TITLE: "Mr. Mom" (2/8)

RATING: AA
CHARACTERS: Piper and the gang

SUMMARY: Keegan comes home

POV: Toby

FOLLOWS: Keegan

**3**

"How can you laugh at that? It was humiliating."

CJ's face was a pinkish shade as she continued to laugh at my expense. "I'm sorry honey. It's just that I can actually picture you reciting the alphabet."

"Ha ha. Laugh it up you sick individual," I said rising to place my empty dish into the dishwasher. CJ handed me hers and I placed it underneath my own.

"I would have given anything to see that. I would have paid good money."

"I think this side of you should have been revealed before I was forced into saying I do." CJ slapped my thigh as I walked past her to the table.

"I think Santa should have brought you a sense of humour rather than that stupid X-Box you pleaded for."

"That was more for Sam and Josh than it was for me."

"Yeah. That's why you're on it before and after they arrive. Admit it, you're a strange little man."

"I didn't hear you calling it little before," I teased grinning.

CJ was about to respond but I guess she though twice about it. The doorbell rang and then Keegan began to cry. "I'll take the door," I offered. She was already on her way to the baby.

"I can gets it Daddy," Piper told me as we walked into the living room.

"That sounds good to me pumpkin," I lifted Piper up so she could see through the peep hole.

"Yeah! It's Nana Abbey."

I opened the door and sure enough there was Abbey standing there wearing her usual cheery smile whenever Piper was around. "Hello there sweetie," Abbey greeted my daughter. I got a stiff, "Toby," as she entered.

"What brings you to these neck of the woods Abbey?"

"I come bringing a nanny just as I promised."

I looked outside before I closed the door and then back at Abbey. I shoved my hands inside my pockets, "Okay I give where is she?"

"In due time my dear. In due time."

"Nana Abbey does you want to play with me. I's got a new paint set."

"Oh sweetie Nana can't right now. How about I take a rain cheque?"

"Okay," Piper said simply.

"It's time you started getting ready for bed anyway Piper. So give Nana Abbey a goodnight kiss," I instructed.

Piper gave Abbey a kiss and a hug and then said to me, "Don't forgets to get my monies off of her. Mommy can cash it tomorrow." Then she scooted up the stairs yelling for CJ.

Abbey and I both laughed, "I don't think she understood what a rain cheque was," I said on Piper's behalf.

"That's alright. You can afford to give her a few bucks on my behalf," Abbey winked at me.

CJ came down the stairs looking tired. "I'll tell you one thing. That boy has a good set of lungs on him."

"Is he asleep?" I asked. CJ sat on the seat beside me and I placed my arm around her shoulders.

"With some help from God he is. Piper's getting her pajama's on. I told her she could play with the dogs in her room until we came up to say goodnight."

I nodded my approval. "Well," Abbey said getting started. "As you both know I have been looking for a suitable candidate to take the place of CJ during the day so that she could work."

"You couldn't possibly have found someone already?" I asked with a tad bit of fear in my voice.

"I move fast Toby," Abbey confessed.

"Well don't keep me in suspense. Who is this sucker and how much do they want?"

"Toby," CJ said giving me one her famous jabs to my ribs.

"What?"

"Did you have to use the word sucker? These are our children. They're not monsters you know."

I didn't answer CJ. I concentrated on Abbey, "So who is she?"

"Actually Toby it's a he."

"A he? As in a he he?"

"Do they come any other way?" Abbey countered.

"Are you suggesting we place a man in our home?" I directed to CJ.

"Not just any man Toby. A very responsible man."

"Responsible my ass. I'm not paying to have a man here. Nope forget it."

"He comes free," Abbey reported.

"Okay I've heard enough," I stood up. "Deal is definitely off. No way, no how. No!"

"The deal was that as long as Piper and I approved whomever Abbey chose was acceptable," CJ said giving me one of her nasty looks.

"That was before she planned to put some perverted freebie in our home," I spat as I paced.

"Toby give me some damn credit. I am a mother you know. It's not like I picked the first guy off of the street."

"There you see Toby," CJ said.

"It was more like the third," Abbey said smiling.

"Oh I feel much better now," I replied.

"Well I approve," CJ responded.

I turned to CJ, "You what? How can you approve? You don't even know who it is for Christ's sake."

"Yes I do," she said proudly.

"Oh yeah Mrs. Smarty Pants then who is it? Huh?"

"It's you," Abbey said for CJ.

"Yeah that's what I-" I stopped. "What?"

"We have all decided that CJ should come back to work and you will be the one to take her place," Abbey explained.

"You can't do that. I have a job to do."

"So do I," CJ argued.

"But mine is important." Oh boy. Shouldn't have said that. Atleast not out loud. Maybe she didn't notice. I looked down at CJ. Yep, she noticed. She's giving me that glare now.

"I'm sorry," CJ said lightly. "Did you just say that your job is more important than mine? You didn't just say that right?"

"It slipped."

The pillow that I thought looked horrible on our couch looked even worse as it flew by my head. "Sorry about that," CJ said calmly. "It slipped."

"Look Toby," Abbey began. "The President has agreed to allow you to work from home so that you can be with the children and CJ can return. He can't have Bruno running the Press anymore. He's worse than Josh."

"Let me ask you something Abbey. Since when did you start pimping for your husband?"

"Toby!" CJ yelled surprised at what I had asked.

"That's okay CJ. I candle him," Abbey said. "I am doing Jed a favour. And as your friend I thought it best you hear it from me rather than him. Trust me Toby, the way I'm saying it is a hell of a lot nicer than Jed would."

She no doubt had a good point there. "Besides you were the one with the big mouth bragging about how you could do your work from your bed," Abbey pointed out.

There's me and my big mouth getting into trouble for what seemed to be the hundredth time this week. "So what, am I supposed to hold meetings with Senators and Congressmen over Keegan's change table?"

"Oh Toby don't be so dramatic. You're nostrils get all flared up," CJ warned, grinning at the same time.

"CJ don't make me do this. I can't take care of them," I motioned upstairs to where our kids were.

"Excuse me? Don't make you? You are their father Toby."

"Really Toby. There's nobody else more qualified than yourself. And you meet all of your own requirements so it's perfect," Abbey chimed in from the none of your business section of our home.

"The President can't be serious about this?"

"Why not? You can contact everyone you need to by fax, phone or email. You can take part in any conference calls and we've got that stupid web cam you wanted so bad," CJ pointed out.

I took a deep breath. This was insane. Me stay at home? Alone with two kids, what are they thinking? "CJ, you know how hard it was for me with Piper when I first had her."

"Yes I do Toby. And I recall how great you were with her. You managed didn't you? Besides, it's not like you can't call me if you get into any trouble here and there."

Here and there, who was she kidding? It was going to be more like here, here and everywhere. I looked at the two women who were quite content with the decision that had been made without me and realized I had lost long before I had even started.

"Fine," I gave in.

"Great then it's settled. I'll go home and tell Jed," Abbey grabbed her purse and prepared to leave. CJ and she chatted at the door before she finally left.

"I can't believe you did this behind my back," I confronted my wife.

"I didn't do this behind your back Toby. But when Abbey mentioned it I thought it was a great idea. Especially when you called me again after the previous 9 times before that. Obviously there was a part of you that wanted to be here."

"Yeah but with you too."

"Toby I would never put Piper and Keegan in jeopardy. They will always come first. But I have a job to do that I enjoy. So if I have a chance to do that and know at the same time that they will be safe and well taken care of, then I'm going to take it."

CJ gave me a kiss on the lips and started up the stairs, "I've got to get Piper into bed. Are you coming?"

"Yeah," I mumbled. As I followed CJ upstairs I said, "Don't think you're getting any good snacks from me in your lunch?"

**4**

Keegan finally fell back to sleep at twenty after six. I stumbled blindly towards my bedroom and flopped onto my bed. The sheets that were once warm had become cool while I was up feeding the baby.

I wrapped the comforter around my body and rolled over sealing myself in its warmth. Ahh, this was good. I didn't fight with my eyelids that were slowly forcing themselves shut. I drifted off.

There was a bounce on my bed and then I felt my daughter jump onto my back screeching, "Daddy daddy wake up. Wake up!"

"It's still early. Go back to bed," I managed to grumble.

"No it's feeding time. I is awake and I is starving," she responded rolling further onto my back and giving me a nudge.

"Piper daddy is exhausted. How about you let me get some more sleep?"

"But I is awake NOW."

I untucked myself from my blankets and quickly turned around making Piper jump back. I didn't scare her she was used to this part. I grabbed her by her side and tucked her onto my chest and threw the blankets back over, sealing us in.

"I've got you," I whispered.

"Is you going to makes me goes back to sleep again?"

I looked into Piper's eyes and grinned, "Yep."

She rolled her eyes back at me, "Oh I hates this part. I isn't sleepy anymore."

"Pretend," I said almost pleading.

"I'll try but I cants promise anything," she laid her head back down on my chest.

She fell back asleep with me for almost two hours. "Daddy?"

"Hmm?" I was still half asleep.

"I can't sleeps anymore. The Sandman left his crumbs and now its time for me to get up."

Piper had asked Josh one day why there was always crusty stuff in her eyes when she woke up. His response was that the Sandman sits on your eyelids during the night to help keeps your eyelids closed so you could sleep.

And while on his lunch break the messy Sandman would drop crumbs from his food onto your eyes. That was how you knew you had a good night's rest. Ever since then she's been convinced the story was true.

CJ and I didn't see any harm in allowing her to believe that. Who were we to judge when we lied through our teeth about Santa Claus and the tooth fairy?

"I'm stuck," Piper grunted while trying to get out of the blankets. "I cants….get…..out," she gave a good shove and broke free leaving me exposed and cold. A habit I was beginning to get accustomed to between her and CJ.

"Alright," I said stretching and yawning. "I'm getting up."

"Good because I am still starving," Piper jumped off of the bed and was about to break away downstairs.

"Brush your teeth and wash your face first," I called out probably making her stop in her tracks at the top of the stairs.

"Why?" she whined. "I'm only going to dirty them when I eat."

"Then when you're done eating you'll just have to clean them again," I answered getting out of bed. I grabbed my robe and stepped into my slippers and followed behind her as she walked into the bathroom.

I brushed my teeth and washed my face and then kicked her out so I could use the washroom. By the time I got downstairs she was already watching the Teletubbies.

"What shall it be today?" I asked as I got the coffee maker prepared.

"Fruit Loops," she answered with excitement.

I nodded my approval and went to the cupboard, "Fruit Loops it is then." Only when I looked inside the cupboard there was none to be found. "Ah Piper we don't have any Fruit Loops."

"But I wants Fruit Loops."

"I know you do sweetie. But we don't have them. How about some Captain Crunch?"

"I doesn't like Captmin Crunch."

"Okay let's not panic," I replied. I started to whistle as I roamed the cupboards. We got back the day CJ went into labour and neither of us obviously did groceries during that time. "We've got toast?"

"Can you make it French?"

"I doubt it. But I will try my best."

"Just doesn't burn it like you done before. That was yucky."

I mimicked Piper as I removed eggs from the fridge. One Saturday morning weeks ago CJ went out shopping with Hogan and I was on breakfast duty. I did the bet I could but I still managed to burn the French toast. Obviously that is still a recent memory in my little one's mind.

I turned the kitchen radio on and sang along as I prepared breakfast. "Come and get it," I sang out to Piper.

She came running into the kitchen and sat at her seat with her specially made placemat nice and clean in front of her. A gift from Sam at Christmas. "Here you go," I placed her plate in front of her and a glass of orange juice.

Piper picked up the orange juice and stared into the glass. "Is something wrong?" I asked her as I caught her examining the juice.

"I've got floaties in my juice."

"They're not floaties. It's pulp."

"It's floaties," she argued. "Eww, I isn't drinking this." She placed the glass down and picked up a fork.

"There is nothing wrong with it Piper. It's fresh. I just squeezed it myself."

"I doesn't think you squeezed it long enough. They's floating all over."

I poured her a glass of milk instead and placed it down. "I wants chocolate please?"

"Fine," I grabbed her glass back and added some chocolate syrup and stirred it before handing it back.

"Thank you," she replied. She raised the glass to her lips and took a big drink.

What she drank came back up across the table and onto the floor making me jump back in my seat that I had just taken. "PIPER," I yelled.

"This is gross," she sobbed. She started spitting as if there was something on her tongue.

"Stop spitting. That is not necessary," I shouted out grabbing the cloth from the counter. "Why did you do that?"

Piper was crying, "My chocolate milk tastes yucky."

"Your chocolate milk does not taste yucky Piper. I just made it," I grabbed her glass and examined inside before I took a sip. Then I ran to the kitchen sink and spit it out. "Oh Good God that's horrible," I yelled into the sink.

How fast a child can go from tears to laughter when it's someone else feeling the pain. "Yours is yucky too?" She asked giggling.

I dumped the rest of the glass into the sink and went into the fridge for the milk to check the expiry date. I couldn't' find the milk. "That's odd? I just used-"

I stopped. I didn't just use the milk as I was about to say. I made a mistake and grabbed Keegan's formula that CJ prepared and had placed in a pitcher.

"What daddy? What did you use?"

I turned to Piper and smiled, "Piper I gave you Keegan's formula."

"You what?"

"I'm sorry. It was an accident. I goofed up."

"You fed me baby food?"

"I didn't mean to."

"Oh boy. I's probably gonna have poison now," she said too dramatically for my taste.

"You're not poisoned. If it makes you feel any better I think there's milk IN the formula?"

"How many more hours till mommy comes home?"

I glanced at the microwave clock. It was quarter to nine. I cleared my throat and answered, "Uh, only 8 or 9 more hours."