heyheyhey...and like santa claus i arrive bearing gifts...well...not so much gifts per se as the next chapter in my holiday story...but of course...that in itself could be construed as a gift to the readers...so yush...i bear gifts...lol...hope you do dig...thanks so much for your reviews and continued reading...it makes me smile...as always...enjoy!

"By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it. The nonexistent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired."
~Franz Kafka~

CHAPTER TWO

The sound of metal hinges being pulled up heralded Natsuki's arrival home as she lifted the door to the crate elevator which let out into her loft apartment. She'd purchased an old warehouse out near the docks of Fuuka City after having her apartment thoroughly trashed by Miss Nao Yuki several long months ago. Most of the money left in her trust fund went towards the acquisition of the old, two story warehouse and in the subsequent refurbishing of its upstairs into a trendy loft apartment. The bottom floor was still unfinished, a sprawling three thousand square feet of peeling paint, cracked floor tiles and a few broken windows. She planned on hiring out a crew to finish the remodeling sometime in the warmer, summer months. For the time being, it was just empty space.

Once the sliding door had been lifted all the way up, Natsuki stepped into her apartment, wheeling her Ducati in with her. She always kept the motorcycle parked inside. She had the space, plus, there was no way she was going to leave her baby outside and vulnerable to theft or vandalism, something not unheard of in this particular area of town. Dropping the kickstand and easing the bike onto it, she hung her helmet on one of the motorcycle's handgrips before pulling the door to the crate elevator closed.

She shivered. Goddamn it! It's always so cold in here! she complained to herself, pulling the scarf wrapped around her neck off, giving it a vigorous shake. A few pellets of frozen rain still stuck to the material, a lingering testimony to the wintery mix that had now begun falling in earnest. Deciding to keep her jacket on until she could turn the heat up a notch, she unzipped her boots, haphazardly kicking them off before padding towards the kitchen. The floor was tiled throughout the entire upstairs area comprising her apartment in a light brown, wooden tile and the bottom of her socked feet were cold and slipped easily on the smooth surface. Cursing, she reminded herself for the thousandth time to buy a pair of slippers to wear around the apartment. To her chagrin, she'd already suffered numerous falls on the slick flooring.

The loft had no walls separating the huge space into rooms as in most conventional apartments, but rather Natsuki had elected to use partitions which had been erected around the floor that gave definition to a few areas such as the space used as her living room, the area designated and furnished with her bathroom necessities and the kitchen. She would have been perfectly happy with just a microwave and a refrigerator, but the relator who sold her the place persuaded her that it would greatly enhance the resell value of the property if she went ahead and outfitted the apartment with a full kitchen. Which she did. And which she still, after three months of living here, had never used. Except of course, for the microwave and the fridge.

The only other space in her apartment partitioned into its own section was dedicated to what she one day hoped to become her life's work; the design and manufacturing of a personal line of racing motorcycles. The Shop, as she half-jokingly referred to the corner of her apartment that housed the tools and gear necessary for her to work on the bike's prototype was a jumbled mess of new and used motorcycle parts, metal workbenches and a plethora of tools. Sitting on a metal and glass desk, Natsuki had installed a state of the art computer system loaded with programs and info she might require in order to create the ultimate racing machine. Her plan was to enroll in a local engineering design school after graduation to further enhance and hone her mechanical skills. Designing the racing bike was her dream; the dream which kept her motivated on a daily basis.

Rounding the partition into the kitchen, Natsuki's foot slid on the smooth surface of the wooden flooring and she rammed her big toe into the fridge, cursing impressively. Trying to ignore the throbbing from her smarting toe, she yanked angrily on the refrigerator door and reached in, snagging a bottle of Nippon Banzai beer from the shelf. 'Nip-Zai' as it was referred to around the bars and clubs in the city was a microbrew made and manufactured by a couple of neo-hippies who lived in a warehouse of their own just around the corner from Natsuki. She bought the stuff directly from their brewery when she'd first heard about it in an effort to support her neighbor's entrepreneurial enterprise. It was remarkably good beer, even if it was all natural and eco friendly. Three days ago, a shipment of four cases of Nip-Zai had been delivered to her loft. A Christmas present from the Banzai Brothers Brewing Company.

"Merry Christmas to you, too," she toasted the Banzai Brother's, lifting her bottle of beer up in a salute before taking a healthy swig. "And thanks for the brew." She finished her toast to the Santa Clauses of beer with a small belch and a chuckle.

A sudden vibration in her pocket drew her attention from the beer and she pulled the cellphone out, giving the cover a flick, glancing at the name of the sender while taking another pull on the bottle. "Tokiha," she grumbled, "now why does that not surprise me. It's only been forty-five minutes since the last time she harassed me." Clicking the 'Read Text' message on the screen, her eyes scanned the words of her friend, sipping at the beer as she read:

"Don't forget. Meet us in FRONT of the restaurant at 8:15 TONIGHT, which is Christmas Eve. And YES, I DO have to be this specific with you because if I didn't, you'd somehow find a way to weasel out of coming tonight. Now, you have no excuse. Unless you claim you lost your cell, which by the way Kuga, I will never believe! Wear something festive. LOL See you later. MERRY XMAS!"

Not bothering to respond, she stuffed the phone back into her jacket pocket, tipping the bottle up and draining the last drop in a gulp. She tossed the bottle into the trash and licked her lips, glancing at the clock set into the face of the refrigerator. 1:49 P.M. Not too late to enjoy one more beer, compliments of the boys down the road. It was a Christmas present after all and hadn't Mai been riding her ass all day about being more in the 'holiday spirit'. Snagging another bottle she opened it with the bottle opener built into the drawer beside the fridge, leaving the top in the floor alongside it's twin as she took another sip.

Beer bottle in hand, Natsuki headed towards the living room, anticipating a few hours of game time before she would be forced to appease her friend with an appearance at the restaurant tonight. She stopped by the thermostat, giving the temp a generous nudge up before walking into the area of the warehouse she had converted into the living room. It was just located adjacent to the kitchen on the eastern wall of the building, a huge accent rug aiding the two-walled partitions in giving the area a more defined and secluded feel. The rug was designed in overlapping, geometrical patterns dyed in varying shades of brown and tan, just a shade darker than the wooden floor tiles. Two overly large, loft-style windows were set in the easternmost wall, heavy and well insulated, the scene beyond encompassing a panoramic view of the Fuuka City docks and pier. Constructed between the two windows was an extremely modern looking fireplace composed of sand colored cinder-blocks and black metal; the firepit stacked with fragrant logs, ready to brighten and cheer a cold winter's night. Natsuki had thus far never bothered lighting the thing. The fireplace being yet another amenity the relator claimed would only increase marketability should she ever decide to sell.

Casting her gaze out the twin windows, even Natsuki had to give pause a moment and stare in amazement at the beauty of the snow falling heavily across the city's dockside district. Her delight quickly turned to a sigh, however. It would be a helluva mess trying to drive through all this snow and ice tonight. Maybe if I just don't show up at all... She entertained that thought only a moment before cringing. No. That would only bring Mai and quite possibly her entire entourage of merry do-gooders to the door of her apartment later on this evening. She just didn't think she'd be able to face that. Her eyes slid involuntarily over to the Christmas tree Mai and Mikoto had put up in front of one of the windows. The two girls had shown up three days ago, dragging the tree in behind them, claiming they wouldn't let her apartment see its first Christmas occupied without the obligatory trappings of the season. It was a five footer, all decked out with blinking, multi-colored lights and a hodge podge of decorations. It sat even now, dying a slow yet festive, predestined death, winking at her through it's silver tinsled hair as if mocking her wish to see it gone. Soon, little Christmas tree, soon, you will be food for my fireplace, Natsuki scoffed, deciding on the spot to have her first blaze in the fireplace fed by wood from that tree. Two presents sat under the thing. One from the evil purveyors of the tree itself, the other from her old friend who'd sold her her first motorcycle. She hadn't deigned it necessary to return the offering of either of these gifts.

The beer plus the temperature adjustment she'd made to the loft's thermostat combined to make her suddenly a little too warm. Shrugging out of the jacket, she draped it across the back of the couch, trading the bottle of beer for a game controller as she dropped heavily onto the comfortable seat of the sofa. She bounced the controller in one hand, suddenly not in the mood to play a game. The beer and a half had made her lethargic, too unmotivated even for a few rounds of her favorite shoot-em up. Instead, she flicked on the stereo and immediately jumped in surprise as the pounding thrum of a heavy bass bit into the quiet air of her apartment. Thumbing the volume down quickly, she silently wondered if she always listened to music that loud. If she lived in a regular apartment complex, that alone would get her evicted. Laughing softly, she selected a new disk on the CD changer, an old favorite of hers, The Pretenders, and grabbed the beer with two long fingers, pulling it to her mouth for another sip.

She soon found herself singing quietly along to the song "I'll Stand By You". This particular classic from The Pretenders had always been her favorite. But this afternoon, she found herself choking on the words as she tried to sing along, an inexplicable ache rising up in her chest. Irritated with herself and blaming Mai for putting her in such a sappy mood, she journeyed to the kitchen for one more beer, returning to the couch with a scowl plastered across her face. Maybe it was just inevitable that this time of year played such havoc with people's emotions. The way she saw it, you either fell into one of three seasonal categories. The Christmas Crazies, like Mai and everyone else who practically OD'ed on the holiday spirit, the Christmas Crashers, those people who suddenly turned inadvertently melancholy and depressed during the holidays and then there were the Christmas Caveats, those who viewed the holidays as something to be wary of if not avoided entirely. She put herself in the rankings of this third group. In Natsuki Kuga's astute opinion, the holidays were nothing more than a tourist trap for the emotional. She wanted no part of it.

The sound of her phone ringing brought her attention back into focus and she pulled her jacket off the back of the couch, retrieving her phone from the pocket. "Takeda," she groused, letting the hand holding the phone fall to the cushion of the couch. Could he NOT get the hint that she wasn't interested? She sat cradling the phone, the vibration of it's insistent ringing tingling against the palm of her hand. Another few seconds after the ringing stopped, a beep indicated that the boy had left a voice message. ANOTHER voice message. She brought the phone to her ear, reluctantly listening to the message.

"Hey, ummm Kuga. It's Masashi. Takeda Masashi. Saw you and Mai out earlier shopping. Guess you didn't see me though, huh. Anyway. Sorry we didn't get a chance to hang out. You have a merry Christmas, Kuga. I mean Natsuki. See you back at school."

"Not if I see you first," the girl quipped under her breath. But the usual satisfaction she derived from avoiding the boy's calls seemed forced and unnecessary today for some reason. Taking a calming breath, she hit redial. Why she did it, she couldn't say. Maybe it was out of pity. The young man answered almost immediately.

"Hey, Takeda," she greeted, trying to sound cheerful around a mouthful of frown. "Yeah. Sorry about that. I've just been really busy, ya know, with the holidays and all." She cringed at the lie, waiting for him to finish thanking her for returning his calls. "Ummm, sorry, but I can't go out with you tonight. I sorta promised Mai that I'd join her for dinner." Another protracted silence as Natsuki listened to the boy chatting away about his own plans for the holidays. "Sounds awesome man. Look, I gotta go now. Just wanted to give you a ring and let you know..." she paused here, suddenly uncertain what to say. "I just wanted to say...merry Christmas to you too. See ya later." Brushing her thumb across the disconnect key, she tossed the phone onto the table in front of her with a heavy sounding sigh. Mai would be proud. She'd actually wished someone a merry Christmas!

"Shit!" she suddenly groaned, running one hand through her hair. She still had several hours to kill before the stupid dinner with Mai. She was unmotivated to do anything other than sit on her ass and drink some more of her Christmas beer. She pushed herself up off the couch and plodded over to the bookshelf where she kept her cigarettes. She'd started smoking again during these past few months, something she hadn't done in several years. But it was somehow comforting to her and seemed to take a bit of the edge off of her life. She knew that was nothing but a line of bullshit she fed herself every time she lit a smoke, but right now, she didn't really care. She liked to smoke when she had a drink. And she'd been doing both a lot lately. Ever since...

Giving herself a mental shake, she forced her thoughts away from that graveyard of buried memories. She'd made the right decision for herself. It was a choice she could live with. And yet, it still made her heart clench up in shame and regret every time she thought about...her. "Fuck it," she told herself. "I don't need anyone. I did just fine by myself all these years. Stop beating yourself up over it and let it rest in peace."

Natsuki kept her cigarettes stashed in small souvenir box she'd picked up at a Motorcycle Show she'd attended over a year ago in Tokyo. Opening the lid, she picked up the box of Dunhills, an imported brand of cigarette she seemed to prefer over the American brands. Shaking one out of the box, she grabbed an ashtray and a pack of matches, the name of a local Chinese restaurant inked across the front flap.

Pausing a moment, she glanced at the pictures she'd set out on her scantily populated bookshelf. One was a picture of her and some of her friends from school posing together at one of the karaoke outings Mai had coerced them all into attending. Everyone pictured was either laughing or smiling or making goofy faces for the camera. Except her. She was standing with her arms folded, a decidedly unamused look on her face contrasting considerably with a grinning Mai, who was standing beside her, one arm around her neck, the other hand stretched out towards the camera, flashing a peace sign. She felt a small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth as she gazed at the photograph. God, I'm such a dork!she snorted in other picture was a shot of her on her motorcycle. She had to admit, she looked rather cool in that picture. Two conflicting looks. But both undeniably pieces of her personality. It suddenly struck her that, even though she was frowning in the picture with her friends, she could see the happiness reflected in her own eyes and yet, in the picture of her on her motorcycle, an arrogant smile plastered across her face, she saw the sadness shadowing the smile she was portraying to the camera. She frowned at the picture.

Why do I look so happy and yet so sad at the same time? The question was a silent plea that she already knew the answer for.

"Even when you smiled, I could feel your loneliness, Natsuki. That first time I saw you, your underlying sadness was what immediately drew me towards you. I thought, she's just like me. She has this...mask on which portrays the public persona she so desperately wants to be, but underneath her arrogance and bravado, she's just a lonely and frightened girl.'

The comment ghosted across the graveyard of memories in Natsuki's mind. A ghost that once unearthed, would show no mercy; as it enjoyed nothing so much as causing her heart to ache with a regret that could take her to her knees. She knew the next this ghost of a memory would utter, not only because it was her memory, but because she had been the one to say them. She closed her eyes, trying desperately to banish the ghost back into the vault where she'd locked it up. Failing at willing the ghost to silence, she held her breath and faced the words as they were replayed in her memory."You were never alone, Shizuru. You were constantly surrounded by a throng of fangirls whose only purpose in life had been to shadow your every move. You had but to snap your fingers and someone was there for you. So don't give me that bullshit about you being lonely! And Shizuru Fujino, frightened? Give me a break. You don't even know what it means to be afraid!"

She slammed the picture she'd been holding face down, swallowing the cry threatening to burst from within. Forcing her eyes open, she slipped the cigarette she was holding between her lips, opening the matchbook then cursing when she found it empty. Hurling it onto the bookshelf in misplaced anger, she strode over to the couch and rammed her hand into her jacket pocket, pulling out a cheap, plastic lighter and rolled her thumb across the ridged tumbler. Leaning into the flame, she took a drag on the cigarette, filling her lungs with the acrid smoke, before exhaling deeply.

Dammit! She laid the blame of her melancholy mood right at Mai's feet. That crazy chick and all her talk of Christmas spirit and holiday cheer. Shoving the lighter back into her pocket, Natsuki felt the crinkling of a plastic wrapper beneath her fingertips and frowned. Pulling out what she thought to be trash, she saw a miniature candy cane resting in the palm of her hand. Where did..? But the answer to that question sprang immediately to mind. The guy who'd stepped on her foot earlier had given her the piece of candy. The big doofus. She took a drag on her cigarette, turning the candy over with two fingers. There seemed to be something inside the candy wrapper. Dropping her cigarette into the ashtray, she opened the candy with her teeth, pulling out a white slip of paper.

A burst of laughter echoed from the walls. "You gotta be kidding me," she chortled, staring at the paper she now held in one hand. It looked like those little slips of paper you pulled out of the foul tasting fortune cookies you got when ordering Chinese takeout. "Just what the world needs. Fortune candy canes." She tossed the candy onto the table and retrieved her cigarette, listening to the sound of the expensive brown paper the tobacco was wrapped in crisp and burn away as she pulled another drag.

Flopping heavily down onto the couch, she crushed out her cigarette, blowing the smoke from her nostrils as she drained the last of the third beer. The CD changer clicked and spun its carousel, prompting another selection of music to play, this time instrumental versions of popular songs played by two guys on two cellos. She rather enjoyed the strangeness of hearing a classic from the Police played on what one would normally consider instruments used almost exclusively in symphony orchestras.

The heavy tasting hops used in the brewing of the microbrew beers coupled with the Dunhill left a bad taste in her mouth. Too lazy to get up and go brush her teeth, she instead retrieved the peppermint candy cane off the table and opened it, breaking it in half and putting one piece in her mouth. Sucking on the candy, she curiously retrieved the slip of paper that had been inside the wrapper. Strange symbols in red ink were on one side; on the other, also printed in red ink, was the fortune the candy cane had carried. She crunched down on the candy, sucking in a deep breath as the minty freshness spread throughout her mouth and scanned the words inked on the slip of paper:

Speak truth to dispel the lie lived.
Believe.
The Spirit of Christmas is upon you.

What the shit kind of fortune was this! An involuntary shiver tingled up her arms as she remembered the white eyes of the man who'd slipped the candy into her hand. White eyes? Must've been a weird reflection from the Christmas light or else he'd donned colored contacts, she surmised, giving the silent explanation to herself. She read over the slip of paper once more before crumpling it up in a fist and tossing it towards the Christmas tree. Fuck the spirit of Christmas and fuck any idiot who is gullible enough to believe in it! She never understood why people got so sickeningly sappy during the Christmas holidays. Like Mai. So freaking concerned that everyone have a good time and that no one spend Christmas Eve alone. What was so wrong with wanting to spend the holiday alone? There was a difference in being alone and being lonely. She'd tried explaining that to Mai a million times but the mule-headed girl couldn't seem to differentiate between the two.

"I'm not LONELY!" The sound of her shout caused her to jump and she frowned, irritated at herself for letting Mai's words worm their way into her brain. "I'm not...lonely," she reiterated quietly, feeling an unwelcome tightening in her chest.

Speak truth to dispel the lie lived.

Natsuki ground her teeth together, leaning her elbows on her knees, placing her fisted hands against the sides of her head. It's not a lie, she told herself. I made a decision. One that I felt was...best for me. I'm not lonely. I don't need...anyone.

Speak truth to dispel the lie lived.

Gah! That stupid line from the slip of paper in the candy cane wrapper wouldn't leave her head. "What the fuck? It's not a lie! I don't...I'm not living...a LIE!"

She felt it then, with her fingers twined through the strands of her long dark hair as if trying to hold the truth inside her head while the sound of her own voice bounced off the stark walls surrounding her. "Lie! Lie! Lie!" Her voice resounding through the emptiness of her apartment. "Lie!" the voice accused, slithering inside her mind, unlocking the scene of that night five months ago, freeing it from the cell she'd sealed it up inside. Natsuki closed her eyes and faced for the first time since that night, the memory of her lie:

I don't know what you WANT me to say, Shizuru! What can I say that I haven't already said?

The truth Natsuki! You can tell me the truth. I want the truth. No, I deserve the truth. Not the typical KUGA brush-off. I...I'm here tonight, laying my heart at your feet. I love you. I have been in love with you for years and I need to know...

I know this already. Jesus, I heard you the first time you told me. I'm flattered and honored that you feel that way about...

I didn't confess my love for you simply to stroke your over inflated ego, Natsuki Kuga. I told you because I want...I want you. I want to be a part of your life. I want you to be a part of MY life. I need you Natsuki. I've never needed anything or anyone like I need you.

Shizuru, you know I care about you. You've been like my best friend for years. I don't know how I would've gotten through some of the rough periods of my life without you there, always beside me. You always knew what to say to make me feel better.

I knew what to say to you because I love you! When people love each other...

Well, that's the thing, Shizuru. I appreciate your concern and I care about you more than I've ever cared about anyone. But, I just don't...

Don't. Don't do it. Please. Natsuki. Don't give voice to a lie. I couldn't bear it. Not when we both know the truth. Just admit it. To me. To yourself. Don't you think I can see it in your eyes? Even now, when you're trying so hard to deny it, I can feel your love for me. You NEED me Natsuki. I know this may sound cliché to you but, we were meant to be together.

NO! No Shizuru. I'm sorry. But you're wrong. I...don't love you, Shizuru. At least, not in the way that you want me to love you.

I don't believe you! You're a liar! Natsuki, please!

I don't want to hurt you Shizuru. But sooner or later you have to come to the realization that you and I, we were NOT meant to be together.

It's a lie! You're just too much of a coward to admit the truth. Natsuki, there's no shame in admitting that you love another person. It doesn't make you weak to need someone. It only makes you stronger. But even if it did make one weak, then I would gladly wear the title as the weakest person in this world, just to have you by my side...forever.

You live in a fantasy world, Shizuru.

What's wrong with that? Where is the harm in wanting to live in a world where loving a person and having them love you back...

Because it's NEVER going to happen between us!

How do you know? I mean, how can you say that with so much certainty? You haven't even given yourself a chance to get used to the fact that I have these types of feelings for you. If you'd just...

Please! I've known how you felt about me for YEARS Shizuru! And I knew...even then...that I did not, nor ever could return your feelings! If I did, don't you think I would've acted on them when I first found out the truth?

You...you've known? You knew how I felt about you...all this time and yet...you never...

What did you want me to say? Gee Shizuru-san, I can tell by the way that you look at me with those sultry, crimson eyes that you'd like to get to know me better. MUCH better. But, I'm not really into girl on girl action, so thanks but no thanks. Wanna go get a cup of tea with me after school though? Is that what you would've liked me to say?

Must you be so cold, Natsuki?

I'm not trying to be cold. Just honest.

LIAR! You cheapen and degrade feelings that you yourself have...for me. You're just too afraid to admit that you need me. To admit that you love me.

The only thing I'm afraid of is that you'll end up embarrassing the both of us if you can't pull yourself out of this delusional world you're living in.

Embarrass you? Is that all you're worried about? Your reputation at this school?

No. That's not what I meant. I only meant...

Don't bother explaining Natsuki. It would probably be another lie anyway.

Shizuru. I'm sorry. I'm truly very sorry, but, I will never...feel the same way about you. This unrequited love you have for me will remain just that.

I had to try, one final time, to give you this last chance at...being honest with me...at being honest with yourself. You understand, right? Shizuru Fujino is not a quitter. You're the one who quit, Natsuki. You quit on me, on us!

Yeah. I understand. And you. You understand...what I've been telling you as well. Right? I mean, come on, we can still be friends. All these years we've been nothing if not friends. That's better than nothing, right?

You, offer me the consolation prize of your friendship with one hand while the blood of my heart that you've just refused drips from the fingers of your other hand?

What? Don't be so dramatic. Hey, Shizuru. I'm sorry, please...please don't cry.

Get your hands OFF ME! You do NOT get to comfort nor hold me when it was you who hurt me to begin with. Just, get away from me Natsuki.

I'm sorry Shizuru. God, I wish I could...

You still don't get it, do you. You wish for something that's already yours. You do love me! You need me more than you yet know. You just refuse to admit it. You'd rather live strapped in chains to a lie, than live your life of untethered freedom that the truth would grant you. So save your wishes Natsuki. Save them for a time when realization finally penetrates that frozen chunk of ice you call a heart. Just know this one thing before I go, when the fires of truth FINALLY melt that ice, I will not be there to greet you with open arms.

Shizuru...

I...I love you, Natsuki Kuga. I would do anything for you, in this life as well as any other. But the one thing I can not nor WILL NOT ever do, is love you out of pity. And that is all that you have left me with. Take care of yourself...my Natsuki. I hope that one day...you realize the depth of our loss and the possibilities of what could have been. You can at least take comfort in that. Unfortunately, our time will be lost. It will be too late. Too late.

Please don't cry anymore! Wait...Shizuru! Stop. Don't leave! Come back!

"Don't leave me, Shizuru! I need you. Oh God, I LOVE you...Shizuru!" Natsuki lifted her head, tears wetting the corners of her eyes, as the flame of the words she'd just shouted in the solitude of her apartment reached the center of her chest, melting in the thaw of a lie revealed, the ice holding her truest heart prisoner.

What kind of blind fool I've been! she thought wildly, a sense of fear laced joy spreading outwards from her heart, burning away the denial she had wrapped around herself since the death of her mother. She had refused to allow herself to love, living her life all these years trapped in the memory of a pain caused by the feeling of being hurt when her mother had died, leaving her alone; with no choice. She had never wanted to feel that helpless, heartbreaking pain again and so to prevent it, she had refused to let anyone inside her heart. Choosing to live alone, cultivating the garden of ice she had buried her heart in until it was so thick that even the warmth of another person's confession of love could not break through the protective barrier.

Shizuru!

Natsuki hadn't spoken with her since that night. Not that she'd tried really. Haruka had brought the news to her, though, that Shizuru had pulled out of Fuuka University to return home to Kyoto and enrolled in a fashion design school there. That was the last she'd heard of any news concerning her friend.

My friend, she moaned desperately. God, I was a such a bitch to her. When she needed me most, I turned away from her. I pushed her away. Fuck me, I'm such a self-centered ass! Wiping the tears from her eyes, she grabbed her cellphone. She'd call her. Like Mai advocated she do earlier. She and Shizuru could have a Christmas Eve reunion. Yes! And then...then she would work to somehow make everything between them alright. Surely Shizuru would listen to her explanation. Surely she would accept her apology. It wasn't too late. It was never too late to admit that one was at fault and right a wrong! She yanked the phone back out of her jacket pocket, fingers trembling as she thumbed through the few contact info she had stored on her phone until she found Shizuru's name. Taking a deep breath, she hit dial. And waited for the sound of Shizuru's voice.

The sound that greeted her caused her heart to stop. Instead of the sound of the girl's voice she frantically wanted to hear, she received instead a modulated female voice stating that the number she had dialed had been disconnected or was no longer in service. "What the fuck?" she muttered, clearing the call and carefully hitting Shizuru's number again. Maybe she'd hit the wrong button in her excitement. But the same message greeted her second attempt at reaching Shizuru.

Natsuki dropped the phone onto the coffee table with useless fingers. It clattered against the side of the ashtray, knocking it over on its side, spilling ashes onto the table top and rug beneath it. Realization of what this meant was instantaneous and brutal. She didn't want me trying to get in touch with her after that night, she thought heavily as a feeling of numbness seeped into her body, seeped into her blood, working its way into her heart. Shizuru had apparently changed her number or either blocked her phone from accepting any call from Natsuki's cellphone. The knowledge that Shizuru had transferred to another school had hurt, a little, but Natsuki had, at the time, thought it merely a temporary thing. She had foolishly believed that her best friend would return after a cooling off period. What she hadn't counted on was the finality of that one act. It was clear now that Shizuru had effectively severed all ties with her when she moved back to Kyoto. The message finally hit home as Natsuki tried one last time to get Shizuru's phone, punching in the girl's numbers one by one just to make sure she had the correct number. The moment she heard the same recorded voice, Natsuki canceled the call, a look of confused pain canvasing her face.

"What did you expect?" she asked herself mournfully, her heartbreak combined with the effects of the three beers she'd had working to make her head feel as if was stuffed with cotton, a wave of dizziness closing in on her. "What did I expect?" she asked again louder, standing up, walking unsteadily towards the Christmas tree Mai and Mikoto had forced upon her. "Did I expect to just...call her out of the blue five months later on a Christmas Eve and have the past miraculously erased like some fucking miracle?" The lights of the tree blurred in her vision as her eyes began to water. Dropping heavily to her knees in front of the tree, Natsuki Kuga let the grief and sorrow of her loneliness embrace her once again. Alone.

A gust of wind whipped an icy spattering of frozen snow against the window and she shivered, wrapping her arms around herself. No use sitting in the floor and catching a cold from the draft, she thought dully, barely noticing the tears staining her cheeks as she put her hands on the floor and slowly pushed herself up. That was when she saw the slip of paper lying beside her fingers. Picking it up, she opened it, trying to press the wrinkles out from when she'd wadded it up into a ball and tossed it here.

Speak truth to dispel the lie lived.
Believe.
The Spirit of Christmas is upon you.

The words seemed to strike a resonating chord within her thudding heart. Standing up, she held the paper clutched in one hand and closed her eyes. Speak truth to dispel the lie lived. "I lied to Shizuru that night five months ago. I knew it for a lie even as I spoke it. I was t-too much of a coward to tell her the truth. The truth that I needed her. The truth that...I loved her. More than anyone else in my sad, pathetic life, she was the one that brought me happiness. Her smile, her laughter. Even her stupid teasing. I miss it. I miss HER. I wish I could go back...to that night...and change it all. To take my pain away. To keep her from feeling any more pain. Pain caused by my lies. I believe we would have been good for one another. I believe she was my salvation. Without her, I am more lost than I have ever been in my life."

Natsuki's breath hitched in her chest as she knelt back down in front of the Christmas tree, her head bowed as if in prayer, uttering words she never thought she would hear herself say. Believing in something she had tried for years to deny. "I love you Shizuru. I always have. One day, I hope you can forgive me. And then...maybe then...I can also forgive myself for living trapped in a lie of my own design." And as the wind howled in a sympathetic moan, Natsuki wept.