod is uncertain.
Her forehead wrinkles as she searches for the right words. "Everyone left," she finally says, and Korra's fingers go still. "After you went to the Southern Water Tribe, everyone just started… drifting away. The airbenders came and went as they dealt with different problems. Bolin ended up joining Kuvira here in the Earth Kingdom to try to reign in all the chaos caused by Zaheer. Mako… well, you know how Mako dives into his work."
They share a laugh but after a moment their smiles fade. Asami wraps her arms around her stomach and holds herself tight.
"I got lonely," Asami whispers. "And I felt like I was… stuck. Everyone else was moving up in the world, but I'd already… I was as far as I could go. There was nothing to look forward to. And you were gone so long… two weeks turned into three, three weeks turned into month, which turned into two, and with every passing day you just seemed to get farther away."
She struggles to hold back tears. "And then I found you and I… I failed," she whispers. "I was alone again and I just… I needed someone, you know? And that guy was there. He bought drinks for me and listened to me and for a moment I didn't feel as alone."
They're both quiet.
"I've been a pretty shitty friend, haven't I?"
Asami stares at her with wide eyes. "What, Korra, no…"
"You don't have to lie to me." Korra's voice is bitter and Asama's shoulders sag. "I mean, I told you I was going to be gone a couple weeks and it's been three years. And I was supposed to be back in Republic City six, no seven months ago? Yeah, seven months ago now and look where I am."
"Korra, it's fine," Asami says gently. "Like I said before, I was selfish. You've been through so much and everyone's just expected you to get back up, dust yourself off, and continue saving the world. It's not fair that I expect you to do that, too."
A moment passes before a small smile plays across Korra's lips. "Thanks," she whispers. "I really appreciate that."
"How about… would it… I mean, if you want…" Asami isn't used to this, stumbling over her words, and she wonders at herself as her tongue twists itself in knots. Korra just laughs and reaches for her hand, her grin widening when Asami meets her halfway.
"Just ask what you're going to ask," Korra says. "I think we've gone past the point of offending each other."
"I was just going to ask if you wanted to come back to my hotel room with me," Asami says as she pulls her bottom lip between her teeth. "You don't have to if you don't want to, but I don't know where you're staying and…"
"That'd be great," Korra says, her shoulders sagging with relief. "To be honest I've been sleeping in alleys and out in the wild for the past seven months and while I'm blind sleeping on a bed it's definitely more comfortable."
As they walk back to Asami's hotel together Korra's hand catches in hers. Something flutters in her chest she allows herself a small smile. Neither of them have even begun to get to the bottom of their problems, but maybe she's found what she's looking for after all.