Chapter 2 – OR - The Invasion of the Vegetables

"Arrgh, Chichi, I be going to Capn' Roshi's isle!" Goku hopped down the stairs. "It's Talk Like a Pirate Day!"

It was only through patience built up from years of putting up with this sort of nonsense that Chichi restrained herself from sighing. "Of course it's Talk Like a Pirate Day. There's always something," Chichi released a slow breath. "I hate to let that pervert near Hana, but you're going to have to take her with you."

"Well, feed two gold doubloons to a parrot, it's me lucky day!" Goku vibrated with excitement. "Hana will love meeting Turtle, and Roshi, and Krillin, and Bulma and…"

"That's lovely, Goku," Chichi gathered her bag. "Well, I need to be off. Dad's bungled a peace treaty and I need to stop a war over a pig and stinky marsh. Again."

"Landlubbers," Goku shook his head disappointedly.

Chichi chuckled. "Breakfast is on the counter," Chichi opened the door. "And make sure Hana brushes her teeth."

"Ar, there be no scurvy on this ship," Goku promised. There was a small pattering of feet.

"Are you leaving, mom?" Hana asked, her eyes bleary.

"Yes, honey," Chichi gave her daughter a quick kiss on the head. "The Ox-king was being a bit ox-headed."

"Oh," Hana yawned. "Grandpa was being silly."

"Arr," pirated Goku.

"Precisely, dear," Chichi smiled. "Well, I love you Hana, and you too, Goku, even when you are a dastardly pirate."

"G'bye mom!" Hana hugged the woman's leg. "I love you too!"

"The lass be in good hands," Goku assured his wife, picking up Hana.

Chichi gave Goku a swift kiss, hugged Hana, and left to solve the diplomatic debacle.

"Is she gone?" Hana asked.

"Aye, lassie," Goku grinned. "We can now claim the booty from our pig thieving."

"You're a bad influence, dad," Hana chuckled.

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The setting was beautiful – the sun shining, mountains dotting the horizon and flowers blooming amidst the crops. It was positively idyllic.

Raditz hated it.

"You had one f***ingjob, Kakkarot," the burly Saiyan grumbled. "Turn this backwater planet into a living hell." The pants-less alien kicked a flower. "You better have one hell of an explanation."

Raditz flew in the direction of the nearest significant power level.

…

"Look, I might be green," Picollo snarled. "But that does not give you the right to call me a vegetable. And certainly not a carrot!"

Raditz flew away, grumbling under his breath about stupid slug-people wasting his time.

Picollo heard him. Like hell would he let some spiky-haired alien call him a slug.

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"Aargh!" greeted Master Roshi.

"Ahoy!" responded Krillin.

"I really need to make some new friends," sighed Bulma.

"Aye, that ya do, lassie," Krillin nodded knowingly.

"Shut up, Krillin," Bulma sat down with a thud.

"Yes, Bulma," Krillin gulped.

…

"Hey Dad?" Hana asked.

"Aye?" Goku turned to face his daughter.

"Why do you need to go to Master Roshi's to celebrate Talk Like a Pirate Day?" Hana asked.

"I lost a bet."

"But then why does everyone else come?"

"It was a really big bet," Goku extended his arms for emphasis.

"You know, dad," Hana laid back on Nimbus. "I was a bit nervous about meeting your friends. But now I'm absolutely certain that they are all just as weird as you! There's absolutely nothing to be scared of at the Kamé house!"

…

Hana was terrified. There was a real space pirate at the Kamé house – and he wasn't there to celebrate Talk Like a Pirate Day. The space pirate had a mane of spiky dark hair that extended past his winged armor-underwear. The space pirate wasn't wearing any pants, which Hana thought was terribly unfair – she wasn't allowed outside without putting her pants on, or else Mom would nab her.

Hana frowned – maybe the space pirate didn't have a mom to tell him to put his pants on.

She would have asked the space pirate this pressing question – but the malevolence in his eyes frightened her. His eyes were angry, and hard, and not in the way Mom's eyes sometime flare. Mom yelled a lot, sure, but that was different. The space pirate, though – his gaze was disdainful, wrathful.

Hana had read those words before, in her stories, but never before had she seen a person who those words belonged to. She clung to her Dad's gi, trembling.

…

"Wait, so I'm a carrot?" Goku asked.

"No," Raditz growled. "Your name is Kakarrot, and you are a Saiyan."

"You're saying what now?" Goku blithely goaded the alien. He needed time to plan.

"Not saying, you ignorant fool," Raditz seethed. "A Saiyan."

"I don't think I want to assail anything," Goku frowned. Raditz's power was enormous – it radiated off of the alien in seeping waves, like a bad smell.

"Gods, Kakarrot," Raditz brought a meaty hand to his forehead. "Sai – yan. Say it with me."

"Say – ing," Goku deliberately mispronounced. Goku knew this confrontation would end in a fight. Probably to the death. Goku also knew that Hana couldn't be here when that fight began. There was no way in hell Goku would let an overgrown Radish lay a hand on his daughter.

Raditz roared in frustration. "My brother, one of the last of our race, and this is what I find – a worthless, weak, simpleton of a farce. Can you do anything right, Kakarrot?"

"I'm pretty sure I'm not a carrot, Radish," Goku tapped his finger on his cheek. "I've eaten lots of carrots, though." Goku sensed another strong energy level approaching at high speed. Picollo.

"It is pronounced, Raditz, imbecile," the alien snarled.

"If you say so, Radish," Goku blinked dumbly. He wondered vaguely why Raditz hadn't already punched out his lights. The alien must have an incredible tolerance for nonsense.

…

Meanwhile, on a soon to be obliterated planet…

"Ah – Chooo" a mustachioed Saiyan sneezed explosively.

"Dammit, Nappa!" a flame-haired Saiyan spat venomously. "You've given away our position!"

Nappa pouted, shoving his flappy bottom lip out. "You're supposed to bless me! Now I'll die a slow and painful death." A flock of armored insects swarmed the simian pair.

"If only you would," Vegeta growled, punching through the thorax of his attacker, leaving the head to topple off as the insectoid bled orange juices.

"I think you might have some pent up aggression, Vegeta," Nappa nodded wisely. "You should take some Pilates classes – I hear it does wonders for your temper."

Vegeta kicked an insectoid attacker directly above the stinger. "There is no way in hell I will ever take Pilates," Vegeta snarled. The stinger exploded out of the rear of the insect, impaling two of its comrades. "And I do NOT have ANGER MANAGEMENT PROBLEMS!" He tore another insectoid asunder with his bare hands.

"I know what your problem is," Nappa raised his hand into the air triumphantly. "You must be sexually frustrated!"

"F*** you, Nappa," Vegeta viciously tore the wings from an insectoid. "F*** you straight to hell."

"I'm flattered, Vegeta," Nappa demurred. "But I don't see you that way."

"Raargh!" Vegeta blasted the remaining insectoids until nothing remained but ash and refuse. "One day, Nappa, I am going to kill you."

"That's nice, Vegeta," Nappa groomed his mustache.

"I hate you," Vegeta growled tiredly. "Raditz, report."

"God, Vegeta," Raditz sighed. "Kakarrot is almost as bad as Nappa."

"Kill him," Vegeta ordered, without any hesitation.

"Gladly," Raditz replied. "There's nothing of value on this dump of a planet."

"Hey," a whiney voice pierced Vegeta's ears, even galaxies away. "What about the Dragon Balls, the seven magical balls that together can grant any wish!"

"Any wish?" Raditz asked slowly.

"That's right!" the voice continued gladly, as if happy to feel important for once. "You can wish people back from the dead, heal any injury, even gain immortality!"

"Raditz, get those Dragon Balls," Vegeta ordered, his mind racing with the possibilities. "I will be there soon."

"Yes, sir!" Raditz agreed.

Vegeta smiled. If he gained immortality, he wouldn't have any need for Nappa anymore. Eternal bliss could be his.

…

Back on Earth…

Bulma whacked Krillin in the head viciously.

"Hey, what'd you do that for, Bulma?" Krillin complained, rubbing the sore spot.

Bulma whacked him again. "Because you're an idiot. And now that hunk of alien muscle is going to call all of his musclely alien friends over here to claim our all-powerful dragon balls!"

"Oh," Krillin said in a quiet voice.

"I'll make this simple for you," Raditz folded his arms imperiously. "Hand over the Dragonballs, or you, and everyone you love, will die in excruciating pain."

"Hana has one on her hat!" Krillin yelped, then clapped his hands over his mouth.

"Nimbus, now!" Goku sprang into action. He swiftly picked Hana up and tossed her onto the speeding cloud. He would have tried to save Bulma or Master Roshi in a similar manner as well, but he wasn't certain they could ride the finicky cloud. Goku settled into a fighting stance, and faced the hairy alien.

"Brother or not, I will never let you destroy this planet, Radish."

…

Picollo had plans for the Earth. He needed to rule the planet, and all of its people, with an iron fist. And there was no way some pants-less buffoon was going to stop him from bringing his plans to fruition – even if it did mean teaming up with Goku.

…

"Get on already!"

"Do you really think we're all going to fit on your scooter, Bulma?"

"If we don't you're the first one I'll kick off, you stupid loudmouth!"

…

Goku flipped backwards, dodging another barrage of kicks from his brother, and landed heavily in a fighting stance. He raised his arms over his head protectively – this was a fight he couldn't win alone.

"You're pathetic, Kakarrot," Raditz mocked, uninjured despite the many blows Goku had landed on him. "This planet has made you weak. It will be a mercy for me to rid this glorified ball of dirt of all of its sniveling inhabitants."

"Like hell you will," Picollo rocketed into the Saiyan, explosively kicking him in the face. "The only weirdo that will ever rule this planet is me." Dammit, that could have been phrased better, Picollo cursed to himself. Years of isolations don't help in the creation of witty one-liners.

"Uh, Picollo, you know you just…" Goku began.

"Shut it, Goku," Picollo grunted. "Just be glad I'm helping."

"Right," Goku nodded. The new allies charged the Saiyan warrior.

…

"Nimbus, stop," commanded Hana. The magical cloud obeyed.

Though Hana had by no means mastered the technique, Goku had begun to teach her ki sensing. He said the secret was concentration.

Hana needed to focus. The little girl removed her hat and gingerly placed it, and the dragonball it carried, on Nimbus. She folded her legs and sank into a meditative pose. The only sounds were the gentle lull of the ocean – the air was completely still.

Hana found her own ki first, and found comfort in its steady presence. She felt the nebulous energy of Nimbus, and the subtle energies of the ocean and its residents. Hana extended her focus farther, seeking the bubbly fire of her father's ki. He was nearby, but his ki burned low, like a sputtering flame instead of the usual healthy hearth. There were two other large ki energies near Goku's, one burning cold, the other… conflicted.

Hana didn't concern herself with them. Her dad was in trouble.

"Nimbus, take me to my dad," Hana requested. "But… covertly."

…

"How long does that attack take to charge, again?" Goku asked weakly, before being kneed in the stomach. He flipped over himself and caught himself just before landing in the ocean.

"Five minutes," Picollo growled.

"What's the point of an attack that takes five minutes to charge?" Goku demanded. "That seems like a bit of a tactical flaw." Raditz kicked him in the head.

"Take it or leave it," Picollo spat.

"Ow," Goku struggled to pick himself back up. Raditz walked over to the fallen warrior menacingly, a smirk playing across his wide lips.

"You could have been so much more than this, Kakarrot," Raditz kicked Goku in the side. "You could have been great!" Raditz kicked Goku once more, hurling him into the porch of the Kamé house. "But you chose to be a sympathetic weakling."

"What a pity," Raditz raised an arm to blast Goku into dust.

Hana sprung from behind the Kamé house, and punched the smirk off of Raditz's face, then followed up that blow with a series of furious kicks and blows. Hana aimed to strike in areas unguarded by the thick armor the Saiyan wore. She felt strong, and mad, and she wanted to do nothing more than make the Saiyan pay for hurting her dad and scaring her friends.

"You know what's a pity?" Hana pulled an arm back. "Having a homicidal alien for an uncle." She broke his nose.

Raditz staggered back, stunned. That power level – it's impossible! She was barely stronger than the earthlings before but now… The reading on his scouter was tipping over 1,000. Shit.

…

That's my girl, thought Goku dazedly.

…

That kid's barely taller than my knee! Picollo thought, equally parts annoyed and outraged.

…

Hana followed through by flipping over Raditz's back and yanking on his hair, landing with a thud and whacking his tail in the process.

Raditz yowled in pain, but recovered quickly. "You'll pay for that!" He yelled, and kicked the tiny girl viciously.

Hana collided with the Kamé house with an audible thud, and lay there, dazed. The strength she felt before faded, and Hana felt a dull ache in her chest. She tried to move, but every movement felt like fire in her veins. One tear after another fell, and Hana began to wail.

She had failed.

…

Goku couldn't be more proud, and even as his limbs shuddered in agony a grin split his face. His little girl had just socked an alien in the nose – never mind that the alien was his brother. And now, Goku had a plan.

Which was good, because Raditz had hell to pay. Brother or no, no one could get away with hurting his little girl. Making her cry. And looking happy about it.

"You ready, Picollo," Goku asked, false cheer coloring his voice.

"Yes," the demon responded. "But I'll need a clear shot."

Goku nodded his understanding, and sprung into combat with renewed energy. Goku lured Raditz into a series of offensive kicks and punches, and though the blows were terrible, they were not strong enough to knock Goku from the fight. Raditz pulled back for a finishing strike, and Goku took the chance to dodge behind the Saiyan and seize his tail with one hand, wrapping his other arm around the Saiyan's neck.

"Now!" Goku ordered.

"But I'll…" Picollo hesitated. Sure, he wanted to kill Goku, but honorably.

"Just do it!" Goku hollered. "We won't get another chance." Raditz writhed violently in Goku's grasp, yelling obscenities.

…

Hana gathered herself, and stood up. The pain wasn't so bad, once she got used to it. She toddled hesitantly over the ruins of the porch, and leant against a pole to observe the battle.

Her dad had Raditz locked against him, and he was yelling at Picollo. Hana looked with wonder at Picollo – even without meditating, she could sense an incredible amount of ki energy emanating from him.

"Fine!" Hana heard Picollo spit. "Special Beam Cannon!" An intense wave of light and energy shot out of Picollo's hands like a bullet, piercing the hearts of first Raditz, then Goku.

Raditz's corpse fell to the sand, forgotten. Goku fell more slowly, and Hana eyes widened and stomach plummeted as she saw her dad's broken body strike the gritty sand.

Hana's throat tightened, and she stumbled through the sand to reach her father. "D-dad," the child croaked, kneeling next to her father's torso.

Somehow, the Saiyan was still alive. He achingly tilted his head and smiled at his daughter. "I'm so proud," he mouthed, though hardly any sound passed his lips. His body gave one last shudder, until at last his soul was forced into the otherworld, leaving only a broken body behind.

Hana sobbed, burying her head into her father's neck.

…

"Well, that's one for the bucket list," Picollo muttered drily to himself.

[Picollo's Bucket List:

Kill Son Goku ✓

Rule Planet

Piss off Kami]

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