Summary: Somebody has a very cruel sense of humor when it comes to Christmas gifts... Pity Cloud and Tifa! PITY THEM!

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I don't own the song in its original form. I do, however, own this new version of it! NEWSFLASH: Akalara's mine, Kandi's AmazonTurk's, and Nilto's MysticSpiritus'.

Queen's Quornor: Here's verse two...and the most lovable doofuses in Advent Children! Oh, don't look at me like that, guys. You were still kickass!!! This fic does share elements with previous fics of mine (and Amazon's), but really, it's meant to be independent of our mostly-canon timeline. This fic is purely ridiculous humor! And I have discovered something interesting: I do not have a problem writing post-FFVII Cloud, but I have an issue with writing pre-Nibelheim Cloud. How bizzare is this? Well, maybe not that bizzare. I also can't write Aerith very well. Maybe I just have a problem with getting inside the head of somebody more innocent than I?

Day Two

On the second day of Yuletide, someone evil sent to me...

"Tifa! You're going to have to get that!" Cloud shouted down the stairs. "I leave now and you'll never see your jewelry again!"

Tifa sighed and left the laundry room, knowing full well why her best friend and secret crush was unable to abandon his post upstairs. Yuffie was still suffering the aftereffects of the Cetran liquor she had guzzled yesterday, as well as the beginnings of the worst hangover either the swordsman or the bartender had ever seen, but that did not mean she was lying in bed moaning about it, like most people. Quite the contrary: Yuffie had to be watched every second, lest she steal something valuable. Cloud had already stopped her from swiping their materia four times last night alone, and Tifa had found that the ninja was not adverse to taking shiney objects in her drunken state; this unhappy circumstance had been unveiled when she had dragged Yuffie into the bathroom for a cold shower this morning, and various pieces of her and Cloud's jewelry, monogrammed pens, and silverware came bouncing out onto the floor.

Thanks to some new friends of hers in the Turks, namely Kandi and Akalara and Nilto, Tifa knew that an Esuna spell could cure someone of a hangover, or even the effects of alcohol while it was still fresh in the blood. Trouble was, their Heal materia was the first one to disappear, and neither she nor Cloud had been able to find it yet. They had no idea where Yuffie could possibly have hidden the thing.

As she approached the door, Tifa was suddenly overwhelmed with a horrible sense of foreboding. She did not want to open that door, did not want to know what was on the other side.

Wondering where the feeling had come from, she didn't know. It was quickly shaken off and the martial artist opened the door.

She should have listened to her gut feeling.

Reno and Rude stood outside the door. Well, not exactly; the two Turks had been boxed up. Literally. Somebody had put them both in enormous cardboard boxes covered with shiney wrapping paper and ribbons, with holes for their heads to stick out the top. There were even store-bought ribbons stuck onto the tops of their heads, green for Reno, gold for Rude. Both semi-disembodied heads lolled at her as she rubbed her eyes to make sure she wasn't seeing things.

"Hey, Boobsh!" Reno slurred. "How'd you get all the way out..." He searched for the word, wracking his brains for a second. "...here?"

Rude merely stared at her. Even though he was wearing the everpresent sunglasses, she could tell his gaze was locked directly on her breasts. Tifa sighed; not only were the daring duo boxed up like presents, they were also drunk.

There was a tag on each box. She took the one from Rude's and read it.

Yuletide Greetings to my Dearest Friends! The Redhead is for the Woman's use, and the Bald One is for the Man's.

She visibly recoiled. Reno and Rude had been boxed up for... "Who did this to you?"

"Jusht shome guy. Didn' shee facsh." Reno's head dropped forward, resting against the box tiredly. "Gave ush lostsha beer, though."

Tifa felt a migraine coming on. Somebody had hogtied Yuffie yesterday and delivered her to their door, and now boxed up Reno and Rude and gotten them shit-faced drunk. Whoever was doing this knew exactly how to take his prey by surprise; a ninja and two experienced Turks would not be kidnapped very easily.

Inwardly vowing to buy a security camera for the front of her bar today, Tifa got behind the two boxes and pushed them through the door one at a time. Reno and Rude couldn't be allowed out on the streets like this. They would have to sleep it off first, or at least wait until Tifa could call their respective girlfriends (or rather, Rude's and one of Reno's) and tell them to come pick up their men.

It was a good thing Barret had taken Marlene and Denzel for a few days. Things would only be that much more hectic with two kids, two smashed Turks, and one hungover, kleptomaniacal ninja in the same house. Plus, their absence meant that there were two extra beds for Reno and Rude to sleep off the booze in.

"Tifa? Who was at the door?" Cloud yelled, hearing her kick the door shut.

"Our secret gift-giver has struck again!" she called back. "Could you tie Yuffie to the bed or something and come down here? I need some help getting these two out of their boxes!"

...Two drunk Turks, and a clumsy little thieving brat.